I've been with my second husband 10 years or so. I married him knowing I didn't love him, but we got on well together and I thought he was what I needed. He was highly intelligent, well educated, loving, interesting and fun. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. He helped me sort my money troubles that my first husband left me and I'll always be grateful for that. He didn't give me money but he instilled in me the ethos that you can't have what you don't have the money for.
Not long in to the marriage I discovered he was using online porn (which I have no issues with), online chat rooms and dating sites. I tackled him and he swore nothing had happened. This recurred over the next few years. It erodes trust gradually, and any marriage needs trust to survive.
I work full time, he took early retirement from the military and was retired when I met him. I am due to be made redundant at the end of this year, I'll be 63 by then so can take my full pension, lump sum and redundancy. Being at home with no purpose to life is anathema to me so I shall find a part time job or do voluntary work.
The mortgage will be paid off when I retire and I have approx 1/3 share in the house - he put in a lot more capital than I.
My husband does nothing with his days other than walk the dogs (unless I'm home, when I do it), a bit of model railway stuff and online gaming. That's it. If I ask he will put the rubbish out, mow the lawn and do local shopping. Oh and Hoover after a fashion if the cleaner doesn't do her weekly 2 hour stint. He does his own ironing because I refuse to do it. I do everything else. He drinks too much, has high blood pressure and sleep apnoea, though isn't very overweight - like many men he needs to lose about a stone which is mostly beer gut.
We sleep in separate rooms, haven't had sex for 4 or 5 years and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether.
He will go from one week to the next without showering or washing his hair, regardless of the weather. I've just rescued a pair of trousers and underpants he's worn for more than a week, possibly nearer two, and put them in the wash. To be blunt, at times he smells. He was going to join the same gym as me but ever since has complained of some ache or another that stops him. He enjoys ill health and is the biggest hypochondriac out. I know that sounds unsympathetic but it wears very thin after a while. I worry that lack of social interaction, stimulation and outside interests as well as incipient health issues are all red flags for dementia.
Do I stay and make the best of a bad job with the man I've described who I don't love? I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me either, but I'm very convenient to have around! Money won't be a problem as he has a very generous pension - and with no mortgage and my less generous pension but a stash of cash we're financially secure.
Do I go? Break out and escape while I can and live the life of an independent single woman that seems so appealing in theory but in practice may be lonely and is daunting. With less money and financial security but no being taken for granted and no endless moaning.
There are other things like the fact he is estranged from his sister (I've never met her), his younger son (they had a final blazing row on holiday, so we now never see his only grandchild), and my son (my husband had a row with him over who my son should invite to his own wedding. The upshot of that is I go and visit my son, and his family, but they don't visit us).
We no longer communicate on more than a fairly basic level, he certainly isn't the man I married, and that's sad. We seem to be aging at vastly different rates and our life force and joie de vivre are on different scales entirely.
He is fairly easy going in that I have my own interests and money and he isn't controlling or cruel. He is very opinionated and assertive as you can probably tell by the number of family members he's rowed with. He's right and everyone else is wrong, may be an age thing - grumpy old man syndrome!
Advice? Thoughts?
Good Morning Saturday 27th April 2024
