Appointment with Relate.

Sad to say the least. You say you stayed married for the financial reasons and your children sake dear oh dear what a toxic environment your poor children have been brought up in. It sounds like everyone else is in the wrong except you. I wonder what attracted you to him in the first place. There is absolutely no excuse for you to go without sex. A friend of ours husband told her he was no longer interested sex she told him that in that case she would find a part-time lover. It took her just 2 days she told a man she was cleaning for about her problems and they were having sex twice a week for 5 years, when he died he left her over £500,000. She now has a much larger house her husband lives in an annex in the grounds. She is 75 and is as happy as Larry. Instead of being bitter and twisted I would suggest you "Seek and you will find". I must admit that I do feel sorry for your husband. When I married my wife we made the vows IN Sickness and in Health. My wife is the only girlfriend I have ever had together 48 years married 46 I thank god for her every second of the day.

It would appear all the advice is from ladies, from a blokes
Prospective, and someone who has been in a similar situation due to the DW illness for the past 20 years plus. Over recent years I have thought of leaving, but what would our grown up CH think of me. Leaving to start afresh isn't that easy. Friends with benefits comes to mind, but I think
That's what younger people tend to do, or just walk away.
Don't know!! Best wishes to you

I think perhaps your husband feels that he has failed you, his health and the business,and the loss of all those things entailed. If he is kind and a ferociously hard worker then he has probably tried to make amends in his own way.

It must have been bitter for him to suffer those immense life blows, maybe he felt he wasn't worthy, maybe he was exhausted, he seems to have been open to you having lot of other life experiences.

I can see how disappointed you have been but he has been dealt a bad hand in life, I wonder how he would behave if the feelings were reversed?

I feel sadness for you both and wish you well.

Dear dear Floriatosca..... I thought I was alone in this situation ... my 'husband' made the same unilateral decision for us 22 years ago. No anything since . Doesn't touch me..kiss me... cuddle me... not even a kiss on our daughters wedding day. No concern for my two strokes... no concern for my 3 prolapsed discs... no concern when I had pneumonia. I just give .. give and give again. I now loathe him! There is no love left He's an a totally miserable man. We have not walked up our road together since 2002!!! We don't go out for lunch we don't socialise . Friends don't ask me to bar-b-cues or parties or outings as they know he won't go and I'll be odd one out. It's an intolerable situation . He made sure I never had/ kept my own money and in consequence I can't leave.. I worked mostly full time for 43 years of our marriage and put every penny into the joint account which he controlled. I even had to ask permission to buy clothes for myself. He made decision as to wether I NEEDED them or not.Like you I'm hoping against hope that he goes first and leaves me a few years on my own. Nobody who has not lived these men can imagine how your esteem plummets until you think ther is actually something WRONG with you. Unlike you though Floriatosca I'm not looking for anybody else. I've kicked men into touch . I was brought up to be 'once bitten..twice shy' and I've learned my lesson. Like you though every time I see him he annoys me... he makes me irritable. He also buys me sloppy cards to make folk think he's a good husband. 45 years of my life given up to this and no end in sight. Sod relate! Just go if you can!

Sorry about all the exclamation marks...

I am wondering how Floriatosca is responding to these posts!

Why is it that men can only think of sex in the terms of genital penetration? Perhaps we don't tell them that hugs and kisses are sometimes enough? I think that many men who become impotent through disease or diabetes are ashamed and think they are no longer 'men' and dare not touch their partner for fear they may be expected to do something they are no longer able to.

It is probably too late to change this man but there are others jout there! It is not too late to find someone really lovely!

Thank you all for your kind words of support and kind encouraging "home truths" - all gratefully received. Of course there is a lot behind my situation. 14 years ago we had just taken over a huge business, which despite heroic hard work and efforts the bank chose to foreclose on as the recession hit. (The bankers involved are now in prison but it is little consolation now). We were left penniless. Our mortgage subsequently is interest only so very little equity when we sell.

I got used to the situation. My husband became tearfully and stressed when I approached him in an effort to resolve matters so that did not work.

I only have my state pension which is used for housekeeping and a very small work pension. We do have funds from my husband's pension and this enables us to live moderately comfortably, have a second hand car and very occasional weekend breaks.

Long ago I decided to make a life for myself and am extremely active in taking classes, just signed up for two evening classes. I regularly go to the cinema, theatre, exhibitions on my own (when funds allow). I have good friends and we meet up regularly. I am most certainly not wasting away on my own.

I would just dearly love a like minded spouse. One with whom I could share some interests. My husband has not a single hobby or interest in the world and to me he leads a very solitary life, but each to their own. I have tried hundreds of times to find things/hobbies/volunteering for him to do - to totally no avail.

If the people who know me read my post I think they would not believe me. Outwardly I am a great motivator and encourager of people. I manically fill every day of my life being busy with lots of interests.

The family dynamics were such that I could not/cannot now afford to live alone. I no longer love my husband but admit he has always been kind to me in other ways. He has been a ferociously hard worker all his life. He recently had a life changing illness, getting better now but cannot wipe out fifty years of life together.

I just want to be able to handle the anger and resentment I feel. Keeping busy and involved helps but inside I am sad, and hope Relate may help me.

Hooty, you sound like a very kind, caring person. But maybe it's time to be kind to yourself. Leave your husband and let him go into a nursing home. As long as he's being cared for, why would it matter that it's not by you? As I said to Floria, if death (his or yours) seems like the only solution to you, that can't be good for either of you.

Has either of you had any kind of counseling? Would he go? Would you? Maybe you want to do that first. But please don't just accept the situation as it is. (((Hugs)))

Oh, sorry, I meant "14 years ago," not "20."

Now Iv read the other posts and see that many have asked why you haven't left him. Finances? Kids? Your damaged self-esteem? Knowing the answer may help you see what you need to do next.

Oldwoman made some very good points, imo. But again, it may be too late for anything, as you say you don't love the man.

Let us know how your Relate appt goes.

Whew! Without having read the other posts, my first reaction is why not leave him now instead of waiting for him to die? You may/may not find another relationship, but you won't have to be irritated so much. If you're hoping the man will die, it really isn't fair to either of you if you stay.

Idk why you didn't leave when you were advised to 20 years ago. What's holding you back?

It must have been very hard for him to have found himself impotent all those years ago. Back then, I think you should have been more sympathetic. Maybe your apparent lack of concern for his feelings is why he didn't show much concern for yours after your surgeries (sorry about those, hope they were successful), etc.

Maybe that card was his attempt to start over, but I don't blame you for not accepting it after all these years without affection and intimacy. It may be too late to start over.

Very wise to go back to Relate. Hope your appt goes well. And hope they, eventually, give you advice you're willing to take.

I could have written most of that too as I am in a similar situation. Except my husband is severely disabled with a progressive disease and I feel totally trapped, he cannot do anything for himself at all and relies on me. I would have gone long ago had he not been disabled. He can be very nasty, twists things I say and continually repeats things back at me for months and months, and also blames all his woes on me. I can't see an end to it and wish myself dead most of the time, although sometimes him! Wish I could leave but he'd have to go in a nursing home and I can't do that.

By the way I speak as someone who has been in a similar situation and I got out

Realistically you can't blame him anymore - 14 years ago you got good advice but did not act on it so in my opinion you now only have yourself to blame. It's the easy option to stay, we are all responsible for our own happiness.

I am also a 68 female, now happily single after a 20 odd year marriage ended. The only person who can stop you having a happy and unfulfilled life, is yourself. Strike out on your own dear, you've more than paid your dues in this relationship.

New to posting ....

maybe money is your worry... you don't see how you could live financially on your own...

then begin to plan a life whilst living in the same house...

the time is obviously ripe for a bit of plain talking...
be brave and actually get the speech prepared in your head / or write it in your notes to help clarify what you want to say..
and to blurt out when appropriate.. when you have prepared...

an extra bank account could be helpful... a savings account or just spending...
doesn't have to be much but if you have on line banking it should be relatively straightforward to regularly transfer some spare money into another account.... your own account .

join various groups... lots of groups... get out there... find more friends... exercise ... walk ... swim... all helpful for depression and apathy...
jolt yourself into something quite new ...
challenge your social self... volunteer ...

I personally have found writing out my thoughts and plans and hopes for the future .. very fruitful as they can be adjusted as time rolls on....with a computer it is easier than writing a diary...

But do something.... just one thing... be brave and actually do it...
then you can do another.... and make your future your own...

This could have been me too. DH is very much older than me and our sex life ended years ago which made me very resentful and sorry for myself. My first husband died after we had been married for two years and i felt I had missed out on a happy sex life. Marrying again was a mistake. We are good friends but there has never been the passion. I stayed as I didn't want to ruin my children's lives and lose the friendship of my dear stepchildren. Now there are other problems too but they need a post of their own! Leave while you can, before you end up having to care for him and then you really will be trapped!

Hoping he will die (which is a not uncommon way to think when you want to get out of a bad situation without the physical and financial upheavel of a divorce) is a very strong sign that for your own mental well being you need to make a complete break. You need to take stock of your financial situation, consult with citizens' advice or whatever, and find a way to leave him, if not you are likely to have a mental breakdown. I know what it is like to not receive any affection, and even if you leave him and never make another relationship, at least you will not feel as though you are in a prison that has shut the door on other possibilities. Once you have made the break, think about getting a dog or cat - endless affection, especially from the former.

Whilst I agree with the various suggestions that Floriatosca (do you belong to an Opera Society like I used to, with a name like that?) should leave her husband, there is the practical difficulty of finances. At 68 she may only have her State Pension and hubby probably wouldn't feel like financing her until it had all been to court, which again is a costly business. Would she be able to find a job at her age to support herself? It seems to me that she is stuck there, and perhaps should see the Anniversary Card as a Peace Offering and try to meet him half way. Hopefully she has outside interests, so that her life isn't entirely centred round no sex.

But of course if she has money and can afford to rent somewhere and keep herself then she should high tail it out as soon as poss!

I may have missed something here as some posts I have only skim read, but you say you have three children. Have they been aware of the unhappiness you have been carrying around with you for so much of your married life? Are they still in your life to offer support?

Floriatosca - this is a tragic situation but there is a way out for you provided you confront him and leave. I too have been in a sexless marriage for the past 10 years to a second husband whose mental health and need for control issues have left our marriage totally devoid of intimate contact. The first 10 years were OK but not great, but after an enormous bust-up and two attempts at Relate, the sex stopped completely. The more I thought about it the more I realised that it had always been me initiating it, and he was never committed to satisfying my needs. The sex stopped because I had a period of illness which lasted six months during which time I was physically not up to it. Once I recovered, he had totally lost interest. Over these last years I have pondered many times why I have never called it a day but I have always been able to find several reasons - benefits from being with him and always had answers ... a certain level of support for me with an elderly parent, a good relationship with my kids and grandchildren who adore him, and companionship at an intellectual level. So, these things stop me from running off to find a new lover - and I too am approaching 68. However, from what you say there are no such benefits in your relation, so why are you staying? If I had none myself I would be out there, looking for sex!!

Probably going to get shot down for this but you both have to talk about this sometimes people don't know what they have till itsgone is this how your husband is going to feel i think you should go away for couple of weeks to give him a taste of what it's like without you you have had a life time together its worth fighting for one last chance

Hello! You need to be brave, understand you will have to go through difficulties, but get out as soon as you can. It's definitely not too late. You can live fairly separate lives in the same home. If you have a spare room move into it. Start to save a little. Join different clubs and groups (walking groups are good), U3A, a dancing team; anywhere where you will meet new people. You don't really need Relate to tell you something you already know. Above all don't feel guilty for 'hurting' him. You need to put yourself first- you've given him the best part of your life - now it's time to give something to yourself. Find a like-minded female friend and start to live. Good luck dear lady. Be strong. Sending a hug. xxx

I don't think you need to see Relate, I think you should see a solicitor! You have to take responsibility for your unhappiness because you chose to stay. Maybe you would feel less irritated with your husband if you looked at your part in this because, from your post, you sound as if you are looking at him as the protagonist. He is, in very many ways, as much a victim as you are. I am sure if you gave him a magic wand he'd go for a better libido and no diabetes. I understand how both of you feel. I have no libido and my husband doesn't really do affection without wanting more. It's a chicken and egg situation as I feel even less like having sex without lots of affection. However, I do reassure him daily that I still love him as much as ever and it isn't his fault, it is purely biological with the diabetes and medication I take.

I don't think the lack of sex here is the problem. It is the lack of affection and communication.
My husband became impotent due to Parkinson's but, he remained affectionate and living.
This sounds like a non- marriage and she needs to decide either to stay and put up with it, as she has for many years, or get out and make a new life.

I understand! ( saying no more about me ). And I can relate to grannyannal too!
Think. It's the lack of affection I bet u really miss, as someone else said there are sex toys. Right, decide if u want to stay or go. If stay, make some plans. Deliberately open yourself to new directions, socially. Meet folk. Try once more to talk to your husband about the lack of affection. If it doesn't work out u know u ve done ur best. Could he have aspergers? Get yourself more independent, a personal bank account, a day a week you go out and do whatever u want. I walk with friends. It's not too late, I'm 68. But make decisions and plans now. If u stay, incorporate some activities just for u. Good luck.