Long term friendship gone wrong

Smileless, yes, since sending the letter my feelings of regret have subsided and there is now a sense of relief because i do believe it was the right thing to do in these particular circumstances. Our friendship has been problematic for a number of years and distancing myself hadnt worked, as (up until the illness of dh and dd) she continued to contact me.
As expected i have not heard from her since because in truth, she has not been a friend for quite a long time. Its sad after so many years but i do much appreciate other friends, some very new on gn, who have been so supportive over this difficult period in our family life. We bave a long struggle anead as our daughters treatment continues well into next year and husband too has to deal with the unpleasant side effects of his surgery.
Thanks so much to everyone who took the trouble to respond.

silverliningI'm so sorry for the health problems your OH and DD are experiencing and was sorry when I read your post that said you'd woken up the day after writing to your friend with feelings of regret.

I wonder if that feeling has subsided now and there's perhaps a sense of relief that you've finally aired your feelings, for good or ill.

Last summer after 4+ years of estrangement and being CO of our only GC's lives, I sent our ES a 'goodbye' email. As with you, it contained some home truths but was not written maliciously; it ended with my telling him I do and always will love him.

It was a necessary evil as I felt the time had come to close that particular chapter in my life and move on. I've never regretted sending it, in fact the response I received confirmed that I'd done the right thing, but I'll always regret having too.

I hope that you'll regard your letter as something you needed to do and if you do have any regrets they'll be like mine; regretting that this needed to be done but not regretting having done so.

Anya, I have often found that saying very helpful. I also imagine saying 'whether for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, thank you for being my friend'.

About ten years ago, my best friend's husband met someone else and asked for a divorce.

Even though I lived several hours away, I was her shoulder to cry on. For weeks, we exchanged emails and I spent hours on the phone consoling her and giving her the best advice I could under the circumstances. In the end, her husband married the other woman and my friend got the house, a monthly allowance and even part of his pension. She never remarried or had any children by either marriage.

After her marriage ended, she never called again, except once (by mistake). She admitted she was calling another friend and had dialed my number in error. After some brief niceties, she said she had to go and hung up.

I saw her again at our 50th high school reunion (2014) and she acted like nothing happened. She has also stayed friends with the others in our old group, but no one seemed the wiser.
My conscience is clear because I didn't do anything wrong except being there for her during the worst time of her life. If it was up to me we could still be good friends, but I haven't seen or heard from her since the reunion.

I would have done exactly as you did. In fact I did about 2 years ago. I have numerous illnesses/conditions but I am always there for everyone, and was especially for one particular friend of 25 years standing, through losing her husband to cancer, then losing her mother, (who lived with her for 3 1/2 years at the end).

All these long years she was totally unsupportive and critical of me, (noticed by several mutual friends), of an extension we built, my bright coloured car, all the friends I had, where we went, what we did.....but I kept making allowances for her, even though it hurt SO much.

I came to a point I could take no more of this negative criticism , when I am such a positive person. The last straw was when I was given a further live shortening illness diagnosis, and all she said was "what are you complaining about - you have a husband?". I was NOT complaining!!

I emailed her telling her how much she'd hurt me over a long period of time and she replied with "but this" and "but that" but no apology. End of friendship.

My heart goes out to you silverlining. I will say a prayer for your dd and dh, and hope they both recover soon.

I probably would have continued to ignore the "friend" or just sent a brief terse reply. But if you felt the need to sound off and feel better for having done it, then I guess it's just as well. Let us know if she replies though I don't think she will. The end of a friendship is sad, but sometimes it's a relief also, if it has gone sour.

TwiceasNice, my deepest sympathies on the loss of your ds. I'm sorry to hear of that woman's insensitivity. You are well rid of her.

Jeannie, sorry you're missing that "one special friend." But one can't force these things, obviously. They either happen or they don't. As long as you're out there having fun, etc, maybe that needs to be enough for now? If you're "too eager" for a special friend, maybe people can sense it and it's pushing them away? Maybe try to just relax and enjoy and a good friendship may materialize somewhere a long the way? Or perhaps that special friend is right there under your nose in dh? Please don't write him off. I know some women who say their dh is their "best friend." Maybe yours can be, too.

Tricia, thank you

Jeannie if you aRe in kent and not too far from bluewater check meet ups on gn forum. We are meeting there at waterstones cafe at 11.30 Thursday 20 th july. All are very welcome.
Anya, i have to agree with you, we all find out who our friends aRe when times get tough, and sometimes the people you think will be supportive are not while others surprise you by being there.
Muddynails yes i cant talk to my husband who has his own health problems and sho is distraught anout our daughter or my other daughter because she is also so affected by all this so it would have been nice if my old friend had been able to be supportive. I dont need to talk about things all the time, and i understand why you would want to cheer up your friend but assume she knows that you care, which is the main thing,
Thanks nananorfolk. I too have spent many hours over even more years anguishing about our friendship and whether i felt i could talk to her about it, and now i have! Silence will be the Result.
Thank you and sending Good wishes and much joy to you all.

I have loads of aquaintances in my life, but that real friend never materialises.
My sister is always working, she is a nurse, when she's off duty, she likes to spend her time with her husband or family, which is understanderble.
Both my daughters live in The US and Oz with my grandchildren, so I am with my husband ony own a lot as he is retired (15 years old than me) I am 61.

I once. Had a friend who I am almost convinced stole from.me.so that was for me.the end ,very sad .Another who died ,it's left me very cautious about new relationships ,I'm.reaching out realising that these might also end not sure if I have made the right decision in so.doing .

Oh dear. So many sad tales on here. I particularly emphasised with your post Annifrance - no way would that friend ever be invited back again.

I remember reading that there are three kinds of friends; friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life.

But you truly don't find out who your true friends are until you have something happen in your life...and it can be surprising who is there for you and who vanishes in a cloud of dust.

Something else I find sad is when old friends are affected by that condition which gets worse with old age - simply not listening. I noticed this first with elderly relatives and now friends are starting to get older it's becoming more obvious with them.

There has been a thread on here about loneliness, Jeannie. It seems a lot of people feel the same about wanting that one special friend, rather than acquaintances.
I don't think anyone came up with a solution as such, but its a comfort to know how many people feel the same.

Hi
I have always had trouble hanging on to friends, meet lots of people but never happen to meet that special friend.
I moved around a lot with my father who was in the Army and we settled in to civvy life when I was between 6/8 years in the 60s.
I then married a soldier my self, and again moved around for 20 years, divorced and been living in kent for 25 years. I live with my DH,.
I have done various things to help me meet people and hopefully make new friends.
Which I have, but never a good loyal friend, you can call on and rely on.
I am ok to ask to go out when it's in a group, but the ladies in the group always have the special friend, they. See outside of the group.
The ones I have know for years, I tend to have to do all the calling, and that includes a friend I have known for 55 years.
I called her 2 weeks ago, as I always do the calling. she was really upset as she suffers with various conditions, I looked up information for her on google, to try to help her and gave her some phone numbers to call.
I asked her to call me and let me know how she got on , I have heard nothing.
Other friends are always too busy and again I am the one who does the contacting.
Where do I go wrong? I would just like that close friend, to go for coffee, shopping and girly times with.
I do go to a gym and do dancing classes, and go to various tea dances with the ladies. But again , most of these ladies have known each other for many years and get together, outside of dance social circle.
Sorry but it can make me feel very lonely.

I did something similar with my sister. She hadn't spoken to me for 10 years because our brother asked her to decorate a cake for his second wedding. She spent months complaining to me that the wedding would be on a Friday so she would have difficulty attending and her sons couldn't miss school, and his future MIL was making the cake and she hoped it would be flat. etc.etc. Then my brother decided it might be easier if he could pick up the cake from me, so asked me to do the decorating. I told him that I was willing, but that he had to speak to our sister because I wouldn't want to tread on sister's toes. Well he didn't, snd somehow our mother got to sister first (she was always a divide and rule parent) and that was it. My sister said I'd betrayed her, and it seemed that most of the family agreed with her because I was left out of family gatherings and virtually ignored at a time when I could really have done with some family support. No blame was attached to our brother who had caused the fracas in the first place. Anyway onward a few years and our mother was in hospital and sister came back on the scene. She was really friendly talking and joking with me - it later transpired that I was a stooge because she and our brother had arranged their holidays for the same fortnight - and mum had no-one to visit her, if not me! Mum didn't come out of hospital and again my sister was friendly, so I assumed the past was the past, but after the funeral she turned on me again. I'm quite a bit older than my siblings and I've given them both a lot of support over the years, despite my sister doing a lot of unkind things to me over the years and so I let rip. We haven't had any contact since and I have given express instructions to my children that neither brother nor sister are to come to my funeral under any circumstances!

Not sure writing to her outlining what's bad in the relationship was a wise move - it just keeps it all alive and festering inside you .... And it doesn't alter the hurt it is causing you because you sound so angry and upset in your post.

No matter how hurtful other people can be or how angry you may feel - just take "the high road" - step away from them - "turn left" as I refer to this type of response if and when friends need to be "unfriended" because they don't deserve my friendship anymore.

It happens - people change - but learning to let go and moving on is so much more constructive than getting "down and dirty" into a war on words online.

I was interested to read your post, as not so long ago a similar thing happened between myself and 'best friend' of some 30years, slightly different circumstances. I just took it in my head to phone her, having had several one sided conversations with her. Explaining, how I felt (crap)..that yes we had enjoyed each others company for many years, but sadly I also felt our friendship was struggling, so maybe it was a good idea to draw a line under the friendship, she didn't disagree so I am guessing she was relieved that there was no going back.
It does make me sad, that this happened, but in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do.

silverlining I am so sorry to learn of your situation, keep strong and look after you and yours. Hope things improve for you soon

I do NOT think ghosting is a wonderful thing!!

I did recently write a letter with some home truths to the sort of people who represent themselves as having the perfect lives. No reply, and I'm not surprised. But I wanted them to know how they make me feel. I think as we grow older the less sensitive types grow yet more insensitive to others: they've got out of the habit of self examination ( if they ever had it ) and never " have a word with themselves" as I try to do frequently - although I'm sure some friends find me irritating, but if they come back for more they must be getting something out of the relationship. Selfish people aren't worth bothering with. Shake the dust off your feet and try your luck in the next village.

It seems through reading all the posts that this is a common thing. We had very close friends for 30 years, our children grew up together, we went on holidays etc. etc. Gradually though, we were eased out and replaced by newer friends. We don't think we did anything wrong but everything drifted until we got to the point where if we met up, pleasantries were exchanged and that was it. Then we moved 20 miles away and within 3 years my DH passed away. All my anger about what they'd done to us and how they'd made us feel welled up, so I wrote to them and told them I didn't want them to come to the funeral(we'd heard that they planned to). It may seem a mean thing to do, but I certainly felt better afterwards. I just regret not being honest earlier, having spent hours as a family analysing what went wrong with our friendship.

So sad for you,life can be so unfair to lovely people,just remember your good and true friends who love you,try to look after yourself,thinking of you. flowers

I am so sorry to all your troubles. Your friend is best forgotten, I think ghosting is a wonderful idea.

Sorry to hear you feel so let down. I would too. This woman may have pleanty of money but absolutely no class. Obvioulsy has little ability to be sensitive to others but knows she should show some concrn for you and your daughter but DENIES the problem (hers and hers only) by gabbling about herself. You do not need this in your life. I'm afraid when you get to a certain age you do not have the time, effort or inclination to give time to toxic people. I'm 63 and gave up bothering with people who in now way enhanced my life. I'm much more at peace. Please be kind to yourself and let her go. This is not your problem. Very many good thoughts to you, your husband and daughter.

I have a friend from my youth who has cancer, we only keep in touch through emails after accidentally meeting while she was on holiday (I now live on the coast). I feel completely lost as to what to say to her regarding her cancer,she hasn't mentioned it since our meeting,I have asked how her treatment is going but she ignores any mention of it, to make matters worse she told me when we met her husband had died of cancer three years ago,
in a way I can recognise your friends behavior in myself, I just try to keep upbeat ,tell her funny anecdotes, am beginning to wonder now, how she sees my emails.
I do sympathise with you, especially as your daughter isn't close by to give hugs and reassurance to, also its seems you need a good friend who you can tell your troubles to, I can appreciate you can't burden your husband with your worries.
I can only wish that all turns out well for you all.

silverlining I remember you writing about your daughter's illness a while ago, in fact I've still got your name at the back of my prayer book. A long illness in the family must be very draining for all of you. Let's hope you have better news soon.
As for your 'friend's' lack of sympathy, it's the last thing you want at the moment. I shouldn't think you did any harm by writing, she sounds thick-skinned.
I have a friend who talks neverending, but is kind. One day last week I had really had enough of her ramblings so I said "you talk too much" then wished I hadn't said it. But she replied 'but you're the only person who will listen to me!' So we're still friends.