The lack of cleanliness would be enough as far as I'm concerned. Go as soon as you can.
Good Morning Saturday 16th May 2026
Unite the Kingdom and Pro Palestine marches Cup 16th May 2026
Gransnet forums
Relationships
What is a marriage?
(109 Posts)I've been with my second husband 10 years or so. I married him knowing I didn't love him, but we got on well together and I thought he was what I needed. He was highly intelligent, well educated, loving, interesting and fun. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. He helped me sort my money troubles that my first husband left me and I'll always be grateful for that. He didn't give me money but he instilled in me the ethos that you can't have what you don't have the money for.
Not long in to the marriage I discovered he was using online porn (which I have no issues with), online chat rooms and dating sites. I tackled him and he swore nothing had happened. This recurred over the next few years. It erodes trust gradually, and any marriage needs trust to survive.
I work full time, he took early retirement from the military and was retired when I met him. I am due to be made redundant at the end of this year, I'll be 63 by then so can take my full pension, lump sum and redundancy. Being at home with no purpose to life is anathema to me so I shall find a part time job or do voluntary work.
The mortgage will be paid off when I retire and I have approx 1/3 share in the house - he put in a lot more capital than I.
My husband does nothing with his days other than walk the dogs (unless I'm home, when I do it), a bit of model railway stuff and online gaming. That's it. If I ask he will put the rubbish out, mow the lawn and do local shopping. Oh and Hoover after a fashion if the cleaner doesn't do her weekly 2 hour stint. He does his own ironing because I refuse to do it. I do everything else. He drinks too much, has high blood pressure and sleep apnoea, though isn't very overweight - like many men he needs to lose about a stone which is mostly beer gut.
We sleep in separate rooms, haven't had sex for 4 or 5 years and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether.
He will go from one week to the next without showering or washing his hair, regardless of the weather. I've just rescued a pair of trousers and underpants he's worn for more than a week, possibly nearer two, and put them in the wash. To be blunt, at times he smells. He was going to join the same gym as me but ever since has complained of some ache or another that stops him. He enjoys ill health and is the biggest hypochondriac out. I know that sounds unsympathetic but it wears very thin after a while. I worry that lack of social interaction, stimulation and outside interests as well as incipient health issues are all red flags for dementia.
Do I stay and make the best of a bad job with the man I've described who I don't love? I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me either, but I'm very convenient to have around! Money won't be a problem as he has a very generous pension - and with no mortgage and my less generous pension but a stash of cash we're financially secure.
Do I go? Break out and escape while I can and live the life of an independent single woman that seems so appealing in theory but in practice may be lonely and is daunting. With less money and financial security but no being taken for granted and no endless moaning.
There are other things like the fact he is estranged from his sister (I've never met her), his younger son (they had a final blazing row on holiday, so we now never see his only grandchild), and my son (my husband had a row with him over who my son should invite to his own wedding. The upshot of that is I go and visit my son, and his family, but they don't visit us).
We no longer communicate on more than a fairly basic level, he certainly isn't the man I married, and that's sad. We seem to be aging at vastly different rates and our life force and joie de vivre are on different scales entirely.
He is fairly easy going in that I have my own interests and money and he isn't controlling or cruel. He is very opinionated and assertive as you can probably tell by the number of family members he's rowed with. He's right and everyone else is wrong, may be an age thing - grumpy old man syndrome!
Advice? Thoughts?
Leave while you have a choice the scariest step is the first you sound like you are a decent hard working lady you still have time to make a happy future for yourself I left my marriage after 27years I was 55 in a low paid job however I am so much more at peace with myself and feel relaxed and happy I do get lonely but not as miserable and lonely as i was in my marriage
So in effect you married him for money! Was he aware of this. And now you are going to disrupt his life as well as your own because of your desire to leave. If you loved him you would get work through his "faults" with him, but hey, you've got what you wanted from the marriage ....financial security. Truth be known many husbands are guilty of most of the behaviours you say your husband has.
The sad part of it is that you will gain from the separation as he will lose a lot more financially than you will. Does he know you are thinking of leaving...probably not! You asked for an opinion, here it is.
Snowdrop, what leaps out at me is 'he drinks too much'. That usually only gets worse and if he becomes sick I have the feeling you might stay around out of a sense of loyalty and kindness. Think on.......... Not at all an easy time for you but you've had some really thought provoking and constructive suggestions here from people more practical and knowledgeable than me. Good luck.
I live on my own and definitely prefer it to being in a bad relationship (which this level of irritation would be for me). There are definitely lonely times but you may be able to stay friends with him and you are likely to see more of your son if he can also visit you. You are finding it difficult when you are out of the house all day, it will not get easier when you are together more.
You have nothing to lose by seeing a solicitor sooner rather than later. Giving up work is a big change and I think it is good to have a big project to do when you first leave work rather than suddenly having a lot of time on your hands. Finding your own place, setting up your new life, will probably be exciting once you have crossed the decision making hurdle.
It sounds as if you would be lonelier in the relationship than out of it. If you don't have common interests and won't have things to look forward to together it is likely to be restricting rather than freeing. Sometimes you have to create a vacuum and then fill it. That is the way to a more fulfilling life doing things that you enjoy.
Good luck but it seems that you have decided on everything but the how.
Dear Snowdeop, was married for forty four years, didn't love him at the end and now four years later am just finding the woman l was meant to be. It will be hard for you, but you need to go, leave, find yourself because you deserve it. You will feel guilt but above all you will feel relief, you know you can make a new life and put yourself at the centre of it.
Hope things work out, remember this is NOT A DRESS REHERSAL. ❤️
You didn't marry for the right reasons and no amount of trying to justify it to yourself will make it what you want sadly.
People rarely change - so if you don't like what you got from your bargain you should leave - do both of you a favour because as sure as eggs are eggs -if you're not happy neither is he.
Good luck.
Run for the hills and regain a quality of life for yourself
Leave and enjoy the rest of your life the way you want it to be...x
Sounds as if he might have depression, could you get him to visit the Doctor? From your point of view you are still young, too young to waste the next 20 or more years of your life, get out.
If you leave him will you sever all ties? Or will you, as I have seen so many friends do, end up with him as an ex who still occupies lots of your life? Will you miss him?
There are no easy answers to this one, only you know your feelings. It would be unfortunate to give up the potential benefits of being his widow if you still had him as a daily visitor..........he doesn't sound well to me, if he were depressed and able to do something about it, would you stay?
Apologies for sounding so mercenary but a friend divorced her husband, and the legal costs and moving etc were quite high in comparison to their joint assets......he died a couple of years later and left everything to a charity.
I hope you can see your way to a happy future and him too of course.
If I were you, I'd leave. The chat rooms & ensuing lack of trust would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. You sound lovely and with your independence and future voluntary or part-time work I'm sure you will lead a happier, more fulfilling life without him. Best of luck x
I wholeheartedly agree. Go before you become his carer as well as his lifestyle will get him soon and then you will be totally trapped as you will feel guilty. Go. You deserve a life . Good luck . There's help for over 60s getting properties and things so do it while you can . Xxxx
Hi there
I'd say go if you can if you have enough money to rent or buy a house go as fast as you can nd look for meet ups in your area if you want to meet up people . I'm stuck wit my dh as I don't have the money to go but I'd go if I could . Why stay it's your life don't let him drag you down as mine is doing to me RUN
Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read my post and to respond.
Liz46 that's an excellent idea about the solicitor, and something I will do - thank you. Yes, the house would have to be sold. One thing that has occurred to me is that he may be entitled to a share in my cash assets (redundancy and lump sum) though not pension as his is twice the amount mine will be. Again a solicitor will know.
Fairydoll2030 that's very much worth knowing, thank you, and something I will raise with the solicitor - it certainly puts things in to a slightly different perspective!
I have weighed up the pros and cons - endlessly it seems. All of your comments have helped in that process.
In answer to all of you who have asked why am I waiting? Practicality I'm afraid. Until the mortgage is paid off I cannot afford to move out and rent somewhere whilst the marital home is sold (rent + mortgage = £££££) so I have to wait to the end of the year when things will be different.
Is there affection? Good question. Like brother and sister is the nearest answer I can give.
Menopaws (great name!) thank you for your honest response. I agree 100% with you as to what a marriage should be and this isn't, it's exactly as you describe so no apology needed.
Bobbysgirl19 I know why I married him - at least I do now, with 20/20 hindsight, I was in a mess from my first marriage (emotionally and financially) and he offered me security - chiefly financial. Perhaps I should also ask myself why he married me!
I agree with grannyknot, run as fast as you can. You deserve better. Start a new life, never to late
The answer is in your question really. Go, now, and get a life of your own on your terms! Good luck x
Wouldn't work for me. You say you're not bothered about on line porn etc. Maybe it's me, but that is not the type of person I would share my life with or want in my grandchildrens life. If that makes me old fashioned so be it. I am broad minded but there are limits, I realise how lucky I have been, would honestly prefer to be alone than with him.
Snowdrop, why did you marry him in the first place, when you say you didn't love him. Read your original post through. I think you will find the answer, as you have articulated it very well. Just my opinion which you say you are seeking.
Just to add.... If you divorce, the fact that you only put 1/3rd into the house will make no difference to your financial settlement. You have been married ten years and, in the eyes of the law, you would normally be entitled to 50% of the marital assets. You may or may not wish to pursue this - but it is your entitlement.
Your question was. Is this a marriage? No it is not. A marriage should be a lovely shared experience over many years of your life where love and laughter come easily with joyous familiarity. Not always easy and changes can happen , good and bad, but a good marriage is a lovely thing. You admit you don't love each other so this is just a convenient type of loose partnership where you look after him and not yourself. You sound strong enough to make a change, don't waste time being fed up snowdrop, all the best. Sorry if I'm outspoken here but I have my reasons
I agree with Menopaws , why are you waiting? I stayed in a loveless marriage for 10 years, mainly because I was afraid to leave. But then an opportunity came up for me to rent a small house that, if I was very careful, I could just afford. 15 years later, I have a good career; my own mortgage free house; a car and a very busy social life and the freedom to do what I want, when I want. The only regret I have is that I waited so long, simply because of fear of the unknown. Don't wait too long Snowdrop, life is too short to be unnecessarily unhappy.
My first thought would be is this man one who would be there through thick and thin? Supportive if you had a health need? I'm sure you would be. Having family sure helps but a supportive spouse is priceless. If he wouldn't be then I definitely would put my happiness first.
What is the worst that can happen? You are on your own, have to make own decisions, maybe move.
What's the best? You are on your own, have to make your own decisions, maybe move....into a house of your choice where you want, choose to do Vol work, meet new people, stop being taken for granted, doing someone else's washing, have meaningful conversations with other people, learn to smile again and reunite with your family. You have many more good years to please yourself...why are you waiting.??
Definitely better to be alone and happy, than miserable within a marriage (as per Christinefrance). And it's not really a marriage as it should be.
Just one point, you said you'd only be entitled to 1/3 of the value of the house. Why would it not be 50/50.
Anyways..... if you're miserable, why would you stay.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »