living with adult children & grandchildren, can it work?

Very timely post for me as our DD, SIL and 2 GC are due to move in with us any day! They've just sold their house and looking to do up houses for a few years and save money (We've all had loads of experience with this). We have laid out some ground rules (they're needed I think). Luckily my SIL hates mess, so tidies up every night after the children and puts their toys away. My daughter enjoys cooking so that'll be her primary role. I have to say I'm looking forward to it!

Own front door, kitchen and bathroom all essential. My rather difficult mother-in-law lived with us in a granny flat for 16 years until she died. So those were the things that made it workable.

As long as you all have your own space it could work. My granny came to live with us when I was eleven. We had a small three bedroomed house. It didn't work, my brother left home as soon as he could. I think separate living rooms, and your own tv would work ok.

My cousin and her husband sold their house and they and their DD, DSiL and 2 DGS moved into a lovely large house, They had their own sitting room and built a conservatory on it and a ground floor bedroom and wet room. They shared a large kitchen/diner and a lovely big garden. There were lots of positives but I think my cousin's daughter sort of 'ruled the roost' so it wasn't all plain sailing.
Then out of the blue DD decided her marriage was over and they'd have to sell up so they found themselves moving house twice in 5 years, in their 70s and not good health. They'd have struggled to buy again without the help of their DS.

I'm sure this can work wonderfully well with goodwill and best of intentions - plus a lot of patience - on both sides, and I really do wish you luck if you decide to go for this option. You will also , hopefully, circumnavigate the Chancellor of the Exchequer and be able to have your children benefit from your lifetime of hard work when you finally depart this mortal coil.

However, please do get the legal bits sorted out to everyone's satisfaction; I have one relative who came home in time to find his Fil in negotiations with a solicitor that would have seen his children with nothing in the future, and one of my Mother's friends bought a house with her DS and Dil (hers was by far the bigger contribution) and after some family rows and much stress the poor woman found herself in hospital following a heart attack and then in a one bedroom council flat as DS and Dil had sold the large house during her illness, bought themselves another, pocketed 'the change' and had no room for her. In both cases the legal arrangements had been left rather loose and open to manipulation. I don't want to suggest anything like this might happen to you but it seems wise to get everything sorted properly initially for peace of mind all round.

My DD and baby DGS came to live with us following her marriage breakdown. They were here for 5 years. During this time we seriously considered selling our house and buying a bigger property jointly with my dd. It turned out to be a legal minefield. We got as far as seeing a financial advisor but it wasn't possible to take it any further. The reason being that my dh and I are mortgage free and my dd would have needed to take on a mortgage. it wouldn't be possible for us to own 50% outright and my daughter to have 50% on a mortgage. The mortgage would be on the whole property. I hope this makes sense!! My dd and dgs are now in their own house (5 minutes away) and we have our own house back!! I loved them being here and was sad when they left but it really has worked out for the best. Dd has to work full time and we still help out every day with dgs (school runs, school holidays etc). Good luck with whatever you decide.

I understood granny annexes had a council tax exemption...every details is fraught with the necessity to be checked out. My dad was cuncil tax exempt but my sister wasn't and nsisted he was liable to pay her half....nightmares all round.

Not sure about this one. A few years ago my daughter and partner bought one of these new "town houses" three storeys. We live a long way from them and after the initial visit to see them in this new house my daughter had a"brainwave" that it could work for us all living there together! Us having the complete top floor and the rest of the family having the two lower floors. There was an initial temptation ...seeing more of them which we missed....helping each other out ect. In theory it could work but in practice it would"nt have done for me. There was only one kitchen...the old saying two women in one kitchen ect....plus the financial side of how it would work ..could foresee future problems with that. Possibly if it had been an older house with granny flat or something similar might have been a different matter. However when you see how families from different cultures all live together with their extended families and seem to care for them in old age it does make me think that they have got something right and our society has got it wrong in certain respects.

Bear in mind if you have separate quarters with two fully functioning kitchens, you may well find yourself with two lots of council tax to pay even if you share the same front door. This was suggested by South Lakes District Council when my parents knocked two houses together and didn't remove one of kitchens. They never used the second kitchen but the potential was there even though there was just the two of them. Having two families in the same house, each with their own separate facilities, might be considered as two dwellings. You might think 'they'll never know' but someone might well tell on you.

A friend of mine, when she married, bought a large house with her parents and both families lived there in fairly demarcated areas. My friend's husband, howver, 'played away' which brought problems in paying the mortgage when he moved out. It is true, though, that she then had childcare on tap which made her full time job easier.

When her father died it left two women and two children living in a very large house and they had to sell it as they couldn't afford to continue to live there. They bought a smaller house and lived together there happily.

Share these posts with them so that they too can see the pros and cons ! My daughter and baby son came to live with me when her relationship ended. Her now husband moved in with us 5 years later, but space was tight. So we have now bought a house with a granny annexe for me. They have their space to bond as a new family, and I have my space as am retired and love/need my peace. We eat dinner together every evening, but once we have cleared up, off I go to my annexe. I am the laundry and the emptying the bins "monitor", so we share chores too. My grandson trots back and forth as he wants, I am on hand to help or babysit when needed, but it's basically a healthy respect for each other's needs.

Sounds OK, Everthankful. Will the finances stretch to your own front door? Believe me it's a necessity for that bit of independence you will want to hang on to.

Having a bolthole is your trump card.

Good Luck!

My daughter, her partner and month old baby live with me. Her partner moved in a couple of years ago after my husband developed heart failure to help. It's working so far but my husband died suddenly at the end of September aged 51. It's my house with just over 6 years mortgage left. Between us we have recently had the house rewired and central heating put in.

My DS and his partner moved in with me 2years ago supposedly to save for a mortgage however 4 holidays and a new car later this hasn't happened after things came to a head last month they moved out last week fortunately we are on very good terms but I feel had it gone on any longer we wouldn't have been I love my DS and his partner but they didn't do much in the house and I felt it caused me extra work I work full-time and any arguments they had they involved me I felt like piggy in the middle financially I see your point as i will really struggle living alone as they contributed to bills but it just wasn't good for either of us maybe in a larger house or granny flat it would have

My dad bought a house with an annexe and lived with my sister and her family. Dad paid half in cash and my sister had small mortage. Sister had by far the biggest part of the house and when dad worked he paid half of all the bills. By the time he retired sister's 3 kids were all grown up and in good careers........but they all insisted dad had to carry on paying half of the bills, 5 adult wages and 5 adults usage against dad's pension.

War broke out. My sister re mortgaged the house behind dad's back and got into horrendous debt.........£98.000 on credit cards.........the parties spent £100.000 on legal costs , my sister died of cancer and would not even see dad who was 'next door'.

The banks eventually came up with some arcane banking law that state, 'if 2 out of the 3 parties to the mortgage are aware, it doesn't matter of the 3rd parties signatures have been forged'.

Dad had no choice but to move and was miserable and a broken man until he died.

My widowed brother in law was left with no no equity in his home at all at age 60............

Circumstances can change.

Oh dear, I am financing an extension on my daughter's house so I can move in with them and their little daughter. I'm starting to worry now! We do all get on very well and the little girl spends a lot of time with me when her parents are at work. Grandaughter is excited about me moving in and being there full time, I wonder if I might regret this?! I do have a static caravan holiday home so I think I may spend quite a bit of respite time there. Wish me luck!

We have done this twice; firstly when we shared a home with my elderly mother until she died and more recently when we bought a shared property with DS and DIL and their two very young children. I have to say it has worked brilliantly for us and we are very happy all living under the same roof. Yes, there are disadvantages as pointed out by other posters but, for me, these are far outweighed by the advantages. The children love having us here and we are able to help out with childcare which is really appreciated by my DIL and DS. My advice is to make sure you sort out the legal aspects and the rules; be prepared for teething problems and deal with them as they arise - don't let them fester; be kind to one another and make sure you have some space for yourself. Good luck and I hope it works for you.

We moved in to my Mum's when our kids were younger. It was a huge house and really should have worked but it didn't. She felt able to act in whatever way she wanted with our kids; to me, her discipline was abusive. We couldn't decorate our rooms or even move the furniture in them because it was her house. Even when I was cooking, I'd turn my back and a whole host of ingredients would jump into the pan courtesy of her determination to have it done her way whether she was eating or not. Eventually, we moved into a one bedroomed flat with 5 children just to get away. It was a squashed existence but we got on better as sardines than living in a dictatorship! She was terribly upset and my daughter, with her manipulation, formed part of her campaign to get us to stay. Things have never really recovered because it brought back so many childhood memories of her manipulative, abusive character that I had managed to bury.

Found the comments very interesting in this thread. Due to some highly unusual and completely unexpected circumstances more than five years ago, my husband and I moved in to my daughter and son-in-laws home at the suggestion of son-in-law. We were very unsure about the arrangement and it took us several months to be persuaded that it would be for the best and that it could work, and it has been a wonderful experience. We are lucky that we have a third of a large farmhouse and office space for my husband to work in. We see our daughter and grandchildren when they pop through to say hello and our son in law from time to time but not every day. We have always ensured that we make a decent monthly contribution to all the utility bills and our accommodation is ours to maintain and decorate as we see fit. We have found being around the family has been helpful on both sides and there has been no intrusion into the personal space or lives of each other. Our other three adult children and their families are able to visit as and when they want to and it causes no problems. It has worked so well and certainly very much better than I thought that it would. We can't imagine being anywhere else now, and I doubt that my daughter and her husband and children would want us to leave.

It had better work! Last year, I sold my home of 26 years, and moved to Germany to be with my only son and his lovely German wife, and their baby daughter. They had been asking me since I took early retirement 7 years ago, but I had been resisting because I am an independent, stubborn old biddy. Tomorrow, the gang move into their first self-owned home, having rented until now. I will move into the self-contained granny flat in the next few weeks, as the shower room is being turned into a wet-room for me. More important to get the kids settled first...baby number two is due in 4 weeks! I've been renting here too, but can't wait until we are all in the same place. Ground rules have been set, though...in fact, they were set before I agreed to come! And their new au pair arrives on Sunday..I'll be sharing child-care of my elder granddaughter with her while daughter-in-law is on maternity leave, then elder one will go to nursery and we'll have the younger one when mum goes back to work. Most of my capital has gone into the house..I'd far rather they had it while they need it most, and while we can enjoy it together. Happy days...I hope!

Sorry son in law not sail!

We have done this. Bought a large house for myself, daughter two children, one 'disabled'. It works incredibly well. Get a house that suits your needs, talk everything through. Pretty sure it wouldn't have worked if one of us had a husband though, make sure your sail is 100% ok with it. It CAN work.

What happens if the aged P needs to go into a nursing home etc.? The financial implications?

I have close friend who sold up to move in with daughter & son in law in large house. They split after several years & managed to afford to stay in house. Then daughter met someone with kids. My friend was asked to move out. Her hubby just diagnosed with cancer. They moved to small flat (they had sold their beautiful bungalow ) Hubby died after a year. She still lives there paying an extortionate rent. Be careful

We thought about this several years ago but decided against it.

What happens if circumstances change. A new job meaning a house move or a divorce. How do you decide who gets what rooms. What happens if one party is unhappy and wants to move. Every one then gets disrupted.

What if one couple want to raise equity on property or want to make alterations.

We have a good retlationship and it was my DiL who made the suggestion. In hindsight I am glad we kept our independence. We are 70 now and have a very different view on life than we did 10 years ago when it was suggested.