What is a marriage?

Me too aggie

sorry , the hygiene and porn would have me heading for the hills .

It all depends if you can survive financially on your own. If you think you can survive and the situation is unbearable, then make another life for yourself. Sometimes, it is easier said then done, but only you know if you have the courage and the wherewithall to do this.

This is tricky. When I read the first couple of paragraphs it seemed like a good idea to stay BUT on reading further your situation sounded so much worse.
Is it possible for you to have a trial separation? Or maybe go away for a week or so to different surroundings and 'gather your thoughts'?
Possibly it could trigger in him a change (though it seems doubtful) and then you could take it from there. To stay sounds rather self-destructive - slowly eroding your happiness - which is no way to live. Only you can ultimately decide.

Snowdrop ask your solicitor whether he is entitled to any of your redundancy money if you file for divorce before you are made redundant because I don't think he will be.

Snowdrop you really don't sound too sure about whether you need to do anything or not. I don't think any of us husbands or wives are perfect in any way and we all have our oddities and funnyiosities. If every marriage which wasn't perfect was made to end in divorce there would be no married people left at all!
I would agree with lizzypopbottle that he does sound depressed and in fact there could be many different reasons for this. Had you considered that he is as disappointed with how the marriage has turned out as you are? You did say that he was totally different to begin with and was a witty and lively companion so when did it change and have you noticed any other things which may be signs of problems? I am thinking particularly of the fact that he was in the military. We have a friend who is retired from the military and he has gone from one wife/partner to another over the years and just cannot seem to settle. It would appear that it is the chase that is the best part of all his relationships and once the lady is won it is all downhill from there. He needs the discipline of an objective and there are many others in this situation which is one reason why military homes for the elderly are so valuable. Perhaps you need to start a military campaign of your own to keep him busy with projects or jobs! It would seem that you don't really talk at present and it might be a really good idea to have a good talk with him and try to get him to his GP.
Once you begin thinking negatively of any situation you will find yourself on the hunt for something worse to cap the last thought. Conversely it will work the other way too in that if you think of things for which you are thankful and give praise for whatever it is you start to feel better and the situation no longer feels as it did.
You are approaching a huge milestone in your own life and retirement is looming large in your thoughts so are you sure that you are not transferring all your concerns from one situation to another? You have so much to think of and it would be a pity to throw everything away.

Smetterling you have my greatest respect!

What do you mean, PensionPat?

Run !Snowdrop. Run! I'm married to the same man. He couldn't wait to be old .... and started when he was 45 ish! He stopped working at 50... and has sat in an armchair watching TVs from then 'til now ....he's 71! He loves to moan! I worked til I was 63... I should never have retired. But I keep busy with my home my grandkids and my friends. He has no friends, no conversation and no interest in anything. He hardly knows his grandkids' names ( which he doesn't approve of) and makes out he can't pronounce them. He's childish , mean, verbally abusive and I dislike him intensely . But unlike you I can't afford to run away ... you can...so go!! Life really is too short!! Go now!

I agree with Soniah - it does sound very much like he may have depression - perhaps retirement wasn't what he thought he would be, it does seem to happen to a lot of men unless they have other commitments such as voluntary work that occupy their time. Would he agree to go and see your GP? Is there a volunteer role he might find interesting and which would mean he would have to smarten up and take of himself again? I see that you have several months to wait before you could afford to move out so it might be useful to try to get him interested in something that would give him regular outside contact. Some couples find that splitting the living accommodation into two separate households works well - could be this be something you could do with your home? It would save you having to sell up and find alternative accommodation. Only you know really what you want to do - I hope it works out well for you, whatever happens you cannot continue as you are if it is making you deeply unhappy.

Here she is again. Reported.

As always I think a chat to a Solicitor is a good idea but you have all these thoughts going round and round in your head isn't about time you sat down and communicated some of this to him. It could be he is depressed in which case something should be done, on the other hand is he much older than you in which case as you mention he may be at a very different place on the aging scale. After a life in the military maybe his idea of heaven is to just walk the dogs and do a few other indoor hobbies, did he maybe spend weeks or months not being able to wash adequately. There is such a lot going on here. Of course if its all so bad you must leave while you have health and strength on your side, I have friends for whom it has worked out well but others have found it a huge struggle. Good luck.

Go and enjoy the rest of your life, life is too short to stay like this.

Go

OP there can be great comfort in helping someone you have loved who sounds as depressed as your DH. I cared for my exDH after our marriage was ended. If you left and he struggled, or got worse, would you want to help him?

You might to help him now, being ex Services, surely a strong schedule drawn up by you, and organising him into it, might help? All those years of Services daily
structure keep self pity etc at bay?

On the other hand, if you are becoming sure, get legal advice, and move nearer AC and DGC?

I have found better to be happy alone than unhappy together.

Good luck.

I have a similar situation and have stayed with my husband. It has been a conscious choice as he was and is a good provider and is a companion of sorts.
Finding out he was gay or bi was the death knell for my feelings as I felt betrayed. I don't actually care now what preference he has as, due to his health issues, we haven't been intimate this century!!
I did tell him that although I was fond of him I was not in love with him. I wanted him to have the choice to walk away if he so wished.
He walks his dogs, spends a lot of time sleeping and is little interested in anything else.
I fill my time seeing family, hobbies etc. I accept that he is now my responsibility and try to ensure he well cared for i.e. diet, not overtaxing himself and making him go to the docs with the health issues that arise.
We are housemates now and as long as it works for both of us it will continue.
So my advice - look into yourself and do what is best for you and what you can live with regret free. Good luck and best wishes

Hi Snowdrop - it seems like you lead very separate lives, the difference being that his is rather insular whereas yours is more sociable. You will go crazy when you retire if you allow yourself to be in his orbit 24/7. By your own admission there is no romantic love and no chance of it being rekindled given that you are in different bedrooms. However, at your age there is plenty of opportunity for you to find that romantic love or even just greater affection and shared intimacies that will make you happier and thus healthier, elsewhere. I can see that he was the voice of financial reason when you married but it seems to me that you have repaid him for that support, and my advice would be to plan your escape so that as soon as you are financially able to, you do leave. I wonder what his response would be if you were to have an affair and to let him know. If he's likely to turn a blind eye to it, than I would take that as the last nail in the coffin and get out.

Have you told him how you feel? Could you be happy in a platonic marriage if he cleaned himself up and went out with you occasionally? My advice would be to decide what you want from your life and then make a plan to achieve it, with or without him. My partner & I have lived together 26 years. There have been good & bad times, we have had issues! and our relationship is now almost that of just friends but I couldn't leave him ( despite being financially independent) as I care about him too much. We rub along ok, no passion to speak of but I'm not that interested in that side of the relationship anymore so it doesn't bother me. He's not one for being away from home too much or socializing really (he used to be) so I've built up a social life with girlfriends and go on holidays with them too. We love our families, have a grandchild who we both adore & take occasional walking holidays together in the uk. It's not perfect but it's good enough. It all depends on what you want from your life but only you can know that. Good luck for your future happiness.

I would leave as well.No point in staying in a loveless marriage.Life on your own is not so bad,you can do as you want when you want.If you feel lonely get yourself a little dog for company.I have and it was the best thing I ever did. All the best xx

I haven't read everyone's posts so if this repeats what someone's already said, I apologise. Not caring about your appearance or personal hygiene and sitting around all day are classic signs of depression. For a man who's had a lengthy career in the military and is now at a loose end, this wouldn't be too surprising. If (OP) you're in two minds about what to do, or if you still have some interest in this man's welfare, maybe it would be worth trying to get him along to his GP. I'm not saying you should stay together but maybe he needs help before you finally pull the plug? In your position, I'd definitely be considering leaving.

W11girl your contribution made me re-read the OP. Frankly I think you are out of order with your nasty comment. Says more about you than the OP.
Snowdrop, I wish you a very fulfilling retirement. You need to get out of the relationship ASAP. Good luck.

Leave. Leave. Leave. If you feel as young as i do (i am 65) you have time to make a new life. I have been married twice and am glad i am not now. Yes, i have met a widower who comes to stay with me at weekends (i too have a post on here with my own dilemmas) but he has been alone for four years and its an ongoing struggle to get him to shower, shave and brush his teeth hence my dragging my heels in fully moving in with him.
The reason i say leave is that i was 60 when i separated from my husband of 25 years and made a new life. We were celibate for 20 years by his choice and when i had a one night stand he couldn't forgive me. I dated men (younger than me as i didnt feel my age) and they rebuilt my confidence enough to face life again. I can now live life on my terms but still have a companion for holidays, days out, eating out etc which was something i missed on my own.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

You will be entitled to 50% of the assets, including the house, irrespective of him having invested more into it than you. You may also be entitled to part of his pension if yours is smaller. The only exception to this (without a pre-nup, and whether or not they are upheld in the UK depends on the view of the judge) is where the marriage has been very short (again, it depends upon the view of the judge).

I stayed in a 2nd marriage for far too long and once I left, I kicked myself for staying for so long. I was mentally abused, tolerated alcohol abuse and he cleaned me out financially etc So although different circumstances to yours, I would say, life is far too short to be unhappy, get out ! You owe it to yourself to be happy, to enjoy your life and to not let anyone hold you back or wear you down. My circle of friends have grown, my 3 adult kids have been tremendous support and I am approaching my retirement happy, financially comfortable and with an exciting bucket list to get thro with no one to hold me back or drag me down.no on what's to be lonely these days with singles groups everywhere for meet ups, holidays, part time jobs for retired people etc The world is your oyster, so grab it with both hands, good luck .......

If you need to ask the question there's a problem. Everyone can tell you to leave, but in the end you need to know yourself.

You wouldn't see me for dust...!!!!!! ?