Completely shattered !!

My heart goes out to you, diamondsgirl! What a difficult position to be in! You must hurt so for dd! (((Hugs)))

My heart goes out to her, also. And to the gc though I hope they aren't being affected by this so far.

I'm glad you're not going to confront sil. Dd asked you not to and she needs to feel she can trust someone. Also, if they do save their marriage, that confrontation would be hanging between you. It would be very awkward and they might end up pushing you away. Be strong, think of the kids, and keep your resolve to just stick to being supportive. It will pay off in the long run, imo.

I agree with Starbird in that being unfaithful may not be the worst thing a man (or woman, for that matter) can do in a relationship. It does seem to me that this marriage may be a good one, and one that can be saved. I hope so for the sake of all concerned.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter in this difficult situation. It is not easy to deal with the break of trust in any marriage particularly when the decisions about the future impacts on so many people. If your daughter and her husband manage to get through this, it will take a long time for them to build the trust and the big question is whether she can live with this compromise in the long term? The other big question is how strong the 'other' relationship is and what promises he made to the other woman?
As with everything, each relationship is unique and only the people directly involved will know what decisions will work for them and their children.
Whatever happens, your daughter will need all the support you can offer, a shoulder to cry on and a good listening ear. But you will need support too.. remember you have a group of friends here.

So sorry to read this Diamondsgirl. Such discovery rocks your entire world - all that you thought to be true is suddenly turned upside-down. All I do know is that men are very adept at compartmentalising their lives and their brains are, we are told, wired differently to ours, hence they can carry on as normal in one life while enjoying the high-octane risks of deceit and disloyalty in the other and it doesn't necessarily change how they feel about their marriage; indeed in my experience, an affair enhanced the marriage (wife was very forgiving)and he never strayed again. So, if DD can find it in her heart to take him back, even though now it feels like the marriage is over, I do believe trust can be re-built and the marriage can survive if there is a will on both sides and if the children are kept at the centre of everything. The children's well-being has to be the focus and can help both sides move forward with the common goal of ensuring the children do not suffer any more than is absolutely necessary. Try not to influence your daughter's decision - your anger at SIL is totally understandable - he has hurt your child and you want to punish him - presumably he will know that and want to re-gain your respect; for your relationship with him to heal, it is as others have said, least said, soonest mended. Good luck to you all.

Sorry to hear that TriciaF, you will find happiness again.

Thank you all for you good advice - I shall not nor have I ever thought of confronting SIL...the shock of him actually doing something like this reverberates with "I don't believe it.. not "x", the most unlikely person you could imagine to have an affair"
I am hoping and praying Relate can help them, quite how my DD can get those images and copied texts out of her head I just do not know, but I shall and always be there for her and my DGC and for my SIL if they stay together.
It is very odd but the phrases he used to the OW are almost a pre-written script for all wandering husbands.....
I gain comfort from Emily Harburn's words that the OW was clearly was hoping to make it impossible to save this marriage. It would be a pity if she was successful in the light of the love and support SiL has in your family. "
So I shall follow my instincts and be as supportive as I can to both of them whilst they try to work their way out of this dreadful mess.

A close cousin of mine found herself in the same position as your DD. She had three young children and her husband was away a lot in the Army. To cut a long story short she left him and moved back to her home town to be near her parents...leaving him with the married quarter house. One living in the very north of the UK and the other in the south. After she had got over the initial shock she said a big breathing space was necessary between them before she could decide on anything ....as one day she absolutely hated him ...the next remembering all the good things. After almost a year apart ....him coming all the way south to see his children every few weeks they got back together. She said they had both learnt a lot lessons about themselves in the time apart and done some soul searching and if she had not moved away at that time they would not have reconciled.Their children are now grown up and left home and mum and dad still together. Whatever you do don"t rock the boat ...as they just might stay together.

I agree it is best to say as lithtle as possible.

You are understandably very shocked by what has happened and will naturally fnind it hard to act as usual around SIL. The children will pick up on it so it might be as well to think of some excuse that does not worry them or put him in their bad books, perhaps just pretending you're not feeling well or something.

It may shock you to hear this, but I don't think that being physically unfaithful is the worst thing a man can do. I am not saying it is right or making excuses, in our culture it is not acceptable and that is that, but through history and in other countries having a mistress or more than one wife, is the norm. What most women want is companionship and to know they are loved. Men can love more than one woman.. If your SIL was a good husband and father, which I gather he was, I would put that far above him being a faithful but uncaring or violent man, or an alcoholic etc. It might help you to act normally with him if you make a list of all the good qualities and things about him that you liked, and weigh them against the fact that, like many, many other men, he could not say no to some exta marital sex which perhaps was offered on a plate or at a weak moment in his life. . If he is truly sorry and wants to make another go of the marriage, and your daughter is prepared to try as well, it will help so much if you can be feel some forgiveness in your heart and be encouraging. Whatever she decides it will be very hard for her. I truly admire the fact that she has agreed to go to Relate, and hope that she will eventually come through it all, wiser and happier. Again, I repeat, I do not condone it, and a lot depends on the extent to which he led the other woman along, as to whether he is worth hanging on to, but that can only be your daughter's decision. .
Even if they split up, he will have access to the children and still be in your lives,so that, tempting though it may be not to, it is worth remaining civil.

I think you know what to do and will do it - just be there for your DD and DC and be civil to your SiL. I have been through similar with DD and fortunately don't have to have anything to do with SiL - I would probably want to kill him! But you have to have contact and I know you'll do the right thing. Good luck.

This happened to me but mine wasn't a happy ending, after lots of soul searching and begging pleading and promises from him I decided to give him another chance, low and behold I caught him doing it again 18 months later. Your DD will find her way through this as she did before, once she gets over the shock and the anger kicks in then she will fight back. Sending you good wishes stay strong for each other.

Not long after the birth of our first child my husband confessed to me that he had contracted a venereal disease and that I needed to go to the VD clinic!! Very honourable! I duly went (how embarrassing) and fortunately I had not been infected.

He was an ex paratrooper and belonged the Territorial Army which necessitated a weekly visit to wherever they did their stuff, and there had his liaison! Our marriage survived as (a) I couldn't face telling my parents who had been against the marriage in the first place and (b) It was less hassle/stress/upheaval. I suggested we might go to Relate to help work things out. No way, he said! "I am not going to discuss our private life with some stranger!"

We stayed married for many years. Had 4 children. Moved to France together with youngest (unmarried) daughter and her daughter.

Eventually youngest daughter decided she would prefer to move back to UK (with her daughter of course), so I took the opportunity to come back myself. And got divorced. Left ex husband in France.

After a few years he decided to return to the UK. Lives not far from me!! We are both now in our early eighties!! And no, no, no, I still do not want to be reunited with him. He would like nothing better. He cuts my grass, shops for me if needed, would do assorted things if I asked him.

But I do not want to live with him. Not now, not ever, never!! I feel sorry for him as he is lonely. But he is still the same person he always was. I would be pleased for him if he found an alternative partner! He briefly looked at online dating but decided that was not for him! None of his 3 daughters are close. Our firstborn, a son, was sadly killed in an accident. But no one ever meets his expectations, it seems.

Funny old world!!

it is so sad when there are children involved - they don't understand. It does seem from what you say that your SIL has ended contact with this other woman so clearly she didn't mean as much to him as your DD does. Possibly they can work things through and stay together - it will be very hard for your DD to trust him again and he will have to work very hard to prove he is trustworthy I had to deal with ex SIL turning up to see the kiddies with girlfriend in tow but decided to be polite (no more no less) as the kiddies were always pleased to see their Dad. Now we are living further away (DD got a promotion that took us back up North) contact is more by phone and again I keep it polite if I speak to him and hand him over immediately to the kiddies, I don't engage in conversation with him personally unless it is something to do with the kiddies that needs sorting out and my DD isn't there when he rings. I know how heartbreaking it is to see your DD go through this and, as a Mum, your natural reaction is to protect your child but it is probably best to step back if you can and let them sort themselves out - mediation/counselling may well be of help to them and help resolve the situation whichever way that turns out to be.

Don't demonise the 'other woman'. She has obviously been taken in by his lies and apparent devotion too, and has reacted in utter shock when sil has ended the relationship/affair.
I hope Relate can help your sil to realise the enormity of what he has done, and can help your DD to see her way forward with or without him.
Do try to get some support for yourself, or at least arrange "time out" from the situation, possibly for your DD too.

Sending you my heartfelt support!

I am still gob-smacked that mature (age-wise) people document their sexual relationships with texts and photos. If the other woman posts them as revenge porn... those things are out there for ever. It's not just men to do that, either. Even though it seems to have become a crime, people do weird things in the heat of the revenge moment.

Best policy...never share explicit photos or texts. Too dangerous. Remember Diana and Squidgy-gate? These things have a way of coming back around to bite you in the bum.

So sad for you all, I hope that Relate will help them to resolve this in the best way for all of them, whichever way it goes.
It must be so hurtful for your DD, would she rather not have known? If she had found out further down the line it could have been even worse for her. At least SIL had chosen to end the relationship, he hadn't just dumped the girlfriend because he was found out.
If they do manage to stay together it is very important that they don't allow this affair to taint their relationship. Whilst he is surely in the wrong, there might be things that they both could do to enhance their marriage. I speak as one who is in such a partnership and know that grudges, blame and disappointment must be banished so that they can move forward.

A bit beside the point, but my eldest daughter once said to me about her 2 brothers, after she had been deceived a few times, "I don't know how J and G manage, staying faithful to their wives for so long." PG it continues.
Probably a reaction to knowing about their philandering Dad.
And I identify with you, Rockchick. I told no-one but eventually enough was enough.

Thirty odd years ago my husband left to live with 'the other woman' for nearly six months but in the end I took him back. I wanted my children to grow up with their father. We have never looked back. But just look forward. It probably helped that we moved to another part of the country giving us a fresh start???

Support DD and GC but do not ostracise SIL. As several people have already said, despite all the hurt, anger and distrust, it is possible for the marriage to survive and be stronger and better than before. I wish your DD luck in whichever pathway she chooses. The pain she is feeling now is indescribable but life does go on. Probably pretty obvious that many years ago I was that betrayed woman. My mom was a huge support to me, but never took sides. As for your SIL, I doubt that he needs anyone to tell him what he is done and what he risks losing. That will haunt him forever. Good luck.

Not all marriages end when one partner has an affair, quite a few women choose to forgive, if they think their marriage is worth saving, as do men.Trust will gave to be rebuilt of course, but it can be done ( as rockchick has pointed out.)
I would not interfere or influence your DD in any way ( am sure that you won't do anyway) if it is a bad marriage, it may be best to end it now, but if it has been a good one and your DD has been happy ( up to now) then going to Relate and seeing if it can be saved is the best way forward,?

Oh how terribly sad for you all, I can only imagine your pain. How utterly vengeful of this other woman to do those things. I don't know what I'd do in your DD's shoes, trust is very hard to re-build once lost like this, if he's otherwise been a good husband and father she may want to try and I admire her courage.
Love and prayers to you all

The other woman clearly was hoping to make it impossible to save this marriage. It would be a pity if she was successful in the light of the love and support SiL has in your family.

It is a terrible thing to find out ones loved husband is not faithful but from the ashes of a romantic and loving relationship it is possible for some people to find a valued loving relationship that lasts. I do hope this happens for your family.

Through watching my other friends and their various ups and downs I have come to the opinion that, IF you are otherwise happy in the marriage, it can work out better to "forgive" the occasional affair. Some men appear to be predisposed to it, and it often doesn't mean they love their wives any less and wouldn't put them absolutely first. You can end up lonely or with a far less happy marriage if you leave the one you felt happy in just cos you found something out. Obviously it's a different matter if the marriage was falling apart anyway and the affair arose because the man was thinking of leaving.

I know that if that happened to me, my mum would definitely have words with my husband! The level of distress and disgust he has caused, plus the lack of trust, he deserves someone to let rip! What on earth was his fancy woman thinking forwarding all that filth? I hope your daughter chooses the path that is right for her and I am glad she has a good ally in you, her mum.

I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter. It must be all consuming the hurt in her head. Trust and suspicion will be the problem but some men and women can compartmentalise different relationships. It's not that he doesn't love your daughter and children. I am not condoning his behaviour but the opportunity with all the phones and Internet. It's much easier. I am sure there are lots of secrets with many of our children's relationships. Life has changed and life seems to be more of a free for all. even I am one of the few amongst my friends who is on their original marriage. It's not been easy. OP I know this doesn't help but I hope your daughter doesn't think it's her. It's the children he should have thought about. How they get through this will effect them, they will pick up on the upset. Lots of love.

Support daughter and grandchildren, carrying on as normal. Good luck