MIL - Advice needed

Anya, just want to compliment you on your levelheadedness when the going gets infuriating here. Like your style!

"Guilting' is a passive way of asking for something she wants."

Actually, op, I was thinking along these lines, too. You or dh might try to get mil to come out and say what she wants directly, by asking her, "Are you saying you would like us to stay longer/visit more often/whatever the issue is?" Then if she says "Yes," you can either work something out or let her know if it's simply not going to happen.

"Hugs can go a long way too."

Imo, willa is on to something here. You/dh may not always need to respond to mil's whining in words - or by ignoring her - but with a hug instead. Sometimes, that may be all she really needs. Maybe you can't bring yourself to do that (I understand why not). But here again - um, she's dh's mum, he can give her a hug, now and then, surely?

If you people can find a balance between being kind to her and protecting yourselves, that would be ideal, imo.

"To keep the peace with her in-laws and DH, Starlady."

But doesn't dh need to "keep the peace" with babybawn/his dw, too? Imo, he needs to take the brunt of mil's behavior, rather than leave it to babybawn to handle.

But yes, I agree, neither baby nor dh need to feel guilty because of mil's laments.

Transactional Analysis techniques would be effective in this situation. You MIL is 'talking' either from the 'child' or 'parent' part of her personality when she complains and she can only continue if you respond from your 'child' or 'parent' but if you learn to respond from your 'adult' then the transaction cannot continue in the same vein.
It takes practice but you'll never have to put up with anyone who communicates this this ever again.

Your post only made me feel sorry for your MIL. Obviously she's very unhappy and her state of mind spills over.

Perhaps it might help to stop thinking about her 'negativity' as an automatic justification for your own distance and avoidance. Her effort to push on even though she was sick, should be to her credit and not a put down. I would at least have given her the benefit of the doubt. To me, she seemss depressed, scared about an uncertain future and obviously very lonely. 'Guilting' is a passive way of asking for something she wants. If you respond with humor and a smile (i.e. No can do, but nice try!) you can disarm her painlessly. Hugs can go a long way too.

For this upcoming visit, why don't you and your DH plan an itinerary of activities that she may like? A small gift or a favorite food are little things that can make her feel especially welcome. I suspect her mental and physical health can improve considerably and your visit will go a lot smoother too.

I've even learnt a little (very little) Latvian.

I have no advice, apart from saying that communication is key to good relationships. When my DS moved his GF (now his wife) in with him I found it very difficult to get on with this seemingly good time girl who, to me, seemed totally wrong for him. She is Latvian, and her English was marginally better than my nonexistent Latvian or Russian (she spoke both) and my DS seemed to distance himself from me by taking the trouble to learn Latvian. However, as her English improved so did our relationship. When they finally married I found I'd gained a lovely, gifted, grounded DIL and we get on just fine now and we talk about everything and everything with no problems, no strangeness or hostility at all.

All good advice especially from Madgran77 - just a thought though. If they are only 65, live in a dangerous part of the world,their now adult children live in other parts of the world and they are lonely - could they move house before they get to old age and crisis point? Not on your doorstep! but maybe an area they know where they still have friends and perhaps more opportunities to do things they still enjoy. Then your MIL might be less depressed and needy;would not be so dependent on you and your DH; and still have the security of knowing that if you and other family members were needed you could come over and help sort stuff out but not need to stay for weeks on end.

It is hard making major changes like a house move when you are older - but most people will tell you this is easier in your 6o's than in your 80's when, if you become ill, it is more likely other people will be making your choices for you and these may not be the ones you want.

I'm sitting here reading this after fifty years of guilt tripping myself with my 95 year old mother in law who has never changed since her 60's husband presently with her after telling him I can't take anymore! If we go she's miserable even though we do shopping meals washing etc won't accept outside help thinks it's up to us to do everything whilst holding down full time jobs . It won't get better you have to just deal with it and keep trying sorry xx

Coco I could have written that word for word, except that we four siblings, geographically separated, keep in touch and meet up where possible and there is much laughter remembering the more awful things my mother got up to. She employed 'divide and rule' successfully for a while when our children were small but we got over that when we realised how she was manipulating us.

babybawn , it is sad when parents bring up a family and they take off for a better life and leave them behind. I know how much I miss mine. But your MIL sounds like a very self centred woman and above all things don't have her move in with you. Offer money for help instead and be thankful that she is usually far away. Good luck. Grit your teeth and set your sights on the day she flies back home.

First of all it sounds like your own mum is a nice lady - she is wanting you to keep the peace for the sake of her son-in-law (your hubby). However, I accept that putting on a brave, smiley face when you have guests who are negative and bring stress into your life is not easy, and to be honest, at 65 your parents-in-law are still young - short of a tragedy they will be around for many years to come. This means that you have to effect a change. It would be different if they were in their 90s and you could see an end but you can't, so you have to focus on the actual things MiL says, write them down if necessary, analyse them, work out what's the driving force. Discuss the situation with hubby and let him see how his mother's attitude to life is impacting upon your own enjoyment of life. Maybe he can have a heart-to-heart with her that touches upon how destructive she's being in your overall family relationship, and how this needs to stop, otherwise your visits may have to become less frequent. It should also be possible for your son to be less available - a phone call every day seems a bit much. Does she phone him on a private line or is it a home line that you might pick up and say he's out. The distance that you say has developed between you and her is probably not an issue for her, but if that were to develop between she and her son, it is likely to be one - the threat of that, if she does not become positive may make a difference. One last point, however, is she clinically depressed? Does she need psychological/psychiatric help? By the way, I sympathise, one of my adult step-daughters is very difficult to live with and her visits to us (including visits to our holiday home) are more stressful than they are worth. Even her dad has no desire to see his grandchildren because being at close quarters with her is emotionally exhausting. You need to do something - do not let it slide.

babybawn.No mention of grandchildren in this saga?

Poor you. My mother was like that. Nothing anyone could do would please her and she would go heavy on guilt trips - we are three siblings and her approach was alwayls 'divide and rule' (we don't speak now even though our mother is dead)
When mother came to stay for a week I wanted to show her around Norfolk but as soon as we got anywhere she wanted to go into a cafe or have an ice-cream, and she wouldn't engage in anything until she got her way. She would put on, what I called her 'cats-arse' face and make everyone miserable. Even if you asked her what she wanted to do she'd say 'oh anything, you choose' and of course what I did choose was wrong. Then she started to insult my partner, and that was it. He told her she was being rude and she spent the rest of the week in her bedroom sulking.
So my dear, I think you have no chance of making miserable people happy. You'll have to grit you teeth and get on with it - but perhaps your husband could have a quiet word about how unhappy they are making you. Good luck.

Anya re "capable of introspection" ...I don't really agree as the technique is more about reducing impact one oneself than on impacting on someone else! At best I'd Sa my MIL learnt that her behaviours were not going to get the reaction from me that most people gave her, so that reduced the incentive for her to bother! It worked for me, but each to our own!

I am not quite sure what is meant by negative people? Is this people who don't agree with others or people whose issues and concerns are just tiresome. If your MIL lives somewhere more family orientated she may be acting perfectly normally and not being negative, she may well have worries about support when she gets older, we are fortunate here with the welfare state and NHS.

You say you are a 'happy go lucky' couple, good for you.
If that isn't her experience of life then surely for your husband's sake and hers you can give 10 days put of your happy and lucky life to try and reassure her that she is important to you both.

I think she was making an effort when she went out with you although unwell, it all depends upon the way you choose to view things. She speaks to your husband every day and he seems able to be dutiful like that, help him give her 10 great days too, he will love you for it.

I have as little to do with my MIL as I can these days. Although I do all her shopping, bill paying etc to take the strain from him I insist DH delivers it (he works full time and is away Sun -Fri and can't stand the woman either!). She won't say anything to him as she knows he will bite back but when alone she has verbally attacked me quite viciously and last Christmas did so to our son, so he won't be alone with her either. She is extremely manipulative and demanding and when my lovely FIL died 15 years ago she expected me to be his replacement, ferrying her around, lifting things etc even though I was undergoing cancer treatment which had entailed extensive abdominal surgery and had a young son. When one test needed repeating she blurted out "what will happen to me if you.." - don't know whether she stopped because she realised how awful that was or because of the look on my face. Had I been her, my first thought would have been the impact on my son and how an 8 year old would cope with losing his mother, especially as he had lost 3 grandparents in the last 4 years. Anyway she manipulated me for years, moaned about how she had had a tragic life (it was idyllic) and often spoke of suicide in a round about way. Well one day I snapped when she came out with a comment about how many people would commit suicide, but don't because it's a stigma for the family left behind - so I just laughed and said "Oh, I don't know - some families might welcome it." She has never tried using the suicide threat to manipulate us since. I think by doing what I did I took the power away from her with that one. People can only manipulate us if we allow them to. I think you need to make a stand and show her you only have time for positive interaction and ignore her negativity, refuse to engage with it, she may well decide it's not worth the effort.

Snap, half glass empty same as my mother in law, we only have to do small doses but are always in the wrong, just grin and don't take it to heart now ( I do snap occasionally but makes no difference) Good Luck, stay positive.

Redheaded mom has it right. Change the way you react. Do not internalise what MIL does, just carry on the way you are. It's their problem and not yours. Don't own it in any way.

Waiting to die at 65! They could be doing so much with their lives. It just tells me that they are unfulfilled sadly, and perhaps don't really know what to do.

Keep busy, ignore anything that comes your way as in remarks etc. Stay positive ?

Chat with your husband before the visit and agree on strategies. Go on Pinterest and type in " how to deal with negative people" and you will find light hearted quips to come back with to her. You can never change people like that, they will never accept criticism and would just blame you. Try to twist it round and make light of everything that's said then you can laugh at it later instead of letting her drag you down ?

Thank goodness you don't live near. She's trying to control people. Be distant but 'nice'.

I havent read the whole thread, but is your mil from a culture where there is a stronger tradition of the family looking after their elders??

Trouble is Madgran that technique only works well with those who are capable of introspection. There are individuals who are so fixated on themselves and their own particular brand of negativity that nothing permeates their shell.

I'm a bit like Baggs inasmuch as I don't have the 'right kind of patience' for these people, whereas I do for those in genuine need of a listening ear.

Not perfect, norah. She has her faults, but none as a hostess

My problem is that I don't have the right kind of patience, mad (plenty for other things that other people find tiresome). I try my best but the reality is that I take no shit and don't really see why I should. Nor should I give any of course! I've been exceedingly lucky with my two mothers-in-law who have been and are as straightforward and, if I make make so bold as to say it, as thoughtful about others as I am in their different ways, so it hasn't been a problem.

Bagga ...well relationships are hard work but in some circumstances that might be necessary...and no I wasn't treating my mil like a child, the opposite in fact as in many cases I was gently putting the responsibility for herself and her behaviour on to her without forcing an unnecessary and fruitless confrontation! I was ensuring she did not manipulate my feelings, whilst maintaining an adequate relationship with her ...which I felt was important as she was my DHs mother !! It probably sounds like very ard work because I described a number of possible scenarios and possible responses in one post ...they wouldn't all be happening at the same time!! It was worth the effort and I believe part o being part of a partnership with my husband without being a wet blanket and allowing myself to be treated badly. My husband was supportive I hasten to add!

Baby wan, she sounds lonely and needy, which takes a lot of patience I know. Just get through it as best you can, it's not for long, but I would if you can, reply to some of her comments, for example if she critisising her other DIL, I would say, I wish you wouldn't do that, I get on with her and don't have a problem. If she says she is sick, say, well mom, we will make you confortable, if there is nothing we can do you don't mind us going, we won't be too long.