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(63 Posts)
Zorro21 Mon 21-Aug-17 00:52:10

Is it right that a stepdaughter who has complained to my husband that she is "struggling" yet has gone on numerous holidays recently, asked me how much money was spent on a Bed &Breakfast in Lake District, then said it was expensive although in fact it was very very reasonable. This girl has a £2,000 a week holiday arranged later this week. I'm flabberghasted and made her father answer her question. I consider it rude, nosey and none of her business. What do other step mums think ?

Starlady Mon 21-Aug-17 03:22:25

I'm not a stepmum, but I think it was nosey, too. However, I see you know what she's paying for her upcoming holiday. Is it the norm in the family to discuss the cost of each other's vacations, etc? If so, she might not have thought she was doing anything out of the way, even though, imo, it was.

About her saying your vacation was "expensive." Was it intended as a criticism, do you think, or just an observation? Since, apparently, she spends a lot on holidays herself, she might not think there's anything wrong with yours being "expensive." Or she might think you spent a lot for a B & B, NOT that it's any of her business,

Or perhaps your dh has criticized what she spends on holidays, and this was her way of giving him a taste of his own medicine? Maybe not, just asking.

Am I right in thinking that you didn't raise sd and that's why you turned the question over to dh? If so, then, imo, you were very wise. I just wish he had said, "That's private." But again, perhaps they're used to sharing this kind of information? You might want to discuss this with him.

Anya Mon 21-Aug-17 06:48:37

As an outsider I'm seeing a 'wicked stepmother' in the making!

ninathenana Mon 21-Aug-17 06:57:53

What Starlady saiGN

I'm not usually brave enough to disagree with anyone on GN but I don't see that here Anya OP is simply asking if SD is being nosey

ninathenana Mon 21-Aug-17 06:58:32


Anya Mon 21-Aug-17 07:07:30

Feel free to disagree Nina smile - I'm just catching a touch of something a little anti SD here.

Anya Mon 21-Aug-17 07:09:34

It seems OP knows exactly how much SD's holiday is costing so there must have been a discussion about holidays and costs somewhere along the line??

notnecessarilywiser Mon 21-Aug-17 07:22:30

Good point, Anya - it seems OP is entitled to know the cost of her SD's holiday but the reverse doesn't hold true!

Jane10 Mon 21-Aug-17 07:28:11

Maybe it was the way it was asked that made it seem more than an enquiry in order to see if UK holidays are expensive as compared with foreign /package holidays?

Humbertbear Mon 21-Aug-17 07:40:45

It isn't just a 'step' thing. We recently had a new front door fitted and my son asked me how we could afford it as they are 'very expensive'!

Anya Mon 21-Aug-17 08:03:30

Did you resent him asking that Humber?

Zorro21 Mon 21-Aug-17 08:26:23

Starlady - that is exactly what went through my mind, and your comment is so helpful.

Zorro21 Mon 21-Aug-17 08:28:50

The problem here is also that my husband pays his children so much anyway, because he is divorced, and I feel that I don't get a proper holiday at all, so to be informed that our couple of days away was "expensive" when it really was not, takes the biscuit.

Zorro21 Mon 21-Aug-17 08:44:10

Perhaps this problem goes deeper than this. I am not a wicked stepmother at all. I just think its nosey of this daughter to ask this sort of thing. It has been worse. She asked on Christmas Day whether he father had made a will and asked me recently who his Executor was. I'm finding this sort of interrogation difficult.

Christinefrance Mon 21-Aug-17 10:17:56

Maybe you should ask her to talk to her father about the will etc. There may be a difference in family approach to finances and no harm
intended. It does seem you are a little resentful about the financial issues Zorro perhaps a conversation with your husband is in order. These things soon get out of hand and cause major problems.

radicalnan Mon 21-Aug-17 10:38:39

Asking about the will is sensible, after all if he dies before you, it needs to be established how you stand, so could work as well for you as for anyone else. Wills can of course be altered at any time but just as well to sort it out as far as you can now.

Almost everyone complains about being hard up, while enjoying themselves, she my be in debt for her holidays.

Let her dad deal with her.

Find a fabulous holiday for you and other half and insistthat you go and make some wonderful memories together, after all, this talk of wills has reminded you how short life is and how important those memories are.

Coco51 Mon 21-Aug-17 10:40:45

Just say you are not sure because you aren't keeping tabs

Mjra090307 Mon 21-Aug-17 10:41:23

A question that you can ask next time may stop her in her tracks. "Why do you need to know?"
I learnt this a long time ago and it's always worked for me.
In the meantime Hubbie needs to take charge. Tell her that she needs to ask him. He now deals with stuff like that - (Whatever it may be).

Thistlerose1 Mon 21-Aug-17 11:04:21

I'm so sorry but it just seems that you have a problem with your SD but you can bet your life she has a problem with you too.. I don't think it's fair for women or men to come along and then start finding fault with the way they communicate.. Chances are they spoke about these things before you turned up.. The daughters relationship was established BEFORE you entered their lives so why now should she be considered 'nosy or rude'
I've discussed my Fathers will with him before he remarried, now I wouldn't dare mention it because his wife would prob keel over at the thought of his precious children even sniffing a pound of his money.. No wonder step parents have such a bad name, I've met very few that are genuinely nice to step children.. The majority I've met have been nothing but attention grabbing adults that create competition with children!!

Thistlerose1 Mon 21-Aug-17 11:07:43

Oh and he should pay for his children, they didn't ask for the divorce.. His divorce and his payments should be nothing to do with you if you feel she shouldn't intrude on your business (which is actually her Dads business) She didn't ask about your will!!

Zorro21 Mon 21-Aug-17 11:08:27

This same daughter invited us round ostensibly for a cup of tea not long ago. We then found we were "set upon" by all 4 husband's daughters complaining at him because he had lent money to his son and they were unhappy about that. It was all really unpleasant indeed at the time.

TillyWhiz Mon 21-Aug-17 11:46:45

I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss all this. Did your husband expect his daughters not to mind he had lent money to his son? As I know, grownup children do revert to childishness, rivalry and jealousy where their parents are involved! Why is he still supporting the children financially if they have now left home?

However, any spending by yourselves as a couple is not their business and I would make that totally clear.

Why does the daughter ask you instead of her father?

DotMH1901 Mon 21-Aug-17 12:10:33

Sounds to me as if a family conference might be a good idea. Are there just your DH's children to inherit or is it more complicated than that? Perhaps if they knew exactly where they stood with a Will then a lot of unpleasantness could be avoided. My Mum always told me and my sister that there would be nothing for us when she died, that the whole of her estate would go to our brother who, due to being brain injured at birth, would never be in a position to fund himself (he had a mental age of about 8 in most things). We accepted it as it was what Mum wanted. If you don't want to all get together then perhaps your DH could get a solicitor to sort letters out to each of his children setting out exactly what will happen. Inheritance when there are second wives/husbands or
stepchildren/halfbrothers and sisters is often a bone of contention, especially once the children are adults it seems. I would refuse to answer any more questions about what you spend as a couple but in turn you shouldn't ask them what they are spending either. Let their father deal with any queries they have.

Sheilasue Mon 21-Aug-17 12:26:53

I am not a stepmom but I think she is very rude.
How do you put up with her.

pinkjj27 Mon 21-Aug-17 12:34:04

oh dear I must be very rude and nosy because I always say do you mind if I ask how much that was. Only because
I like to compare and find a good deal. I would never ask someone how much they earned or if they could afford a holiday so I know my boundaries.
I am a step mum to my late husbands son if he asked me
I would tell him but I am not on the defensive and I don't have other issues with My DSS. You say she Made her father answer And how did do that ? Did she torture him? Perhaps its just a conversation family members have. I of course don't know the back ground and I am a step mum and I do know it can be difficult, But remember it can be difficult for all concerned. My advice to you is pick your battles I certainly think getting upset over that must be exhausting. I think you need to be honest and work through any issues and be a bit more tolerant of the father daughter relationship . You chose to be with your husband she didn't have a choice.