Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

I meant people i supported ?Don't always return it.

Having said that have had tremendous support from this thread from others for over 5 years,

It's very hard from both sides myself the estranged heartbroken 8th Xmas no daughter and grandkids, having hear all my friends so proud of theirs, and I am pleased for them I really am but it hurts.

Yes u so right 123 flump we all lose our tempers, I have an Irish temper but my daughter much as I loved her was volatile also and if you really care how can you be so cruel?

Violetfloss than you for explaining.

For some unknown reason yogagirl refuses to see if from both points and never apologised for calling me 2faced or the sick bucket, I think I was so shocked it was another poster asked her if she meant to be so rude,

Heyho that's life people yes unsupported don't always return it.

I have to get off here just done banking now to pack!

Merry Xmas all xxx

Sorry I mean my husband not son.

Violet I absolutely get it. My son grew up with no father as he died when my husband was a baby. My husband is mixed race, although my MIL chose to marry someone of another ethnicity she was not above calling my husband a "black bastard" from his earliest childhood. How do you forgive someone for that? We can all lose our tempers, we can all say things we regret but to repeatedly use that as an insult? He had period of NC and periods of limited contact. It was very hard.

As to Yogagirl thinking it is always the DIL, or SIL, behind an adult child going NC how does she explain that I was the one who kept contact going? When my husband couldn't bear to speak to his mother I would visit, I would take the children, I would get shopping for her? It doesn't fit does it?

In the end people have to think of their mental health and I know my MIL did untold damage to my husband. We still live with the aftermath.

Bibbity and Violet I hope your families are coping with it all, it isn't easy at all.

I hope everyone manages to have a good Christmas, maybe this will be the season for making new beginnings.

Violet. We are in very similar situations. I know your pain.
The absolute incandescent fury that the woman who should love and care for your husband is hurting him so much.
But you have to just shrug your shoulders and move on. I can see how much this hurts you.
My MIL has three living sons.
Two (incl DH) have cut her off and one has very very very limited contact with her.
This is because of her doing.
This is the life she has sowed.
Yet she will go on and on (and on) about what a fantastic mother she is and how evil and horrible her DILs are.
Three DILs all very very different. But we are at fault.
I don't care anymore.
I have my husband. I have my children and we have his brothers and wives and nieces and nephews. We are happy.
She can tell whatever lies she wants. They won't keep her company over Christmas.

But can't you see?
She can blame me all she likes. She does. Over and over. It's all my fault, to anyone who'll listen.
It's gone on for 5 years, the same damn game. Is she any closer to being welcomed back? No.
She's further away.
It makes my DH more determined to keep her away.

Yes you've got it right in your last paragraph Starlady

I still don't understand. I don't go around hating every MIL I speak to, be down right rude to them and disregard their feelings.
Not once, has she asked how my DH is feeling, he's the one who's the 'the victim' not my MIL, she's the cause of it.
It was a horrible place to be. Once, he couldn't do what she wanted because he's a 30 year old who works, she called him a 'Useless Cunt, who would never amount to anything.'

But please, here's our innocent children, do you want a cup of tea? Have a day off mate. You can't like anyone who speaks to your husband like that, never mind respect them.

I've managed to speak to Celeb, she's managed to speak to me, I've spoke to Smileless too and a few others. All of them have shown kindness and empathy. They have listened and I have listened to them.

I have no doubt in my mind that people like my MIL come in all shapes and sizes. They could be dealing with someone like her,or a watered down version or even worse!

I know what it's like, you can't believe your eyes and ears when something happens or something is said then its manipulated round and somehow it's your fault. 'What just happened?...' I must of muttered that to myself a billion times. It's when it's challenged it all goes pear shaped, because they kick it up a notch.

Sorry this has dragged on abit, but what I'm trying to get at is this support thread is fantastic for people who are dealing with people like that because it's not normal. Unless you have the tools to deal with that, you feel alone.

Sorry I've gone abit I hope you all have a lovley Christmas

Good news, maddyone! Glad you shared it with us!

Sorry about your bp, celeb. Hope you can distress soon.

Smileless, enjoy your visit with ds - and, of course, please tell us all about it!

Leo, this is a support thread, it's true. But the whole forum isn't a "support forum." This is a public place, and anyone can post here - gps, dils, whoever.

Violet, I don't think Yoga sees her comments as "lies." My guess is that she believes that an il is behind every estrangement that occurs after an ac gets married. Iows, I THINK she believes that if a ds cos his mum, for instance, it's really due to pressure from dil. So no matter how often you say, "Dh did this," in her view, you must have pushed him to do it. That is what she means, I THINK, when she says YOU co mil.

So glad maddyone that I have been able to help.
I always do my best and thank you again for your kind support over my depression,

Sincere thanks for virtual cards and pms ladies.

Just got back to 5 amazing cards all except one from friends made through estrangement, some good to come out of bad!

My dear twin called did wash machine first thing bless him as had take dh to dentist have root canal ?He is recovering slowly bless so we not going out tonight despite I went see my lovely hairdresser for the works! So feeling lot smarter!

Can't wait to see my dear son and family not long now just hope traffic not too bad.

Hope rhinestone, fairydoll, maddyone Smileless, lucklylegs violet floss,bugsby555 and anyone forgot to mention have great Xmas Yogagirl enjoy your little Grandaughter peace of mind and fun to us all.

bad news b p so high again got go back 27th and also book 24hr monitor again, I must try destress but have had lot of that this year.
.
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Morning ladies (afternoon really I guess) I hope you're all busy with your Christmas preparations and families and as happy as you can be under the circumstances.
Smileless I loved your description of flinging yourself into DSs arms, I bet he was just as pleased to see you. Enjoy yourself this Christmas.
Luckylegs I think you are right to tell people about your estrangement as you advised Rhinestone. When my sister estranged our whole family my poor dear mother didn't tell anyone (outside of family who already knew) for two whole years. I advised her to tell her friends, at least they could support her then through those difficult years. Eventually my sister sought out her family again, what a good job she did because when her husband sadly died, she had her parents and sister, aswell as her children to support her. Sadly her mental health is not good again, and she is struggling and sometimes being unkind to our 90 year old mother, but that is another story. The thing is, Mum told people and it did help her to have the support of her friends. Anyway have a happy Christmas with the family who you do see.

That should have been a , obviously I'm too used to the sad icon

Thank you Maddy for your kind words & also thank you all those who sent me kind pms, they mean a lot, they really do xx

It's lovely to hear your good news Maddy so keep on updating & I really hope it doesn't happen to you again. I'd love to hear those words nana I've missed you but of course my precious ones don't know who I am anymore ;-(

My ND went to a family Christmas gathering in London yesterday, I couldn't go as I had my Xmas classes to do but I did enjoy my classes, we had fun, had coffee after and gave out cards & I being the teacher, got some Xmas gifts too I have my big Xmas Yogi dinner & dance tonight, with all my students from all my classes, will be a great night.
My ND was stuck in traffic coming home from London, so she phoned me and we chatted her whole journey home She told me that her uncle [my prev. b.i.l] can't come to my Xmas gathering next Friday as he is meeting up with my estD as she is going up to London, near where he lives, to see the 'Lion King'. He said how lovely her C are [not sure if that comment from a pic or not], strange that on hearing that, how it really hits the heart
He is the uncle/b.i.l that lives in Africa. He always visits nasty s.i.l to buy some 'stuff' from him when he visits UK, therefore n.s.i.l makes some cash from him, so two reasons not to cut him out; he lives in Africa & the money making from him! Although this, I believe, is the first time he has seen them for about 4yrs, they never came to his wedding 2/3yrs back.

I'm off to an Xmas market with my ND & little one later this morning, so I'm off to hi-lit my hair now, ready for tonight Take care all xx

Madgran I completely understand your worries. I have endured several bouts of not seeing my DDs beautiful children, the latest was was very unpleasant, I thought that it would end in complete cut off. But suddenly she phoned DH and spoke to him completely normally as if there had never been a problem. So we have seen the children in their Nativity play and at our home and we are invited to go out with them this weekend. We have always been a close family, loving and respecting the extended family too, and I hoped my children had learnt from us that family is important. But you can’t control who your child marries, and that person may have a very different perception of family life from the way they were brought up. It sounds like your DiL is a very controlling person, you were making nice little traditions for your grandchildren but Mum didn’t approve. Very sad for the children, but hold on to what you have got, try to not rock the boat in any way, and go along with her requests. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to be bullied. It can become a cycle, it happened to us, and only because my DH said he’s eating no more humble pie, this last time we stood up for ourselves, and now we are seeing our grandchildren again. I have your fear, I know that feeling, but do as Celeb advised me, and try to avoid it going that far (to cut off.)

Thank you Celeb I’m so pleased that you found my experience with depression helpful, it truly is a horrible feeling but when you realise that the medication is beginning to work, that is a great feeling. As I’ve said before, it takes time, but Celeb you’re getting there. You always try be positive despite feeling so low yourself, and I have found reading your posts helpful with my own situation.
Sparklygran thank you for such lovely, kind posts, despite your own situation you have written such lovely words wishing everyone on here a happy time this Christmas, especially those who are estranged from their grandchildren.
Yogagirl you’ve had some very difficult anniversaries lately, it is a difficult time of year for you. I hope that you enjoy Christmas with your daughter and little one, and you feel better after Christmas when the anniversaries have passed.
Rhinestone I think you are doing the right thing in telling anyone who asks about your ESD and grandchildren. It makes it easier I think if people know. It’s just the difficulty of explaining that keeps us from explaining, and the thought the others may think we’re to blame, must have done something wrong, that they may judge us without knowing the whole situation (because these things are always complicated) etc etc. It’s the right decision to tell.

Maddyone thank you?
So very pleased you have seen grandchildren that's wonderful I know there are issues but hang on in there.

You were right to be patient ref my medication the cloud is slowly limiting.

Have wonderful Xmas xxx

Same goes for us all and peace of mind if at all possible to those of us missing loved ones estranged or bereaved.❤️

Thanks Katek u are absolutely right.

I’m not commenting on who said what to whom or whenever, but I do think it’s such a pity that bad feeling has arisen - especially at this time of year. I hope you can all resolve your issues.

Thinking of all the grans on this and other estrangement threads who need kindness and are in my thoughts this Christmas xx

Violetfloss your MIL sounds very much likie my late MIL. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a MIL myself now and a grandmother to 5. I would hate to be cut off but sometimes it is the only way.

I hope your husband is OK, it is a hard thing to do and my husband went NC with his mother more than once but did have a relationship with her in the end, it was distant and difficult but I think he felt guilty, she had spent years guilt tripping him. Not a good basis for a relationship.

Morning everyone, I'm popping in here today, haven't been on here for a while, I've tried to read all your posts, but will catch up with some more later on when I have a little more time.
Celeb sounds like despite the depression you are gradually improving despite the awful circumstances of your estrangement. Well done to you for sticking with the medication, because it does take a while. You look lovely in your picture a few pages back.
Rhinestone I was pleased to see you posted again.
Smilelessyour son will be here now, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
My news is good, which is why I didn't come on here for a while. I feel a bit guilty and absolutely do not wish anyone any more pain than they already feel at this special time of year, but my daughter has been to see us, brought the chikdren with her. Absolute delight, they hugged and kissed us, little one said 'I miss you Nana' that made me sad, she didn't need to have missed us, it was a punishment for loving our son's child and going on holiday with them! DD was very quiet, we didn't discuss what has happened (and it most likely will happen again, because it has happened before, but this was the worst time ever) and I just want to find some kind of normality (knowing our relationship has changed irreversibly) for now at least.
I will keep coming on here, at times you all were my lifeline and I feel your care and support so much. I hope I can offer the same to you too. I still fear this situation, leopards don't change their spots.
Have a lot to do, will pop back in later, and put a picture of son's 40th birthday cake I made for him.
I wish you all peace.

I was one who posted about being worried about yogagirl and the worry about her M H.
The only reason I did so was because her posts were so unlike her and frankly were not her style.
I think it is reasonable to worry about a fellow GNer who we feel is undergoing some problems, we would be remiss to ignore such signals.

It didn't spoil my afternoon leokitty nothing could have done that but it's not very nice reading,
I hope you have good Xmas with your little one.

Well hopefully she will take these comments on board, I'm sorry if it spoilt your afternoon celeb gran. I can't comment if she will apologise, that's something for her to do herself.

I believe the "sickbucket" was meant as a joke but taken the wrong way. I think a lot of it on here is misunderstandings and misreading of posts.

Anyway I'm not going to comment any further, so hope you all have a nice Christmas.

I also said that she seems to misunderstand/misread posts ...and that this might ne the cause of some of the "misunderstandings"! her way of expressing herself also does her no favours at times.