MIL - Advice needed

Newatthis I don't agree that MILs either love you ir hate you ...each situation is different!

MiL's either love you or hate you and there seems to be no middle ground. Most of it is born out of jealousy as some mums just can't bare to see their son love another woman and can't realise that he can love two - you and her.. There is lots of good advice here but it would seem that whatever you do is just not going to change things because it takes two to tango and she doesn't seem to want to dance!

Good luck Babybawn. At least you know you're far from alone and you can always come back on here for a good moan!

Just wanted to say thank you and there is a wealth of good advice on here. Sorry, I didn’t post back sooner, I’m new to granet so wasn’t sure how it worked.

I’m going to put some of the advice given into practice, will let you guys know how I get on post visit.
xxx

ReadheadedMommy – you’re right, I could possible change my reaction so instead of dreading their next trip, I’m going to try and be more positive about them coming to stay

Madgran77 – I feel like you and I are similar in nature and value the advice you’ve given

Starlady – despite my moaning on here, I am actually quite pleasant to my MIL, but it does get difficult. For example when I was talking to her sister we were actually in another room so I wasn’t excluding her, she just gets upset if she thinks I’m forming a bond with someone else over her, which is not the case… I’m Irish so will basically talk to the wall! Its behaviours like this that makes me think there is an underlying psychological issue and makes visits with her frustrating and exhausting. Also I had no problem hugging her or anything like that, many a night out with dinner and wine and all that, but she misses those experiences because she’s always complaining, being negative or thinking about how it’s going to end and she’ll be alone again. We could bend over backwards for her and there will always be an issue and that gets exhausting. As for moving home, my MIL thinks they should move into a care home, which I think at 65 is way too young. She also talks about moving here but until the mindset is right I don’t think they should move, everything would be too daunting for them.

Anya – I’m always up for a party 

Norah – I have factored in some of that, going to meet my gf’s for brunch on the Saturday, which I know is going to go down like a lead balloon with my MIL, but think it’s important if I’m to keep a pleasant relationship with her. Sadly my mum died suddenly last year, which was a whole other weird saga with my MIL, but her attitude of “you’ll have to keep the peace” will never be far away from my thoughts

NfkDumpling – totally agree, my MIL is her own worst enemy; she has few friends because I think her negativity just brings everyone down. Going on holiday with her is arduous. She constantly stresses and worries about everything and its exhausting rather than an enjoyable experience

Baggs – small family on his side and my family live in Ireland so I don’t have the reinforcements, good idea tho  I too don’t suffer fools gladly, but I love my husband and he loves his family and I don’t want this to become an issue for him so put up with what I can, take time out from what I can’t and tackle issues where I think she can make changes

Luckylegs9 – good advice, she complains about her DIL to her friends (I know this cause one of them brought it up with me and I felt very uncomfortable), I was thinking I might say that I never hear DIL say anything bad about her and maybe the relationship would improve if she had a more positive view of her (I know, the irony)

Jevive73 – my MIL doesn’t come from a culture where parents move in with the kids. Both her parents have passed and she didn’t care for them. Unfortunately she is just self-centred e.g. she had a fight with a work colleague and told my husband to find her somewhere to live now

Sandelf78a – solid advice and something my mother would have said 

Coconut – good advice and something I have done in the past, works sometimes but then sometimes I get stage 5 sulking from her

Joyfully – thanks for that, totally agree with that approach and you’re right, they are desperately unhappy, but when we make suggestions on how they can make their life more fun and interesting they’re not interested – not sure if its they’re afraid of change or just used to and happy being in their current state.

Benhamslc- nice to see I’m not alone in the boat

Caocao – I feel for you and on our last trip I realised that I needed to change tactic otherwise it was going to be a long and difficult life. For the most part now I ignore her negativity or joke about it, but I do need to be better at only engaging with positive interaction. I do go “yeah” or “mmm” or try to change the subject when she’s being negative but that doesn’t seem to work

Radicalan – my MIL is negative about anything and everything and worries about things that may never happen. When we went on holiday she got worked up because the staff at the hotel had not fixed a leaking tap in the ladies bathroom, there were 4 other working taps. She’s my husband’s mother and I will do my best to make the 10 days enjoyable, it’s just a shame that she won’t put the same effort in. I’m guessing you don’t have a difficult MIL, when my MIL was sick she wasn’t thinking about us, she was thinking about herself and how this unfortunate situation impacted her.

Coco51 – I’m so sorry that was your experience. I do worry that someday my husband will look back on their life with sadness and guilt, which I hope isn’t something kids with difficult parents do.

Sarahhelenwhitney – my BIL has two lovely kids, but it’s not without friction. On Christmas day they wanted them to visit so they could give them there presents, but they were cooking dinner for 20 people and never agreed to visit but might pop down if they got a chance. When they didn’t get a chance my MIL threw a strop and rang my husband because she was upset (my poor husband was stuck in Ireland with a grieving family, I’d just lost my mum so had to try and cheer him up and manage their expectations)

GoldenAge – my thoughts exactly, they are 65 not 95. All contact is done on his mobile. If he doesn’t respond then she sulks or bombards him with messages, that again is why I think there are underlying issues and if the mindset isn’t right then any suggestions we might make will either come back to haunt us or have a negative effect 

Nelliemaggs – this is music to my ears and is something I hope my husband will be able to do and no, I know it would be disastrous for us to have her live with us even thought that is what she wants

Harris27 – I feel you’re right

Cassandra264 – this is what we are trying to do, but they are looking at care homes because they want to be near the airport for when we come to visit. I’m like move to somewhere you’ll be happy and we can either meet up in another part of the world or we’ll travel further to meet you, but they don’t seem to like this idea…kind of like well we’ll need to move into a care home eventually attitude
Narrowboatnan – you sound like a lovely MIL

Willa54 –I’m going to hazard a guess that you don’t have a difficult MIL, my MIL wasn’t thinking about us when she was sick, she was thinking about herself. I had to distance myself or rather manage expectations for my own sanity, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t be married today. I have done all the things you’ve suggested, but nothing is ever enough. Unless she is with us 24/7 then she is never going to be happy and even then I doubt she would be happy

Rizlett – I don’t want to treat anyone like a child, adults should be adults and act responsibly but I do see what you mean

Maddy629 – I don’t think anyone on here is a MIL hater. I would give anything to have a loving relationship with my MIL, it would be far easier than this pretending malarkey

Kwest – sound advice. I think I did that a couple of visits back when my husband and I were just plain miserable in their company. Life is too short to be taken in by negativity. That said, they are his parents and we do have to/want to maintain a good relationship with the, I just wish she could learn not to be so self-centered and think about others

Norose4 – thank you, that’s good advice

I should add as well that I am a pretty straight talking person generally who "doesn't suffer fools gladly" as (the rather odd!!) phrase goes. With my MIL I realised that just straight talking wouldn't work, it created exactly the right "scenario" for her to be "upset"; sulking; hard done by etc etc! The previous responses I described gently put the onus and responsibility for her own behaviours and comments back on to her ...a more effective strategy! I have to say that maybe I should be a bit grateful because having "practised" this approach with MIL I found a version of it extremely useful when in charge of a huge team at work ...straightalking but within a context of people being responsible for their choices and for themselves and their work .... different but some similarities! Having worked for a boss previously who was exactly the opposite I learnt how NOT to do it and my experiences with MIL helped too!The same could be said now I am a MIL myself, although as I have mentioned in other threads, that relationship is a whole other story!! Ah well, good luck babybawn

babybawn yes the sulking did reduce considerably though not completely stop. I'm not sure that my MIL was depressed though...she certainly wasn't an easy personality and her families behaviours (probably the coping over many years) were certainly enablers for more of the same.

Momof3...my brother suffers from depression so I know how horrible an illness that is. She has a really negative outlook on life and I have suggested she tried to talk to someone and even bought her a mindfulness app for her phone so not sure there is much more I or anyone else can do for her.

Depression and crippling anxiety are mental illnesses not something that will be solved by her "being put in her place??". She does need to get help and not be enabled to avoid help

Jevive73...I'm not sure its a culturally thing, but I don't think she's grasped the concept that kids grow up and need to have their own lives. She seems to think that everyone should pander to her, if you know what I mean

Star lady, my MIL is most definitely depressed and suffers from crippling anxiety, most likely she has suffered from this all her life. The problem is that her family are enablers to her behavior, which makes it worse and allows her to behave in this way. I come from a family where we'll put each other in our places if the other one is being irrational or dramatic... a collision of two worlds I guess

baby awn glad you find the suggestions useful. Hope things work out ok.

sorry, I'm new to gransnet so not really sure how it works. Madgran thank you so much for you your advise and is something I have been trying these last few visits. I know MIL doesn't like the new approach, but it was not attainable for me to feel guilty and pander to her every need. It was exhausting and causing friction between my husband and I. With your own MIL did the sulking when you didn't pander to her eventually stop?

I do actually! I don't want to complain to my husband as I don't want to put that pressure on him.

I seem to remember a very similar post about a year ago. Perhaps it's the same girl (using a different name) about to be inflicted with an annual visit? Hopefully she's looked back at the thread even if not responding and has received courage from the replies.

She's certainly not alone!

No I don't think OP has returned. Lets hope if she has looked at the thread again, she has found something useful!!!

Another one?

Did the OP come back and respond?

I would say don't over think it, you are bogging yourself down trying to do the right thing, just live through it in a practical manner , you know like everyday things ,meals, shopping etc, whose going where etc , let your inner self float above it all. When she's gone have a big long soak in the bath , have a good old scream then pick up your own life again , good luck, stay strong

Choose your mood. Simple but effective.
When my life was full of difficulties my cousin gave me the best advice ever. "Don't be a victim". it was just what I needed to hear. I 'womaned up' and became determined to overcome the difficulties I was facing. People are drawn to enthusiasm and back away from negativity.
Choose your mood.

maddt629 I didn't hate my MIL, I just had to work out how we could relate when in other circumstances we would not have naturally developed a relationship! People commenting n a difficult relationship and how they have made it work doesn't translate into "hating"! Yes there are two sides to every story, I don'ts think anyone has suggested that there isn't! It is good that you don't have these issues to think about with your DIL!

Kim, Elrel

Oh my, so many mother in law haters. There are always two sides to every story. Happy to say I'm a mother in law and I get on well with my son in law and my daughter in law. No advice, I'm sorry to say.

Kim -I'll second that!

Agreed, Madgran!

Also, baby, Cassandra brought up the prospect of your ils moving - that makes a lot of sense to me. Why are they still living in a "dangerous part of the world?" And if it's so dangerous, why do they expect their ac and families to spend long periods there? Has dh or any of his siblings ever suggested that they move? What was the response?

I'm surprised by the comment about infuriating in this thread ....people have tried to be constructive , realistic and fair!!!