What is a marriage?

Good luck Snowdrop and every good wish for your future.

It is good to hear you have discussed your feelings with your husband and intend to do so again. Stress the need for him to see a doctor, as you feel he may have physical and/or mental health problems.

Many men do need help making a new life for themselves after retirement. My thoughts are could the British Legion help him in any way. They have many ways of supporting ex service personnel.

Re his falling out with family members, we can become very entrenched in positions and it is difficult to back down and people don't know how to do it and are scared of loosing face.

The stay or go is in your hands and only you know what is right for you. But by doing everything you feel you can to help your husband change will make leaving easier,

Re WWIIgirl's comments, I think other people would have been thinking the same on reading Snowdeops post and she said what was really "the elephant in the room." Others have put a different perspective giving Balance. We must respect other People's opinion and not discourage people saying how they see the situation as this gives the whole picture which in the end is often more helpful to the OP

This man has no respect for you, in my mind using porn is no better than visiting willing ladies. See a solicitor, you may well find you will be better off financially than you thought. I would stay where you are until you can afford to leave but make it plain you are no together anymore, so own washing etc. And lead your own life. Good luck. Last thing, holiday idea on own sounded a great idea.

Snowdrop I am so pleased that you are going to give him a chance to make changes. Sometimes people haven't a clue that their behaviour is not acceptable or that their standards have slipped and need a very firm nudge if not a good push!
Hope you will keep us updated on how you both get on and wishing you all the very best.

I have been quite overwhelmed by the almost exclusively positive messages of support and advice. I have also been hugely heartened by the number of people who have been through a similar situation and shared how they dealt with it - whether they stayed or not.

I will definitely make an appointment with a solicitor to be sure of the facts. I will also have a conversation with my husband - or to be more accurate another conversation, he already knows that I'm not happy. I will express my concerns about his hygiene, laziness and isolation - and give him the opportunity to make changes.

To the few of you who have commented that the topic of my post seems familiar, I'm not quite sure of the implication behind what you're saying whether it's plagiarism or repetition? I can assure you it's neither, there are a number of women on GN who have the same or similar problems to those I have shared - some have been good enough to send me a private message and I will respond directly to them.

Lastly,there have been far too many comments to mention you individually, but you really are a lovely lot here on GN and your support, comments and advice have gone a long way to helping me. So thank you all of you, I really to appreciate it xx

I read the Gransnet article about husbands and retirement and was amazed at what some who commented put up with. I could describe my husband as having become cantankerous and argumentative, he showers regularly but I always have to point out that he has a forest growing out of his nose, often with things hanging from it! He spends his life in an array of polo shirts and old trousers, opens all the windows in the house and turns down the central heating, is disgustingly healthy but unsympathetic when I am ill. I try to be tolerant and am a lot of the time but there must be some glue that keeps you together and perhaps that is something intuitive that only those involved know.
Snowdrop I feel for you and your situation, some of which I recognise, I also recognise how difficult it can be to decide to run as others have advised. On the sharing of assets matter, I have a friend who owned her own house and married a man with no assets. The marriage collapsed within a year and he walked away with half the value of the house leaving her having to go into rental, it seemed very unfair but the law shares assets out equally when you're married. Wishing you all the best.

It's horrible for you to be so torn and I hope that you will be able to reach a right decision for you and have more peace of mind. I am often dissatisfied in my second marriage and sometimes think of leaving but hesitate, remembering how lonely it was when I ended my first marriage. Yesterday I read a long Gransnet article about husbands and retirement with lots of comments by gransnetters. It seems that other womens' husbands do the same kind of stuff as my husband. We had a big row recently because he wanted to go out with me in dirty clothes and without his usual shower but I stuck to my guns. He has good points though and I have resolved to be more positive and tolerant. It's early days but I feel better just knowing that it's pretty normal for lots of older men to be odd and objectionable. Being more tolerant is already bearing fruit. Having said that, I do hope that you will be happy if you decide to leave. I just don't think it works for everyone because we take ourselves with us.

Go and live your own life...! But be realistic. you will have ups and downs after the initial feeling of freedom fades, but this is natural..and you will see it through and come out much happier.

I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years, and it is all heading the same way, you have given me the wake up call I need. We do not live together (thank goodness), but his illnesses and need for constant sleep are driving me mad. He is always at the doctor complaining of one thing or another and feeds from my positive energy...there is nothing wrong with him, and I cannot do this any longer either.

Please enjoy your life and retirement, and time with your son and family..we can be lonely withing a relationship ot without it. Think about what you want out of life and go get it :-) x

He sounds disgusting to be frank , why would you stay ? You are young enough to make a new life , there is so much to do these days with various clubs and volunteer work there really is no need to be lonely ! I have been on my own for 10 years and it was the best thing I ever did . Don`t waste any more time and get out now xx

Either it is a more common predicament than some of us had imagined, BlueBelle or you have a very valid point.

I would just add that if a person does marry for financial security and by admission "without love" perhaps it was unreasonable to expect more.
Why should the man do more than walk the dogs, play with his train sets and on his computer? As money is no object, a cleaner/gardener can surely deal with the domestic stuff.
The issues with his family are essentially his business and I don't understand why they play such a part in OP's dissatisfaction.

If you don't like the marriage you have taken on, get out.

Snowdrop you already know the answer to your question, I can't understand why you are still there. If it's this bad now, what is it going to be like after you retire? Get out as soon as you can.

Without happiness, we have nothing. You have a tough decision to make. The consensus above says 'run'. But also be aware, that without a partner, it can be pretty lonely out there. Above all, you must choose what you feel is right for you. Be lucky

What advice would you give to a friend who told you this, you know the answer.

It does ring a bell , sorry , for the pun lol

Why is this story sounding so familiar to me ? I m sure I ve commented on one written before yesterday It was the smelliness that I commented on but I don't recognise the poster as Snowdrop

That's a fairly drastic solution Magicbubble but if it works for you good luck.

Silly question Snowdrop but have you actually spoken to him about his behaviour, as luluaugust suggested? Perhaps he is as unhappy with the current situation as you are? His personality seems to have taken a dip since you first came together and it is obvious that he has fallen out with a lot of people, there could be some problem behind it all.
Many of the posters here say to leave him, some women are very happy living independently but some are not. Only you can know if you would prefer it.

I am in a marriage where there is no intimacy but I don't want to leave - mostly because of the upset to the children and grandchildren, but also the upheaval of a divorce and the financial consequences

A few years ago I decided to find a secret lover and have an affair. We meet during the day nearly once a week and have lovely chats, kisses and cuddles - and a lot more !

There is a wonderful joy of having someone who cares for me, pays attention and stimulates me in so many ways

I used an online dating site called "illicit encounters" to find my lover. Once you eliminate the toy-boys and the "chancers" you can find someone who is reasonably well matched and looking for similar things to you.

During the online chat phase I asked them to describe what our second date would be like, which gave me some surprising answers. I made a short list of 5 and arranged to meet each of them them - separately - in a safe public place before selecting one.

I had a short affair with the first and have then had a most wonderful time with the same lover for nearly 3 years

I made a concious decision to never rock the boat at home, and we have become better friends. I think that this is mostly because I could let the nonsense at home flow over me as I have always had the warm feeling inside me that I would soon be meeting my lover again

Worth a thought ?

Lulu that is very generous. I feel better now you've posted. X

pensionpat no prob, couldn't think what I had done.... I can be a bit of an old witch sometimes!!

Oh no!!! I've read that post again. Properly. I have misjudged LuluAugust badly. Her name is very like a dodgy poster. My abject apologies to Lulu. I shall contact HO to apologise too. Is there an emoticon for "hangs head in shame"

Sorry to everyone???

In fairness and defence of W11girl, Snowdrop did state in a later post (i.e. Not her OP) that she married this man although she did not love him because he gave her financial and emotional support. Due to that, I think W11girl's comment is valid, albeit perhaps put in stronger terms than I might use.

It's worth noting that Military Men have for years been drilled in, and drilled others in, cleanliness, clothing washed and ironed to within an inch of itself and shoes shined so that you can see your face in them. This usually stays with them for life. As others have said, he may be suffering from clinical depression. Becoming withdrawn, lacking interest in things and lack of 'self care' (washing, changing clothes etc) are symptoms of that. Perhaps, like many people, he felt a tremendous loss when he retired. Did he then realise that you don't love him, or did he already know that. Remember, just as his behaviour and attitude effects you Snowdrop, yours will equally effect him. If you want the marriage to be over, then it's right for you to leave, but after 10-years, maybe you owe him support, badgering (whatever it takes) to get him to a doctor and look into what help he might need if any, before you go. If you have never loved him, you are unlikely to start now, so counselling will probably only allow you both to understand the relationship, yourselves and each other better, and maybe make the break more amicable.

Oops. Not Bells obviously. Sorry BellaT2.

Bells. It's yet another post from Luluaugust. There have been several from her and another poster, selling Spells. I've reported about 4.

I can't add more to what has been said except to say if he retired from the military & was involved in active service, even a long time ago, it might be worth seeking advice from Combat Stress. His behaviours show many signs of entrenched PTSD. Often they will not make the first move themselves but you can ask advice. If you leave you can then feel you've done something to help his future. Good luck & future happiness for both of you. Leaving may improve his happiness too.