Appointment with Relate.

I hope your appointment goes well - at 68 it is still possible to enjoy a happy and fulfilled life - don't give up - my thoughts are with you

That's a very sad story.
I sincerely hope you find happiness and fulfilment in the coming years.

Your last counsellor 14 years ago helped you but you took no notice of their advice so why should this be any different? You have chosen to stay in a loveless, not just sexless, but loveless marriage for 49 years You dislike (maybe worse) the man you live with if you haven't had the courage to leave in a lifetime why would you now? If it has been as bad as you say neither children or finances would have stopped you from beginning again, but your own head has
I feel really sorry for you and for your husband too it sounds like a empty marriage and two wasted lives I truely hope you can both find some peace in your last years it's never too late to change but this has become an entrenched habit of empty acceptance and both you and the counsellor will have some very hard work to do
Ask yourself what stops you walking away at this very minute ?

Bluebelle's post might sound harsh, but I was thinking a little along the same lines myself.

Like her I feel sorry tha two lives have been so unfulfilled and I hope you do find something better than your present existence.

Just want to say that 68 is not too late for excellent sex with the right man! Not too late for anything actually. There's a whole new life waiting for you out there if you'll just take the first step.

I truely didn't mean it to be harsh but sometimes the truth has to be said to make any impact on a persons thinking
Whilst I could have written ahh poor you (and thinking about it maybe that's what Floria wanted to hear) it would have achieved nothing so I truely apologise if it was too hurtful for you Floria
By posting on here I presume you want some constructive advice and not just a bunch of virtual flowers there are always ways to change until your last breath but you have to be prepared to step into the unknown and at any age that is SO difficult to do, don't I know it and a 49 year old habit is going to be extremely hard to break but can be done with hard work and the ability to connect with your counsellor
Good luck

Don't worry BB I agree that there are times for plain speaking. Trouble is, you might get a lot of flack from some posters - I certainly do if I suggest taking a good look at your own part in a situation!!!

Yes - I wondered why you don't just leave now? Presumably the children are grown up. You might be worse off financially but that's got to be better than the miserable existence you describe here. I feel sorry for your OH too, as he can't be happy either and the fact he can't express his emotions may have deep roots. He gave you a card so obviously does think of you. Don't just wish the poor chap dead, be proactive and do something constructive about this situation.

I agree with BlueBelle and suzied do something constructive about your situation or make the best of what you have now. You are both unhappy it seems, don't waste any more time on what might have been, make some changes now.

What I needed to read today. This is what has been a fear of mine that I may land up like you are feeling.

All I can say is... If you aren't committed to finding ways to rekindle the love, then you should leave.

It has been very wrong of him to disregard your feelings but also he cannot be held responsible for getting this awful diagnosis of diabetes.

I hope you find the love that you deserve. We all deserve to be loved. To FEEL loved. To KNOW we are loved.

I would say leave this is your life unless underneath it all you really do love him you can go on spare room site and find somewhere or rent a house and begin again it's never too late join meets up and go out

You don't say whether you have actually discussed this with your husband. If he is impotent it may be he feels that any show of affection would result in your expecting sex. Yes there are other ways to satisfy you without sex but does he know what they are? I was lucky to have had a satisfying sex life with my late husband but the things I miss are the little shows of affection, his smile when I walked into a room, the unexpected hugs even just holding hands or cuddles whilst watching TV. I truly hope you find a way to be happy.

A friend of a friend who is in her early 70s has finally got together with someone from her walking group. She lived at home for many years, first as housekeeper for and then nursing her widowed father.

She is deliriously happy and getting married in a few months. She is enjoying an excellent sex life by all accounts!

It just shows it is never too late!

what i don't understand is how a husband could unilaterally decide that a marriage would be sexless and refuse to discuss it? perhaps it is just me, but i wouldn't let that happen. i would keep talking about it?? were you open and honest with dh about your feelings all along? about your need to be told he loves you? told he cares? does he love you or why the card??

Floriatosca , See your therapist. Perhaps make small steps towards independence. Open your own bank account. Start to save your own money. Perhaps go away to stay with a friend for a day or two. Build up your confidence.
Join something new. Escape.

68 is not to old to start again. Please go and find the happiness you deserve...a whole new life awaits you...a happy life.

Your self esteem is not beyond repair. Your confidence is low because you have continued in a loveless marriage. Does he care for you in any other way? The question would be, what makes you stay in this relationship. You say you were advised to leave 14 years ago. What stopped you leaving. Did you think he would change or are you afraid to be on your own? Some people do stay in relationships, 'better the devil you know' kind of thing which is understandable, but does not change the fact that you need love and reassurance. 14 years ago he should have gone for therapy. Relate is not therapy, and a qualified therapist especially someone who is experienced, would have advised and suggested he was caring and kind and stop being self obsessed about his own problems. Do you think he has been happy in the marriage from the start? Where you?

It's not too late to start again, and find friends who do care for you and love you. Don't give up wanting a better life. There is but one of it. So sad to end ones life with sadness and regret that things could be different. The past is not the full story of your life, change the story and change the meaning. ?

I'm so sorry for you, but if DH has a low libido, that's not his fault. Maybe your Relate counselling failed because he can't cope with not being able to satisfy. I do feel that you should have accepted and read his letter with an open mind and good grace. My DH and I did have a good sex life, but now if I so much as touch him I catch him in an intolerably painful spot (he has chronic pain issues) and we have slipped into a companionable marriage, but still adore one another and wouldn't be apart for all the tea in China. Sex isn't the be-all-and-end-all and I'm sorry if you feel that I'm being insulting if I say that I think you are being unreasonable. Your marriage vows (did you use the For better for worse etc?) expect both of you to make sacrifices for the sake of growth in your relationship. You need to start talking to one another, and maybe he could see if the doctor can advise you both. Good luck - hope you can sort this out.

Do you not see the irony in your sentence that you are waiting for him to die to give you the freedom you feel you deserve, even now at this late date you cannot take responsibility for your own happiness you are waiting for him to do it for you, by dying

Prue Leith met a wonderful someone when she was aged 74. And other people I know have happily met their other half when both were over 65.

Would you be happier on your own in a smaller house or flat with less weekly spending money?

Sounds as though your appointment with Relate could be the beginning of a new life, if that is what you want. Do hope it goes well. ?

Sometimes it's hard to make that massive step into the unknown. My situation is the same, and as much as I wish it was over its not that easy, plus he has 'rights' apparently.
But you can find love, friendship and enjoy new things.
You just need to be brave. You left him really a long time ago. It's just a matter of taking the first giant step.

I could have written this post, so I think I know exactly how you feel. 30 sexless years now. The reason I didn't leave was that my confidence and self-esteem were so low I just couldn't do it. Sounds crazy if you've never endured it, but if your husband doesn't want you, then you feel like a very uninteresting and unloveable person. My counsellor suggested I leave too, but I didn't. Then suddenly, out of the blue, someone else took an interest in me. I had an amazing fling! My self-esteem improved, I lost weight, got a better job, started going out on my own and felt happy again. Then my affair ended. I was sad, but I got over it, and realised that actually the problem with my marriage wasn't me, as I'd always imagined, it was him. Armed with that understanding, I chose to stay. Yes, there have been many times when I've been angry and resentful, but I made my decision because we're still friends, and sex really isn't everything - I have a collection of sex toys for my own needs. It's not perfect, but it works well enough for me. I do hope you find a solution that works for you.

Why are you paying a stranger to give you permisssion in some form to leave a marriage as hopeless as yours appears to be?

You have alredy been down that route 14 years ago and still did nothing. What is it that holds you there?

It seems to me that there is some uncharted territory here and maybe you aren't being honest with yourself. Your huband's physical problems seem to have dictated the lack of sex within your marriage, would that really have been what he wanted, maybe he just felt totally demoralised when life dealt him a bitter blow. Marriage is in 'sickness and in health', how would you feel if you had been the one unable to continue with sex?

If you really want to leave, cancel your appointment and spend the money you save on your bus fare out of there.

You should have left him 20 years ago (having allowed him a decent grace period of 5 years to try and work out how to give you what you need and deserve)