Overseas visits to daughters

I have huge sympathy with your DD's position. My parents were always at each others throats in an underhand sort of way and I hated it when they were around my children as it brought back some difficult memories for me and the children sometimes felt uncomfortable. I know this situation is slightly different, but that sense of tension is what matters - she will not want that for herself or her children, especially if there is a new baby. At such a time she cannot be driving you about or taking care of your needs.

I am impressed that she has been brave enough to articulate how she feels.

Personally I would go alone - you can help her with the baby as only a mother can; and you will not be having to meet your partner's needs as well - you could find yourself walking on eggshells - you do not want that and neither does your DD.

Oh Families!
Sorry you are being put in this position - but I know which way I'd go. I'd do anything to keep my relationships with my children and grandchildren. Its a subject that has sometimes had to be considered within our family....we are full of remarriages and steps ..... thankfully there has never been a situation that has required a full blown ultimatum but certainly my DH (of 30years standing now) knew in the early years of our marriage which way I would have gone if needed. My daughter would have taken precedence.
You do acknowledge there was friction between you and your partner - so at least this is not new to you....and hopefully you can be honest about what its all about.
I can't tell you which way to go.....I just know that I would not jeopardise a future as a Mum and Grandma.
Perhaps if you go down the independent route this time but talk more with your daughter about your partner, perhaps even consider counselling if you want to keep this person in your life.
You will never keep everyone happy, life is never that simple, you may have to chose who is more important.