Long term friendship gone wrong

I guess I would have just ignored the message, or not written in reply as you have done. But folk differ in how they handle these things. She did after all ask how you all were and it can sometimes be hard to find the words to get this right knowing how difficult things are for you. Maybe she thought that her info about brighter things might have cheered you.

But TBH it sounds as though you are pretty fed up with this lady anyway and that you have ceased to have much in common, so maybe it is time to let it quietly fade away.

I am sorry that you have so much ill health and worry in the family.

sometimes friends just grow apart ,take different paths .We have been friends with one couple for nearly 40 years ,used to see them 3 or 4 times a week ,went on holiday with them etc etc.Now we have gc we care for ,a daughter who is seriously ill and they dont have these things so they go their way and we go ours.They dont want to be involved when the kids are here and why should they, so even though they know they can drop in anytime for a glass (or bottle) of wine or even for dinner they just dont do it.Its sad when friends move on ,but my family has to come first for me ,Just let your friend go if she's affecting you negatively ,best all round

I have one like that as Iam sure we all have but I would have just not bothered replying , it isn't worth the hassle.
I actually rang my friend this morning to ask about her health which isn't good but her main news was that she is having a visit this afternoon from her S's financial advisor to advise her her on her own investments. I just said I had to go and will keep in touch.

I am so sorry silverlining that your troubles have come "not as single spies". You first told us about your DD a little while back and I have wondered how she is (and your DH) Life is blimmin unfair. .
I don't blame you one bit for "losing it" as it probably needed saying. However, from your description of the erstwhile friend, it has probably gone straight over her head.
A timely reminder to many of us to bear in mind the situation of others when our own lives are going well. A little tact or sensitivity was all it needed.
to you all.

You really are better off without her Silverlining she is clearly NOT a real friend at all and just uses you as a pair of eyes/ears who will read or listen to her bragging. I recognised her straight away as it took me a long time to realise that 2 people I thought were friends were exactly like this. They used me as a bragging post for their exotic outings, holidays, houses and wealthy lifestyles and seemed to revel in my (many) misfortunes. not friends at all.

I ended the "friendship" when I moved house (not very far away) and used the house move as a convenient way to cancel our get together's saying that I was still very busy after the house move. I ignored emails because my "new internet was very unreliable" I never ever gave them "a piece of my mind" which I would have found very hard (but perhaps liberating too).

I have been ignoring so much for so long and have suppose i just wanted to let her know how i feel because she is ignoring the elephant so to speak and given she has known my daughter for her whole life and my husband for nearly 50 years, i cannot believe she can make no mention or give a kind word of support at the terrible time, Its surely not so hard.

When i said i wrote home truths i didnt do it in a nasty way, just a pained and sort of disappointed way. You are right, we have little in common other than our very long friendship, her life is totally different to ours and she has no sense of what life is like for most people.
thanks for responding luckygirl. I hope i dont regret this but i am rather pleased i actually plucked up courage to tell her how i feel even though the friendship will almost certainly be ended now.

Some people may remember this but a year ago I had a catch up lunch with 3 former teaching colleagues, 2 of whom are still working. We go back getting on for 25 or 30'years. Not once did one of the enquire after Paw or any of the DGCs especially the new baby, they talked about their expensive holidays (can't go away) moaned about work, discussed (expensive) clothes they had bought and I realised that our lives have moved apart.
This time I didn't say anything, just made sure I had a "prior" engagement when the next lunch was planned.

While i was responding to luckygirl a lot of others responded too, thank you so much. Yes it has been a terrible year, our daughter's cancer is not straightforward and treatment will continue into next year..so its a long haul because she started treatment in january. Also she is being treated in germany where she lives so we cant see her which makes it even more difficult. My husband is dealing with post operative fairly unpleasant symptoms plus new heart investigations, and our lives are upside down. Its hard but we carry on.

I do remember mawbroon. Heres to better friends.

for you silverlining I hope things take a turn for the better for you all soon.

I think your friendship was out of habit. If she values your friendship she will contact you if she doesn't then you are better off without her. I had a similar friend who was continually using me and letting me down. I realised that this was no "friendship" and have now cut her out of my life

People do grow away from friends sometimes - their lives change and you finish up with little in common.

Also different life experiences impinge - e.g. whether you have GC or not, how well you are etc I have two old friends and a brother who will not be blessed with GC - one is very happy to chat about ours and enjoys seeing them; the other two like us to keep off the subject - quite hard when there are 7 of them! We happily listen to their tales of wonderful world trips, all of which is closed to us for health reasons.

I am always wary of people who say they have perfect lives. I wonder if they do really. My sister has pots of money and is extremely unhappy. She always has something to complain about. She and her DH have no health worries and can do and go where they like with their money. People can be insensitive and 'up themselves' to the extent that it's beyond belief sometimes. silverlining Me and my DH have devised a new 'plan' recently We are only going to associate with people we really like and who are as interested in our lives as we are in theirs, after a few
encounters with some very 'me me me' people.

My friend from college I don't see but we facebook. If there was anything wrong she would be there and vice versa.

Some people are just not any good at handling serious illness. Ignore it and treat people as normal. Its difficult for the receiver but its something we have to live with.

I kept in close contact with a friend for a long time when she had cancer, right up until she died I was there for her. She said she appreciated how much I was there. She had lost some friends because of it but she had my phone number and I told her if I was needed, no matter what time I would be there for her. That said we then put it to the back of our minds and got on with life,

I agree with KatyK. Very suspious of people who have perfect lives. My first thought was that I would have typed it and then not sent it. But what is the point of that? This "friend " would just carry on the same. By sending the email she may take offence and cut you off, no loss or she might stop and think and have an honest conversation with you about things and a better friendship may develop.

Although the later sounds good, the former means you won't have to listen to all the boasting and complaining of these insecure people.

Best wishes at this difficult time.

Hi silverlining48 I can share your pain. Some of my husbands family who I've supported through many crises over the last forty plus years never even ask about my DiL oh they talk about their wonderful lives are. I'm so very hurt and disappointed. Why would they treat my son and his family this way is a mystery. I try not to brood about because it will only cause me pain. I don't offer any information because they don't ask. One of my husbands brother is always telling me what a 'special relationship he has with my youngest son (he has a very macho successful career ) I can barely contain my rage I want to scream it's not son 2 who needs a special relationship it's son number one who's hair is falling out with fright ffs what's wrong with you!' On the other hand my own family who I neglected because I was concentrating on my inlaws have been wonderful. I hope your daughter and husband make a full recovery. Try not to take the disappointing freinds to heart you have more than your fair share to cope with. (Sorry if I took over your post I think reading it chipped away at my sore heart. My DiL and son have been told they really should fore warn the youngest children that thing have taken a turn for the worst and she has to undergo more chemo and she's heartbroken thinking she's destroying their carefree childhood. Why us? why you? life is just so bloody unfair somtimes.

I feel for you Silver Lining and did the same but by phone a long time ago. My son ( as a child) was in hospital having treatment for Leukaemia . This one friend never contacted me, asked anything, offered any kind of support. I was really lucky had a big group of friends who were marvellous and we had a lot of support. 6 months later my son died the week before Christmas. I had a phone call from this friend asking would I like to go to a New Years party . I lost it down the phone and said dis she really think I wanted to play Happy New Year less than two weeks after my sons funeral? I was beyond upset. Some people are just not worth it. Take care of yourself and I wish you and your family better times.

Did not dis

There is a saying that cancer really sorts out who your friends are. People can be amazingly insensitive, uninterested, or suddenly "experts" in telling you what you should do, or how you should feel.

Yes missadventure i have met them all. None are very helpful. Twiceas nice i am so sorry, people can be unbelievably insensitive. Morethan i more than understand. Jimmy you sound the perfect friend. I am sure your friend appreciated all you did. Thanks annsixty.
I now wait fir repercussions...or not! Good night all. And thanks x

silverlining48

Myself and a neighbour have spent most of today listening to a third neighbour who today needed to offload. We didn't ask 'why today' or any other questions - we were just with him and metaphorically held his hand, as he was obviously in a lot of mental pain.

He is a lovely guy and is usually a 'jack the lad' character. Something had got to him today and we were happy to be there with him. We have all had troubles in our lives but today he needed someone to listen. Tomorrow it won't be mentioned, apart from 'How are you today?' unless he brings it up. We are lucky, we have some very supportive yet unobtrusive, understanding neighbours. It's a privilege to be trusted with such emotion from someone I've only known 4 years.

I don't think I would have written, just let the friendship drift away. I would only do that if I valued the friend and thought the friendship could recover, however perhaps it did you good to let her know how you felt. You are going through so much Silver, both your daughter and your husband with Cancer. I saw it all with my husband, no one truly knows how heartbreakingly gut wrenching it is to see those we love suffer, you have two loved ones to worry about. They are having the best treatment by the sound if it and hopefully both will make a complete recovery. You certainly find out who your friends are at these times. Those that matter will be with you on this journey, your self obsessed friend is really not worth bothering about. Look after yourself, it is so easy to neglect ourself whilst caring for other.?.

Sounds like this friendship was past it's sell by date, but you'll only know for sure by her response. People do love to talk about themselves (see Swanny's post) and often don't realise they are doing it.

I hope you have other, better friends and family to support you through this hard time silverlining

I am sorry for your toubles.

Being authentic is generally good for the soul, if that is how you feel, best you tell her. It isn't about her really, it is about you and there is no need to settle for second best friendships.

Move on to better friends and better times I hope.