Holidays

Zorro I'm sorry you're having all this hassle with your SDs. I think you and DH need to agree what to say so that you put up a united front. Also you need to sort out wills etc. I got on extremely well with my SF but he remarried quite soon after my DM died and then died himself shortly afterwards. I didn't want any money from his will but I would like to have been offered something of my DMs. I really do hope you can get things sorted out and then you and DH can sing from the same hymn sheet.

I think you've handled a difficult situation well Zorro letting your husband deal with her query.

Our DS often asks us how much things cost and I always reply "oh thousands" even when they didn't.

Additionally, I am not their Mother. Whenever the girls want something they consult their father, not me.

maddy629 - I did not answer her question, because frankly I was astounded to be asked it. Not as astounded as I was when invited round for a cup of tea to get several daughters all moaning at my husband that they had insufficient money (and yet all having extravagant holidays).

Can I make it clear to some of the frankly unpleasant posters on here - I did not want to know how much money the stepdaughter spent on her numerous holidays - she said so because she wanted more money to pay for them, from my husband, her husband and her ex husband. I did not want to know the cost - thousands. My small gripe is her deciding that my husband and I's small trip of 2 days in a B & B must have been an extravagant one but it was not. I wish in a way I had not posted on here in the first place.

Inheritance is not an entitlement, why do so many people assume it is?

I am not a stepmother but I am a stepdaughter who got on well with her stepmother, who has sadly passed away now. Why is it okay for you to know how much she is paying for her holiday but not for her to ask about yours? You made her father answer the question? Why couldn't you answer it? As pinkjj27 has said, being a stepmum can be difficult. However so can being a stepchild. You had a choice, she did not.

Sorry, you seem to me to be hostile yo your sc, they are probably insecure whatever their ages, they were in his life a long time before you.
Cedes nan, your attitude is so upsetting, enough to make sc quake, how can you even think like that?
I know some lovely step parents, who are so loved by their partners children. I would never marry anyone if their children did not accept me, not to be another mother. She can not be replaced, but their friend and confidant who they can come to anytime, I would explain from the beginning that as much as I love their father, they come as part of the package and a welcome one at that. Some step mothers seem to see it a contest that their own children take first place.
Golden age, it could be the other way round, someone wiping your dribble and backside as you so lovingly put it before you kick the bucket. Look at what you have written.

"If DH does die first I will be so tempted to change my will so that the step children get a token amount and my two inherit the bulk."

This is what your sc are afraid of, I'm sure. I get that you wouldn't do it, but they might be afraid you will. That may explain the questions.

It might ease tensions if you and dh change things so you each get to leave some money to your own ac, separately, when you die. Is that workable?

How beautiful, Nanna58!

Thistlerose, you do sound very down on sps, in general, even though you don't say "all." It seems to be from bitter experience though, so (((hugs)))

Zorro, it sounds as if there are a lot of concerns among your sc about money and whether they're being treated fairly. Idk if it's more about the money or the fairness issue. But I agree with those who say you and dh need to discuss wills and get them prepared. Very bad timing for sd to ask on Christmas. But to avoid that, imo, dh needs to tell his ac what his plans are regarding how inheritance will be doled out, etc. Maybe not specific amounts but things like, "I'm leaving everyone an equal amount" or "I'm leaving this one more than that one for this reason."

It's awful that his dds ambushed him that way. Imo, you 2 should have gotten up and left. I think you need to discuss what you'll do in the future if that happens.

Perhaps your sds fear they will be "cheated" in some way - by dh, by your ss, maybe even by you. Their fears may be unfounded, but, imo, dh needs to make this clear to them by spelling things out a little more. They're NOT entitled to this information, but it might calm things down.

I don't see why dh needs to pay the expenses of adult dds and ds. And, imo, he needs to say "no" more often. For example, sd needs to give her kids parties, sleepovers, etc. herself, NOT rely on her dad for this. But idk if there's much you can do about this.

Not all step mums are 'baddies' I have never had a cross word from my 3 stepdaughters in the 38 yrs I have been married to their dad. In fact I was really touched last year when their DM died, and my middle stepdaughter said " thank goodness we still have you"

Oh dear - how upsetting for you, but some good advice in previous responses.

I must say that I'm shocked at some of the very negative comments about step-mums - but frankly it's what I've always suspected. 15 years ago, I met and then married a widower with three teenage children, all now adults. I love and like them all but I have had some very unpleasant responses from some of their relations. Some people don't acknowledge me at all - e.g. one darling stepdaughter has in-laws who virtually ignore me, despite the fact that I get on extremely well with my stepdaughter and her husband and their young children and we have all been on holiday together, with the in-laws. Don't think I've done anything to upset the in-lawws. I have been very generous financially to all three now adult step children, and am certainly not a gold digger. I think that stereotypes encouraged by many fairy tales don't help at all ... including Snow White and her wicked step mother, Cinderella and equally wicked step mother and step-sisters to name just two!

Can't please everyone, of course, so I'm just developing a thicker skin where some people are concerned. On another another Gransnet thread, a book called 'Toxic Inlaws' was recommended which also helped tremendously. Can you perhaps do the same? ?

I'm not a stepmum but where my own daughter's concerned I never have holiday envy, I love that she and her husband are seeing the world, they're a well travelled generation, I wouldn't dream of judging them for how they spend money. And I think you're getting the conversation about your Lake District holiday out of proportion. I've just had a 'low cost' week in Scotland which turned out to be as expensive as going abroad, but so what? My choice, my money, I don't care if someone asks thinks I spent too much, nor should you.
It sounds like a number of things have built up to make you feel aggrieved Zorro21, but you married someone with 5 children - it was never going to be plain sailing was it? If this SD asks an intrusive question again, don't get annoyed just sidestep it e.g. we got a last minute bargain. I'm with pinkjj27, it's not worth letting it cause a family rift.

I read I will write something objective and I think oh good how refreshing that this site is all about is all about after all. Then realise that my definition of objective is somewhat different to others.

Just say to her ' you'd better ask your father' i can see both sides really...my own children have a filopino stepmother who they can't stand....she's a golddigger
in their eyes...but i've told them that at least she is looking after him
Their father has already sorted his will so that they and stepmother would be provided for. I have a friend whose father remarried after death of his wife and the new wife got EVERYTHING belonging to his dead wife upon marriage and the house etc when he eventually died!!! We have told our children and stepchildren then when the last one of us pops off they will have equal shares.

Glad to read your post contained no prejudicial comments re your own SDs GoldenAge

Very well put GoldenAge.

* Thistlerosel* I said I will be tempted, not that I would do it. As it happens, I have far too much respect for DH's wishes to deny them, but if you knew the background to my remark you would possibly not be so quick to judge. I have put up with years of unpleasantness from them merely because I had the temerity to accept his proposal, but that's my problem, not yours.

Some quite prejudicial comments on this thread which is a pity - so I'll add what I think are objective ones. As a mum of two married daughters of my own, and two step-daughters (I have had for the past 20 years) I have witnessed quite different types of financial behaviour coming from them. My own daughters who are a few years older than my SDs would never dream of saying to me or to their father (who also remarried) that they are 'struggling' because this is just another way of asking for money. My SDs on the other hand have regularly done this in the expectation that they will receive a handout. To those contributors to this thread who think that dads (or mums) have a financial responsibility towards their grown-up children ... get real - that responsibility ends when they have coughed up the money for a university education in my book. At the age of 25+ all daughters and sons should be standing on their own two feet and any conversations about 'struggling' with money need to be seen in the context of a request to be bailed out and to cause interference in the relationship between the two parents. The older of my SDs uses these tactics just to show that she has some control over her father (she is now 35 and it is quite pathetic), the younger one genuinely has no money because her frequent requests for handouts throughout her university and later years have been met out of nothing more than guilt being piled on by the emotional blackmail, and consequently she has no financial acumen at all. My older SD earns an excellent salary and chooses to spend her money on a lifestyle which is quite different from mine. If she were ever to ask what her dad and I spend on a holiday I would tell her to mind her own business. Likewise, if she were ever to make a judgement about our spending by using the word 'expensive' I would tell her the same. We don't judge her financial decisions, and she has no right to judge ours. It is unfortunately a very sad fact that many adult SDs have grown up with resentment for their parents' divorce, and want to continually 'punish' their dads for 'leaving them'. Constant requests for money and judgements about how their dads spend what they have in their current marital relationship are merely symptomatic of that personality defect - the urge to use emotional blackmail. To Zorro21 I would say, weigh up the number of times your SD involves herself in your spending in this way, and if it's a definite pattern of behaviour speak to her about it. And to those who think Zorro21 bears the hallmarks of an evil SM, think how you would feel in a second relationship which adult step-children were attempting to undermine. My older SD walked out on a promising relationship because the man concerned had kids from a previous marriage and wished to spend alternate weekends with them - she (SD) told him plainly that she wasn't prepared not to have first claim on all of his time - yet as a SD she has done her utmost to create divisions between myself and her dad. To all those of you who are keen to get your hand's on dad's money and ensure your wicked SM is left high and dry, don't forget that the evil SM may be the one wiping his bottom and the dribble away from his mouth for years before he finally kicks the bucket - you may not deserve a penny!

Doesn't mean they don't exist.. I have unfortunately first hand experience, way too much experience!

Thistlerose1 You are unfortunately giving a terrible impression of stepmothers. I'm not like you describe at all.

Radicalnan I did get sorted out.. Turns out my Gran moved out the area and I've enjoyed seeing her during our arranged visits.. I've also had the opportunity to tell her about some of the things she does that really annoy me as she complained to me about the same things happening to her at her new house.. One problem rectified and on to the next lol xx

Thistlerose. Welcome back. did you sort your horrible gran out? Did you take any of the advice we gave you when you asked us, if so, what worked we like to know how things worked out.

You seem to be going through the mill with your whole family from what you write above. I do hope you are OK.

This particular stepchild (she must be about 45) asks her father things like can her son have a group of friends round to camp in the garden. My husband then agrees, thinking it will just be a few boys in a tent, as it was when he was a little boy. The reality is that about 15 youngsters (mostly complete strangers) turn up on the night, girls and boys of 17 yrs who make a horrendous row all night drinking booze and then next door neighbour quite rightly complains. He then sweetly tells his daughter the next morning that all is fine, because he doesn't wish to upset her.

Ceesnan you are quite frankly disgusting!! They ask because they can see right through you.. Any decent human wouldn't do that to their spouses children.. People like you truly disgust me..