The lost friendship

Oh dear I am sorry the response from GN only made things worse.
Are there any mutual friends/acquaintances who could tell you how she is? I seem to remember suggestions that your friend might have been showing symptoms of dementia or perhaps there was some other crisis in her life?
If you try to get in touch are you prepared to be hurt again? Only you can know that.
Good luck

I can only say how sorry I am for the way you are feeling.
Personally I would have one last attempt to contact your friend, explain how much you miss her and how precious your friendship was to you.
If you are rebuffed again you must put it behind you knowing you have done all you can.
If she is lapsing into dementia, things can never be the same , she will be a different person to the one you knew and loved.
Say goodbye to her in your own way and do not let this spoil the rest of your life.

Thank you MawBroon. You are kind to take the time to comment, which is so much nicer than what happened to me last year.

Thank you annsixty. I am so fearful of trying again.

I think annsixty's advice is spot on

It is possible that her change is down to the onset of dementia.
My mum and her neighbour had been good friends for 50 yrs. When mum was widowed M would pop round for coffee etc. One day I met M in town and she told me she was hurt that mum had stopped her coming round and was behaving like a stranger. A few weeks later mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia.

I'm sorry you are so hurt.

I'm sorry that because of responses you received the last time you posted you've not wanted to post again cheneslieges but pleased that you've had the courage to do so.

I too have a friendship much like the one you've described; to one another we are the sisters neither of us ever had.

My dear friend, due to marriage problems moved away and after several months stopped contacting me. She'd moved from the address I had for her so I was unable to find out why.

About 15 years ago, after 10 years of silence she 'phoned me just before Christmas. I knew immediately who was on the other end of the 'phone the moment I heard her voice which was shaking with emotion.

The call was brief, she said she understood that I'd be taken by complete surprise and may not want to talk so gave me her number so I could ring back if I wanted too.

I made myself a rather large G&T (it was only about 3 in the afternoon) then called her back. I told her the only reason I was calling was to ask her why. We spoke for some time and arranged for her to come and visit the following February.

Typing this has re awakened the emotion when she arrived on our doorstep, the sheer joy of seeing her again. We stayed up until the early hours talking of what had happened and have never spoken of it since.

When Mr. S. got home from work on the day of that call I was playing Simply Red, the music she and I had loved. He said "she 'phoned then" and it turned out that she'd 'phoned him first at work to ask whether or not I'd want to hear from her again. He'd told her he had no idea and the only way she's know was of she called.

I know this is different to your situation as although you were the one who was cut off, you're the one thinking about making contact.

All I can say is go for it, you really have nothing to lose and so much to gain if she's willing to put the past behind her and reconnect with the friend she's lost.

Our friendship continues to be a blessing for us both. Last year she came to visit and we went to see Simply Red in concert. It was very emotional sitting there with our arms around one another. Mr. S. came too and said the best thing about the evening was seeing us together.

I hope if you do contact her it goes well but if not you tried and that's all any of us can do. Good luck.

Please just give it just one more try but prepare yourself for your friend not to want to take it any further as it does sound between the lines she could possibly be suffering from dementia of some sort.
Its such a shame that all your years of friendship are suffering but one last try maybe by your hubby could help or does your friend any other friends or relatives (her daughter) who could pose the question for you

Thank you so much Smileless2012. You have given me a lot to think about. I still cannot believe this ever happened - it is the total mystery of her actions which is killing me. My tears are flowing all the time I respond to comments here - it meant the world to me.

Yes maybe try once more. Don't be too hopeful! But u will know u tried. And if nothing comes of it just try to remember those good times and forgive her for whatever she is going through.

You're welcome cheneslieges.

I am sorry that you are still sad about this. I have just reread your post of last year (7 pages of it) and the overwhelming consensus was that you returning the gift of the pyjamas to her so that she could get a refund was the reason for her ending the friendship. I agree that there were some harsh replies but stating that you had made an itinerary of the 40 expensive gifts you had given her did not sit comfortably with many GNs. You have nothing to lose by trying to contact your friend again but don't get your hopes too high. Good luck.

I do remember your thread on this subject chenlieges I think various posters hadn't understood the full picture.
Keep trying with Gransnet, as most posters will offer friendly support.?
My feeling on your problem is that there is likely nothing more that you can do, but as others have said,nothing wrong with trying one last time, by letter perhaps, to your friend.

Please don't take this as a hurtful comment. It truly isnt meant to be but just to explain how she might feel. I had a friend who lived to give but found it difficult to receive graciously. When she came for coffee she always brought a cake or biscuit, when I went to hers she always provided the cake. So one day I took some scones I had baked to hers. She put the lid back on the box, said "You can take those home" and brought out her own biscuits. I can't tell you how hurtful that was and how the rejection of my scones made me feel. Silly I know but it really, really hurt.
Maybe if you could acknowledge to your friend that your returning of her gift might have hurt her deeply and say how sorry you are, it could be a new starting point for your friendship?

I am really sorry to hear that you had to go through all that and then having to deal with a lot of the negativity from GN.
Sometimes people can be outspoken without realising just how hurtful it is as not everyone is strong and tough.

I would have given my right arm to have had a lovely friend like you throughout my life and would have been eternally grateful to you for your wonderful friendship.

I feel for your situation as I too had a friend who was like a younger sister to me or so I thought.

Unfortunately the friendship ended after 30years when things had taken a big turn in her life after I managed to secure her a job at a company that I had connections with through my own job at that time.

2years later and after being in work full time for more than 30years. I would be forced to stop work because of serious health problems and would have to claim benefits.

I had lost my upper Management well paid job in the Textile Industry where I had been for nearly 20years. I also had to sell my home and move into rented accommodation.

She cut off contact and refused to speak to me. I was totally confused as I was still in contact with her brother and sisters. They tried to intervene but to no avail and were disgusted by her behaviour towards me.

To cut a very long story short finally she said that she found it really difficult because I was no longer able to keep up with her and her new group of friends and that she no longer needed me in her life and said not to contact her again.

It took me a very long time to get over the loss and hurt but eventually I came to accept that her life had taken a different direction and that also the relationship was very much one sided and I did a lot of giving and she did the taking.

I am lucky though to have 3 friends who I have got to know since I have had to retire and they accept me for who I am wheelchair and all!!

I hope all goes well for you cheneslieges when you take the step of contacting her again.

Some friendships do fizzle out and new ones are made but give it another go you are upset anyway . I hope all turns out well for you if not try and put it behind you and focus on the future . Hope you feel Gnetters have been more unde standing this time round .

I am going through the same thing, a very good 'friend ' who today has sent me a poisonous vitriolic email. I have absolutely no idea why and have been warned not to contact her ever

That's terrible grannylyn, what a horrible thing to do to anyone let alone a friend.

My goodness I am so saddened by all these lovely sounding people who have been shat on by people that were true friends, I have been through the same with a lifelong friend who dropped me after she had cancer and I was there in some form every day and have had no touch for over four years, I too cried and dreamed of such a treasured friendship and I have to say I do not trust friendships any more. I, like all you, honestly know I was a good friend and the complete lack of understanding I have for the situation never leaves me, although I accept it now. I have also been through stuff that I'm sure she knows about as are kids are still in touch and she would have been first to my door . I cannot believe the cancer changed her so much, I've decided not to do anything else as I haven't the energy but it will always be a huge sadness and I know one day I will bump into her and I will greet her with a big smile, so will see.

If it matters to you, keep the door open. Try again and accept the response even if silence.

I would suggest you write her a letter. If she doesn't respond then please put her out of your mind. You have done nothing wrong. She may be suffering from mental issues. I wonder if her daughter has ever explained anything to you?

I do so hope it works out for you. ?

I remember your previous comment and the replies. I don't remember them as being unkind, simply trying to make you look at things in a different way as you had spoken a great deal about how much you had done for her and then had returned a gift to her which had upset her. Some of us had been in your friend's situation and understood how that would have made her feel.
It is a shame that it put you off posting again but if people post a situation and ask for opinions they have to accept that they might get some that they don't like. I don't think any were gratuitously mean.
I think that you should just send her a short message saying that you are sorry that you upset her, that you miss her and would love to know how she is getting on after the move.

I hope whatever I posted last time didn't hurt your feelings. With GN as with all other advice, we are rather working in the dark on one side of the story. When you ask for advice on any topic here, you will get a range of opinions, some of which may not be what you had hoped for.

Hurt is always difficult to account for or shift. Your friend does seem to have made her decision and I would be inclined to accept that. If the situation were a man and a woman, and the woman had decided she did not want to continue the friendship, gifts arrived, flowers etc people would consider it inappropriate.

Sadly for you, she does see to have made her mind up, if she changes her mind she can still contact you, unless you can cope with another rejection I would be inclined to leave well alone.

Like a lot of things in life 'it was fun while it lasted'.