living with adult children & grandchildren, can it work?

Paddyann, I do think you are the exception rather than the rule, I have heard of lots of problems, that is not to say there are not families like yours that can make it work, but rare, I miss company a lot now widowed after a life of being the carer for elderly in laws and children, but I still could not live with a lot of people, there are times I really value peace and quiet and my independence. That mean test pissibly one day I will end up in care, hope I go before that happens, but even so I wouldn't want any of my family caring for me.

we started the process to buy a house that was big enough to have a seperate flat for my son and his daughter(7) and an annexe for my MIL ,last year.Sadly the people selling the house changed their minds and took it off the market.We're still looking for a replacement.We are all looking forward to being in the same building but having seperate living areas.I was born in the 50's and my parents and siblings and I lived with my granny ,two sets of aunts and uncles and two cousins all under one roof and we were all happy with the arrangement.We moved to a home of our own when I was under school age and my elsdest sister a young teen ...and granny sold her house and moved in with us.I dont remember there being any major probllems apart from her saying the house sounded like a fairground because of music playing in every room..lol.I have many happy memories of the time she was with us and I look forward to having my own version in a house that suits us all ....when I find it .

3 really big disadvanges i seen happen to freinds
1
Older person met someone what to either move in with them and let another family member have their living space or have new partner move in . And of course the adult child was not happy with either option. In the end older person stayed put .

2
Adult child get divorce .
It 50 /50 they would keep the house .
In the end the judgement when the older person dies the ex gets his %
3
Adult child wants to down side there will be no money for older parent so they will have get council place . Which has not happen yet . They don't realises they going to have sell up and make the older parent homeless before they can get a council place . Who wants to be dealing with that in your 80s .

The older parent has had years of a 3rd of bills . So thinks they have had a good deal.

I think it best to be independent,to keep your friends and get out there, a little distance is a good thing. However, it can work if all sides want the same thing, it can also cause lots of problems, what happens if you need residential care or one of you wants to move house or the parent has an illness that requires care or if the older parent becomes demanding?

What might happen if you need residential care?

Hi we had our D, SIL and two grandsons (2 and new baby) live with us for eighteen months when they had problems with the flat they rented. This was on the whole a fantastic time seeing the boys everyday. But we also found we had no personal space and found ourselves making excuses to go out for a bit of peace. In then end they also needed to be a family on their own.

Yes, maybe Hm999, but without hearing the (true) horror stories on here, many people might walk blindly into the arrangement and get even more stressed out!
fionaj raises a interesting point that if the elderly parent puts say £100,000 into the house pot to live with one child and 10 years down the line the value of the house has trebled, are other siblings entitled to their share of the new value in the house ie. £300,000. If the parent had stayed in his/her own home then there may have been no argument about each child fairly inheriting their share, but with one child alone sitting on the pile, things could get messy.

Like childbirth and the dentist, all you ever hear about is the horror stories. Yes be very careful, yes work out the finances carefully, yes have the legalities tied up nicely, but this thread has actually stressed out people in the middle of this change in circumstances. 3 generational living used to be the norm until 60/70 yrs ago

I wouldnt go down that road. Be very careful before you decide on anything, it all sounds fine, but who knows whats around the corner. Good Luck whatever you decide.

When I retired, I bought a bungalow with a garage. This was converted and added to and made a very pleasant annex for me. My daughter and granddaughter (5) live in the rest of the house. We all get along well, I babysit when needed, my daughter does all the washing (only washing machine in house). I own the house but daughter paid a lot towards fitting a new kitchen & bathroom, flooring etc. in her part. I feel secure and she knows it is all left to her when I go. If I am ill she will look after me, but hopefully I'll have a long time yet (69). It works for us but having only 1 child makes it a lot easier I think.

Everyone's circumstances are different, but it can definitely work.

My mum lived with us for seven years, until she died in 1994. She was particularly close to my youngest daughter, who regarded her as a second mum. I was very glad she was with us, particularly towards the end of her life when she began to need extra care due to her heart problems.

Our youngest daughter has always lived at home and, eleven years ago, her partner moved in with us when he moved across country to be with her. They've been here ever since and now have their two little girls, aged seven and five. I have helped to look after them ever since they were born, and do so whenever their mum and dad go out, as they do most days. The girls are now being home-educated and, as their mum is often busy with running her partner's business, a lot of the teaching falls to me. They do keep me busy, but they also keep me interested and give me a lot of affection.

Yes, there have been a few spectacular rows - usually between my husband and daughter, both as hard-headed as each other - but no more than in any family. In general, we rub along together pretty well. I would miss them terribly if they moved out.

My husband & I brought a house with my mum years ago, we brought the house but were ten thousand short of purchase price, which my mum paid so we could all move in together. Mum had her own lounge & bedroom but we shared the kitchen bathroom etc. We had 2 younger children, most of the time it was fine we all muddled along ok. My mum lived with us for 16 years. Alas when mum died there was an amount of discord between my sister, brother & I. Mum made a will which I knew about, which left my brother & sister 15 thousand each any other money left was to be divided 3 ways, thus didn't happen as my sister felt she was being short changed as our house had increased in value more than their share left to them. To be honest think there was only a few thousand left after their money,but I don't really know as I was told in no uncertain terms I had had more than my fair share.
I'm sorry if this sounds like self pity, I'm not trying to do that honest, just to warn you of what could be problems in the future if you have other children.

I've done this. Sold my house and moved in with my daughter and son in law. It was the only way they were ever going to get on the property ladder. They lived with me for two years previously to save for their wedding after moving down from Leeds. I have my own space and they have theirs. We all get on really well and help each other out. In a couple of months time my eldest son, wife and dcg will move in for four months whilst they have building work done. Happy families ! I'm divorced btw and intend to stay single until I pop my clogs.Of course this wouldn't suit everyone but I've never regretted my decision,

My ex dil lost her mother a couple of years ago. Her father took to going over to her and her partner's house every day, eating all meals there and not paying a penny towards anything. In the end they thought it would be easier to move in with him and rent out their own home. I'm pretty sure she regrets the decision. Although his will leaves everything to her they will no doubt have earned it as although he has many health issues he is wearing his daughter to a frazzle.

I find it impossible to advise as no two relationships are the same. None of us would have had my mother to live with us long term. She was the most manipulative person I ever knew and had us dancing to her tune until the end, but in her house, not ours. Her mother was taken in by my uncle and a granny annexe was built on the side of the house for her. She made life hell for my aunt and my cousins attribute her early death to the stress of it.

However here I am, their direct descendant, with one of my offspring and her toddler living in my house. It isn't easy though I love them both but it doesn't feel like my house any more. I have a lot of responsibility for the little one and am really a second parent and behave as such, though I try to not criticise her ways. We both have to bite our tongues frequently. There are no partners to consider and I doubt if it would work as well as it does if there were, in fact I am sure it wouldn't if my ex were still around. Not his thing children, in anything more than very small doses. It isn't forever but I am unlikely to be up to much by the time she can afford to buy a house and leave.

I know a family where there were three generations living very happily but it was a big house and the grandparents had an annexe. They were a lovely couple too and grandfather took over the vegetable growing for the family. It's a lovely arrangements if it works.

Looking at it from a different angle, we were once in the situation where a sibling of my OH asked their widowed father to come and live with them in Europe where they were renovating a gite complex. We did a bit of a gasp, as FIL was a very cantankerous difficult man and this sibling had always detested him. So a weird decision we thought.

Perhaps we should have pursued this in more detail; (rather than heaving a sigh of relief that we did not have to be responsible for him - I know, I know, that sounds awful!). What happened was that after a couple of years this sibling rang to say that FIL was dying and he wanted to die in UK and he was more or less posted back to us to deal with. When he fetched up on our doorstep he was no more dying than I was! After a month or so of being piggy-in-the-middle between FIL and my OH I had to sit down with him and explain that we could not keep him there indefinitely and that I would start to investigate independent accommodation for him. The observant amongst you will be asking why it was ME doing all the difficult bits and not my OH - but that is another story!

When he died, all became clear - the sibling had used tens of thousands of pounds of FIL's money towards the renovation abroad, then packed him back to us when they got fed up with him! Also, no account was taken of the fact that this money had already gone to sibling when the will was seen, so they pocketed the cash and depleted our inheritance. We "sucked it up" as they say because we could not deal with the hassle. Hmm - we keep smiling.

We (husband and 2 children) shared a house with my mother for about 12 years before her passing. It was very difficult and caused a lot of emotional conflict. Would I do it again - absolutely not.

Yes, lots to think about. Things can go messily wrong, a former neighbour did this with her daughter and found herself homeless after her daughter and husband divorced. It can also go beautifully right, another friend has lived independently under the same roof with her son and family for three years and it is working well, they are all very content. The key I think is to get informed professional advice, do lots of talking before the move and be prepared to re-visit ground rules as children get older or if they simply don't work. No harm in exploring the options. Good luck, let us know how it all goes.

Just wondering how the SiL feels about this potential arrangement or did you and DD not ask him!. I couldnt imagine my sons moving in with MiL??. I personally would never consider moving in withmthem, Make sure you get a good solicitor to act for you as you will need to protect your assets. What if something happened to you and your DD's marriage broke up. Her husband might then be able to claim an equal share in the property!. It could happen. Lots of potential pit falls, lots for you to think about.

There is a lot to consider here not least the implications were you to need to go into residential care and the value of your share of the property were to be calculated you might also want to consider changing the type of ownership of this property from "joint tenants" to "tenants in common" I would also suggest that if your daughter is planning on a mortgage that you ensure there is payment protection insurance in place in case she or partner loose their jobs

I sold my house just over 4yrs ago and bought a house with my son daughter in law and my 5mth old drandaughter. I certainly don't regret it, and who knows what the future holds.

I sold my house just over 4yrs years ago,and bought a house with my son daughter in law at that time my granddaughter was 5mths old. I certainly don't regret it and who knows what the future holds.

Unless you get on tremendously well and have every financial implication and every scenario covered I would say a big no. I used to be an advisor for the elderly and I had no end of people who came to be bitterly regretting it. It would all start out well and then slowly their family would take over the house and start to make life really difficult. Some had out all the proceeds of the sake of their own home in the new house but we're naive enough to trust their families. Divorce, children growing up and needing more space all change the situation. What if they want to move would you be happy to move again? There are so many divorces now and whoever leaves could force a sale. Please think carefully. It can work if accomodation is split in someway and you should e your own living quarters. Think of two women in the same kitchen! Good luck with whatever you decide.x

in may 2015 my daughter and her two daughters moved in with me [the girls were removed from the marital home - long and sad story - and my daughter decided to formalise the separation between her husband and herself].
they moved into my small two bedroomed house - the three of them share my spare room.
it's been a bit difficult to get their possessions sorted out as neither of the girls are tidy people and my daughter was depressed and suffering from stress and anxiety.
my hopefully soon to be ex son in law is still in the marital home and, again hopefully, my daughter will be able to have her share of the house as a settlement. but until then we are fairly cramped.
my daughter works mondays and tuesdays and alternate fridays and saturdays so she only has a few days to sort things out but, this holidays, we're going to be sorting things out. it's going to take time but in the end we'll be able to get everything packed away and have space for everyone.
fortunately i've got quite a large loft area as my daughter has quite a lot of "stuff" in the marital home's loft which will have to come here [things like old childhood toys which she doesn't want to lose].
it's worked for us in the main although i'm not able to do the cooking at the moment. i'm waiting for a knee replacement operation so i'm limited as to what i can do in the home and it seems that i'm the only one who does any cleaning. however when i'm back to normal i'll be able to take over the cooking again - my daughter is on her feet all day when she's working and the last thing she wants to do when she gets home is cook!
unfortunately, owing to financial circumstances, there's no way we could afford to sell my house and buy another one which has three bedrooms - we've thought about it but it's not possible ............ i'm retired and she only works part time so is unable to get a mortgage.
however the sharing is done it should be worked out who pays for what and you must safeguard yourself/selves so you don't find yourself/selves homeless if it all goes pear shaped.

I have lived with my divorced daughter and granddaughter, now 20, since we arrived in England 15 years ago, it is just the 3 of us, although there have been a few ups and downs over the years, mostly it has been a very positive experience, we all do different things in the house, my daughter works and I have always been at home to look after my granddaughter and do things with her and then we would all get together on weekends and do things together. The child is all grown up now and working herself, but we all have a very close knit relationship, and now they both have partners as well, we all get on, so for me, it is ideal.