Appointment with Relate.

This is so sad. First of all, my sil left her husband of 40 years to live with a younger man, she is STILL not happy. There is an element of regret about what she has done, but the clock cannot now be turned back, so please think carefully.

Feelings of anger and irritation towards your husband will continue to grow if you allow them, and this is clearly having an effect on you. Making time for yourself to start up a new hobby may give you some solitary thoughtful space to think about yourself and rest your mind.

Secondly, diabetes is a very difficult disease to have and control and can account for behaviour changes and loss of confidence. It may well be that your husband feels unable to satisfy you and feels too awkward and embarrassed to try now. There are some people who find it difficult to express emotions, but that may not mean he feels nothing for you. A birthday card is some form fondness otherwise that too would be forgotten.

Even talking to the GP and obtaining medication for erectile disfunction may just be too much to bear. He may well feel like a failure to you in his eyes.

Perhaps trying to understand these difficulties might help you.

I wish you well and hope you can begin to find some happiness in your life. xx

Did you have children from a previous relationship ?

I find that both radicalnan and judypark are pretty much on my wave length on this and as Judy says it does seem to be very much about only you Floriatosca. The guys who have posted on here echo my own thoughts as well as those of my DH.

It is truly amazing what a bit of positivity can do to any relationship. Thanking somebody, paying compliments, doing something particularly kind, making something special for them, even just smiling pleasantly. It actually engenders a positive response from the recipient - after the initial amazement and probably sarcky comments if, up until then, you have been less than pleasant. Never think that this is or will be easy because it isn't but it coukd make your life much better. In the end you will discover that you remember why you married him/her in the first place!

When we all made those promises on our wedding day it is very doubtful that any of us thought that we would actually have to deliver on them but the longer we are married the more likely this will be. Illness as well as disappointments in life can cause great stress which in turn can make people cross and unhappy and therefore less than pleasant to be with - unless you decide to take positive action to turn this around. This positivity also includes not saying or thinking anything negative about him/her or the situation you are in. It has to be "we two against the world" because neither of you can do it on your own but working together makes a big difference to you both.

Try to cultivate empathy and think how all of this impacts him/her because you can be certain that if one half of the marriage is unhappy then so is the other. Your thinking should not be just on self but improvement for both. I can just hear the gasps of disbelief at what I am about to say next but here goes anyway! Try making a big apology and asking if you can do some bridge building and working out what would make you both happier.

A staged approach to this whole strategy is key in that the positivity should be going on for a good month before the apology is undertaken since this will lay a good foundation for mutual respect and acceptance. This really does work and I have seen some very positive results from it.

I hope all went well for you today, however, as you state you can't change your situation so maybe you need help in changing your mindset towards your position.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may help?
I find it odd that in your OP you stated "he has unkindly and uncaringly treated me" in a later posting you describe him to be "always kind in other ways". So exactly what do you want?
This poor bloke is as unhappy as you, if not more so, it must be hell living with someone who is so vitriolic and senses that they wish them dead.
Your post is all about you.

I hope your Relate appointment helps to clarify things in your head. They are there as much to help with achieving a good separation as saving a relationship.

Don't be afraid to strike out on your own - you may feel like you will go backwards as far as living conditions or financial stability - but your peace of mind and emotional well being will soar.

This is just a thought. Is your husband a type 2 diabetic?. Read somewhere that comfort eating and stress can bring this on. And your husband has had plenty to feel depressed and stressed about.
Is he at all overweight ? And does he exercise ever? Perhaps taking him out for a brisk walk each morning might help? I suppose you will say he would not go.
Perhaps even a trip to GP about his mood.....

This is difficult. I have one friend who hs been married and divorced 3 times and now lives on her own. Another friend stayed with her husband with a disappointing sex life,had 2 sons is still with him but is bitter and disappointed. I find it hard to say which took the better route.
I suppose whatever you do is a gamble.
Keep talking to us , Floriatosca. Sounds pathetic but have you tried having a dog? They can give you a lot of affection and taking it out for walks, you might meet someone.

Kind thoughts to everyone who is struggling in their relationships. Hope you can all find a solution.

I used to think Relate was all about 'saving' marriages, but I learned that it can also help marriages to 'end well.'

Best wishes to you and I hope you are helped to find the solutions you need.

Floria your second post casts your husband, and your life, in a better light.

As others have said, I really don't know what another brief visit to Relate will achieve - perhaps many years ago you should have undergone extensive psychotherapy to help you deal with the situation, as you were not prepared to leave the marriage.

And why let him find out that you're going to Relate by way of him seeing the credit card statement - sounds unnecessarily cruel.

If you've been on GN for some time you will see that there are very many members who are living with miserable, friendless, unaffectionate, anti-social, hobby-less, non-soulmates.

Just like you, for whatever reason, they decided to put up with it and let the decades pass - such a waste of two lives IMO. As for wishing him dead to solve your problem ....

You are just two different mismatched people who, by the sound of it, should never have got together in the first place. I feel sorry for you, but much more sorry for your husband and children. It is everyone's right to have some happiness and I hope you all get through this.

Don't think its the impotence which is the problem specifically. It seems with most of the posters its the lack of affection and closeness. Sex does not have to be penetrative as others have said, there are so many ways to achieve satisfaction. There is an issue with men over impotence and perceived lack of ' manliness' when really cuddles, kisses and a bit of inventiveness is all that is needed. It's a shame this idea still persists.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

Sorry, but this ones above me, I just wish the poster good luck and hope that she eventually finds happiness, can't fault her choice of music though.

Why did you stay with a man who no longer loved you? Any advice given here would be ignored and anyway you know what you need to do, leave him. Easier said than done? Maybe but if you want the chance to be happy again this is what you need to do.

Saggi, imo, you also need to seek help from Relate or something like that. You shouldn't have to live with low self-esteem the rest of your life. It sounds as if you're married to a very controlling man, and you need to learn how to heal the damage he has done to you inside.

If I were you, I would also speak to a solicitor and see if there is any way to gain back some control over the money you have earned over the years. Once you do that, maybe you can leave, if that's what you decide you want to do.

Bruff, I feel for you, as well. But here's a thought - What if your ch know your marriage isn't what it once was and think you both would be happier apart? What if they think less of you for staying in a sham marriage? Maybe not. But my point is, you don't know what they think now or would think if you left. Imo, one can't make decisions based on what grown ch MIGHT think. One has to do what's best for oneself and one's spouse (and being in a loveless marriage may not be "best" for dw anymore than it is for you). Think about it.

Hooty, I'm glad you spoke up and he's acted better since then. Maybe you need to do that more often. But I wouldn't rule out leaving.

"I would just dearly love a like minded spouse. One with whom I could share some interests."

But you don't - and you won't have a chance of anything close to that unless you either leave him or have an affair.

Barring those 2 options, imo, you are wise to pursue your interests on your own. You've made friends this way who share those interests surely? Maybe you'll have to be satisfied with that?

That inner sadness worries me though. So again, I'm glad you're going to Relate. Hopefully, they can help you learn to manage your feelings and find some joy in the life you have. Best wishes!

It is so demoralising to have a partner who is impotent. Especially one who thinks all is well. There are so many things that could be done to keep a lady happy but they dont seem able to think of that. If they cant no-one else is going to have any pleasure.
It is not always about the actual sex, the closeness and affection goes a long way. I left, not just because of the impotence but it was part of the reason It was hard. I had to live in an area I would not have chosen. I had several jobs and a child still at home. It may not have been easy but rather this way than to have spent another 20 years in those circumstances.
I just love that saying. "A gentleman does not leave a lady's bed until she has had more pleasure than he". Maybe sons should be told that before they are allowed out after dark!

Hooty I think you should put him in a home and get some happyiness from life. I've been thinking bout leaving my situation and living in a house bus. I could park it in a comune! Always wanted to be a hippy.

It's never to late to make a fresh start. You are not getting what you want from this marriage and he clearly is not unduly concerned about your feelings. Go, and find happiness while you can, we only live once.

I hope you get some advice from your counsellor, it isnt as easy as many people here have said, to leave.There are lots of issues to face before doing so, you need the courage to take the final step, and only you can make the decision, I wish you luck with your new life when it happens.

Starlady I have never told anyone how I feel. I have 'my face' I put on for on for others. I was near the end of my tether last week, one morning he decided it was my fault he could no longer stand up and that he could last year (he hasn't been able to stand for at least 6 years) and was really horrible to me. After a few days I gave him the phone and said, here phone your mother and arrange to go and live with her, you obviously hate being here with me. (There's no way he could go there really, she's over 90, her house is pretty inaccessible for a wheelchair and she lives in ireland!). He's been a bit better since!

If you set yourself a goal , say a date a year or six months ahead , and start planning and saving, imagine how that will lift your spirits and give you a goal to aim for , so that as that time approaches you can hold your head up and walk away into a new life that you have set up for yourself
You are in charge of your own destiny , nobody can make you stay
So plan it, aim for it, and do it!
Good luck , lesser women than you have done it you owe it to yourself

Saggy,felt sad when I read your post. Surely there must be some way you can reap back some of the money you earned. Is there no family you could turn to. I've just ended a 14 year loveless relationship,no intimacy or hugs no support whatsoever in fact I was the one that was the rock in the relationship. I had enough when I caught him cheating. I'm on my own and loving every minute of it. Please try to look at ways to grab a better life for yourself and get some support. Keep us posted. Best wishes.

That is so lovely, good luck to you for a long future.