Sister in law request

marieeliz I was surprised you mentioned the gravy. Perhaps you didn't mean it as a criticism and I perhaps mistakenly read it as exactly that.

As I said previously, I would try to let go of any animosity you feel towards your SIL which may enable you to move on following the loss of your brother.

You don't need to be best friends with your SIL and if you give her a chance, you may even find her fun.
Good luck with it all .,,

Glad your db's friends are being so helpful! Hope you keep us posted on what develops!

Hi everyone, I have spoken to my brother's friend and she and her husband are going to go over to collect something that belongs to them. When they come back from holiday next week. They will find out what is going on. They have suggested I reply in a vague way in the meanwhile.

They think the younger members of her family should go up into the loft and bring things down. Then, I can go up later in the year, I will stay with them or at a B&B I will also ask my best friend to come with me.

I have felt awkward re asking about Probate but it is Scottish law and I am not aware of what is going on. Her son in law was on "Gardening Leave" when I passed the paperwork to him. I don't know how long that went on for.

Teddy123 she will never move from that house, that is why she rejected the boy friend. Yes, there was gravy up the walls, is that normal!

I was tried to be friendly with her but when she got annoyed for not joining in the Gin drinking I gave up.

As for the loft and the office, I'm a little confused - are they part of the house? Separate from it? Either way, does sil now own them? If she does, it would seem to me it's her job to get them cleared out, even if she has to hire help.

Or is it something you were supposed to help take care of as an executor? I agree with Howcome that you need to check out where you stand legally. I don't want to worry you either, but this is important.

If you find you're at all responsible, it might be worth hiring people, if you can afford it, to help get things out of the loft so you can sort through them. Really, imo, all 3 executors should share the cost of the help and go through the items. But idk if that would work given the tensions involved.

If you're not legally responsible for anything, then I agree with following MawBroon's and FN's advice. I would add, you shouldn't have to be around this woman you dislike so intensely, if you don't have to.

Hoping this episode is behind you soon.

Maireeliz, so sorry for the loss of your db and the issue you're facing now. I think the reason you've had trouble grieving is your anger at your sil and her behavior. It's not her family that haven't "allowed" you to mourn, it's your own rage against them.

And yet, anger is often part of grief, to my knowledge. So please realize that this obvious anger at sil might be part of your sorrow. You never liked her to begin with - that's quite clear. And then there she was made executor on an equal par with you and inheriting your db's house! But these things were par for the course for her as his wife, so it seems to me your resentment is irrational and just part of the grieving process.

I realize you resented her before since your sojourns at db's house were curtailed after he married her (another fairly normal change, imo, when a family member gets married). But that's another reason why I think your animosity towards her got mixed up with your grief for db.

Imo, you could use some counseling to help deal with your feelings. Some people here pooh-pooh the idea of counseling, I know. But if you haven't been able to sort out your feelings after 7 years, I think that shows you need some professional guidance in doing so.

I'm pretty sure under Scottish law there's no time limit on winding up an estate. I could be wrong though.

Unfortunately for you unless you officially revoked your appointment in writing as part of probate you are an executor and jointly responsible for the beneficiary you mentioned not getting their bequest and anything else that has not been properly attended to. I would get in writing pretty smartly your view that you are no longer an executor her SIL having taken that on on her behalf and as such you have no official involvement in the further clearance, her SIL as her appointed representative as an executor should handle it. I know how trying all this is but an estate in England has to be settled in accordance with the will a year and a day after probate Is granted - it doesn't sound like that's happened and as an unrevoked executor you can be held legally responsible for any unsettled taxes or bequests so either take back control and find out what's happened to the estate and wrap it up properly. Or get your position acknowledged as revoked. I don't wish to worry you - there should be no problem unless a beneficiary or the tax man complains but I think you do need to check with a solicitor what's happened and what your obligations are - if you take on an executor role you can't just walk away from it legally. I as executor had to counter sign everything our appointed solicitor did when my Father died, had I not we had to appoint another executor and revoke our role in writing when we applied for probate.

She sounds incredibly sad and depressed. This can manifest itself in ways that are not that obvious- in fact they can seem oppositional. Happy people don't drink and neglect where they live.

I just wonder if there might be something of your brother's amongst the items to be cleared, which would give you some comfort. People deal with grief in different ways and maybe your SIL was trying to fill the void left by a husband she loved very much. My father always instilled in me the philosophy that nothing done after people are gone can hurt them, it is what happens in life that matters, but of course the sense of loss never goes away. Perhaps you could suggest that younger members of the family bring your brothers belongings down from the loft to a room where you can sit and sort - maybe there will be things that bring back happy memories

I agree with wilma and with other posters - surely probate must be finished after 7 years!! As an executor presumably you have seen your brother's will, has he left things to you that you haven't received?

I think I would see a solicitor for advice.

As one of the three executors, you're not sure if the other two executors carried out their duties properly or not. It doesn't sound like it though. Understandably you don't want to be personally involved seven years later, but if you didn't sign anything when you passed everything to your SiL's son in law, then you could get a solicitor act on your behalf now. You don't say who the third executor is, but perhaps they could join with your in getting the will sorted out.

The solicitor could find out what stage things got to with the will and then arrange for the process to be concluded. This will obviously cost money, but the cost of the solicitor could come out of the estate after everything is sold.

Unless the valuable items you mention were left to you in the will, you have no right to them and might not get them even if you went to the house and took part in the clearance. I suspect things would get emotional and overheated.

It's not ideal, but it does mean your brother's wishes are carried out and keeps you at arms length from your SiL.

"Gravy up the walls"
For goodness sake ....

Sorry but all your posts made for very uncomfortable reading. Your dear brother chose her, he loved her, but it seems you totally disliked her.
That's fair enough. Very often we can't see the attraction of the partners our nearest and dearest choose.

I can't find one nice thing you've said about her in your various posts.
She's possibly thinking of moving house (after 7 years) and realises she now has to face clearing your brothers possessions. I doubt she's expecting you to clamber around in the loft ("whilst she drinks gin") (ouch !!). More that you may want to browse through your brother's possessions so you can select a few mementos.

I realise I will sound at best blunt and at worst very very blunt. For all you know she made your brother extremely happy and vice versa. If you can't be civil to her, best all round if you totally avoid seeing her.

I see you harboured resentment towards her but seven years on ..... Give both yourself and her a break!

Sorry, gravy up walls.

Yellowcanary, yes it was a date, I believe she went out with him for quite a while. He wanted her to move to his home further North. She likes the house she is in as it is safe for her cats.
I am a quiet person and don't say what perhaps I should. When I used to go up, I had to clean the house from top to bottom, gray up kitchen walls.

I just feel I am being used, she has been away with her friends and I think it is their suggestion as she isn't up to it. The problem is that the things in the loft need to be sold they are pictures and 1st edition books. I would try and do this for my brother's sake but really feel I shouldn't get involved in it. I would also not want to stay in the house I would book somewhere so I could clear of at the end of the day. Her father was an alcoholic. What did annoy me is she mocks me because I only drink in moderation.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways, are you sure it was dating and not just company for an evening out? My husband passed away 20 years ago when I was only 36 (he was 15 years older me), someone we both knew asked me to go to the theatre with them just as friends a few months later - which we did and I'm sure my name was blackened a bit but it was only company and nothing else.

I cannot answer on the drinking though as that was something I didn't do I'm glad to say.

Seven years seems to be a long time to finish sorting an estate - unfortunately we are doing this now as my father recently passed away (my mum a very long time ago), and we are hoping to get everything finished by the end of the year if the house gets sold by then.

I would say your Sil is just not coping and sees you as somebody efficient and capable, as you have never expressed an opinion to her she probably has no idea how you view her. If you want anything out of the loft you are going to have to be there but do you want any of it? Certainly you can't go climbing about in the loft or anywhere else, so I suppose what you really need to do is get on a good old fashioned phone and talk it all over to find out what is going on. If you have numbers for her younger relatives you could try them. Otherwise let it go you have your memories.

I would tell her that I couldn't see myself clambering around in a loft, so maybe her family could get all the items down and then you'd be happy to go through them in her living room or something.
Then have a quick look through, pick out any mementos you want, announce you don't feel well and leave with your treasures.
If you leave it all to her, you might end up with nothing and they won't know the sentimental significance of any of the items.

What a difficult and sad time for you. Lots of helpful advice here. Can you go to Cruse to talk things through? Its often helpful to have an objective compassionate person to talk to.

The son-in-law as a solicitor is bound by his professional Code of Practice and he must act within it.

He may be as horrified by his MiLs drinking and other behaviour, etc, as you are, and perhaps keeping a little at arms length through this whole sad business but he accepted the role re probate that was offered him. He may, of course, have completed what he felt was needed, and may not consider the loft clearing as part of his duties .... but as a hopefully younger and fitter family member, he might be able to help in his personal capacity.

Do hope it goes well. ?

I lost my dear mum 10 years ago and my lovely husband 2 years ago. I find dealing with their things very emotionally charged. Grieve is a strange thing it took me 6 years before I let the grieve out with my mum but grieved for my husband from day one and I still am.
There is much pain to this story I never understand people who date right away I know there a lot of reasons for it and I try not to judge but I know that would have caused me a lot of pain if I was you. It sound to me like she hasn’t really bothered about you and the reasons for this sudden invite are purely selfish on her part.
I am much younger then you and I could not be getting up into lofts (Terrified of heights) and I would be horrified if anyone suggested I did, when there was younger members that were able to do it.
I think you need to do what is right for you and what you think would honour your brother.
I think if you decided to go, you need to set out a few things first, make sure there will be no men in the home if this will up set you. Then set out what is acceptable. Point out you are still grieving and find the whole process painful. Say you are happy to help but you will not be climbing onto the loft. If you find it hard to say no just make light of it and say something like my loft days are well and truly gone best ask a younger person if you don’t want your ceiling coming down. Perhaps make it clear that you would like a memento, or you would like to find the picture that was legally left to a friend. If you really don’t want to go just say thank you but no I have all my memories of my brother in my heart thank you. I know it’s a very difficult decision so just take time.
Whatever you do, just do what is right for you and your bothers memory.
There are also legal implantatios here too but I have no idea how to advice on those. I wish you well.

Jojo243 says all the right things. Do get one of the younger ones to empty the loft but if there are specific things you really feel you need then list them and I personally would pick them up when you meet up with your brother's friends, that is a more important task

As executor you should have made sure all your brothers requests were met including the gift of a picture to his friend. I would suggest you re-read the will and ensure all his wishes have been carried out and also ask for any items you may wish to keep as a momento once this is done you can have closure and choose whether or not to maintain a relationship with SIL

I also think you have good advice here but have a niggling feeling that you may have been due certain things when probate was granted that have not appeared.
Either ask a younger relative, as suggested , to contact the son in law you gave over everything to, or ask your lawyer to make polite, non specific enquiries.

I am afraid that, whilst you certainly should not be travelling ( I'm afraid she will bully and upset you ) or clearing lofts, that if you don't do anything then she will say that she has done her bit and you weren't interested. Something is being covered up here.
Good luck,x

I am surprised and a little disappointed at the replies here. Unusually for this forum they seem to be taking a black and white stance - though we all know that human situations are rarely - if ever - that clear cut! But crucially it does not help either party to move forward!

First I cannot see how an independent adult's grieving process can be controlled by people living entirely separately - though of course it can be affected. Sadly it seems most likely that both you and your sister-in-law are grieving here. Recognising this would seem to be essential to both of you. My mother was a counsellor for Cruse (bereavement counselling) and I would strongly recommend this to gain insight and work through the complex emotions. The pattern of grieving is often heavily influenced by earlier experiences of bereavement in our lives and how they were resolved - or remain unresolved.
Caring for ourselves and others should be part of our identity. Take care <3