can't think what to do

My husband had a major heart attack in April and is still recovering. Most of the time he is exhausted and everything in normal life is a huge effort for him. As for me, when he was in hospital I had so many people texting and leaving messages that I was totally overwhelmed. People don't seem to realise that having a partner seriously ill in hospital is in itself exhausting, physically from all the visiting, but also mentally and emotionally. I stopped replying to people in the end.

Your friend is just wanting time alone and to come to terms with all that has happened. Please just be a pal and give her space. I know it's easy to ruminate but you'll just make yourself worse and think things that aren't true. She sounds exhausted to be honest. Just send an occasional card. ANything that doesn't require her to use energy such as ....replying and talking. You sound a good friend to me.

Perhaps forget about the flowers, it is a bit much to bothered with if she's not feeling great. Just send a get well card and see what happens. It can take a while to get over surgery, I know it did me, I had a hysterectomy, which is quite a normal procedure but it took me about 6 months to recover, what with the hormonal changes and having 3 young children to look after. I hope it all turns out okay and try not to worry

Send her a card and a little gift saying you're thinking of her and to give you a shout when she feels up to company.

Give her time. I had a five and a half hour op and they told me it would be 5 and a half months to get anaesthetic out of my system and if she is to have further treatment eg chemo she will be worrying about that.
I'm sure she appreciates your kindnesses.

If she's had major surgery she will be very tired and although she may like to see you 10 minutes may be as much as she can manage. Also, after major surgery some people get a bit depressed. They've been so worked up about their op and keen to get out of hospital they slump when they get home,it might be this.
I doubt if she has the energy to feel upset at anyone at the moment,bet she's just exhausted....

I know it's not the same as major surgery but after having my youngest child 26 years ago I felt the same. I remember one day in hospital when several visitors turned up and I was wishing that they would all go home or that I could leave them to chat amongst themselves and that they would leave me alone.

As a person with a chronic illness that includes better and bad phases I would say that your friendship is very important to her but just at the moment she probably just wants to hunker down and recover. Its awful if you think people have given up on you and the thing that I like the best when I am bad is a card, some flowers, a message etc only visitors who are either there to do something practical or only there if pre-arranged. Don't take it to heart, at the minute all she can think about is recovery and feeling awful makes us all a bit grumpy. Imagine if you had terrible flu, much as you love people you just can't be bothered with them until its gone and you are better. Don't give up on your friend and she is lucky to have someone who cares about her as you obviously do, you sound a very caring person.

Your friend is still suffering the after effects of her surgery. She may also be experiencing post op depression.

Maybe you're not the only one sending text messages and constant pinging can be very annoying. Your good friend is going through some bad times right now. Too many visitors can be exhausting. She needs a lot of rest. It's very likely she's not up to answering a slew of calls, texts, emails etc.

Even the smallest gestures can be overwhelming if they're coming from too many people, at the same time and from different directions. She may not be ready to acknowledge kindnesses right now so I wouldn't take it personally.

Well done to phone her DH, now your mind is put at rest! A lot of us on here are worriers. I had an operation four months ago and it took me at least two months to get anywhere near over it. You're doing practical things for her and that's great but could I just say that if you visit her with flowers please take a vase and arrange them for her. I got such a lot of beautiful flowers for which I was very grateful but the energy needed to arrange them ... You're a good friend!

Your friend is very probably up to her eyes in heavy-duty medication if she's just endured major surgery.

She'll be dealing with assorted side-effects and is very likely worrying about that! Plus, she'll be hoping that the operation has been a success - and that's another worry.

Just let her take her time - all the time she needs - and don't start over-analysing her lack of response.

It'll work out, eventually.

If any of my family or friends are ill or in difficult situations we find a "thinking of you no need to reply" message does the trick. It shows they're not forgotten whilst acknowledging they might not yet be up for a chat.

Just keep texting with little bits of interesting news so she knows she is not forgotten and she's still part of the world. If you don't she may get a bit down as we do after an op. I'm speaking from current experience. A smile and a verbal hug do wonders.

If she is anything like me..I like my own space when I am ill. The last thing I feel like doing is responding to texts. I was never very good with visitors when in hospital either. Keep texting but if she doesn't respond don't worry about it...I'm sure she just does not feel up to it. She obviously needs some space to think things through after her major operation.

After a recent op a lot of friends sent messages offering help, but I didn't like to bother them in case they were busy at that particular time. What I really appreciated was someone texting to say ' I'm going to the supermarket later, is there anything you want?' I knew I wasn't putting them out as they were going anyway and it removed the worry of running out of milk etc.

It sounds like she just needs more time to get over her op. You say it was a major op ...often you just need to recuperate quietly once you are discharged from hospital. She could also have post op depression which can sometimes happen. I would send her cheerful cards rather than the texts, she won't feel bad if she"s not up to answering them ...just give her a bit more breathing space until she feels better. It"s possible she has a lot of well meaning friends and its not just you.

Poor you. It is always visiting folks who have been ill . More often than not they really are pleased to see you buy it's almost hello, when are you going? As it is exhausting keeping up a chelpful face or conversation when you are knackered from the treatment or illness. Don't worry if she doesn't reply to your texts. Keep sending them.don't ask too many questions just keep up the cheerful banter. It may feel one sided but this is where your friendship comes in....they need You right now...it's about them not you. Keep at it. Knowing people are out there routing for you is half a battle. Don't give up or take offense or get hurt feelings. Just remember what your friend is going through and put yourself in their place. Love to you both. X

I had a triple bypass two years ago and I well remember the aftermath when I came home. My husband was brilliant and did his best but I was fully aware that my high standards of tidiness were not being met! He was good at cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms but the dust piles up quickly and I felt uncomfortable about having visitors because of this. Yes I know, very silly. Cards and texts were welcome but I didn't always have the energy to reply immediately. It took me over an hour to shower and dress in the mornings and I was generally knackered after even this effort. Most of my friends in the village and WI came in for a short time, kept me in touch with what was happening in the outside world which helped me to recover. No-one came empty-handed, I remember one sublime chicken pie and a melt in the mouth chocolate cake which perked me up no end
Does your friend live with a partner. Perhaps contact the partner and find out if there are gaps you can fill whether it is bringing food or doing the ironing. Every little helps but do keep in contact. It is about her recovery and going from "hospital mode" back to real life and that does take time and effort. Keep telling her how well she is doing - that helps too.
Powerful anaesthetics, antibiotics and painkillers can have an appalling affect on mental ability too. I couldn't concentrate on anything for longer than a couple of minutes and it was several months before I was anywhere near "normal".
Hang on in there and let her know you are there for her.

I had a fairly major spinal op this year, and certainly for quite a while I couldn't really manage anything much at all, and in the early days I kept nodding off throughout the day. It wipes you out to the extent you can't even think about things, and even conversation can be an effort. I would send a card, and send texts offering to help etc but don't overdo it. I would doubt your friend is offended, just exhausted by the surgery.

Text less frequently. Be prepared the friendship might have changed. But, kerp the door open. You never know, she may just be feeling a little below par still.

I would suggest sending a text to ask if she'd like any help and that if she doesn't want to reply you'll take it that she's too tired even for visitors. Leave it at that.
Hopefully she'll contact you as and when she feels up to it.

I underwent major surgery 5 years ago and it took me a full year to recover. I was as weak as a kitten for the first 3 or 4 months and quite spaced out to boot. I'd persevere with your friend. Be patient, just let her know you're there for her, and allow her to set the boundaries for a while as she recovers.

went to see a friend in same situation and she said I was the first visitor she had seen without her husband being around to relieve her if she couldn't cope. She thought she'd be able to tell me when she'd had enough. Suggest asking is best way - would you like me to visit or are you wiped out?

Less is more when people are wiped out by illness, a card with 'call me if I can help' is enough, follow it up once a month or so. I have had times when opening an envelope has been too much to cope with.

Friendship is as much about giving people space as anything else.

My husband was like this last year after major surgery, I had to put his friends off visiting because he didn't feel like seeing anyone and he was quiet and almost rude to me at times. I was very worried but gradually he came round and now he is back to normal. I think it's a big shock to be ill and it takes time to recover mentally as well as physically. I would keep sending texts and visit occasionally to keep in touch .