The lost friendship

Dear judypark - I may have explained myself badly last year, and it did sound insensitive in places - but if you had known how we were, you would see it differently. I know she does NOT have dementia, and in fact I had been helping her through two different serious illnesses for a number of years (Thrombocytopenia and Hiatus hernia operation which went badly wrong) - I was her "go to" "consultant" as I used to be a nurse - and since she has no computer, she always turned to me to "look things up" when her Specialists were a bit vague.
I think after all I will let "sleeping dogs lie" - she will no doubt be really struggling now, having no one to do all her research re her health problems. I do feel immensely sorry for her - she has lost such a lot. Mind you, so have I.

Oh, it is such a shame when this kind of thing happens. I, too, lost a 'very good friend' when I split up with my first husband. I was devastated and we got on so well. She told my ex that she couldn't cope with us splitting up, but she remained friends with my ex.
My ex and I are still very good friends, as the split was mutual............I have tried to put out the olive branch a few times, and although I receive a response to emails etc., nothing more comes of it................

Life is too short for this!! I have to remember the good times we had and call it quits!

If you don't try & contact her you will always wonder what would have happened.
I suggest you try again- maybe a nice card or letter first to give her time to think & them a phone call.
Good luck- I hope it works out for you.

Dear Dorsetcupcake61 - Thank you for your kind response. It has been a much better experience for me this time round (here on gransnet) and I feel a whole lot better about things, AND myself. Thank you.

I'm really sorry to hear of your plight, and even sorrier that when vulnerable and seeking support, your peers did not give you what you felt you needed. Some odd things do get written on social media! Try not to take it personally (easier said than done)
I'd say give her one last chance, but accept that it's unlikely to work. Don't let this hurt you again. You've then done your best to be a true friend.

Dear sunnym - I wish we actually knew each other! It sounds like we are twin souls - always doing the giving, and others doing all the "taking". Thank you for your lovely long response - I feel a whole lot better now, thank you.
Dear hulahoop - thank you - yes this has helped a lot.

Jaycee5 I think your comment sums it up and your final is the way to go. Chenlieges, just send a short message with an apology and the fact that you miss her. If there's no response, let it go.
Unequal friendships are always tricky to balance and I know I've been offended by the return of a gift although the 'friend' just said she didn't like it. I was always too busy answer emails, phone calls, or to meet up for quite a while after that.

I am really sorry that as upset as you were some gransnetters said even more hurtful things to you. It shows a lack of empathy sadly. In my career as a therapist I have seen many people with similar problems. I can reassure you know that this is your friends problem and not yours. She has not been flexible enough or emotionally mature enough to explain why she wants to the friendship to end. That is the fact. You have tried your best to rekindle, but she has moved on, albeit with unresolved issues around the friendship. Here is a really good technique I ask my clients to do. First of all you see this from your own perspective, then sit in another chair and be your friend, speak from her perspective. Use the words, 'I feel that', then stand up and imagine you are know listening to a wise mentor who is non judgemental, and just wants you to resolve this situation. Then sit down in your own chair and see how you feel now. Obviously it often works better when you are with a therapist, but give it a go. In your mind, wish her well, and then imagine you have let it all go as if it were a helium balloon flying away.

Now concentrate on any good friends you have now, or make new ones. Only give your energy to those who receive it willingly and caringly.

There are many kind gransnetters on here. Disregard any upsetting posts, they don't really know you well enough. Xx

Your post touched me so much that I'm putting on my first ever post. I remember your post as I found myself in a similar situation. I had a friend of 25years with whom never a cross word had been said. She was Godmother to my daughter and like family. Without going into lengthy details she betrayed me and let my daughter down very badly.She then began manipulating mutual friends in a popularity contest. I'm not a confrontational person and tried to resolve the issue but she wouldn't acknowledge any wrong doing. Gradually friends stood back and her unpleasant behaviour became more and more open. It has been an incredibly harrowing experience but I have come through it. Good friends have kept me strong. I do still on occasions still think about it. I think my daughters boyfriend summed it up when he said that she wasn't the person he thought she was. In retrospect the signs were there in how she dealt with others but I think it's very easy to believe the image of someone they put forward especially if they don't give you personal reasons to doubt it. I think you must try everything you feel you can to repair the friendship but you also have to haverify a cut off point otherwise it will rule your life. Sadly you may never know why she behaved as she did, but hopefully if ithe isn't resolved you can move forward and value the love and friendship that you have elsewhere

That is such a sad thing cheneslieges and I feel so sorry that people were nasty to you on GN. They should be ashamed of themselves. Broken friendships can be very painful as I know well myself. However, if you still feel you want to make contact, I would have another try though be prepared for rejection. Never let it be said you allowed things to drift. It is highly possible your friend had or had some sort of illness or crisis and I'm sure you'd want to know if this was the case. I'd send a card each year, telling her you still think of her and that you hope she's okay. Just leave it at that but leave the door open. Sending you lots of good wishes. xxx

I hope whatever I posted last time didn't hurt your feelings. With GN as with all other advice, we are rather working in the dark on one side of the story. When you ask for advice on any topic here, you will get a range of opinions, some of which may not be what you had hoped for.

Hurt is always difficult to account for or shift. Your friend does seem to have made her decision and I would be inclined to accept that. If the situation were a man and a woman, and the woman had decided she did not want to continue the friendship, gifts arrived, flowers etc people would consider it inappropriate.

Sadly for you, she does see to have made her mind up, if she changes her mind she can still contact you, unless you can cope with another rejection I would be inclined to leave well alone.

Like a lot of things in life 'it was fun while it lasted'.

I remember your previous comment and the replies. I don't remember them as being unkind, simply trying to make you look at things in a different way as you had spoken a great deal about how much you had done for her and then had returned a gift to her which had upset her. Some of us had been in your friend's situation and understood how that would have made her feel.
It is a shame that it put you off posting again but if people post a situation and ask for opinions they have to accept that they might get some that they don't like. I don't think any were gratuitously mean.
I think that you should just send her a short message saying that you are sorry that you upset her, that you miss her and would love to know how she is getting on after the move.

I do so hope it works out for you. ?

I would suggest you write her a letter. If she doesn't respond then please put her out of your mind. You have done nothing wrong. She may be suffering from mental issues. I wonder if her daughter has ever explained anything to you?

If it matters to you, keep the door open. Try again and accept the response even if silence.

My goodness I am so saddened by all these lovely sounding people who have been shat on by people that were true friends, I have been through the same with a lifelong friend who dropped me after she had cancer and I was there in some form every day and have had no touch for over four years, I too cried and dreamed of such a treasured friendship and I have to say I do not trust friendships any more. I, like all you, honestly know I was a good friend and the complete lack of understanding I have for the situation never leaves me, although I accept it now. I have also been through stuff that I'm sure she knows about as are kids are still in touch and she would have been first to my door . I cannot believe the cancer changed her so much, I've decided not to do anything else as I haven't the energy but it will always be a huge sadness and I know one day I will bump into her and I will greet her with a big smile, so will see.

That's terrible grannylyn, what a horrible thing to do to anyone let alone a friend.

I am going through the same thing, a very good 'friend ' who today has sent me a poisonous vitriolic email. I have absolutely no idea why and have been warned not to contact her ever

Some friendships do fizzle out and new ones are made but give it another go you are upset anyway . I hope all turns out well for you if not try and put it behind you and focus on the future . Hope you feel Gnetters have been more unde standing this time round .

I am really sorry to hear that you had to go through all that and then having to deal with a lot of the negativity from GN.
Sometimes people can be outspoken without realising just how hurtful it is as not everyone is strong and tough.

I would have given my right arm to have had a lovely friend like you throughout my life and would have been eternally grateful to you for your wonderful friendship.

I feel for your situation as I too had a friend who was like a younger sister to me or so I thought.

Unfortunately the friendship ended after 30years when things had taken a big turn in her life after I managed to secure her a job at a company that I had connections with through my own job at that time.

2years later and after being in work full time for more than 30years. I would be forced to stop work because of serious health problems and would have to claim benefits.

I had lost my upper Management well paid job in the Textile Industry where I had been for nearly 20years. I also had to sell my home and move into rented accommodation.

She cut off contact and refused to speak to me. I was totally confused as I was still in contact with her brother and sisters. They tried to intervene but to no avail and were disgusted by her behaviour towards me.

To cut a very long story short finally she said that she found it really difficult because I was no longer able to keep up with her and her new group of friends and that she no longer needed me in her life and said not to contact her again.

It took me a very long time to get over the loss and hurt but eventually I came to accept that her life had taken a different direction and that also the relationship was very much one sided and I did a lot of giving and she did the taking.

I am lucky though to have 3 friends who I have got to know since I have had to retire and they accept me for who I am wheelchair and all!!

I hope all goes well for you cheneslieges when you take the step of contacting her again.

Please don't take this as a hurtful comment. It truly isnt meant to be but just to explain how she might feel. I had a friend who lived to give but found it difficult to receive graciously. When she came for coffee she always brought a cake or biscuit, when I went to hers she always provided the cake. So one day I took some scones I had baked to hers. She put the lid back on the box, said "You can take those home" and brought out her own biscuits. I can't tell you how hurtful that was and how the rejection of my scones made me feel. Silly I know but it really, really hurt.
Maybe if you could acknowledge to your friend that your returning of her gift might have hurt her deeply and say how sorry you are, it could be a new starting point for your friendship?

I do remember your thread on this subject chenlieges I think various posters hadn't understood the full picture.
Keep trying with Gransnet, as most posters will offer friendly support.?
My feeling on your problem is that there is likely nothing more that you can do, but as others have said,nothing wrong with trying one last time, by letter perhaps, to your friend.

I am sorry that you are still sad about this. I have just reread your post of last year (7 pages of it) and the overwhelming consensus was that you returning the gift of the pyjamas to her so that she could get a refund was the reason for her ending the friendship. I agree that there were some harsh replies but stating that you had made an itinerary of the 40 expensive gifts you had given her did not sit comfortably with many GNs. You have nothing to lose by trying to contact your friend again but don't get your hopes too high. Good luck.

You're welcome cheneslieges.

Yes maybe try once more. Don't be too hopeful! But u will know u tried. And if nothing comes of it just try to remember those good times and forgive her for whatever she is going through.