What is Ghosting

Is this the same as 'going non contact' ?

Sounds like it to me, but with a daft new name for it!

I worked years ago with someone whose partner went off to the launderette one day and never came back. Just went leaving all his things behind. She never really got over it. I too think it very cruel and cowardly.

Cruel and cowardly are excellent words to describe this type of behaviour.

It's a convenient way of punishing another person or persons without having to explain why.

I wish I could think of the best way to handle such treatment when it happens. Any ideas excluding trolling the person on social media. That brings you down to their level.

Eglantine19 - maybe your former friends couldn't deal with visiting your DH knowing he was dying, especially if they were fond of him. If so, they could have explained this, but it may have caused you to feel even more upset because you'd have been thinking "Well, how do you think I manage to cope with it every day ?"

I can see that you were in a terrible situation nursing a sick husband and needed their support. The reason (I think) why the former friend cut me off was far more trivial and more to do with her ego than anything else.

I

I wonder, if it is a new phenomenon, whether it is the controlling punishment of it that makes it so?
The ghosted person has no information and is completely at the mercy of the ghoster who knows all and perhaps gets a sadistic buzz out of picturing the ghosted one wondering and worrying about them. Sick.

On the other hand, if one is trying to escape an abuser, violence even, then sometimes the only way is to disappear.

Ghosting's sounds a horrid thing to happen to anybody, but I imagine there's a reason, maybe the person ghosted is just too thick skinned to see any faults in themself, it's difficult to imagine anybody ghosting one for no reason.

In my case. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I am not thick skinned and I do always take responsibility for my actions and Always tried to be kind. All I can think that I might have done wrong was tell this person I was unable to pay for her MOT . I brought the car, lend her money to get it serviced and always bailed her out of any money problems. but after my husband died I am struggling my self she asked me to pay the MOT and I said this time I couldn't I thought she was ok with that and understood I would if I could, because I always had before, but she cut me off and she still has my front door keys. didn't even answer when I text her and begged her to tell me she had not been hurt. If I had done anything else why not tell me as I would be mortified if I had her hurt in any way and i would have put it right and she knows that. Thick skinned? I wish I was.

I dont consider myself thick skinned or needy in any way. In fact, I think the ex was the needy, clingy one. I do feel I was "punished" for not being able to put his needs before everyone else's (including my own)
Really, there is no point speculating what the problem was, as I've no information to go on. The last communication I had with him was a loving text, telling me I was his alpha and omega, and his sun, moon and stars.

My DD's now-ex-boyfriend had a reason.
He thought she was taking the relationship too casually and ignoring his hints otherwise.
He could have A- told her she was dumped, B- told her he wanted a more serious relationship and asked what she felt about that or C- suddenly vanished from her life, including not appearing on facebook so she'd have no idea what had happened.
Which do you think a sensible person might choose!

That's part of the myriad of reasons that ghosting is so hard to deal with; the embarrassment of it all. People (well, some of them) thinking you're some kind of bunny boiler. Its horribly humiliating, as well as having to deal with the emotions, the hurt, and the practicalities of dealing with it all. It adds insult to injury to think that you're perceived as a nutcase that scares people away!

I'm on a roll now, lol.
Also, seeing my grown up daughter crying over the loss of my fiance out of her life, without so much as a word or text to her.. she really did love him, and he her, so I thought. My grandsons loved him too. My mum, in her last few weeks in hospital, talking about when she got home and how we would all spend Christmas together. I didn't have the heart to tell her he had disappeared.. anyway, those are some of the reasons it hurts so much. It certainly knocks your confidence. Its like having a huge chunk of your life removed. We had planned for me to move up to his, so that was all taken away without warning. Then I had his mum on the phone, crying.. men eh? Never again, I tell you!

IMO, there's a difference in definition between "ghosting" and "going nc" or "cutting someone out." Ghosting is a specific form of going nc or co somebody. It means just "disappearing" all at once - blocking their emails and phone calls, maybe unfriending them on FB, etc - w/o a word. Co & nc encompass a few different methods, it seems to me - they can give you a clear reason, they can just say, "Don't ever contact me again!" OR they can ghost you. If they give one any idea that they're cutting one out, imo, that's not ghosting.

Pinkjj27 - (((hugs)))

MissAdventure - As much as I feel for you, how much crueler is it that it also affected dd, etc. I wonder if someone who does this ever thinks/cares about the 3rd or 4th parties they could also be hurting?

That's a good explanation, Starlady. I thought it must be different, but hadn't quite worked out how.

I think some people who ghost may have a similar idea to people who take their own life eg that no-one will miss them and everyone will get on better without them. Mistaken view, of course.

Others may be so wrapped up in their own upset, for whatever reason, that it doesn't occur to them that disappearing will be upsetting to others, or they think that it doesn't matter.

Another kind will deliberately hope to cause hurt by disappearing. That is plain nasty.

I'm not sure what to believe, quite honestly, starlady
He had seemed to enjoy spending time as a family; encouraged the grandchildren to think of him as a grandad, and behaved as one would - looking after them, etc.
Not that I think for one minute that he shouldn't have ended things in case he upset my family. Its just been very hard, is all, and I feel the word 'ghosted' makes light of it.

Did you never find out his reason, MissAdventure?

No, farnorth. His mum and I have stayed in touch (more her idea than mine, to be honest) but the subject of 'him' is the unmentionable subject. She often refers to him 'having a hard time' dealing with matters which crop up - I think by way of excuse for his appalling lack of respect. Very difficult - I have to bite my tongue for fear of offending her.

My best friend was recently ghosted. It caused her untold pain. A man pursued her relentlessly, she is quite shy, she eventually gave in, started seeing him, opened her heart, despite being hurt before, and when things were going well, he ghosted her. Admittedly, she can be needy, and I can see from his point of view, that she was probably full-on. The agony this caused her was unbearable, the recriminations, she blamed herself, felt unworthy, and retreated into herself even more. I know this woman, and if he had simply told her that he'd changed his mind, she would have accepted it, the thought of becoming a nuisance alone would have made her accept his decision, but no, he simply faded away like mist. We expected better behaviour from him, as he was quite a pillar of the community, he changed his job, altered his patterns and really went all-out to eradicate himself from her life. She will never get over this, he should have stood up to the plate, and just told her he wanted to break up.

I know how painful it is. I never pursued my fiance once I realised he was alive and well: I'm not that kind of person. I 'got over it' and got on with it, to all outwardly appearances.
I cleared all of his stuff from my home, attended my mums funeral whilst still reeling from what he had done, but it has been very difficult.

I have a neighbour a few doors down whom I have ghosted. She is known in the neighbourhood for her gossip and wickedness towards people. She once caused trouble for me, even though she didn't know me...or anything about me. I had a word with her and have not spoken to or acknowledged her existance since (six years). However, my friends continuously complain about her to me and talk behind her back...suffice to say they get short shrift from me when I tell them I don't want to hear any of it. I'm happy thank you.

is this the same as giving someone the cold shoulder or brush off or going Non Contact?

See the post from Starlady explaining it.