Forgiveness

I had a friend (so I thought) who stole from me and also from a group we were both involved with. It was proven to be her and that others had had cash go missing - as had a uniformed organisation. I've never spoken to her since.

It's supposed to be good for the soul, to forgive, but I'm quite happy to cut someone out completely.

I forgive very easily except in one instance ,32 years ago we were the victims of an arson attack,bad enough as our business was burnt literally to the ground with massive finacial losses as we had just had tens of thousands of ound of new machinery delivered ...a day early and so it wasn't covered by insurance.The arsonist then called us day and night threatening to do the same to our home .I had my suspitions about who it was but the police in all their wisdom said no proof so theres nothing we can do.Eventually after a year of the calls which left us nervous wrecks they installed a device to record them ...the calls stopped instanly which pointed to the fact that the person knew us well and what was going on.So he was interviewed ,confessed and was sent for psycological assesment.He walked free .I didn't set eyes on him again for 32 years ...saw him at a book launch this year ..and I had to leave .I can never forgive him for what he put us through and I will never forget ,I'm not proud of that as its against everything I believe in .Just seeing him made my blood boil.And yes he was someone we had considered to be a friend .

My God paddyann thats awful. Astounding that this person got away with it!

Yes,* Paddyann* , how terrible for you, especially as you had no justice.

I can forgive quite easily but have a problem with betrayal of trust if the betrayer cannot admit they have betrayed,

Wow! That's an awful thing to have happened, paddyann! He sounds very disturbed..

We kept going our business is still here still successful ,he didn't even stop us working for one single day ,its not our way and that must have made him mad ...maybe thats why he started the calls.I'll never know as I could never bring myself to speak to him .Sadly other "friends" decided to support him as his business was on a sticky wicket...so basically it was jealousy that motivated him .I wish I could forgive him ,I'm sure I would like myself more if I did,but my daughter was only 7 then and she was a stick insect with worry ,not that we told her stuff just she saw what was happening to us ...so no ,forgiveness is out of the question

I don't believe in forgiving. I think it's up to the perpetrator to forgive themselves. I can continue with a relationship if the offence isn't too bad. I don't dwell on things and am able to move on pretty easily.

I don't dwell on things either really, but we were badly scammed a few years ago and I despise the businessman who did it. Having said that, he did us a favour as we stuck to the path we were on and are much better off, emotionally and financially, than we would have been.

I'm very unforgiving Must try harder

I can forgive but often have to work at it if I have been badly hurt.

It depends on whether the person is really sorry for their actions, there has to be true remorse and the realisation just how much they have hurt their victim and want to put it right, in Paddyanns case, there didn't appear to be any remorse, someone could have died and lives ruined. Her little daughter was traumatised, that would be what broke me, things can be replaced but not that worry to put on an innocent child, she must have been scared stiff, I wouldn't forgive him that, we are not saints.i do agree for most hurts you do have to forgive and forget, but some things are a step too far. I have recently forgiven dome one who truly grove my heart by her jelousy, she was truly sorry, and I had missed her, so it's behind us, but if it happened again, which she assures me won't , that would be it.

I certainly don't have very personal experience of the kind described, but I have known people who have been badly hurt and traumatised. It has seemed to me that forgiveness if often about moving on. In Paddyann's awful experience, there was nothing to be gained by forgiveness. As soon as she was able to get evidence, the perpetrator stopped, and until recently, she has been able to get on with her life ( I salute you!)
But in some situations, most notably political ones, but also in personal relationships, if there is no forgiveness, everyone stays stuck in the same place, repeating the same problems. That is when generosity of spirit can make such a difference. So, rather selfishly, I can only imagine forgiving something very serious if there was something in it for me!
Having said that, I do work at understanding why someone might have done something bad, and that can be a good step to forgiveness, but not necessarily the whole way.

I can forgive ,and have done , but so hard to forget Sadly it does eat into your trust and makes me wary

No, I do not forgive, nor do I forget. I have an elephantine memory and I remember betrayals forever. It takes a lot to push me to the brink of cutting someone off, but once I've made that decision, there is no going back. I've only done it twice in my life but I have no regrets (except I should have done it sooner). No point in them trying to apologise or explain - it's done; move on.

Mostly I forgive, but don't forget. Especially if the person apologises.
For a very serious discussion of the subject this book takes some beating. But it's harrowing, I could only read a few pages at a time.
www.amazon.com/Sunflower-Possibilities-Forgiveness-Expanded-Paperback/dp/0805210601?tag=gransnetforum-21

I am not sure exactly what forgiveness entails. Ceasing to hate, which is damaging and counter productive, yes, but beyond that I am lost.

A close relative of whom I was very fond behaved in a way that was deeply offensive to me after my sister died, But I do not think she actually thought about her behaviour that afternoon, we were all in shock, so I never felt any need to 'forgive' her, I just shrugged and accepted it as part of her loving but flawed personality.

In paddyann's situation, I cannot see how 'forgiveness' can ever exist. Stopping hating yes, for her sake not the individuals, but not forgive someone who devastates your life in that way. Never!

My dictionary defines forgiveness as stopping feeling anger or resentment to someone who has committed an offence against you. I think it is sensible to aim for that as it is not good to spend your life with so much negative emotion. However, if I told someone I forgave them I would not want them to think that what they had done was not important and that they could forget about it. I would hope for some explaination and apology from them.

My experience is so trivial but sticks in my mind. We had paramedics,rapid response and an ambulance here one night when Paw was quite poorly. The ambulance was in our drive, the rapid response car on the road outside our neighbour's house.
She came round to ask if it could be moved so that her daughter could get her car onto their drive.
Not to say can I do anything or to enquire after Paw, not even to say they NEEDED to go out and couldn't get out of their drive . For all she knew he could have been in the middle of CPR!
She is a very kind person normally but selfish. I have never forgotten even if I have forgiven.

eddiecat78 I haven't thought about the man who did those horrible things ...for years ...or at least not consciously.It was just walking in to a room and seeing him that made me not angry ,but it brought back the fear,the nights where we sat up listening in case he did come and set fire to us .There was a fire in the place next door to our house one night and we were terror struck.I had even put that out of my mind until I saw him .I'll just need to get back to where I was and forget I bumped into him...for my own peace of mind

An in laws family always seemed to be falling out and different conflicts. I avoided letting her do it to me for many years although I at times only put up with her but there were times when she was kind. Then she caused big problems over her daughters wedding excluding my daughter and GS and denigning saying things. I went to the wedding but since I have avoided her. If I am honest I suppose it is because she never said sorry and I would not trust her but mostly because I don't want those sort of problems in my life or let her bring that nonsense into my family. Doesn't help that my husband had no time for her for years.

I have a gd I cannot forgive, she has stolen from us, assaulted me twice, wrote off our car by scratching all over it and made my life hell for a while with phone calls. She is a bully and when I stood up to her she started on her siblings and her father. The police were involved and court cases took place. She has never once said sorry. I have disowned her and don't recognise her as my gc and never will. She was not on drugs, no mental health issues just a natural bully.

I had a close friend who I fell out with when she thought I had reported her to the benefits people. What stung the most was that she thought I was jealous of her
A few choice words were said, and I told her she had nothing whatsoever that I would ever, could ever be jealous of, and I vowed never to speak to her again
For around 20 years I would totally ignore her if I saw her around, then one day, I saw her, and without thinking said "hello". All those years of righteous indignation gone in a moment of forgetfulness!