Completely shattered !!

diamondsgirl What a terrible time for all of you. You must feel distraught with so much emotion involved.

Your best path to take is one of support and love for your lovely DD and the children. Just to have you there will be a great help to her.

Counselling may resolve their issues. Lets hope so. Meanwhile don't take sides and show that you are there to be helpful if only for the children's sake.

I wish you well.

It is good that they are proceeding to counselling to try and save their marriage. You must be very upset, but your unfailing support and love will stand everyone in good stead.

diamondsgirlyou must be distraught for your DD and GC and I understand the animosity you must feel at this time toward your s.i.l.

Regardless of how you must be feeling, you must try and keep those feelings to yourself so that if your DD and s.i.l. do try to resolve their problems and work on their marriage, you can be as supportive as possible.

Easier said than done I know, but whether she ultimately decides to stay or to leave him, she's going to need all the support she can get.

I wish you all well.

I truly feel for you . What a horrible situation to find yourself in - infidelity cause such wide ranging ripples in families.

I agree with Smileless you cannot let your feeling show to your SiL . They may make up and find a way past his infidelity.

Then you will be left as the one who has caused a rift- unfair but you know how people can be in times of trouble. Keep your own council - he is still the father of your GC and they may - I hope- find a way to work though this.

Just wishing you good luck. You may, when dealing with SiL, find it helpful to think 'how best to behave in front of the children'.

diamondsgirl a very sorry situation, but just be there for your DD, if they go to Relate they may get over this and move on.No, it won't be as it was before, and you will need all your tact to manage things, but in the end, your DD wants to save her marriage.I hope that they do.

I am doubtful that this marriage can be saved given the explicit photos and copied texts the other woman sent to DD, I am hopeful for the sake of the children, but just how my DD will move on from this I do not know.
I shall obviously stay out of it until I am asked for help, and shall remain as always towards my SIL, particularly in front of the children, but the future seems very bleak at the moment.
I can just hope and pray for the right decisions to be taken for my DD, as I would not want her to be unhappy in a relationship based on lies and lack of trust.

I hope she finds Relate helpful, whether she decides to stay or to leave. It's important not to take sides if you can manage it, particularly for the children. You can only offer support when it's needed. It's a horrible situation for you when you thought she was so settled

The marriage may not be saved but he will still be your GC dad, so some form of communication will need to be kept intact.

I really feel for you, i hve been through a similar situation as your D finds herself in it is soul destroying, I chose not to confide in my family until it was too late.

I am glad that your child can share her sadness with you, and I know exactly what you mean when yu say you are relieved your DH does not have to go through this with you.

What sort of person can that other woman be ? Nothing like yourself from the sound of things, some one who just does as she likes with no thought for others at least you love and are loved so will be able to help your family survive. They will survive, it may not be easy and your daughter's confidence will have taken a terrible knock, but there is life ahead and in time it will be good.

I send you all good wishes and please let us know how things go onf or you all.

This happened to me exactly, I dealt with it by telling absolutely no one, it nearly finished me off, but we are still together 5 years on and happier than ever. My motto is least said soonest mended. I was very lucky, I did have a great deal of help from the wonderful agony aunt Denise Robinson, she phoned me on a couple of occasions to support me. I think least said soonest mended is the best policy, for me anyway.

Stop, take a breath, high emotion from you will not help. Blame is not what is to be fixed here, you are there to help solve the problem. Try to just be the helpful person you have always been, it may be the saving of the marriage. Hyping up emotion by the explicitness of lust, chase it out of your head. Please do not pour oil on the flames of the situation, you should be the rock of normality. As a widow of longstanding a guide is that you are now both mother and father. Be resolute please.

What a shock for you and your DD diamondsgirl.
The fact that they are accessing Relate is a positive as the counsellor will explore with them what was happening for them when the affair started and the impact his own father's behaviour has had on his ideas of being a husband. SiL will have to be courageous enough to challenge his ideas and values and accept your DD's needs at this time.
Wise advice from others here regarding trying to keep civil to him and being a rock for DD and GC.
Sending strength and ((hugs)) to you.

I totally feel for you and understand your pain in dealing with this. I hope they can get through this difficult time and recover from it. Your daughters pain is your pain and you just want her to be happy. But, at least they have a chance and the GC have a father. My daughter lost her husband 8 weeks ago and is now facing future alone as a widow at 34 years, with 2 very small children. She has not chance to make things better. So, be thankful he is there and wants to make the marriage work.

How dreadful for you all to find yourselves in such a situation again with probably an even greater sense of betrayal this time. If you are to support them well, please do consider having someone like a counsellor you can offload on & help you sort out your thoughts & emotions too. Think of a Russian doll. The smallest & most vulnerable doll needs the protection of the next sized one & they need the protection of the bigger one & so on. The stronger each doll is, the stronger will be the whole doll to sustain all the future knocks they will have to withstand. You deserve good support too.

Support daughter and grandchildren, carrying on as normal. Good luck

I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter. It must be all consuming the hurt in her head. Trust and suspicion will be the problem but some men and women can compartmentalise different relationships. It's not that he doesn't love your daughter and children. I am not condoning his behaviour but the opportunity with all the phones and Internet. It's much easier. I am sure there are lots of secrets with many of our children's relationships. Life has changed and life seems to be more of a free for all. even I am one of the few amongst my friends who is on their original marriage. It's not been easy. OP I know this doesn't help but I hope your daughter doesn't think it's her. It's the children he should have thought about. How they get through this will effect them, they will pick up on the upset. Lots of love.

I know that if that happened to me, my mum would definitely have words with my husband! The level of distress and disgust he has caused, plus the lack of trust, he deserves someone to let rip! What on earth was his fancy woman thinking forwarding all that filth? I hope your daughter chooses the path that is right for her and I am glad she has a good ally in you, her mum.

Through watching my other friends and their various ups and downs I have come to the opinion that, IF you are otherwise happy in the marriage, it can work out better to "forgive" the occasional affair. Some men appear to be predisposed to it, and it often doesn't mean they love their wives any less and wouldn't put them absolutely first. You can end up lonely or with a far less happy marriage if you leave the one you felt happy in just cos you found something out. Obviously it's a different matter if the marriage was falling apart anyway and the affair arose because the man was thinking of leaving.

The other woman clearly was hoping to make it impossible to save this marriage. It would be a pity if she was successful in the light of the love and support SiL has in your family.

It is a terrible thing to find out ones loved husband is not faithful but from the ashes of a romantic and loving relationship it is possible for some people to find a valued loving relationship that lasts. I do hope this happens for your family.

Oh how terribly sad for you all, I can only imagine your pain. How utterly vengeful of this other woman to do those things. I don't know what I'd do in your DD's shoes, trust is very hard to re-build once lost like this, if he's otherwise been a good husband and father she may want to try and I admire her courage.
Love and prayers to you all

Not all marriages end when one partner has an affair, quite a few women choose to forgive, if they think their marriage is worth saving, as do men.Trust will gave to be rebuilt of course, but it can be done ( as rockchick has pointed out.)
I would not interfere or influence your DD in any way ( am sure that you won't do anyway) if it is a bad marriage, it may be best to end it now, but if it has been a good one and your DD has been happy ( up to now) then going to Relate and seeing if it can be saved is the best way forward,?

Support DD and GC but do not ostracise SIL. As several people have already said, despite all the hurt, anger and distrust, it is possible for the marriage to survive and be stronger and better than before. I wish your DD luck in whichever pathway she chooses. The pain she is feeling now is indescribable but life does go on. Probably pretty obvious that many years ago I was that betrayed woman. My mom was a huge support to me, but never took sides. As for your SIL, I doubt that he needs anyone to tell him what he is done and what he risks losing. That will haunt him forever. Good luck.

Thirty odd years ago my husband left to live with 'the other woman' for nearly six months but in the end I took him back. I wanted my children to grow up with their father. We have never looked back. But just look forward. It probably helped that we moved to another part of the country giving us a fresh start???

A bit beside the point, but my eldest daughter once said to me about her 2 brothers, after she had been deceived a few times, "I don't know how J and G manage, staying faithful to their wives for so long." PG it continues.
Probably a reaction to knowing about their philandering Dad.
And I identify with you, Rockchick. I told no-one but eventually enough was enough.