Forgiveness

My sister and I have always had a strained relationship but I always felt that blood was thicker than water etc. She doesn't have any friends and doesn't speak to her neighbours. She has also been sacked from a lot of jobs due to her abrasive attitude. A few months ago she stopped answering my calls/texts, and starting telling lies about me (some of which were slanderous) . Her 2 daughters have argued with her about this and suggested a "round the table " meeting to sort things out. I agreed but she has refused, so I've decided that enough is enough. I'm upset about this but she isn't worth my tears.

My second husband abused my two small sons from my first marriage. Not in a sexual way, but he was very cruel to them. I had to leave, of course, and he attempted to have me sectioned, saying I was an unfit parent who could not administer 'wholesome discipline'.
He was unsuccessful, and I tried to get on with my life, taking a job as a nursing sister at a hospital some distance from him.
He wasn't going to give in, and wrote to the Matron telling her that I was a criminal, involved in prostitution and doing back street abortions.
The police warned him off, but all my alleged 'misdeeds' naturally had to be investigated as I was in a position of trust. Thankfully my colleagues and managers were amazingly and unflaggingly supportive, and I came through it all, but I can't describe the anguish I suffered.
I still have nightmares about that man, and though he died some years ago , I can NEVER forgive or forget, and sometimes wish he was still alive so that I could kill him slowly and painfully!

I have tried to forgive, but unfortunately wrong doings come back to my memory rather easily and it takes me years to come to terms with what's happened.

Unforgiveable to me is my daughter leaving to live with her father after divorce which brought immeasureable pain to me for many many years.

She then went to live with her step mother who was (and still is) a hateful woman which I never understood. We did have a short reconciliation ten years ago, but it proved to be based on what I could do financially rather based than on love.

I also had a falling out with one of my nieces over something I had made for her which she didn't pay for (a gift for her friend) and as a consequence my brother didn't speak to me for two years. Our relationship since has never been the same.

So, I guess I don't easily forgive and certainly don't forget. Family are the worst offenders imo. I keep away from family as much as I can these days!

Should we forgive ?
I am a great believer in fate and destiny will
prevail.

I've been used and abused by my 3 consecutive husbands and have had two what I thought to be very close friends who both bitched about me and let me down horribly at Christmas. Forgive? No- have just moved on. No more marriage as my trust has totally gone and now have new friends. But my antennae are now very alert to snip problems in the bud. They were people who took and took from me and in the end brought nothing to the table, so as life is so short I decided to do a spot of pruning. I now live alone and care for my grandaughter 2 days a week and have a lovely relationship with my son and his partner. Living alone is great - total freedom, especially from use, abuse and let-downs!

I surprise myself, when having put up with things for ages and tried telling the other person what is bugging me, I suddenly cut them off forever. I find it better to be without them thean to suffer little (or big) hurts oer a long time, sometimes I miss them but I never go back for more.

Paddyann you have my admiration and respect f or keeping ging through all that.

I can forgive but I can never forget, which changes the relationship as I am always waiting for it to happen again

I was very close to my sister and we rarely argued. I talked to her about everything and stood by her no matter what she did which was sometimes very hard. I often used to say to my husband that I loved her dearly but wasn't always sure I'd have kept her as a friend if we weren't related because, whilst being very funny with her exaggerated stories, she could be unpredictable. A few years ago my DD was became disabled following the birth of my GD and suffered depression. Her young husband would vent to me and my DS because he had no-one else to talk to. The future looked very bleak for a young couple who were struggling so my DS invited them on holiday. My sister's unpredictability caused problems and my DD fell out with her. In all fairness, I expect my DD wasn't in the best frame of mind with all her problems too but she was feeling a little more upbeat because she had been promised help. A couple of weeks after the holiday Social Services rang my daughter and said there had been an anonymous complaint about her as a parent. It turned out to be my sister who was miffed with my daughter and the lies she told were outrageous. That has been the line in the sand for me and I don't think I can ever find it in my heart to forgive such vindictiveness.

We are all different ....what one person may forgive someone for another person would not. It depends on the deed and the person who has done it. As I have got older (maybe wiser) for peace of mind I try to be be more reasonable and forgiving. However never would be able to forget whatever the cause of it, and would make me wary of that person. We all react differently I suppose and for our own wellbeing sometimes it is necessary to do so.

When people never acknowledged the pain they caused, let alone apologised, I found it impossible to forgive. The experiences (more than one) made me very wary of trusting anyone but, over the years, I've made three close friends that I do trust (as they do me). That has restored my faith in humanity and I now try hard to let the past stay in the past and enjoy life to the full even if I can't truly say I forget or forgive.

I've been through the mill in several ways, and although I think I've forgiven, I have never forgotten anything. What I've done is to move on and try not to hold grudges, but this post made me think: have I REALLY forgiven or have I just accepted things - and is this perhaps what forgiveness is?

I've maintained relationships - albeit in a changed way - with family members who hurt me badly, as I hate bitterness and need to have peace in my life.

What I CAN'T forgive is anything that's been done to hurt my child.

MY DH has cut off two of his three children, and will never forgive them. He swears that he will never have anything to do with them again after what they did (his DD accused him of abuse in order to break us up, and then denied she'd ever accused him when confronted).

consequences with a 'c' and no 'i'.

No forgiveness here. I can't see the point of letting people get away with things with no consequenies. I find it quite empowering to shun people for ever who have done wrong to me.

I had a close friend who I fell out with when she thought I had reported her to the benefits people. What stung the most was that she thought I was jealous of her
A few choice words were said, and I told her she had nothing whatsoever that I would ever, could ever be jealous of, and I vowed never to speak to her again
For around 20 years I would totally ignore her if I saw her around, then one day, I saw her, and without thinking said "hello". All those years of righteous indignation gone in a moment of forgetfulness!

I have a gd I cannot forgive, she has stolen from us, assaulted me twice, wrote off our car by scratching all over it and made my life hell for a while with phone calls. She is a bully and when I stood up to her she started on her siblings and her father. The police were involved and court cases took place. She has never once said sorry. I have disowned her and don't recognise her as my gc and never will. She was not on drugs, no mental health issues just a natural bully.

An in laws family always seemed to be falling out and different conflicts. I avoided letting her do it to me for many years although I at times only put up with her but there were times when she was kind. Then she caused big problems over her daughters wedding excluding my daughter and GS and denigning saying things. I went to the wedding but since I have avoided her. If I am honest I suppose it is because she never said sorry and I would not trust her but mostly because I don't want those sort of problems in my life or let her bring that nonsense into my family. Doesn't help that my husband had no time for her for years.

eddiecat78 I haven't thought about the man who did those horrible things ...for years ...or at least not consciously.It was just walking in to a room and seeing him that made me not angry ,but it brought back the fear,the nights where we sat up listening in case he did come and set fire to us .There was a fire in the place next door to our house one night and we were terror struck.I had even put that out of my mind until I saw him .I'll just need to get back to where I was and forget I bumped into him...for my own peace of mind

My experience is so trivial but sticks in my mind. We had paramedics,rapid response and an ambulance here one night when Paw was quite poorly. The ambulance was in our drive, the rapid response car on the road outside our neighbour's house.
She came round to ask if it could be moved so that her daughter could get her car onto their drive.
Not to say can I do anything or to enquire after Paw, not even to say they NEEDED to go out and couldn't get out of their drive . For all she knew he could have been in the middle of CPR!
She is a very kind person normally but selfish. I have never forgotten even if I have forgiven.

My dictionary defines forgiveness as stopping feeling anger or resentment to someone who has committed an offence against you. I think it is sensible to aim for that as it is not good to spend your life with so much negative emotion. However, if I told someone I forgave them I would not want them to think that what they had done was not important and that they could forget about it. I would hope for some explaination and apology from them.

I am not sure exactly what forgiveness entails. Ceasing to hate, which is damaging and counter productive, yes, but beyond that I am lost.

A close relative of whom I was very fond behaved in a way that was deeply offensive to me after my sister died, But I do not think she actually thought about her behaviour that afternoon, we were all in shock, so I never felt any need to 'forgive' her, I just shrugged and accepted it as part of her loving but flawed personality.

In paddyann's situation, I cannot see how 'forgiveness' can ever exist. Stopping hating yes, for her sake not the individuals, but not forgive someone who devastates your life in that way. Never!

Mostly I forgive, but don't forget. Especially if the person apologises.
For a very serious discussion of the subject this book takes some beating. But it's harrowing, I could only read a few pages at a time.
www.amazon.com/Sunflower-Possibilities-Forgiveness-Expanded-Paperback/dp/0805210601?tag=gransnetforum-21

No, I do not forgive, nor do I forget. I have an elephantine memory and I remember betrayals forever. It takes a lot to push me to the brink of cutting someone off, but once I've made that decision, there is no going back. I've only done it twice in my life but I have no regrets (except I should have done it sooner). No point in them trying to apologise or explain - it's done; move on.

I can forgive ,and have done , but so hard to forget Sadly it does eat into your trust and makes me wary

I certainly don't have very personal experience of the kind described, but I have known people who have been badly hurt and traumatised. It has seemed to me that forgiveness if often about moving on. In Paddyann's awful experience, there was nothing to be gained by forgiveness. As soon as she was able to get evidence, the perpetrator stopped, and until recently, she has been able to get on with her life ( I salute you!)
But in some situations, most notably political ones, but also in personal relationships, if there is no forgiveness, everyone stays stuck in the same place, repeating the same problems. That is when generosity of spirit can make such a difference. So, rather selfishly, I can only imagine forgiving something very serious if there was something in it for me!
Having said that, I do work at understanding why someone might have done something bad, and that can be a good step to forgiveness, but not necessarily the whole way.

It depends on whether the person is really sorry for their actions, there has to be true remorse and the realisation just how much they have hurt their victim and want to put it right, in Paddyanns case, there didn't appear to be any remorse, someone could have died and lives ruined. Her little daughter was traumatised, that would be what broke me, things can be replaced but not that worry to put on an innocent child, she must have been scared stiff, I wouldn't forgive him that, we are not saints.i do agree for most hurts you do have to forgive and forget, but some things are a step too far. I have recently forgiven dome one who truly grove my heart by her jelousy, she was truly sorry, and I had missed her, so it's behind us, but if it happened again, which she assures me won't , that would be it.