siblings falling out

My sister and I are both adopted and she is the younger by 13 years. I am sure we are both fond of one another and keep in touch with occasional phone calls but we are very different and live entirely different lives, though we do meet up occasionally, especially when my eldest son gives a party.

I am lucky enough to have 4 sons and a daughter, all of whom live fairly close and get on well, apart from the odd niggle. One of my sons had a wife with different ideas and resented her husband spending time with his family but they divorced some years ago and he is now with a lovely lady. As I 've got older, with a few health problems it has been lovely that it hasn't been left to just one to help out when there has been a problem, which was the situation I was in with my parents in their last few years.

Re the article - the friction that has arisen between me and my brother since our father became frail is not because brother disagrees about what should happen to father - it is because brother has pretty well opted out of doing anything to help and appears to be totally uncaring about the level of stress it is placing on me and my husband (despite knowing that I am not in great health myself)

This was in yesterday's Sunday Express magazine (yes I know it's the Express... it's my Sunday 'comic')

www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/826688/How-to-avoid-sibling-war

Older and wiser? Tips to avoid sibling war

CARING for elderly parents when illness strikes can create friction between brothers and sisters. Our writer finds out how sibling war can be avoided.

It wasn't my choice. My sister decided for some reason to cut all contact. As she lives in Australia and I don't have her address or phone number the only way I can contact her is through email. I've tried many times but she ignores my emails.

maryhoffman37 believe me its not MY choice ,my sister made the decision to cut herself off from her whole family ,and repeated attempts in the first few years were ignored.I lost my oldest sister just months after my dad died and it was very hard for my mum when her youngest stayed away .I dont know why she is the way she is ....I doubt I ever will.Sometimes you just have to let go and get on with your own life

How sad that so many of you don't get on with siblings! My oldest sister died when I was eight and two and a bit years ago my nest oldest had a devastating stroke, which has left her semi-paralysed, with vascular dementia and in a nursing home for the remainder of her life. I would give anything to have my sister back.

I too have always got on well with my siblings, and all my 'children get on pretty well and are in regular contact with us and wih each other, more so since they all had children and the grandchildren love to see their cousins. Of course there are disagreements and gripes but never anything serious. We are very lucky I suppose!

As an 'only' who likes the idea of siblings, you ladies are causing me to have a re-think. However, fantasy anyway....... I do have a very happy and healthy relationship with my cousins so maybe this is compensatory.

I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers.Our youngest brother lives in California but we are all in regular contact, in fact his son is here at the moment with his own young family to see us all.We meet regularly in different combinations but have a pact to meet 4 times a year together to mark our beloved parents birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths. This includes all our husbands/wives. Our children are friends too.This keeps our bonds strong and we know that this is what our dear parents would have wanted. I am not saying we never have differences- the Waltons we are not- but we value our family and have managed to overcome disagreements.I feel so sad for all who suffer the loss of this support through no fault of their own.

We are a family of 4 siblings 3 girls 1 boy. All got on great had fab times. Until he married to a woman that had no siblings and was extremley jealous of our relationships and laughs we had together. She told another family member she would put a stop to it. Finally got her way after 25 years. None of the family now have contact with our brother because of one very nasty bitter person.

My brother is 10 years younger than me which was a big difference when we were young but nothing now and we're very close. I like all my relatives so I am very lucky!

Totally agree with you Tessa101.

Totally agree with you Tessa 101 .

Sorry Eddiecat and Bluebelle I probably didn`t put my point of view across correctly what I mean is many people appear not to be interested in keeping contact with their siblings, having the attitude "I don`t need them" not dreaming that one day they just might need them should a dire medical emergency occur and then they suddenly find the ability to `mend that fence` they had created, suddenly those unsurmountable relationship problems are not so unsurmountable afterall. A friend experienced just such a dilemma in her family .... there was so much regret at the wasted years but only AFTER the kidney was gifted, and so much guilt that it took a dire emergency for them both to see sense..... unfortunately too late for the elderly parents who died broken hearted.

I was an only and witnessing the arguments and antagonism amongst my friends families I was always glad! The only time I wished for a sibling when my mother was suffering with dementia, but I recognise that this was a selfish desire on my part as I would rather have had someone to share the burden at that point.

The death of parents seem to be a common thread here for siblings to fall out. I've had similar experiencewhen our mum died. On the whole though have always got on with my 3 brothers and families when our children were growing up. Problem now seems as we have grandchildren and so busy there's no time to catch up with each other ...our own families come first so our sibling bond is disappearing!

My brother is eight years older than me and we haven't spoken for seventeen years, the day of my mother's funeral. I have no idea why. He has shown no interest in my children (one of whom is his godchild) or my grandchildren. He was a sad and bitter man before this so I can only think he is more sad and bitter now but I honestly hope he feels happier now than he would have to have had contact with his only sibling.

Watching "Long Lost Family" I often see people desperately searching for a missing sibling, or being delighted when they discover a sister/brother they didn`t know they had because "I always wanted a sister".
Being a pessimist/realist - I `d like to catch up with them a few years later and find out if things are working out as they expected!

My family have a tradition of the vultures arriving when someone dies who strip the house. The vultures may not have been that close to the deceased in life but they sure as hell know what they want after the death. So my mam has made a will that says my sister and I can only choose one thing each from the house then it will be closed up and everything will be sold and the money divided. The value of the item chosen will be taken into account when the money is divided.

She's also bought a prepaid funeral so that no one call tell us what she wanted because she's laid it all out.

Believe me with my family it's the best way.

My 2 children had a disagreement a few years which has never been properly resolved. I don't think it ever will be as they live at opposite ends of the country. Any attempts that I made to try and help just made things worse so I have stepped back. I am so sad as their children will never really get to know each other and I don't think I will ever see all my grandchildren playing together.

I am another "only" as technically is my DD, she however has 1 Half-B & 3 Half-Ss, 1 Step-S & 1 Step-B. She is in contact with some others have drifted away. DD would say she was an "only", she has 2 DC, my DGSs, how close they will be I don't know as there is a 7 year age gap. My DM grew up as an "only" as her B died when he was 6 months old.

I never really hankered after siblings although as DM is 88 I have no-one except DD to share worry with, luckily DM is in pretty good health & still in her own home. Problem is we live 300 miles away from DM, I don't like to think how it will be when DM dies, but that's a problem for the future.

It's sad when families fall out but just because you're related doesn't mean you like each other.

Interesting stories - I too am an only child who longed for siblings and now my parents have gone have no one to share memories with. My cousins are all in their 70's/80's (I'm 63) and although I think the world of them all rarely see any of them due to distance. My husband's brother is 7 years older than him so they had very little in common and although they did fall out (with his parents too) for some years they made up and in later years cared for my in-laws until their deaths. We get on well when we see them but that's once in a blue moon as they don't do family gatherings and didn't attend my youngest son's wedding some years ago. His sister is 3 years younger and we are very close - I think of her as the sister I never had. My eldest son's wife however hasn't spoken to her mother or sister since my youngest granddaughter was born nearly 16 years ago - many issues which is something like one of Jeremy Kyle's family situations and which I can never see being resolved. My own two sons have never been particularly close and now live on opposite sides of the world so rarely connect. It's just life I guess and something we just have to accept sad though it is.

i have three sisters no brothers .they refused to have anything to do with me after my mum died .they feel i didnt do enough for our parents which is true .had to work full time raise a son with a depressed husband .they refused to listen or understand
i love them a lot want them back in my life but it is not to be
i felt consoled reading about others who are going through trying times
thank you all for writing about siblings .had a heavy heart for a long time
true ,life is short

I had a brother who was younger than me. We usually got along as adults mainly because I was prepared to turn the other cheek many times. He knew the contents of my mothers will 18 years before she died and yet when she died he really expected me to just halve evrything although I had been the one she lived with for 11 years before her death and he hadnt even been to see her for 5 years. He was so angry that he told me to keep away from him. I was coming to England regularly every month last year and went to see him every time. He had cancer and other health problems and he was my brother. I had a phone call to say that he was not expected to live more than a week so I flew over and stayed until he died. I was even the person with him when he died as my SIL had left the room. I don't suppose he would have been so amenable if the boot had been on the other foot.

I have 4 children who are not particularly close and rarely see each other. Two DDs live only 25 miles apart but don't see each other very often. None of them are in contact with my adopted children other than through FB. Neither are they in regular contact with me and usually I have to instigate the phone call or meeting. I see so many families like this now and I think it is a shame. I suppose so many people these days are only concerned with themselves and families don't matter anymore. My husband's brothers died so he says he has no family left as the wives and nephews are not interested. So we have decided that it's time we lived for each other only and enjoy doing things together.

I love being an only child . My 2 DS get on very well. Most of my friends have little contact with siblings & DH never sees his.