The lost friendship

I referred to a lost friendship in a post on worrying yesterday because I have always had a tendency to worry about offending others. I didn't go into details yesterday but the "friend" cut me off and bad-mouthed me afterwards to a mutual friend.

I too am a Leo and we are very loyal friends, but I have had to accept that although I didn't intend to upset this person I clearly did, and although she'll talk to me if we meet by chance, she won't initiate or maintain contact again. She is a bit nutty and I still regard her cutting me off as completely disproportionate to the "crime".

I have accepted that no amount of apologies by me or assurances that I never meant to offend her will ever change her mind. I've "crossed a line".

I feel for you as it is horrible when this happens. I am sure you are not a bad person and don't deserve this "treatment" but if tshe wants to cut you out of her life there's not much you can do about it.

I tried to find out what I'd done wrong but she refused to discuss it. I decided not to demean myself further by pursuing it or begging her to forgive me and to resume our friendship.

You know this person better than any of us so if you feel there is a chance that she'd be willing to start afresh, by all means go for it. Personally I wouldn't bother.

Of course have one last go if you want but I wonder if having moved so far away she has now made a new life so be prepared not to hear. I am afraid the returning of a gift may have been the last straw. So sorry

I haven't read all the posts so I'm sorry if I repeat what has already been said. Firstly I'm so sorry that you have lost your good friend. Secondly I'm sorry that you were upset by some of the responses on GN. As others have said there will be lots of different opinions and sometimes these may be expressed to seem more harsh than they were meant to be. Have you apologised to your friend about returning the gift? I think I would write, one last time, take all the blame if necessary, if you really want her friendship back. Good luck. Also to all of you who have lost good friends for whatever reason.

Like many of the others I don't see any harm in a last attempt to put things right. At least you'll know you've tried. I also lost a good friend. I supported her through a nasty divorce but she very quickly started a new relationship and I was forgotten. I still see her occasionally but not one to one and we are polite rather than friendly

Sorry about the typos. Think you will be able to interpret.

fundamental disagreements ...

ajanela I agree. It is sad that so many people would believe that so many Gransnetters were simply unpleasant. I think that people are usually very careful to try to give the OP a different perspective of things and very often posters will say that they had not looked at things that way and thank the responders. Sometimes people are looking for sympathy and take offence if they get something different. That does not mean the responses were nasty. They really weren't.
I have had fundamental with people (especially on politically issues) but I have only once had a genuinely nasty comment and I have posted here quite a lost.
It is disappointing that people are so quick to judge us.

I find that my friendships seem to have a shelf-life of 15-20 years and then fizzle out. these have been with really close friends but we all change and adapt as our lives and circumstances change and we realise that we no longer have much in common. I have been very sad , although also a little bit relieved when a friendship reaches it's natural end. I can honestly say though that other friendships have come into my life with equally nice people, whom I might never have met if I had hung on in unsatisfactory relationships where each party no longer nurtured each other. Perhaps this will be your experience too.

I can totally empathsize with you grannylyn65. It is horrible and so un-necessary.

Yes hulahoop, this experience has been a whole lot more understanding - thank you!

I dropped a friend 10 years ago,i think I was less critical when younger.Not many people liked her,and as I got older I got very judgemental her flaws and faults magnified to me and I just didn't want to be in her company.We had no argument,I just didn't make contact.Strangly she didn't either, so perhaps she had enough of me,we where friends for 40 years.

I would write a simple letter, apologise you upset her and wish her well. Dont say too much about it. Less is more. Make sure your contact details ie phone no/email are on the letter and then wait and see.

Explain why you sent the flowers. From how I read it was a kindness cos you weren't living near her now and wanted to show your love.

If she doesn't contact you then at least you know you have cleaned your side of the street (so to speak) and you will beable to let it go.

Keep the letter simple with no blame or recriminations etc. Expect nothing back so if you hear it will be a delight.

Much love to you. I am sorry your original experience wasn't good last year

I didn't read your earlier post, but needless to say it isn't nice to post hurtful words on sites like this.

I have to ask this - why are you hanging onto this situation that continues to make you miserable and sad? Life is short - very short - when we hit our 80's. There is much to be thankful for to have reached this stage in life.....the simple fact that you wake up each morning is a gift. The more you concentrate on the grief of this situation, the deeper the hurt will go. Be thankful for the friendship that you had - and be grateful for the friendships that are still in your life. The consequences of hanging onto deep hurt and sadness will eat away at you have such a negative effect on your health and mental state. Your ex friend is not responsible for your ongoing happiness - you are!

Smileless2012 Well don't keep us in suspense!!! Why the hell did she cut off contact for 10 years???!!! I was expecting you to say so, but nothing!

I hope people will read judypark and Jaycees comments about your last post before criticising gransnetters. As they have said the general consensus on a very long post was that you should look at your treatment of your friend. So many gransnetters could not have been that wrong.

As for blaming everything on being a Leo that is incredible. "And she has lost such a lot!" Glad you mentioned and so have you.

I feel very hurt that you now post a very critical picture of what was written by gransnetters and how hurt and upset you are by it and that so many gransnetters misunderstood you. In this past year you don't seem to have understood how your friend felt.

Before you try contacting your friend I really think you need to read your last post again and try to understand how she felt.

I agree Rosina, bile never did anyone any good. But sometimes a bit of straight talking is helpful! My first post on Gransnet was about a relationship that was troubling me and I was very touched by the understanding I received. But I was also greatly helped by somebody who gave another point of view and made me realise my thinking was somewhat adrift. I suppose it depends whether you are seeking reassurance or a solution to the problem. That's why I thought joyfully's post was good and I shall her suggestion myself in future!

I'd send a nice card, simply saying u miss her and it would be great if you could renew your friendship, and ask her to get in touch if she agrees. Then wait. If she doesn't reply, u ve done ur best. I do know how it feels. I had to end a friendship because it became toxic and was making me ill. But I. Ve never stopped worrying over this even tho it had to be done . Different circumstances I know, but it did upset me and still does .

I would give it one more try, simply concentrating on saying that you miss her, and hope that she will be able to contact you so that you can catch up. Perhaps not refer in any way to what has passed - if she wants to offer reasons she will and if she doesn't it might make things worse.

What I really did want to say was that I am so sorry that you have had negative, cruel and hurtful comments having previously posted this problem. I just don't understand how any woman can read about another in distress and then be spiteful - they must have something seriously wrong with them. Unkind remarks cut deeply; I have never subscribed to 'sticks and stones may break my bones ..' etc as catty and horrible remarks do hurt so much and do stay with you. Perhaps these people boiling in their own bile might like to share why they said these things - or how they thought it might help you.

So sorry about your situation with your friend. I can sympathise on two counts. Sometimes some comments l see on some posts seem very scary and over the top so l feel nervous that if l post a problem myself the replies might make me feel worse not better! Friendships don't seem to get any easier the older you get and the longer the relationship the harder it is when things go wrong. I was recommended to write a letter to the person and say everything l wanted to say honestly to get it out of my system but then instead of posting it rip it up, burn it anything that feels right as a sort of resolution to the issue then to move on ?

I thought joyfully's post about sitting in a chair and seeing the situation from two perspectives was really interesting. You obviously felt you knew your friend really well cheneslieges and were totally thrown by her response. What do you think she would be saying if she was posting on a thread here on this problem? I'd really like to know what you think her thoughts might be.

Try once more by sending a letter....it's the only thing you can do and if she doesn't"nt reply you will have to accept that the friendship has run its course. I don"nt remember your original post but have since read it. It did sound to me like your friend was upset by the returning of a gift she sent you, and was hurt by it. She may have mellowed since then and be happy to reignite the friendship she had with you.

I have been hurt by great friends so often, to the point where I no longer have friends; it's too risky to try to make them again for fear of being hurt yet again. I do feel for all you lovely people who've been treated in a similarly hurtful way, but I suppose I have to concede that people change for various reasons and I have to accept that.

I'm one of those who provide a shoulder for those who need one. I do have very broad shoulders and am a good listener (so I'm told) but of course whenever I've needed to cry on one of their shoulders, they're off like a bullet.

I'm lucky in that I have the most wonderful DH who is my soulmate and best friend, but it still hurts to think of those old "friends" who left.

chenlieges I do understand how you feel, and I think you've probably already decided to give things another go. I wish you all the best, but be prepared for things not to go the way you would wish.

My final comment to all you gransnetters - Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my heartfelt plea. I do appreciate it. I know that most of you last year totally misunderstood me and maybe I did come over badly - but I truly loved this person - I still do - and I would have done ANYTHING to get back to how we were. When I was back in France this Summer, I longed to share it all with her again - sitting on the Terrace, thinking "Linda would have loved this sunset" or "Linda would have loved to see that Hoopoe" (we were both avid bird-watchers) - Life is so very, very hard now. I miss her terribly.

It sounds as if, over the years, you did most of the giving. You were better off and were very generous to her beacuse you were so fond of her.

Sometimes this inbalance causes resentment. It is not your fault. By the sound of it, she could not afford to reciprocate and this may have made her feel that she was being patronised, even though that was never your intention.

Another possibility is that she has a health problem, perhaps a mental health issue, even the beginnings of dementia. Is there a family member or mutual friend you could speak to?

Dear Hm999 - Thank you very much. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.