Holidays

Yellowcanary im not sure why you feel you can take exception to my comment as it was nothing to do with you nor was it directed at you.. Im well aware there are good step parents, my husband is the best step parent I've ever seen.. I personally would wish for a good step parent as my Mum isn't the best, unfortunately I don't get to fit with my Father and step Mum either.. Believe me it has nothing to do with me in regards to respect or responsibility.. I'm also experiencing a nightmare of problems with my kids and their Dads new wife, she will not let there be a relationship without her being centre of the universe.. From my experience there are more evil step parents that feel a sense of entitlement over children from previous marriages.. In my opinion it's them who are being rude and jealous.. I honestly don't believe this is the case for EVERY step parent and at no point did I suggest I meant every step parent!!

Sorry, I pad crazy. He needs a will right now, so do u!

Thistlerose1 I'm afraid I take exception to your comments about stepparents - I have 2 stepdaughters, one I never met due to disagreements with her family before I ever came on the scene - the other one came to live with us for two years when she was 17, she then moved away met someone, had 3 children with him, met someone else married and had 2 more. I'm not saying life was easy when she was with us but whose is when they are 17 even in "normal" relationships. Whenever we went to see them always bought the grandchildren outfits, toys etc. When my husband (her father) passed away 20 years ago I still used to go and see them (200 miles away) on a regular basis and carried on with the outfits etc not because I had to but because I wanted to, despite hardly getting anything back in return (no birthday or Christmas cards let alone a present) - it was always give on my side not the other way. I haven't done this for the last few years simply because she and her husband moved back to his home country about 8 years ago.

This might sound poor me but I did my best and got no thanks only "when are you coming again" because she knew I would buy the kids stuff - she hasn't even been back here to see me since her dad's funeral 20 years ago (when she was in the UK).

Step-children should take responsibility as well for any relationship

U need a way pl now, he needs an updated pone. Circumstances likeno will can have devastating results. It happened in our family at age of 44, make legal appt today and te

Your husband it's totally necessary, in you, his, and children's interests. Today! My daughter lost everything .

Wha age are his kids? Do you have any? Is your husband happy with the provision he has made for you and for them if he dies first, and has he got it sorted legally if u go first if u have any children? You need to get this cut and dried now, legally written up, and a copy given to everyone on the Sam day. Job done, or will go on forever.

Zorro - it sounds like your DH's children may regard you as a gold-digger spending their potential inheritance.

In my experience, step-children get really wound up about this type of thing and their suspicions are fed by their respective parents not telling them what to expect by way of inheritance. SEcrecy over these matters can cause great harm to family relationships.

My mother married twice and kept her flat, all her bank accounts and investments in her sole name. She provided in her will for her second husband to remain in the flat until death when it will pass to her children.

However, she was a very secretive person so we didn't know if her bank accounts, etc were in her sole name until after she died. Fortunately she told us up front that she intended to allow 2nd DH to live there until his own death and that he would pay all the bills for living there, which we were greatly relieved about.

So my message to you is sort out with your DH how your respective monies are to be left, each make wills to implement your wishes and tell your respective children how things will be left after your death(s).

They may still be unhappy afterwards but that's their problem. IMHO, they are not entitled to know in the meantime what's in your DH's bank accounts, what you both spend on the home or on holidays or on anything else.

I have three adult step children, our relationship is hostile to say the least. DH is in poor health and on several occasions his children have asked pointed questions about his will. It's quite simple really in that whoever dies first leaves everything to the survivor, and they in turn leave it to the children (I have two adult children). If DH does die first I will be so tempted to change my will so that the step children get a token amount and my two inherit the bulk.

Unless you are a family that generally discusses the cost of holidays and other things between yourselves it seems quite rude to me and nosey. Why would she need to know. Reading further into your posts re wills: I find it quite disrespectful that people need to know who has made a will...who is the executer etc. Then the unpleasantness about the money being lent to the brother of these daughters. There can often be resentment and bad feeling with children/stepchildren after divorces and remarriage probably because of an underlying jealousy that when the time comes they won't get their fair share. Unfortunately the sense of expectation and entitlement can be the cause of family feuds. I would not discuss your finances with her at all,what you and your husband spend is your business. If she asks any more nosey questions, don,t answer them as such but ask her why she needs to know ...putting the ball back in her court.

Sounds as if you need to have a discussion with on regarding finances you seem to resent the money given to his children. My oh and I made wills together as we have always shared everything and never kept secrets from each other. If you have children of your own a will is important.

I have never asked how much a holiday costs. It does not interest me. What I dislike is being asked by this particular step daughter how much money was spent on a small trip away for a few days. This is possibly because we have had no honeymoon at all and don't go on holidays. I am aware that she has had numerous holidays, because she has said so and her ex husband complains at her that she does this and also tries to get money out of him which he does not have. I never criticise what any of his adult kids do and neither does my husband.

As regards the will. It was Christmas Day when she asked this. His will has not even been discussed with me, and I have not made one at all (yet).

I'm all for the father supporting dependent children but it sounds to me that these girls are all adults. If they are, then it's up to the father to decide what, if any, portion of his money goes to his offspring.
There shouldn't be an expectation of getting anything.
Still, not worth creating a family rift over it. A quiet discussion with OH and then let him deal with his kids.

It is rude and regardless of their relationship before you came along he should not be sharing this with her now

oh dear I must be very rude and nosy because I always say do you mind if I ask how much that was. Only because
I like to compare and find a good deal. I would never ask someone how much they earned or if they could afford a holiday so I know my boundaries.
I am a step mum to my late husbands son if he asked me
I would tell him but I am not on the defensive and I don't have other issues with My DSS. You say she Made her father answer And how did do that ? Did she torture him? Perhaps its just a conversation family members have. I of course don't know the back ground and I am a step mum and I do know it can be difficult, But remember it can be difficult for all concerned. My advice to you is pick your battles I certainly think getting upset over that must be exhausting. I think you need to be honest and work through any issues and be a bit more tolerant of the father daughter relationship . You chose to be with your husband she didn't have a choice.

I am not a stepmom but I think she is very rude.
How do you put up with her.

Sounds to me as if a family conference might be a good idea. Are there just your DH's children to inherit or is it more complicated than that? Perhaps if they knew exactly where they stood with a Will then a lot of unpleasantness could be avoided. My Mum always told me and my sister that there would be nothing for us when she died, that the whole of her estate would go to our brother who, due to being brain injured at birth, would never be in a position to fund himself (he had a mental age of about 8 in most things). We accepted it as it was what Mum wanted. If you don't want to all get together then perhaps your DH could get a solicitor to sort letters out to each of his children setting out exactly what will happen. Inheritance when there are second wives/husbands or
stepchildren/halfbrothers and sisters is often a bone of contention, especially once the children are adults it seems. I would refuse to answer any more questions about what you spend as a couple but in turn you shouldn't ask them what they are spending either. Let their father deal with any queries they have.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss all this. Did your husband expect his daughters not to mind he had lent money to his son? As I know, grownup children do revert to childishness, rivalry and jealousy where their parents are involved! Why is he still supporting the children financially if they have now left home?

However, any spending by yourselves as a couple is not their business and I would make that totally clear.

Why does the daughter ask you instead of her father?

This same daughter invited us round ostensibly for a cup of tea not long ago. We then found we were "set upon" by all 4 husband's daughters complaining at him because he had lent money to his son and they were unhappy about that. It was all really unpleasant indeed at the time.

Oh and he should pay for his children, they didn't ask for the divorce.. His divorce and his payments should be nothing to do with you if you feel she shouldn't intrude on your business (which is actually her Dads business) She didn't ask about your will!!

I'm so sorry but it just seems that you have a problem with your SD but you can bet your life she has a problem with you too.. I don't think it's fair for women or men to come along and then start finding fault with the way they communicate.. Chances are they spoke about these things before you turned up.. The daughters relationship was established BEFORE you entered their lives so why now should she be considered 'nosy or rude'
I've discussed my Fathers will with him before he remarried, now I wouldn't dare mention it because his wife would prob keel over at the thought of his precious children even sniffing a pound of his money.. No wonder step parents have such a bad name, I've met very few that are genuinely nice to step children.. The majority I've met have been nothing but attention grabbing adults that create competition with children!!

A question that you can ask next time may stop her in her tracks. "Why do you need to know?"
I learnt this a long time ago and it's always worked for me.
In the meantime Hubbie needs to take charge. Tell her that she needs to ask him. He now deals with stuff like that - (Whatever it may be).

Just say you are not sure because you aren't keeping tabs

Asking about the will is sensible, after all if he dies before you, it needs to be established how you stand, so could work as well for you as for anyone else. Wills can of course be altered at any time but just as well to sort it out as far as you can now.

Almost everyone complains about being hard up, while enjoying themselves, she my be in debt for her holidays.

Let her dad deal with her.

Find a fabulous holiday for you and other half and insistthat you go and make some wonderful memories together, after all, this talk of wills has reminded you how short life is and how important those memories are.

Maybe you should ask her to talk to her father about the will etc. There may be a difference in family approach to finances and no harm
intended. It does seem you are a little resentful about the financial issues Zorro perhaps a conversation with your husband is in order. These things soon get out of hand and cause major problems.

Perhaps this problem goes deeper than this. I am not a wicked stepmother at all. I just think its nosey of this daughter to ask this sort of thing. It has been worse. She asked on Christmas Day whether he father had made a will and asked me recently who his Executor was. I'm finding this sort of interrogation difficult.