Sister in law request

Tell it like it is.
Clearing her loft is definitely not for a 78 year old, let her children do it and if there are any family mementos she would like you to have, say you look forward to either her bringing them over or to picking them up (depending on your circumstances)
You owe her nothing and it sounds as if it would be profoundly depressing for you.
Be kind but be firm.

First of all...you should be allowed to grieve. This cannot be controlled by anyone else. You miss your dear brother terribly. So mourn him.
Secondly....I am assuming that your brother did not marry this woman as you are being asked to clear the house!
There must have been a will...so what were the wishes of your brother in this will?
If the house was left to his partner, then you are certainly not required to do any clearing whatsoever. Its all down to her.
However, if the house was left to you, then the situation is very different.
Perhaps you could explain a bit more.

Hi Mawbroon and Grannysue, my brother did marry her, he wasn't bothered about marriage but she twisted his arm. I have seen the letter to prove it.

There was a will and I was one of two executors originally but when he took ill she was put on as a third. Her friend shouted at me as I was not going Probate quick enough "She needs the money". I was in England and they where in Scotland I found it difficult to cope from that distance. Her son in law was a Lawyer so I passed everything to him. I don't know what happened after that as I was not asked to sign anything. Later I got a request from her daughter to agree to releasing some shares. It seems the company would only do it with all 3 signatures. I do know that a friend a picture was left to never received it.

MawBroon, I think there are family mementos up in the loft so I don't want to loose the chance of getting those. So I think your suggestion is a good idea.

I should get in touch with whichever family member you trust most up in Scotland. Let them know that she has contacted you but that you are unable to actively help in the clearout but that you would like any personal items of your brother to be sent to you as a memento. I am sure they (if not the wife) will understand your position.

If it ends up that you don't get the family items, you have to accept that they are only objects and you mustn't hold on to them, in your mind.

It sounds to me as if you'd be best to have nothing more to do with this sister in law.

Personally if it were me I would enlist the help of another younger member of your family - or if there are none a trusted friend. Get them to go to the house with you and do the things you cannot do and look yourself through everything - if you leave it to them - the wife etc - you may find things which are valuable to you as mementoes etc are destroyed and anything of value snaffled!

I'm sorry that this is painful reminder for you of your db's death - but I did find some of your post a bit judgmental - it was not only your brother's house as it was also their marital home. Just as you felt you could not grieve in the way you felt was best for you you cannot really dictate how the widow chooses to grieve - while some people never get over the death of the partner others need to move on and have company. It sounds in anycase as though she has problems if she is drinking so heavily.

However it would be very unreasonable to expect you to root around in the loft at 78. Are you sure that she actually meant you to go up in the loft? For example she might have wanted to arrange a time to be there when the big clearout occurs so that you could sort through the stuff that younger family members bring down so that you could have any family momentos that you wanted.

I would make it clear that you cannot actually go in the loft but you would like to sort through the boxes of family things

Just one question - given that your DB died 7 years ago am I right to presume that probate has already been granted and that the widow inherited the house and its contents? So in many ways this is a generous offer on her part to give you items the technically belong to her.

Welshwife, I have no younger family members although she has. Cold, it may seem judgemental to you, but I helped my brother move into this house and stayed there regularly over many years before she came onto the scene. She always had a drink problem it wasn't just because of the bereavement. Within three weeks she had gone on line dating.

I do not understand why she has not asked her family to do this. She should not need to ask them they are aware. There are things that would need to be sold and I know I would be expected to do this as I was expected to deal with the Probate. I have no idea weather Probate has been completed as I passed everything to her son in law.

By the way she has not offered me anything just a request to go up and empty the loft and office. Mawbroon made the suggestion that I ask for family items.

Unless you very much want to go and / or to try to get some items, why bother?
Just tell her there isn't anything you want and you're sure her family will make a great job of helping her.

If that is what she is asking without offering you the chance to have some family items or mementos of your brother, my reply would be rather less polite!
Emotional blackmail - don't fall for it!

Thanks, I will reply today using MawBroon and FarNorth's advice.

I think you are right to do that. Walk away. Keep memories of your brother rather than mementos. I'm sorry you have been pressured like this causing you angst.

Difficult for you to see this situation but you do have choices. If there are things you really WANT from the loft then you need to list them. Tell her you are too old to be gading about up in a loft and suggest as other readers have she get her kids to do it or as we did get someone in and they supervise it.
Offer to pay for the postage for the things you want to be shipped to you as that is fair. If you feel you DON'T really want the things ( are they really that important?) just say thanks but no thanks and suggest she gets some house clearance folks in.

Have you thought that maybe she drinks and socialises because she desperately misses him? Was he ill and unable to be a companion to her before he died? Instead of judging her drinking habits maybe you should ask why she is like that because you never said she was like that before he died. Was she a good wife and mother? Are you just a bit jealous she is getting on with her life because I'm sorry you just sound a bit catty here. If she has a serious drink problem if you are any sort of friend as well as a sister in law you should try and help her or speak to your nephew and niece and tell them they should help her. Being old doesn't stop everyone having a duty as a friend.

why not contact her son-in-law and ask for an update on the probate etc, explain that you do not feel up to undertaking a long journey and the situation would be far too upsetting for you ,ask that when they clear out the loft and office any family memorabilia you would love to have , could they please send it to you via delivery that you would be happy to pay for , ask the son-in law if he could explain it to her, good luck

Marieeliz, I'm sorry to hear of this state of affairs. However, whilst your brother's wife may not have been an ideal wife to your brother or sister-in-Law to you, she might just be coming around to realising she needs to offer you something of his to remember him by, and let you choose what. It's up to you, after all this time, whether you wish to go. If she just wants someone to clear her loft, then you can say no, as it's clearly inappropriate to ask a 78 year old to do that. As for not being allowed to grieve, nobody can dictate that to you, it's entirely up to you! It sounds as though you have begun now, so take ownership of your feelings and that will help you to move on. There' no point in heaping all the blame on your erstwhile SIL. I have lost 2 husbands, the second one had grown-up family. It was interesting to see the different reactions - some positive, some avoidant and some negative. It all depends on personality and circumstances. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Losing irreplaceable old photos etching would be a shame. I agree with Morningdew, but would prefer to be present personally (three times the only momentoes I was 'allowed' was what no-one else wanted!)

I would probably go. Take a few small items as a memento. Leave saying I'll be back and then text saying that I don't feel up to it and that she'll have to find someone else to clear the rest. Then I'd block her number. That's if it doesn't involve going up a loft ladder. In that case I would just let it go.

Etching? Etc was honestly what I typed!!!

Were you left anything in the will?

I am sure she will understand that you are not able to get into the loft to sort things out, I don't understand about the office, is it at their home? If you were executor then maybe you should have sight of any paperwork there. I also think you should have been asked as executor to sign over your involvement to the other executors before anything could have been finalised. You do have a role to make sure that everything has been paid out to those owed money or bequests.

Grieving is hard and everyone does it their own way don't judge her for her method and be kind to yourself about your own way of dealing with this loss.

It does sound a bit as if, you didn't ever approve of her but your brother married her, and trusted both of you to be his joint executors, so I assume he thought you would derive support from each other.

I would tell her that you are unable to manage the job she is asking you to share, get her to confirm the position regarding the executing of the will, check you have received anything your brother wanted you to have.

In a way, she is perhaps attempting to be kind, offering you the opportunity to look at things that may have a meaning for you personally.

If you can't face it, tell her kindly, you have your memories of your brother to help you through a difficult time.

I think you have had really good advice here. You can't be expected physically even to check through the loft. It sounds to me as though she finds the problem daunting and is looking for someone to shift the job on to.

As for dating so soon after her husband's death, I know a few people who have done this. It's a difficult time and I think a sort of panic sets in that they will be alone for ever if they don't get out there. I remember as a child being horrified when a family friend died of breast cancer just after her tenth child was born. Her husband was married again in ten months. I can understand it now. Another friend was dating a few months after bereavement in spite of being devastated at losing her partner. Just because we can't imagine doing that doesn't make it wrong,

Unless you want to stake a claim for some family memento up that loft I would say 'No Thank you' and leave your sister-in-law to get in with it.

Unless there are any sentimental memento,s you might like to be given in your late brother's memory then I would not even visit her let alone take on the massive task of clearing the loft out for her. What a cheek she has. She was his wife ..it is her place to organise this and not yours. How about her own immediate family lending a hand in all of this. Guess they don"t like the thought of it...who does. With due respect for your age it is a task for younger/ agile people to go into lofts and sort them out. If you don"t have much contact with her generally and don"t use your mobile phone often it might be a good idea to write her a little card..briefly mentioning her hints at the loft clearance but unfortunately you are unable to help her with all of this..giving whatever reason you see fit ..or no reasons at all. To me it sounds like she is relying on your good nature and the memory of your brother to get this job done. Be kind to yourself.