Overseas visits to daughters

Oh Families!
Sorry you are being put in this position - but I know which way I'd go. I'd do anything to keep my relationships with my children and grandchildren. Its a subject that has sometimes had to be considered within our family....we are full of remarriages and steps ..... thankfully there has never been a situation that has required a full blown ultimatum but certainly my DH (of 30years standing now) knew in the early years of our marriage which way I would have gone if needed. My daughter would have taken precedence.
You do acknowledge there was friction between you and your partner - so at least this is not new to you....and hopefully you can be honest about what its all about.
I can't tell you which way to go.....I just know that I would not jeopardise a future as a Mum and Grandma.
Perhaps if you go down the independent route this time but talk more with your daughter about your partner, perhaps even consider counselling if you want to keep this person in your life.
You will never keep everyone happy, life is never that simple, you may have to chose who is more important.

I have huge sympathy with your DD's position. My parents were always at each others throats in an underhand sort of way and I hated it when they were around my children as it brought back some difficult memories for me and the children sometimes felt uncomfortable. I know this situation is slightly different, but that sense of tension is what matters - she will not want that for herself or her children, especially if there is a new baby. At such a time she cannot be driving you about or taking care of your needs.

I am impressed that she has been brave enough to articulate how she feels.

Personally I would go alone - you can help her with the baby as only a mother can; and you will not be having to meet your partner's needs as well - you could find yourself walking on eggshells - you do not want that and neither does your DD.

DD comes first always especially when it includes grandchildren. Sorry no contest

I think If I was in your situation I would be going alone as well. What kind caused the "tension" on holiday - maybe if you could throw some light on it?

I agree, travel alone this time. As you are thinking of spending more time there in the future it would be a good idea to follow their suggestion and make sure you can live more independently - they may be worried you will become too dependent on them. If you find you are happy in a rented apartment you will feel able to spend longer visits there and have the enjoyment of your GC for longer.

Go alone on this occasion if you feel bad about leaving your partner take him on a seperate holiday It may be difficult explaining to him that he's ' not wanted' this time but hopefully you ll manage to put it to him really delicately as you say he loves your family.... You do say you ve taken him ' on occasions' so he must be used to you sometimes going on your own let this time be one of those occasions tell him you just want baby time and would rather pay him all the attention somewhere else

I would go alone, mend fences.

Thank you all for your comments. Desdomona, you asked what caused the tension on the last visit. Basically it was stirred up by my partner not abiding by very easy house rules set by my DD and doing his own thing as he never likes to feel controlled. My asking him to fall in was met with him becoming stroppy that I was controlling rather than hoping he would accept their wishes. Hence the tension as I was becoming more crabby that he was in their house and should stick with their house rules. Right or wrong?

I've commented again Desdomona thank you.

Of course he should have followed their house rules.

Go on your own this time. He's not the baby so doesn't need to be pandered to.

I wasn't always able to be with my daughter when she was having a baby on the opposite side of the world from where I lived. On the two occasions that I flew to her side, as it were, it never occurred to Mr absent (not absentdaughter's father) or me that he should be there too. We all thought of this as a special mother and daughter arrangement. I have since moved to the same country so I was easily available for help when my youngest grandson was born two years ago and Mr absent was happy to ferry me around to the hospital and so on.

Now I m curious what were the house rules ? i ve never ever thought of making house rules for guests

In the circumstance you are justified in going alone. You could tell your partner that you feel that his inflexiblity led to tensions. I would also say that you understand that he does not like being controlled and feel he would be happier where he was free to do his own thing in his own home.

Only smoke outside?
Don't bath after 10pm because the plumbing is noisy?
No shoes indoors?

Just a few possible ones that come to mind Bluebelle.

Blue Belle, house rules if you want to call them that, really were the wishes of the family and consisted of not upsetting very good diet results of son in law who had been off beer for a number of weeks and was really trying to eat and drink healthily and the use of the iPad with the 4 Year old grandchild. Partner thought it would be a kind gesture to go out and buy a 24 pack of beer regularly despite me taking him on one side and explaining why not. I know this was done out of kindness but DD thought he might like to put that money in to a kitty to buy healthy food instead. The issue if the iPad is that they are really trying to raise my grandson for as long as possible without the use of iPads which seems to be the bane of a lot of lives. Partner did not seem to take this on board and would openly be on it himself a lot and activly included GS...... Why wouldn't he appreciate their wishes, after all we were under their roof at their invitation grrr.........

I do not blame them for not wanting your partner there - his behaviour sounds plain rude to be frank. Go alone then everyone can relax.

I think you don't usually make 'house rules' for most family and friends who are ' on the same page '. We only made the ' no smoking' rule when we acquired, out of the blue, a smoker in the family. He took it in good part, mainly, I think, because it gave him a it of respite from us all!
I have several friends who have to visit children / Gcs abroad, and it seems that trying to get separate accommodation is a very good idea if you can afford it. Some friends have managed to do 'house sitting' for their child's neighbours.

I don't think buying a "24 pack of beer" for someone who is trying to give it up can be construed as "out of kindness"! Sounds crass if not downright malicious to me -would you buy a recovering alcoholic a bottle of gin? Of course not.
And as for iPads etc for young children it goes without saying that you respect their parents' wishes particularly when you are enjoying their hospitality.
No, he has blown it and if your own relationship with DD and the family is not to go down the pan too, you must go on your own. His behaviour has been stupid and he needs to realise the consequences are hurting you too.
It may be that renting outside their home is still the best solution this time, giving them space (and you!) and the opportunity to resolve this issue in a sensitive way.

Surely it stands to reason that when staying in someone else's house you would follow their wishes?
The answer, if you dont want to be controlled in any way is to stay elsewhere. In this mans case it seems that will be at home, alone.

So he deliberately went out of his way to defy your DD- I would have been absolutely furious if I was your DD, it shows total disregard and arrogance. Just what was he trying to prove?
I would do my utmost to strengthen the relationship with your DD and bear in mind that perhaps this is a gentle hint that should you be considering moving closer at some point in the future then you would need to have a life independent of her and her family (with or without your partner)?

So he doesn't like to be controlled? Yet, he obviously likes to control everybody else around him. He won't see it that way, of course!

Sounds to me as if your partner was being selfish, defiant and a little bit cruel - certainly NOT "kind." It ISN"T kind to buy beer for someone who's trying to stay off of it.

Maybe he didn't INTEND to be cruel - just wanted the beer himself or thinks sil is overdoing the no beer/healthy eating thing. But either way, he was out of line about this and the iPad thing. (I know you know this.)

I agree that HE is the one who was being "controlling." Imo, you're being asked to get your own accommodations because they don't want HIM in the house. But no matter where you stay, I agree you should go alone.

Partner probably wouldn't really want to go, anyhow. He, obviously, doesn't enjoy them (except maybe the child) and doesn't like it there. Just let him know you need your time with dd and family and that you're more comfortable going alone. Bet he'll be relieved!

About your needing to "live independently" while you're there - that, actually, doesn't sound like a bad idea to me since you plan on "spending more time there as you grow older." Perhaps it's a good idea to rent your own accommodations, even if partner doesn't come. Surely it's a good idea to do some things on your own and hire a car to do so. This is especially true if there are "family issues" going on and, maybe, dd and sil need their space.

If you want to keep your relationship with your partner, however, Idk how often you can go there. There may have to be a limit. You really need to think this through more, imo. But when you do go, by all means, go alone.

ooonana Is this part of the reason why your DD lives abroad so her family can enjoy the outdoor healthy living that Australia offers to young families free from being slouched in front of ipads etc at 4yrs old my DD would be aghast if any of my dgcs where using a ipad with a grown up specially one who has been told they are not allowed he would be transported back to the airport quick fast.
I would mend bridges quickly with DD and SIL and book for yourself to go on the next visit and if OH doesn't like it make your future plans for moving closer as a single person and enjoy the future nearer to your family.