MIL - Advice needed

Doesn't sound like any advice would make any difference.

Hope you feel better for getting that all off your chest.

'You cant change their behaviour but you can change how you react to it'

So...changing your reactions seems to be the key. I think that you need to look very very closely at how you respond/react to the various behaviours that annoy you or you find difficult!

You talk to her sister; she "guilt trips" you ...well the guilt is your response to whatever she said; change it! So ...just say "Oh it was interesting talking to her. Now, can I ask your advice on..." or whatever. Refuse to allow yourself to feel guilty!! When she was sick ...make her tea or whatever, leave a lunch, explain that you are going out for 3 hours (or whatever) and GO!! She might guilt trip when you get back ...just say "I'm sorry that you were sick/I'm sorry that you are upset that we went out/I'm sorry that you felt ill whilst in the house on your own...or whatever is relevant! Then ask what you can get her or do now you are back! If she asks who is going to look after her when she gets old ...ask if she has any contingency plans, listen to her replies, respond accordingly with sympathy but also as appropriate say what you can do to help, linked in to your own commitments etc. Some time it might be appropriate to ask her why she is assuming the negative about something you are discussing ...say that you view it in a different way ! If she goes on about her other DIL just say "Oh I always enjoy her company!" Don't comment on what she says apart from "Oh that's not my experience with her".

Listen really carefully to what and how she says things or think carefully about what she does and then adapt your responses accordingly to not wind things up but to clearly state your views and to do what you want to do etc. Don't allow yourself or your emotions to be manipulated.
At the same time I would also say that as this is your husbands parents, a bit of putting up with the problem and just letting it wash over you probably doesn't go amiss ...as long as nothing is being done that is beyond making that possible

My own MIL was a very very difficult person who was always negative, sadly manipulative with her family and basically a rather damaged and unhappy person. ...I managed after much effort to get to a point where we could "jog" along with each other, I bit my tongue quite a lot for my husbands sake but also when it was important or impacting unreasonably I would respond and not allow myself or my emotions to be manipulated, whilst remaining pleasant and ignoring any sulking/ huffiness. If any issues arose that linked to our children or had an impact on them I was very direct however. My MIL was also very unpleasant about her other DIL and I found the responses that I described above certainly reduced how much that happened in front of me at least!! I cant say we ever had a warm relationship but we managed to form a truce-like pleasantness that was tolerable ...and much happier for my husband!

None of this was easy and certainly there was frustration and tears at times but I am glad that, for my husband's sake, I managed it with her!

Sorry nothing for advice.

It sounds as if mil is a very needy, jealous, lonely person - maybe depressed? Madgran's advice seems very good to me.

But please cut mil a little slack on some things. Maybe she thought she thought she would just seem like a "party pooper" if she just stayed in bed. Maybe she couldn't bear to be left out because she doesn't see her family that often. Or perhaps she was hoping someone would say, "Don't worry. You stay in bed and take care of yourself. We'll bring you photos of everything and some good food." (Childish, but perhaps that's what she was hoping for.)

Loneliness may be why she resents any attention given to her sister. Again, childish of her, imo. But when you're around her, could you make sure to include her in conversations you have with other people? That might help a bit.

But if you really dread the coming visit, why not limit the time you have to spend with her? (I know she won't like that, but this is for your sanity.) Make some plans just for yourself (lunch with a friend, for example. Or slip out for a walk, now and then, or to do some errands. These are dh's parents - leave most of the entertaining to him.

Also, I recommend keeping the visits as short as possible, despite pressure from mil (brush off any guilt-tripping as Madgran advises).

Unless mil gets some kind of medical/psychological help - or just decides to be more positive (not likely) - this is probably not going to get much better. If you have to remain somewhat "distant" to avoid a huge blowup or co, then so be it.

Just grin and bear it and enjoy the time when you don't have to put up her. You can throw a party when they leave ?

Your DH can supervise her visits whilst you do errands, walk, or visit your mum?

But Anya, why should babybawn have to "grin and bear it" in her own home?

To keep the peace with her in-laws and DH, Starlady.

That sounds like excellent advice from Madgran. You and DH don't have to let someone else make you feel guilty.

Exactly Farnorth - I often have to just leave a thread on this site rather than say exactly what I think!

Your MiL sounds just like my DM! Her own worst enemy and relishing being sorry for herself and was jealous if I spent time talking to my DF away from her. I think it was fear and insecurity that made her this way. She was always afraid of leaving home in case it wasn't there when she got back. This was a result of being bombed out in WW2. She never got over it. You say you iLs live in a more dangerous part of the world, is this affecting you MiL?

Starlady has given good advice and I can only add that if you can try to just listen and not say too much. Lots of "mmm's" and "really"s. You are adult with your own life and responsibilities - and so is she. Don't let her put her problems onto you. Sympathise but that's all. No guilt!

The advice from madgran does sound good. It also sounds like bloody hard work and treating an adult like a child.

Refer as much of the duty of care and response to guilt-tripping to your husband.

When my mum visited my brother and sisterinlaw in the US after my dad died (when my dad went too it was okay cos he was fun to be around and he was the one who got the negativity from mum) the deal between my sisinlaw and bro was that sil would bear the brunt while bro had to be at work on condition that she could have the weekends to go out and scream with her friends and be at home for the minimum time! It worked well.

BTW, in case anyone's wondering, my sil is the best hostess in the entire world yet even she needed an escape route from a difficult visitor.

Didn't finish "Refer..." sentence. Should be Refer as much as you can...

Baggs, SIL was perfect, and an escape route from MIL is genius.

Baby wan, she sounds lonely and needy, which takes a lot of patience I know. Just get through it as best you can, it's not for long, but I would if you can, reply to some of her comments, for example if she critisising her other DIL, I would say, I wish you wouldn't do that, I get on with her and don't have a problem. If she says she is sick, say, well mom, we will make you confortable, if there is nothing we can do you don't mind us going, we won't be too long.

Bagga ...well relationships are hard work but in some circumstances that might be necessary...and no I wasn't treating my mil like a child, the opposite in fact as in many cases I was gently putting the responsibility for herself and her behaviour on to her without forcing an unnecessary and fruitless confrontation! I was ensuring she did not manipulate my feelings, whilst maintaining an adequate relationship with her ...which I felt was important as she was my DHs mother !! It probably sounds like very ard work because I described a number of possible scenarios and possible responses in one post ...they wouldn't all be happening at the same time!! It was worth the effort and I believe part o being part of a partnership with my husband without being a wet blanket and allowing myself to be treated badly. My husband was supportive I hasten to add!

Not perfect, norah. She has her faults, but none as a hostess

My problem is that I don't have the right kind of patience, mad (plenty for other things that other people find tiresome). I try my best but the reality is that I take no shit and don't really see why I should. Nor should I give any of course! I've been exceedingly lucky with my two mothers-in-law who have been and are as straightforward and, if I make make so bold as to say it, as thoughtful about others as I am in their different ways, so it hasn't been a problem.

Trouble is Madgran that technique only works well with those who are capable of introspection. There are individuals who are so fixated on themselves and their own particular brand of negativity that nothing permeates their shell.

I'm a bit like Baggs inasmuch as I don't have the 'right kind of patience' for these people, whereas I do for those in genuine need of a listening ear.

I havent read the whole thread, but is your mil from a culture where there is a stronger tradition of the family looking after their elders??

Thank goodness you don't live near. She's trying to control people. Be distant but 'nice'.

Chat with your husband before the visit and agree on strategies. Go on Pinterest and type in " how to deal with negative people" and you will find light hearted quips to come back with to her. You can never change people like that, they will never accept criticism and would just blame you. Try to twist it round and make light of everything that's said then you can laugh at it later instead of letting her drag you down ?

Redheaded mom has it right. Change the way you react. Do not internalise what MIL does, just carry on the way you are. It's their problem and not yours. Don't own it in any way.

Waiting to die at 65! They could be doing so much with their lives. It just tells me that they are unfulfilled sadly, and perhaps don't really know what to do.

Keep busy, ignore anything that comes your way as in remarks etc. Stay positive ?

Snap, half glass empty same as my mother in law, we only have to do small doses but are always in the wrong, just grin and don't take it to heart now ( I do snap occasionally but makes no difference) Good Luck, stay positive.

I have as little to do with my MIL as I can these days. Although I do all her shopping, bill paying etc to take the strain from him I insist DH delivers it (he works full time and is away Sun -Fri and can't stand the woman either!). She won't say anything to him as she knows he will bite back but when alone she has verbally attacked me quite viciously and last Christmas did so to our son, so he won't be alone with her either. She is extremely manipulative and demanding and when my lovely FIL died 15 years ago she expected me to be his replacement, ferrying her around, lifting things etc even though I was undergoing cancer treatment which had entailed extensive abdominal surgery and had a young son. When one test needed repeating she blurted out "what will happen to me if you.." - don't know whether she stopped because she realised how awful that was or because of the look on my face. Had I been her, my first thought would have been the impact on my son and how an 8 year old would cope with losing his mother, especially as he had lost 3 grandparents in the last 4 years. Anyway she manipulated me for years, moaned about how she had had a tragic life (it was idyllic) and often spoke of suicide in a round about way. Well one day I snapped when she came out with a comment about how many people would commit suicide, but don't because it's a stigma for the family left behind - so I just laughed and said "Oh, I don't know - some families might welcome it." She has never tried using the suicide threat to manipulate us since. I think by doing what I did I took the power away from her with that one. People can only manipulate us if we allow them to. I think you need to make a stand and show her you only have time for positive interaction and ignore her negativity, refuse to engage with it, she may well decide it's not worth the effort.