Appointment with Relate.

We all need affection. It doesn't have to be full sex but a life without the touch of someone you love and are in a relationship with is not a life.
I blame no one for finding intimacy outside of a marriage/relationship where one partner either can't provide or has no interest in what should be part of the union between two adults.

You have also contributed to your present state of affairs by staying in the marriage. I ended up divorced with an eight year old and five year old. Financially it was extremely difficult , I had no family to fall back on as my parents died when I was in my early twenties. I managed to find work around school hours , not a job I'd want for ever but I needed the cash. Once my children were in secondary education I was able to get a better job to suit my needs. I was very lucky to have some wonderful friends that helped to support me in many ways. Both my children went on to further education , they both have good jobs and now their own families. I'm proud if them and a little bit proud of me too. Despite being financially poor I'm happy and not bitter. You have given yourself a life of bitterness and unhappiness because you were worried about the lack of money .

Hello, your post saddened me for 2 reasons. I feel so sorry for you, but you are never too late to start another relationship and it sounds like you have a lot of love to give. I hear myself say these words, yet I now realise this is also my status at present. In 2006 I met a man and life was fantastic. Holding hands, lovely caring sex and loads of laughs. I had a previous failed marriage, but 2 lovely daughters. Only 6 months after meeting, sex was something that was over very quickly. I tried to talk about it and he said he did not get aroused like he did when we first met. I tried to rekindle those feelings but to no avail. I also blamed myself, as I felt I was not enough. Nevertheless we had a loving relationship and shared lots in common. I kidded myself that one day we would just spontaneously have sex. But nothing. We married in 2012, the day before my 50th birthday. However, we did't make love on our wedding night or even cuddle. As time went by I get a ritual peck on the lips if he goes out or if he thinks about it, before we go to sleep. If I went to him for a cuddle, he jokes around. When I have been depressed for some reason, there is no comfort. He will listen to me, but that is as far as it goes. We now even sit on separate sofa's. I know that sounds weird, but often in the evenings we would just sit on the sofa leaning on each-other or with our legs entwined etc. I'm 55 and have a very young outlook. The times I have started a conversation to deal with the subject, well my efforts have now dried up. He has never mistreated me, but there are other ways to hurt somebody. I believe that he thinks that as I no longer talk about our relationship, I must be happy with it. I know I love him because otherwise I know I would just walk out. Love really is not enough. I am very confused and worn out.

There are so many gems of good advice in these posts. Perhaps you need the counsellor to offer a little courage. The low libido is the key, diabetes takes away the erection that is all, as you say there are many other ways to ensure a woman has a climax, there is an Egyptian saying: A gentleman does not leave a ladies bed until she has had more pleasure than he. In my early 70's again I have a new man, after being widowed twice, but you have to learn to be me and not we, this is hard, your female friends are sometimes rocks in both senses if the word. Also reading up to date sexual advice books helps. When you are free, you will need to reach out to find another man, this may be via the Internet, there are as many fragile men out there as us women. It is not marriage and children we are seeking, but affection, caring and sharing, you will be possibly shy about the more intimate aspects, but with all that pent up affection you will be off to a good start. Have a wonderful time.

I've also picked up on the fact that you are waiting for your husband tp die so you can be free. I'm wondering if there is a cultural or religious aspect to this in that you fear the shame being divorced would bring.

You also said your husband sentenced you to a celibate life as a result of his diabetes. I think that is a very harsh statement. The poor man did not choose to be diabetic.

I'm sorry if i'm reading your post wrong but the entire theme is one where you portray yourself as the victim. Years ago Relate helped you reach the conclusion that the marriage was over (counsellors never actively tell you what to do) yet you did not act on this so I fail to see why you think this time it will be any different.
Change is possible at any age and yes it does involve huge upheavel but surely you don't to get another 20 years down the line and be even more filled with regret than you are now.

Not always so easy just to leave though is it?Money plays a big part, for instance, if your house was to be sold and savings halved between you, would you still be able to buy, say, a one bedroom flat each?If not, you can't leave.
The alternative is to lead more or less separate lives in the same house, with own bedrooms.
I think you have been treated badly by your husband Floriatosca even if he can't help having a low libido, he could have at the very least given you hugs and kisses.

Time to start again. You can do it.

I can relate totally to your situation Floriatosca (dm me if you like). I spent many years beating myself up for not having the courage to leave (and listening to others' opinions whether asked for or not on what I should do) but, like you, I didn't for many reasons. Although not ideal (are there really many ideal relationships?), I have forged many good friendships and am now at 71 happier than I've been for years. I regard my husband as a house mate (we actually get on ok in that way, share similar attitudes towards money, both are vegetarian, etc and we have a comfortable life). We do family occasions together but generally 'do our own thing' otherwise - he's very involved in an organisation he started and I like to go out with friends to the theatre, lunch, weekends away. This wouldn't work for everybody I know but at my age, many friends are on their own anyway through divorce or widowhood and although I still miss having the affection and more of a close partner, don't feel so alone as I used to.

You should have left him 20 years ago (having allowed him a decent grace period of 5 years to try and work out how to give you what you need and deserve)

Why are you paying a stranger to give you permisssion in some form to leave a marriage as hopeless as yours appears to be?

You have alredy been down that route 14 years ago and still did nothing. What is it that holds you there?

It seems to me that there is some uncharted territory here and maybe you aren't being honest with yourself. Your huband's physical problems seem to have dictated the lack of sex within your marriage, would that really have been what he wanted, maybe he just felt totally demoralised when life dealt him a bitter blow. Marriage is in 'sickness and in health', how would you feel if you had been the one unable to continue with sex?

If you really want to leave, cancel your appointment and spend the money you save on your bus fare out of there.

I could have written this post, so I think I know exactly how you feel. 30 sexless years now. The reason I didn't leave was that my confidence and self-esteem were so low I just couldn't do it. Sounds crazy if you've never endured it, but if your husband doesn't want you, then you feel like a very uninteresting and unloveable person. My counsellor suggested I leave too, but I didn't. Then suddenly, out of the blue, someone else took an interest in me. I had an amazing fling! My self-esteem improved, I lost weight, got a better job, started going out on my own and felt happy again. Then my affair ended. I was sad, but I got over it, and realised that actually the problem with my marriage wasn't me, as I'd always imagined, it was him. Armed with that understanding, I chose to stay. Yes, there have been many times when I've been angry and resentful, but I made my decision because we're still friends, and sex really isn't everything - I have a collection of sex toys for my own needs. It's not perfect, but it works well enough for me. I do hope you find a solution that works for you.

Sometimes it's hard to make that massive step into the unknown. My situation is the same, and as much as I wish it was over its not that easy, plus he has 'rights' apparently.
But you can find love, friendship and enjoy new things.
You just need to be brave. You left him really a long time ago. It's just a matter of taking the first giant step.

Prue Leith met a wonderful someone when she was aged 74. And other people I know have happily met their other half when both were over 65.

Would you be happier on your own in a smaller house or flat with less weekly spending money?

Sounds as though your appointment with Relate could be the beginning of a new life, if that is what you want. Do hope it goes well. ?

Do you not see the irony in your sentence that you are waiting for him to die to give you the freedom you feel you deserve, even now at this late date you cannot take responsibility for your own happiness you are waiting for him to do it for you, by dying

I'm so sorry for you, but if DH has a low libido, that's not his fault. Maybe your Relate counselling failed because he can't cope with not being able to satisfy. I do feel that you should have accepted and read his letter with an open mind and good grace. My DH and I did have a good sex life, but now if I so much as touch him I catch him in an intolerably painful spot (he has chronic pain issues) and we have slipped into a companionable marriage, but still adore one another and wouldn't be apart for all the tea in China. Sex isn't the be-all-and-end-all and I'm sorry if you feel that I'm being insulting if I say that I think you are being unreasonable. Your marriage vows (did you use the For better for worse etc?) expect both of you to make sacrifices for the sake of growth in your relationship. You need to start talking to one another, and maybe he could see if the doctor can advise you both. Good luck - hope you can sort this out.

Your self esteem is not beyond repair. Your confidence is low because you have continued in a loveless marriage. Does he care for you in any other way? The question would be, what makes you stay in this relationship. You say you were advised to leave 14 years ago. What stopped you leaving. Did you think he would change or are you afraid to be on your own? Some people do stay in relationships, 'better the devil you know' kind of thing which is understandable, but does not change the fact that you need love and reassurance. 14 years ago he should have gone for therapy. Relate is not therapy, and a qualified therapist especially someone who is experienced, would have advised and suggested he was caring and kind and stop being self obsessed about his own problems. Do you think he has been happy in the marriage from the start? Where you?

It's not too late to start again, and find friends who do care for you and love you. Don't give up wanting a better life. There is but one of it. So sad to end ones life with sadness and regret that things could be different. The past is not the full story of your life, change the story and change the meaning. ?

68 is not to old to start again. Please go and find the happiness you deserve...a whole new life awaits you...a happy life.

Floriatosca , See your therapist. Perhaps make small steps towards independence. Open your own bank account. Start to save your own money. Perhaps go away to stay with a friend for a day or two. Build up your confidence.
Join something new. Escape.

what i don't understand is how a husband could unilaterally decide that a marriage would be sexless and refuse to discuss it? perhaps it is just me, but i wouldn't let that happen. i would keep talking about it?? were you open and honest with dh about your feelings all along? about your need to be told he loves you? told he cares? does he love you or why the card??

A friend of a friend who is in her early 70s has finally got together with someone from her walking group. She lived at home for many years, first as housekeeper for and then nursing her widowed father.

She is deliriously happy and getting married in a few months. She is enjoying an excellent sex life by all accounts!

It just shows it is never too late!

You don't say whether you have actually discussed this with your husband. If he is impotent it may be he feels that any show of affection would result in your expecting sex. Yes there are other ways to satisfy you without sex but does he know what they are? I was lucky to have had a satisfying sex life with my late husband but the things I miss are the little shows of affection, his smile when I walked into a room, the unexpected hugs even just holding hands or cuddles whilst watching TV. I truly hope you find a way to be happy.

I would say leave this is your life unless underneath it all you really do love him you can go on spare room site and find somewhere or rent a house and begin again it's never too late join meets up and go out

What I needed to read today. This is what has been a fear of mine that I may land up like you are feeling.

All I can say is... If you aren't committed to finding ways to rekindle the love, then you should leave.

It has been very wrong of him to disregard your feelings but also he cannot be held responsible for getting this awful diagnosis of diabetes.

I hope you find the love that you deserve. We all deserve to be loved. To FEEL loved. To KNOW we are loved.

I agree with BlueBelle and suzied do something constructive about your situation or make the best of what you have now. You are both unhappy it seems, don't waste any more time on what might have been, make some changes now.

Yes - I wondered why you don't just leave now? Presumably the children are grown up. You might be worse off financially but that's got to be better than the miserable existence you describe here. I feel sorry for your OH too, as he can't be happy either and the fact he can't express his emotions may have deep roots. He gave you a card so obviously does think of you. Don't just wish the poor chap dead, be proactive and do something constructive about this situation.