The lost friendship

glenfinnan Please read my other responses regarding this - you have got it all so wrong. I did NOT return the gift of pajamas.

judylow No, you are quite wrong in your assumption - here is part of a reply which I sent last year to another gransnet-er, where you will see the true picture:-

""In fact, everyone else has totally mis-read what I put ... I did not, in fact, return the pajamas ... I only asked her if I should, to which she actually texted me thus: "Just take them back to any shop and get a bottle of Gin instead" - to which I replied "But I have no idea where you bought them ... how can I take them back? It's a long way to Colchester!!!" When I then suggested returning them to her, she texted me "OK" - and that was it. That was her last contact with me.
I have actually put the series of text messages on "save" on my mobile phone, they are still there - I will never delete them because this gives me some comfort in that I DID treat the situation with great kindness, and I hope one day we might be in touch again, and I can reassure her that I love her, and would never do ANYTHING to hurt her feelings. We had much more than an "ordinary" friendship - my husband too frequently sent her some money at Christmas-times etc. and he often paid for her Flights to our mobile-home in France. She was part of our family - that is yet another reason why we are BOTH so very hurt and upset. My husband did actually manage to get her to answer her phone one day, back in late August - and all she would say was "Maybe I did over-react ...!" that was all he could elicit from her."

That sets the record straight for everyone on here - read and learn!! I never did anything to deserve the way she treated me.

nuttyasfruitcakenan I am definitely not lonely, as we are still working full-time at our Accountancy Practice, even though I am 78 next week - I have loads of wonderful friends and our Clients are in and out of our house every day - they are more than just clients - they are also like family.

Cheney, good for you. You apologised, nothing more you can do. Move on and be happy.

Yes having a gift that you chose returned would be extremely hurtful, especially as you say she did not have as much money as you. You know how you felt about the bouquet. I would I think have a final go at repairing your friendship by writing a note apologing for your actions and saying it was wrong but not meant to cause offence. Say that because of your ages and valuable past friendship you don't want to waste any opportunity to get together again. I think that to
get peace of mind you will have to 'eat humble pie' and take the major part of blame for the misunderstanding but it will be worth it if you can achieve a reconciliation. Tell her honestly how must you have missed her.

I can see why your friend was hurt when you returned her gift (hope I've got this right) but it's well worth trying to contact her again if you are prepared for another rejection. My best friend and I have known each other for ever 60 years but there was a time shortly after I married when she cut herself off from me. We had no contact for a couple of years when suddenly I received a card to say that she and her husband had adopted a baby. I got in touch and we met up again and have been as close as ever. I never knew what had gone wrong between us and she can't remember! Good luck ?.

What's the worst that can happen if you contact her one more time? She won't respond, and you'll know the friendship is over (unless she turns up years later like Smileless' friend).

But maybe she'll be glad to hear from you and will want to resume the relationship. Worth a shot? Only you can decide.

I think it is though, so I'm with those who say to go for it. Like Jaycee, I think it should just be a short message - hello, apology, "miss you" and ask how she is. Don't even mention maybe getting together again yet. See if/how she responds first.

If she doesn't, put it behind you - maybe grieve the lost friendship for a while first, but then, let it go and move on.

so sad to hear your story - particularly gransnetters response . I really think that you need to put as much of this behind you . You do not deserve to be treated like that and she is the loser in the long run .
It seems to me that your quite lonely so maybe try and find something locally to do like volunteering in a charity shop to try and make new friends and not have so much time to think about her resonse . I know that's easier said than done

Thank you so much for your response. I so often wish I knew what had happened. Very good luck to you. Please do believe you will come through.

Very good post Anya

cheneslieges good that GN has helped you.

Final comment to all you lovely people who have written good comments for me ... especially to Ramblingrose22 - you're obviously on the same wavelength as I am, and being a Leo makes this very pertinent. Thank you a lot.XX

To Coco51 Luckylegs9 Anya Palliser65 and grannygranby and many more too much to mention, I am very grateful to you.

Thank you all. But I am going to take Ramblingrose22 's advice ... and this comment by her is very valid: "I decided not to demean myself further by pursuing it or begging her to forgive me" - also I like this bit " I still regard her cutting me off as completely disproportionate to the "crime".

I suspect your action of returning the pyjamas she sent you a last straw. And it's sad for both of you. Life is difficult. I think your only hope is to beg for her forgiveness on the grounds of your thoughtlessness. It is very hard to be in a close relationship when you don't feel equal in giving and receiving. I can imagine that being the last straw. Good luck.
I had a Leo mum who was so generous but could only give and not receive, and a best friend (I hoped) who somehow often made me feel like the poor relation so I can empathise with your friend. But don't think for a moment that what she wanted over everything was the presents....as lovely as they might be ...but to feel equal. To be the recipient and to be grateful is wonderful but not forever. I think you have to really understand what you might be sorry for. You have a husband for support too, is she alone? And I do hope this isn't hurtful because I can't see the point of going on the forum without getting a big hug. So good luck again and a big hug.

I know what you mean about those judgemental comments some people feel entitled to make. I vowed never to post a problem again after it was apaprent a few people had no concept of sensitivity and understanding. I can tell you are very hurt and sad. You've been grieving. Please look at that grieving process model and see where you are. Acceptance will come to you eventually. Your denial that this friendship is over is obvious. Honestly this will always be there and can you trust her again? Please get some help for your grief before it turns to anger or depression. You sound a great friend to me.

Your ex friend seems adamant that she does not want anything to do with you, it's sad but you will have to accept her decision. Even if you had both decided not to give any more gifts to each other, perhaps sending one back was not the best thing to do. I would send her a letter, perhaps saying how much you miss her friendship, then wait and see if she replies. You might have to accept the fact that the friendship is over.

I too remember the original post and the variety of replies some of whom were suggesting you look at it from the other persons point of view. It can be upsetting for some people when you don't get wholehearted support from other posters, while one person might learn and understand by listening to a different perspective another might find it unhelpful and hurtful.

I'd say the friendship has run its course. Perhaps she doesn't need you in the same way she once did now that she has her family close by. It could be that what you experienced was the real her, and it is possible she had been harbouring feelings towards you that she had kept hidden for years.

On the other hand perhaps life wasn't all rosy, things weren't working out being so close to family and she was regretting her move. Perhaps you caught her at a bad moment.

Think very carefully before you make a move. If it means a lot to you, and you are prepare for a knock back, then perhaps a brief note saying you were thinking of her the other day and you hope she's happy in her new life. Invite her to give you a ring if she feels up to it. Keep it brief, light and to the point.

Do let us know what you decide to do.

You sound a very caring and kind friend, sorry that people upset you. It obviously still means a lot to you, so maybe one last try might be in order, keeping the door open if she ever wants to re establish contact. Unfortunately, life and circumstances can interfere with even long friendships, letting go is hard. It looks from an outside perspective that maybe your friend might be suffering from some sort of early dementia. You can do no more. Try not to let it get to you anymore, you can not alter things, you have tried everything and you owe it to yourself and husband to put this to rest after a last try. My best wishes to you for the future.?

Give it one more go - write a letter saying how upset you are and how you miss such a valued friendship. If she doesn't respond, or responds negatively, then I think you will probably have to accept that nothing further can be done.

Although I vaguely recall your original post, I can't remember the details. If you told her not to send presents it's possible that she felt hurt and humiliated because, given the generosity you have shown her, it was perhaps her one opportunity to give something back. It may have felt like a rejection of her or her taste.

I am sorry that some of the responses to your original post were upsetting. I don't think the majority of people mean to be hurtful.

Dear Chenesleiges.
I had a what I thought was a good mate, this is many years ago now, we had so much in common, even the same first name. She came round my house one day giving me a sob story of not having any money, unhappy marriage, and from memory a pending hospital visit. I gave her a £20 note and insisted I didn't want it back, this was just to help her out at the time. Not a lot but something, I thought. Then no contact. Weeks went by, I rang her, left messages, emailed, then out if desperation I wrote her a letter, basically asking her if she was ok. I had an awful letter back, saying I was treating her like a mother hen and to leave her alone, that I should know what it's like to have problems. I did just that, never heard from her again. I was gutted but didn't reply to her horrible letter. End of friendship.
Plenty more fish in the sea. Take care, try once more, then leave her alone. X

Am I odd to find that posters who freely admit to having not read the whole text of this post feel free to post advice already posted and ask questions also too answered?

Isn't it odd how we see things differently. You see an ingrate Coco and I see someone who just for once wanted to do something for her friend and had it thrown back in her face, who was dreadfully hurt by someone that she thought was her friend. Ah well, we'll never know the truth of it.

I would write to your friend saying how much you miss her. Perhaps a card with I 'Miss You, please forgive me' in very large letters, so it is the first thing she sees as she opens the envelope (even if you don't feel it was your fault) and put a letter inside to explain where you think things went wrong. I would also be tempted to employ a little subterfuge in addressing the envelope so that she doesn't recognise your handwriting and rip it all up without seeing the 'Miss You' message. You have been very generous over the years and I wonder if the affection you felt for your friend was not reciprocated for the right reasons? There is no doubt at all that you have provided your friend with luxuries over and beyond the call of friendship and in your place I would feel equally bereft. But if she does not reply I think you will have to accept that she is a ingrate who has abused your friendship.

Never say never. I have renewed a friendship from almost 50 years ago ( best friends at school). Can't remember why we fell out. Now back to great times together. Worth a try, you have nothing to lose.

I really think there has to be an explicit acknowledgement of the hurt caused before her friend can even begin to move towards a reconciliation. That's probably why the flowers were rejected. They didn't actually say "I got it wrong and aIm sorry"
I haven't read the original thread. This is probably old ground.

What harm could a handwritten note simply saying 'I really miss your friendship' do? And maybe include your email address in small lettering somewhere on the page.

I didn't ever read the first post so I don't entirely understand the situation but if someone choses to move 300 miles away to end their days near to their family then surely they are never going to be so close to the neighbour they left behind no matter how many expensive gifts they were given in the past. I'm sure there are also younger members of her family who can also look things up on the internet for her if need be. I also don't understand why a gift was returned because if someone did that to me it would be the last time I bought them anything.

Perhaps her daughter could be contacted to find out the real reason you have been side-lined in this friendship.