Long term friendship gone wrong

A long time ago when my children were small, I made a friend who lived nearby in a similar situation to me, in the town that I had just moved to. After a while she started saying she was unhappy and in time they moved to Ireland. It did not take long for her to start writing to say how unhappy she was there and they moved back to England but to another town too far away for us to visit. Then after a while, that town was not to her liking either, and she moaned that they could not afford to live anywhere decent because her husband did not earn enough -.her husband was a patient, gentle man who worshipped his family. He was well qualified as an engineer and had no trouble getting jobs when they moved, but their budget only stretched to ex council and similar properties where she did not fit in with her neighbours.
I wrote back to say that her husband might make better progress at work if they didn't keep moving around. In reply I received a postcard from the husband telling me that his wife would not be writing anymore and that my last letter was 'hurtful in the extreme'. I was mortified and although it was over 40 yrs ago I remember the exact wording!
Even if I was right I realised it was not for me to judge. To be honest I was not sorry to lose the friendship anyway. I have never had patience with the 'helpless little woman' type although it seems that many men adore them, presumably because it makes them feel like a hero!

So sorry to hear about your one-time friend but it does not sound as if the friendship is doing you good at the moment. Perhaps you sense that although she is still dear to you the reverse is not true. Perhaps your friend and her lovely life ( which could go wrong any time) just doesn't want to think about your sad circumstances.

In any case you were right to speak up and now leave it and see whether she writes again. If not then draw a line under it - you will have more peace of mind without hearing about all the things she is doing.I hope your cicumstances change for the better in the near future. It must be a trying time.

Succintly put Willa, and I thank my lucky stars that I have quite a lot of real long standing friends.

To all having a rough time hope things improve . We went through a couple of really bad years you do find out who you r friends are we are lucky we got a lot of support from ours .

A real friend is someone who genuinely cares about you, both in good times and troubled ones. He/she is someone you can always trust and confide in. Real friends are steadfast and always there for you no matter how far away or how much time passes. Here in the US, we say that true friends always 'have your back'. Behavior (not longevity) is what counts the most in a friendship.

The woman you describe is what I would call a 'fair weather' friend. No need to dismiss her outright, but don't tell her any more of your personal business and stop counting her as a close friend. If anything, she's nothing more than an old acquaintance.

So sorry about the health issues in your family. I hope there are better times ahead. Best of luck, Willa

silverlining ? You have enough worries without bothering about old friends( who really are not friends.) You did the right thing.....if she is a friend, she will apologise to you, if not, you won't hear back.
Some people do only write about the good things in their life ( as they don't want to grumble) but ignoring the fact that you have two close family members battling cancer and not asking after them is appalling.

So sorry for the horrible time you are going through silver lining and I wish you all the very best. And also to any other GNs who are going through a similar time.

I too have just had similar situation and reached the conclusion I no longer like this particular friend at all. we were great friends and flatmates at college nearly 50 years ago, kept in touch over the years but really only got back to seeing each other in recent years. She has been to stay with us here on an annual basis and although I recognised some aspects of her personality that I did not gel with she was great fun and we had a lot of laughs.

She has just left after a week with us which was for the most part dreadful and thankfully my best friend was also here in her holiday house down the road. There were some laughs but honestly she seemed to think we were there to address her every beck and call. she full well knows the demands of running this place but it was all me, me, me, I have never known anyone to be so egocentric. She has a fairly high position in the British legal system and has plenty of money, but seemed to have no idea how others live. I got snide remarks about being a farmer's wife as if I was some sort of peasant, no offence to peasants, despite having been an art historian and a fashion designer during my working life.

We have little disposable income as she well knows but was still intent on eating and drinking both here and in restaurants with little input financially, let alone help around the place. Didn't lift a plate despite a BBQ for 20 being put on at her request, didn't think to wash up the next day when the dishwasher broke down. I gave up asking for help as it was either not forthcoming or moaned about.

She loathes all animals and constantly moaned about our dogs and cats who are very much loved and part of our lives and this is their home - so put up or shut up. the name dropping and constant litany of materialism really got up our noses. We managed to keep our cool for a week, but she will not be asked here again, despite planning her next visit, and worse thinking of buying a second home nearby, and I would be expected to be at her beck and call for that. No way!!

My best friend was an absolute brick and helped keep us up and running! this morning we had a long conversation about how to handle a get out clause. I think her suggestion of 'I think our friendship has run its course' says it all. Also along the lines of how our lives are so very different and her attitudes to us are insupportable. Both statements being unarguable. This will be done by email when I have thought it through as a telephone conversation could provoke a slanging match which I so do not want to get into.

I will not miss her as I do not need this sort of friendship and tensions in my lovely life. Doesn't that sound smug?! But it has taken 67 years to get there so I am not rocking the boat now with a thorn in my side.

Wish me luck in the handling of this, and hope I can be dignified about it. and equally I wish luck to anyone else out there putting up with difficult friendships. Sorry - long rant but getting it out of system!

I do not know if you get this far down your messages to read this one, but I am sure you did the right thing, I read a book recently about letting go of people that do not deserve to be in your life, she does not, maybe she is feeling awkward about your families health, especially your daughter , but to brag about her fortune is unforgivable let her go, she should not be in your club,
Your rules for your club are decent caring positive people
She does not belong.
You will feel contentment now that you do not even have to think about out her.
I am feeling so bad about what you are going through
And well done to be brave enough to send the email

Yes, it has happened to me. This relationship will drain you its time to wave goodbye and move on
I had a friend for 40 years, when my dad died, she told me she couldn't possibly come to the funeral because it would make her " just so sad"!! So no support from her then. My husband died 3 years ago, she had no idea what I was going through she phoned me on quite a few occasions ranting on about why I didn't I feel up to meeting her, and what had she done wrong... on and on..always about her. She then finally rang to say that she had tried to kill herself and had been sectioned.
That was the final straw for me so I ended the friendship
If you are not happy with your friend for whatever reason , there's plenty of fish in the sea as they say

I " had " a long term friend of 40 years, but whatever was going on in my life, everything was always, all about her. She would ring and say how are things, and before I even finished speaking, she would speak over me and move on to her life and issues. It came to a head when my sons marriage was over and he was so distraught, so was my main focus, yet I was evidently " not giving her enough time". It was the "final straw", so I broke off all contact. She did try and contact me 2 years after that, but sadly I just couldn't put myself thro her constant drama's anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if people like that are covering up feelings of guilt or inadequacy. So they like to bolster their own self esteem by scoring over other people. Just a thought. I am very wary of people now who appear to be very respectable, church goers etc. Sometimes, not always, it's a cover up. Wealth is not something to boast about, in my book.

Silver lining, your post was very touching and I wish your OH and DD the very best outcome. I have a friendship going back forty plus years that I am upset about. We were best friends at college, Although we don't live very close by she and her OH and my OH and myself met up 2 or 3 times a year. We went on holiday together a few time too. She was always supportive of me and my family when we went through some really tough times and emailed / phoned regularly. I believe I was supportive towards her too. Then a few years ago I began to notice she wasn't always replying to my emails and didn't get back to me on the phone. Not liking confrontation I didn't ask her if I had offended her. On the few occasions she did contact me she always said she would love to meet up again. She would suggest a vague ' after Chriistmas' or ' when I'm over my cold ' etc. I always believed she meant it but no date was ever actually fixed. We met up a few months ago at a school reunion and got on as well as we always did. She said she was sorry she had been so busy she hadn't time to visit me but would def be in in touch after her holiday. Needless to say I heard nothing. I feel at the very bottom of her priorities. If she doesn't want to meet up, why keep suggesting we do? I have given up asking her to come and visit but told her she is welcome whenever she is free. I have been very wound up by all this as I do really enjoy her company and would be sad not to see her again. I understand why you struggled with your friendship silverlining.

It is hard to let old friendships go Silverlining. I did the same a year or so ago when I stopped seeing two friends - I realised that I was the one doing the running around and had to listen to everything happening in their lives and they barely asked about me or my family and barely listened to anything to anything I had to contribute. I didn't go to the last get-together and whilst I wish them well I don't miss them.

You have so much to cope with in your life you really don't need someone so insensitive at this time. However, maybe your friend will have second thoughts about her contact with you and realise that her comments were out of order.

I hope your DH and DD make good recoveries and that you are able to continue to support them. Do try to find an outlet for yourself as you also need support.

I do think people have a really difficult time talking to people dealing with cancer. Do they want to talk about it? Will it help pretending it isn't there? Should we talk about what's going on in our life to illustrate that the cancer will pass to encourage them and that they will be like everyone else again? It is often difficult to fine tune a conversation with someone in the throes of illness. We are not all good at being listeners. I always remember a daughter's friend being asked how she was feeling( sympathetic head tilt from teacher) and the girl bursting into tears. She said afterwards that there was nothing wrong with her as teacher had got the wrong Sarah -Jane but the girl said if someone shows sympathy it can be too much.(not her real name)

It's difficult to know the best path to take when a friend is going through a traumatic time. As a friend I will always tell a friend in those circumstances that I will do anything they want me to and talk about their circumstances if they want to but I will take their lead. I am aware that sometimes people get fed up with repeating themselves, don't want the cooking well meaning friends keep turning up with although the freezer is full, etc, etc. Sometimes this can be construed as not caring but I guess the person who thinks that doesn't know me very well because I do care deeply but am wary of overstepping the mark.

When cancer touches love ones there are no rules on feelings, all etiquette goes out the window. You find out who your friends are and who are not. If you have been her friend for 60 years then this insensitivity probably didn't happen overnight but when you need support its harder to tolerate. When My husband had cancer one of his friends just kept going on and on about weather he should he leave his wife for his new love or not, finally my husband said “look you have a choice. I don’t have any choices I am going to die.” My husband never ever had confrontation but this was good for him, his friend had become an emotional burden as it sounds like yours has too (sleepless night)

I too have burned a few bridges in my life if she is your friend she will realise how insensitive she was and you won’t lose her, if not see it as liberating and move on. You have enough on your plate supporting your family and my heart goes out to to you.

I agree with Luckygirl, just let the friendship "fade-away". I have done something similar here where I live over time....I could no longer take the attitude/pettiness of most of the people I came across here in this small village, but worst of all the friends I had did little or nothing to support me. So rather than confront (which I would have done in times gone by) I chose to slowly but quietly "disappear" from the activities in the village. I feel no stress, which is something you could do without at this moment in time. I have met a number of people in the next village who are open minded and are a breath of fresh air, so I haven't compeletely isolated myself. What it has done however, is that I do not want a best friend. I am happy with acquaintances at the various activites I attend, so that if the need arises I can awalk away without aggravation or guilt.

it's hard isn't it. I have recently been a little 'honest' with an old friend and it may well be I won't hear from her again. Which is sad...but it was going so off key. In this case after confiding in quite some depth she ended the phone conversation in her regular very patronising way - which I have always been amazed by but let pass. This time I questioned it - asked why she was talking like that - ? She was silent in confusion but I was at at last fed up, after 45 years, of her talking to me as if I was a muddled adolescent - or 4 years old. It probably was not right of me to challenge her...but she obviously has no idea how annoying it is and how I wouldn't dream of talking to her like that - she would laugh. Yes she too happens to be very privileged. Married, with boat and month long holidays in the sun in Winter etc - just built a super 'green' house....it's hard. We still have memories of how when things were tough we were there for each other....So basically I both empathise and sympathise with your loss.

silverlining48 To have a friend for 60 years is an achievement. I wish.
What wouldn't I give to hear another's day to day events no matter how boring self centred they may be.
I get out very little due to my mobility problems so the internet and phone can be my saviour.
I am sorry to hear of your DD and DH's health problems but I would be disinclined to end the friendship just based on what appears to you to be your friends lack of sensitivity. If she writes do you need to answer? Losing sleep over this friendship? then now is the time to lay your cards on the table and be honest with her.
If she has such a wonderful social life I doubt you are her only friend.

I think facing serious problems makes one reassess a lot of things, and to "suffer fools" less gladly, for want of a better phrase.
Sending love, silverlining. X

Under the circumstances, no-one can blame you for blowing your top at this lady! I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. You don't need friends like that! I have been in similar circumstances, and actually, it was just the nudge I needed to drop such friends. I dropped God as well, having previously been a devout Christian and Church Warden. I am now a Humanist. It's a time to be honest with yourself; surround yourself with people who can, if not truly understand, try to do so.

I am so very sorry to hear about your family's health problems. I sincerely hope and wish that they all get resolved very quickly and that you get some release from the worry of it all. Re your "friend", I have had similar problems with two long standing ones in my own life. It all came to a head in both cases where I lost it and told them home truths. The so-called friendships came to a halt and I was left feeling released. Although they both subsequently tried to regain the relationship, for me what has gone, has gone. There's an end to the matter. Life goes on, we meet new people, and we learn not to take shit from anyone. Life is too short to put up with stuff like that, and it is better to make friends with folk who actually care and show it. If your friend doesn't like it - well, tough! You have more important people in your life who need you to be there for them.

MawBroon, I admire your grace and self control. Well done. But I have to add that I would expect no less from one who comes over as such a balanced and worldly wise person. You seem to have a gentle but profound salve for every predicament.

Thanks to you all, yes its been a bad, very bad year, and being forced to reasses a lifelong friendship is painful. I avoid confrontation as i have said but felt it was something i needed to do so i did it, and it was cathartic.

However, I woke early this morning, was troubled and regretted writing to her, but re reading the supportive comments on here make me feel that actually yes, i ts ok. By ignoring her contacts and the friendship just fading, which is what has been happening, at least she now knows the reasons why.

I dont expect to hear from her, but as has been said, if i dont then there is no real loss. I have a lot to cope with so wont waste any more time worrying about her. Sad though that is. Friends are not easy to come by and are to be valued, but a friend such as mine, self centred and egotistical is a friend one can spare.

Sometimes it's cathartic to let off steam instead of bottling it up. Once you have said it, it's up to the receiver what they do. If they truly care and are not obsessed with how they feel, they will get in touch and make amends. That would be if they care enough, and value your friendship. If they ignore or go on defensive as many people do, then let them go, wish them well and give your energy to others who appreciate it. Everything atrophies eventually, including poor friendships.