The lost friendship

The fact that the OP has left Gransnet in a huff because she did not receive 100% approval speaks volumes. I too remember the original posting and in no way were the comments offensive or over-harsh and it's very silly of people to react to one person's opinion of Gransnetters' opinions without reading all the previous posts. The OP may well be a very well-meaning and generous person but it is obvious that her friend did not have the same strength of feeling towards her and was grateful for the 300-mile separation between them. The friendship sounded very lop-sided - who knows what the 'poorer' friend felt about all that largesse. True, she could have taken a raincheck on some of the treats, but often that is harder than it sounds.
I think it's rather sad, not to say worrying, that someone should be 'heartbroken' and for so long, about the ending of a friendship. Blissfully happy marriages can turn sour and come to an end; we must accept that the same goes for friendships. Let them go.

I am new to Gransnet but your thread stood out! I too was rejected by a long standing friend of 40 years and it hurt! But I later found out she was suffering from severe clincial depression and she just found it easier to block people from the past (for whatever reason) I desperately wanted to resume contact but respected her decision and told her I would be here if she needed me and left it at that.

You say you know this isn't the case with your friend? I am also getting from your post that she sent you something and you returned it?

You point out your friend wasn't well off and you used to spoil her with holidays and jewellery etc. I am guessing her gift to you meant a lot to her and the fact you returned it showed how little it meant to you? (all conjecture of course).

I know you felt it was the right thing to do and perhaps people previously have given you similar thoughts which you took to mean criticism. I am not criticising just throwing some thoughts in the mix.

TBH I can fully understand how someone would be offended. OK so you have someone who has given you lots and lots and you feel you want to send something within your means and its returned? Why would you then want to accept a bouquet of flowers from them? Whether that would be enough to terminate a long standing relationship I don't know.

As others say, all you can do is write and apologise and tell her how you feel. If you don't get any response then you will just have to accept it. Look back on your friendship with fondness but don't let it make you ill. Move on and concentrate on other things.

Good luck x

Many years ago, my eldest daughter took umbrage at something she thought I had said or done. To this day do not know what it as all about, however, I got a card saying 'I AM SORRY' and wrote in it that whatever it was that i had done to upset her and I was truly sorry and ,please would she forgive me? She phoned me the same day.
All you can do is to apologise to her for whatever she thinks you have done to upset her. Do not try to find out exactly what, just send her by landmail, a really nice Sorry Card and say that you really miss her and do hope she can forgive you enough to get back in touch.
If she does not respond, then treat it as if she died!!!

Ah well, sounds as if the dead horse can at last stop being flogged
(Apologies for that unattractive image before breakfast.)

Cheque, I read your explantation of the conversations with your friend and it did put a different light on it. The fact that you asked in the first place about returning them, why ask, she had sent them, why would she have done thato if she thought you didn't want them whatever had you agreed, the response in exasperation, of buy a bottle of gin should have been enough, but you pursued it. It seems as if you were generous with money, but she has feelings, she must have thought what she did was not good enough. I don't think there is any going back now as it wasn't about the money, it was about her feelings.you were generous yet but it seems you didn't really know her.

too small and ... the Disney theme of the pj's! slight narrative change...

Ok, I didn't read the original thread, but in this thread the op, at first, suggested that she gave the gift back because it broke the agreement. Now she's saying it was because the pjs were "too small." Which is it? Did I misread something?

I think everyone has tried their best to be fair and to put the other persons possible point of view with the information given. Its a pity that the op is upset with the response as it was mostly meant kindly and to be of help.
I have experience of being the poorer party in a long term friendship. This year has been dreadful for us and after some time feeling very unhappy about a number of things i wrote to her and have heard nothing from her since. Friendships do sometimes have a shelf life as someone else said.

Well affirmation that she had done nothing wrong I suppose ...still makes me sad but there we go

I agree Eglantine!

Er this thread!!! Wish we could edit!

I think the OP only really wanted affirmation of her opinion that she was a lovely, generous person.

It is sad when listening/ self refelection seems so hard ...misunderstanding of particular descriptions are not a sign f unkindness ...a shame for chenesliege123 but maybe a sign f the problem. This threw and how it has ended has made me feel quite sad for some reason!

Move on from Gransnet. Probably for the best. The GNers can't be relied on to offer total agreement to everything you've posted. It's just a pity that you can't accept the valid advice and empathetic suggestions offered with good intentions.
Move on. From Gransnet and from trying to repair a relationship that the other person moved on from long ago.

Just one final FINAL comment, before I close my gransnet account - over the 30+ years we were friends, my ex-friend and I have exchanged numerous presents, and all have been received - in both directions - with good grace and happy gratitude. In fact, when I sent her a "Betty Boop" T-shirt three years ago, it also was too small for her, (just like these pyjamas were for me) and she just gave it to a Charity Shop - we have done that sort of thing frequently. These Disney Pyjamas were NOT - I repeat NOT the only present she ever sent me. I have a wardrobe full of things she has sent me over the years.
I am now closing my gransnet account and you will no longer be able to upset me with your comments and incorrect assumptions

I think Anya has given wise advice as have others. I do recall your previous post and I have reread the whole thread. You read some of the advice as harsh and unkind but I really do not think that was the intention, I think posters were trying to help you to look at the situation from a different perspective! I personally think that, having had years of receiving wonderful gifts from you, to then have her personal chosen gift returned and to be told to get her money back ...was probably the key to this! I wonder if you can in any way, put yourself in her "emotional shoes" as to how she might have felt when you retired her gift? I truly believe that unless you can truly listen and admit you were wrong to her and say sorry (if she agrees to speak to you) then there is no hope of a reconciliation. If you can look at your part in this friendship and the dynamics over the years then there might be hope. All I have said is meant with kindness. Let us know how you get on

"We all get unsuitable presents and it is kinder just to say thank you"

But this doesn't seem to be about an "unsuitable present" - it seems to be about a gift that was given despite an agreement not to give each other any more gifts. The op was "relieved" not to have to buy anymore, so I imagine she felt she had to hold firm by returning the gift. Her friend should have realize this might happen, imo.

But maybe friend didn't really "agree" to this new plan deep inside, op? Or perhaps she didn't take it seriously. Either way, I think she was hurt even by the idea that you were thinking of returning it. And I think you should have realized the chance you were taking by suggesting that. At least, you should have known, imo, that she might get angry or hurt. A little more thought would have gone along way on both sides.

Regardless, I still think it's worth a try at contacting her briefly, op. Will she welcome it or just ignore? Only one way to find out.

That's a bit harsh.

Oh dear. You state that we have all misunderstood the true picture. After two years and numerous measured replies you finally disclose the final details of the last correspondences with your friend.
This post also is littered with how generous your husband has been sending money at Christmas.
You cannot buy a friend however many expensive and monetary gifts you throw at them, in fact the gifts of moneys to me would seem demeaning.
Your friend has moved on and I'm sorry to say to you has freed herself of of your shackles.

I looked for your other post about this by putting your name into search as I thought you had sent the pyjamas back. Your words in your first post were " I text her to say I would post them back so she could get her money back. " Things then went Pearshaped.

So yes you are right you didn't send them back but it was your full intention to do so until things went pear-shaped and the damage was done.

We all get unsuitable presents and it is kinder just to say thank you. You were very generous to your friend but it wasn't an equal friendship. The post about the scones I think illustrates how your friend felt. On your last post the gransnetters tried to show you why your friend felt like this which was challenging for you.

You seem to have a busy interesting life and lots of friends. Sadly these things happen. As others have said try sending a note but if she responds try to make this a more equal friendship

O my goodness chene I think you are getting yourself all upset all over again? I think you are a very sensitive person - you try so hard to reply to every post if you can. I think you have made up your mind how you are going to proceed, stick to that decision - for what it is worth I think it is the right solution - and don't beat yourself up any more !! So, from me (another very sensitive sole) I send you my Best Wishes for the future. Love From Danni xx

Although you apparently didn't return the pyjamas, you seemed to say that you didn't want them and entered into a discussion about how you could return them. That is to my mind the same as returning them.,

I do think it was insensitive of you to do this and I can undertand your friend feeling hurt and humiliated.

You seems to be dwelling on the fact that you and your husband have been very generous to her - with gifts, treats and money. In my view, that does not negate the fact that you hurt her feelings.

You have asked for people's comments and I don't believe anyone has been rude to you but they have given their honest opinions. Some of those opinions do not accord with your view that your friend is unreasonable, but that is the way it goes when you ask for other people's views.

Sorry chenes but frankly the text you quote from your previous thread sounds awful to me, I'm not surprised she cut off communication Also you confirm that, whether you followed through and returned them, you did suggest it.

Having said that I would send her a note telling her how happy you would be to be back in touch, and see where it goes.

quizqueen I did NOT return the gift from her!!! You have all got this so wrong - and most of you have misred my original sad story.

luluaugust Please catch up! I did NOT return the gift of pajamas!! See my other posts.