What is a marriage?

Believe me there are many out there in the same situation, its not easy to leave just like that, think it over carefully, but OUT would be the best option, if it is possible.Good luck.

As an addition to my comments- I have seen many comments here who say have caution- why?- for what reason ?- this man doesn't give snowdrop respect or a loving relationship. Snowdrop, you don't love him either...please please don't stay in case he needs you even more than he does now! - You dont need sheltered housing at 63!!! Buy or rent....be brave you are NOT old, I am 66, I am NOT old I. It may seem a mountain to climb but there is a bigger mountain to climb with a man like this if you stay. xx

Sorry I just have to join the rest who advise you to leave. I wouldn't normally be so prescriptive but the life you have now and the man you describe sounds dreadful. My sister was in a relationship of sorts- they didn't live together- his choice - for 25years. For various reasons in the end at 63 she let go and is now a changed woman. She has lost weight, has a new Boyfriend and will get married to someone she loves and who treats her with respect. Please after 10 years DO NOT relinquish anything to this man. You are equal partners and regardless of what he put into the house- it is half yours. As others have said - find a good solicitor and do not be battered down, you deserve everything that you are entitled to and more importantly you deserve a life now in which you can be happy. Go for it. Much love you have sacrificed yourself esteem for too long.

SNOWDROP.....
1. Maybe go on holiday on your own for a week or a few days ?
That might help you to see more clearly what you want the rest of your life be. At 63 you may indeed have another 20 years or so.

2. Consider how he would cope if you ended up with a disability or debilitating illness. Would he be willing or able to "look after" you....Did you say your wedding vows and promise "in sickness or in health"

3. If you do decide to split up then I think the idea of an assisted living apartment would be a Good Idea for all the reasons quoted by BLOWN UP DOLLY.
IMO it's best to do that while one is relatively young as the help is there for when one gets older.
Just my thoughts you understand.

I was told by a relative in his 70's that his life started to go downhill health wise when he became 70 !
Of course I didn't believe him then.
But I do now.

None of us really plan for our "proper old age" but I think it's a good idea.

Good Luck to you SNOWDROP whichever road you take.

This is a Brilliant Forum for expressing oneself when one feels the need.

I personally have learned a lot from reading various threads.

So Thank You everyone for your often good and empathetic words.

It's good to learn from one another.

Im 56 and feel the same as you. My 2nd marriage. 6 years in and I'm absolutely fed up. We've slept apart for 2 years. Reading your blog shows me how obvious it is. I need to get out and start again and most certainly you do too. Your son would be supportive i think. This is the difficult bit at the beginning but it seems there are many women (and some men) who are in this predicament. Look ahead in your mind and see how this would be in your future. Well done for being honest with yourself and good luck! x

Some people above have painted a very rosy picture of what "a marriage" should be. All marriages are different.

Snowdrop, what is your gut feeling? If you cast yourself adrift might you go back to feeling how you did when your first marriage ended?

Neither of you is young. If husband became very ill not long after you separated would you be there for him? Or vice versa he for you? Who else is in your support network?

Is there any way of living in different parts of the house some of the time?

I think seeing a solicitor will make the possibility of separation seem real and help you decide one way or another.

Caution!

I feel deeply saddened by your post. I don’t think is as black and white and as simple as "shall I run or stay". I feel saddened by the fact you feel so torn.
My darling husband died two years ago and sometimes the loneliness is too much to bear I worked out yesterday that I have not spoken to another person for 10 days. (I am a teacher off for the summer.) Being alone can be ok but it’s not the easy route.
Having said that my first marriage was loveless. My first husband was abusive and violent. I didn’t stay and would always say run. But you say he is generous, easy going not controlling or cruel. So, he’s not all bad and you clearly have some feelings. He is aggressive opinionated and lazy. He sounds like he could be in a rut or depressed?
If you were saying he is nasty I am at my end I would say run but I sense doubt and so I would say really think this though weigh it up explore every option. Have you spoken to him is he aware how you feel? Is he aware that some of his behaviour is not acceptable? Some times people cant see how others see them and need a kick of reality up their backside. Would he see a doctor, a councillor? could you both see a councillor? Is there a way forward is there anything worth saving? could you have a trial separation a bit of space to work out what you both need and want?
If you decided to go make sure you move somewhere you have support, plan it and make sure you come out of it well.
I am sorry If this isn’t as clear cut advise as just run get on with your life have fun, as I know from experience it isn’t as simple or as easy as that.
I wish you well. Take care.

Life in too short to stay in a marriage like yours, and you are still young enough to make a new start. It seems daunting, but you will be surprised at how everything falls into place once you make the effort. When you are free you never know what is around the corner... it will be a grand adventure! Good luck.

What a sad situation.

He sounds rather controlling to me. Do you feel safe or are you treading on eggshells? If you did end the marriage is he likely to co-operate with the sale of the house? Or will he turn it into a pigsty and be difficult and argumentative. I also think talking with someone at Relate or Women's Aid would be a good idea. Or your GP could recommend a counselor.

He sounds depressed and the alcohol is making it much worse. It's also likely the sleep apnoea is making him lethargic. However, you've reached the end of the road with this one and it's doubtful he's going to change.

You also need to see a solicitor.

Yes, yes, yes! Staying together without love, or even respect, is bad enough, but if he needs care in the future, it will be much worse. I am carer of a husband who admits that 'it's hard to like me', but he can't manage without me, so we're stuck in this situation until one of us dies, and, frankly, the stress of it will probably kill me first! It's hard to be a kind carer of an unpleasant person. It's also quite insulting to be needed only because there's no other option. Go while you can. Sorry - I'm biased!

It sounds like this relationship has run its course. Can't honestly advise you, but if it were me, I'd move on. It sounds a bit like a rebound marriage - my first love was one of two real love matches in my life, but he wasn't free so I married a man I was fond of but didn't love, and it was a total disaster - after 10 years I finslly moved on and married my second soul mate - after 36 years we're still together, still crazy about one another and I have no regrets. Wish you a happier future, but this guy just isn't what you need as a partner - can you stay friends, but get out of the marriage?

Your post was very articulate and, in my opinion, not at all grasping, even if you did originally marry for financial security. It seems that things have gone seriously downhill and that you have reached the end of you tether. Would it help to talk to somebody at Relate? My gut feeling is that you should go and start a new life. Good luck.

W11girl
Blimey that was bitchy something wrong with your life too

Just a thought about where to live. Contact your local council. We managed to get an apartment in a beautiful brand new complex for people over 55. I don't know what area you live, but, these places are often easier to get. We have garden allotments for all residents, large common room with kitchen we can use for parties, get together of just meet up with other residents for coffee and a chat. We also have a warden who is on hand if you need help with anything.
It would be worth looking into as it would be yours for the rest of your life. Rent is cheap, and you would get to keep all the money that is yours so no need for mortgages, high private rents, and best of all, the chance to meet new friends in a community.
I'm in a wheelchair and love it here. I'm the only disabled person though. The rest are very active and sociable people. I hope you would consider it as it sounds to me like a good choice for a new start for you. Best of luck.

You are still young. Be brave and go, go, go.

I would not stay if I were as unhappy as you seem to be. I think the way you feel will just get worse, once love is gone it doesn't come back, and you say you have never really loved him. If you stay you will feel more and more trapped, and therefore more unhappy. Whatever you decide is really up to you, only you can make the final decision. I made that decision a long time ago, and never regretted it. My best wishes to you.xx

I think that even if I loved the man you describe snowdrop I'd not want to stay married to him.

Love is so hard to define, but I think with love comes respect and someone who doesn't maintain their personal hygiene has no respect for themselves or the person they're with. Personally, I feel the same about online porn and date sites but that's just my opinion.

Build a new life for yourself, take with you the positive lessons that your relationship has taught you and wish him well.

Bettyboo I hope that you will be able to find a way to leave your unhappy marriage.

He will irritate the hell out of you when you also retire. Run, you have the money!

Snowdrop, think you should leave while you are still young and able enough to enjoy life, especially if you are retiring. It will take courage and strength but you deserve to be happier than you are now. Like others have said, sounds like your husband is depressed and needs some help. Good luck and let us know what you decide

That's very harsh W11girl and not the impression I get from the OP's post. She hasn't said she is taking him to the cleaner, quite the reverse. Her husband didn't turn out to be the person she thought he was. Happens to a lot of us.

Good luck Snowdrop whatever you decide to do. I married for love but gave up trying to get him to reciprocate after 15 years and just muddled along after that with a child needing 24 hour care and an elderly mother to care for. After 40 years he said he never loved me and left. He has been fair about the money at least and I couldn't be happier to have him gone.

My friend was in an unhappy marriage and left her husband after 20+ years when their son left home. She bought a small flat with her share of the house. She was so happy she did and, as she said when I asked whether she was lonely, said she was lonely in the marriage. If you move out you will most probably see your son and his family more. As somebody said previously, you may have 20 plus years can you really imagine carrying on as you are for another 20 years? As other have said, write a list of pros and cons - I think you'll find one column outweighs the other. Good luck in whatever you decided to do.

Dear Snowdrop, You sound capable of a happy and independent life without your husband so I'd say go for it! I spent 17 years in a marriage thinking I'd 'made my bed etc' and now cannot remember ever being happy with the man. A few years living on my own, at first with DS & DD then both away, I met my partner of today. We laugh and joke our way through every day and I cannot think of any alternative I'd prefer. You have plenty of years ahead to make a new life, and perhaps can see more of your son and his family. Good luck.

You have listed his initial good points.
You say you didn't love him when you married him.
You have stated how downhill he has become.
Perhaps he is lonely and depressed, have you tried getting him to see a doctor?
There are always two sides to every marriage, have you looked at your own flaws.

Your marriage seems to have started on a negative, in that by your own admission, you didn't love him when you wed. It was hardly going to get better from there, was it? From what you've written, I'm surprised you're still there. What's holding you back?...

W11girl. In the first paragraph the OP states that he does not give her money - she lists the reasons he decided to marry him and many people marry for less but then find love grows !

Personally I would not put up with the behaviours and luckily am married to a man (2nd time for both) who thinks the marriage vows are a good idea and something to live by.