Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

Bon voyage, Maddy! Enjoy your cruise!

YogagirlI meant December 20th.
Every year when I was celebrating my ES and ESS birthdays it was a mixed bag because of my dad’s death. I tried not to think of that but it is hard.
But Nov 20 is my EDIL’s birthday. Interesting these common dates.

Yes lovely cake Maddy

So you have a fateful day Rhinestone the 20th Nov. Mine is the 16th Nov, the day I was 'cut out' & the day I married the children's dad! Heard over the weekend from my b.i.l that ex has had a stroke! It must have been a small one as on Sunday he discharged himself from hospital, so he could watch the football on TV Quite often, when you have a small stroke, another follows, that's what happened to my mum till she had a big one, causing vascular dementia. He [ex] drinks & smokes like a trooper & I can't imagine him stopping! My ND spoke to b.i.l, her uncle, and he is now trying to contact my estD, for sure he will only get to speak to nasty s.i.l, so my estD will get the news from him! shouldn't be like that, no doubt as he relays the news about her dad to her, he'll add, hope he dies! Maybe wake-up call for estD

I made the mistake of watching the 15 most touching Xmas adverts, I balled my eyes out so don't do it, it seemed to be all about old folk being left out & alone at Xmas. I first watched the M&S and John Lewis ones for this year, really good!

Thank you ladies for confirming we did right thing and taking trouble to care, this support group just helps me so much as sure it does all of us.

Maddyone bon Voyage is it Japan area you sailing or Thailand somewhere exotic anyway enjoy!

I felt bit sad as couldn't keep up with other 4 at weekend but I expect I have to be patient.

Yes starlady my poor dear husband who loved our daughter so like me was unable to believe she didn't care how ill I was and what major op I underwent just 5 minutes from her home, it has distressed him, and I don't want him hurt like that again.

I just came across letter I wrote her and didn't sent just before my op when I was so scared, havemsorted out some of our clutter drawers, one contains photo album s of xxxxx we were such proud grandparents ??

Smilelss is right Rhinestone our happiness will come but not the direction w expected. Sorry Xmas has painful dates i.e. Death of your father myndesr f i law passed on 17thndec yes maddyone it was my father in law, s imlaw still has his parents and one Grandad as far as we know.
He seemed kind enough to xxx grandad on his 90th and one Xmas ed drove pick her grandad up and cooked us all dinner how could it all have deteriorated to total no contact from that?
How I wish it hadn't but absolutely nothing I can do.
At least s imlaw cares for her and I don't think he would ever harm them so don't have yogagirl worry.
However why didn't she let her dad see little ones 4 years ago when he last spoke to her after youngest was born was she scared to cross him, when he said no way!

We have to assume that.
Next visit she drew curtains in dh face so he got his way,

Whose a clever girl maddywhat a fab cake, no wonder your mum was pleased. They were nice tears and as you say, it's great to know that people really care, that we all have one another here on this thread.

We've certainly come a long way Starlady in the last 5 years. If anyone had told me at the beginning that we'd move, make a new home for ourselves and find some peace and happiness, I'd never have believed them.

Of course we have our moments but not as often as we used too and we've accepted that that's always going to be the case.

It must be a worry YogagirlI can't imagine how difficult it must be constantly worrying about her's and your GC's welfare.

I think you're right Luckylegs and it is a good move about the villa. We both feel that we've made the right decision and it's certainly going to save us some money once we've sold. We've been very lucky to have had it but they're very expensive to run and own.

Aaah Rhinestone you have gloom and doom in your lives that you'd never have expected but there will be joy and laughter to come, just not from the places you expected.

You did the right thing Celeb. I think Starlady is right,
not getting a response to his letter to your ED about your op and your's about little Rosie has perhaps made him realise that there's nothing to be gained from contacting her, apart from heart ache of course.

Oh, Rhinestone... lots of (((hugs)))

Oh MaddyoneThat cakes looks so good. My hips expanded just looking at that cake. I’m so happy that you had that wonderful celebration and your DD and GC came. Glad that your DH talked to her also. Would a talk with your SIL help? Maybe asking what you can do to clear the air or if he is mad at you ? Just a thought.
Smileless My heart hurt when I read about that sign you had. I’m glad you can move on and I know someone will buy your villa. Glad you made it home safely.
StarladyI’m nervous or maybe stressed is the better word for the holidays for several reasons. My Grandaughter is having her tonsils out on the 26 th so that’s a concern. Then the boys who are not speaking to us both have birthdays on the 20 th . It’s a hard day to know that we won’t see or be able to talk to either one. My ES is turning forty and I had planned to do something special like I did for my daughter. My father died on their birthday twelve years ago too. And of course I used to do Xmas eve and have everyone over. We have gone from joy and laughter to gloom and doom. I worry about my DH bring so down at this time.

Luckylegs Yes I worry all the time too, always have. That her nasty H has killed her, or worse!

Smileless Welcome home

for all xx

Celebregran, understand your feelings, you did the right thing driving past. Hope your weekend was a success.
Smilekess, welcome back home, bet it was lovely seeing you little dog and cat. Good move about the villa, at least it was a happy holiday with your little guests splashing in the pool.
Maddyone, so pleased your daughter came to see her grandmother. Her cake looked so good. Have a wonderful cruise.
Rhinestone, thinking of you and hope you are looking after yourself in the circumstances
Yogagirl, know I've said it before, but thank goodness for you nd, she has suffered from the split just like you.

Maddy, that cake looks delicious!

Wonderful that dd came to party with whole family, even sil. She must have insisted.

I wonder if he's uncomfortable around your family because he's at odds with his own? He might even be a little jealous.

Thanks for letting me know that friends help. I hope I'm that kind of support for my egp friends.

Oh, Smileless, your post about the name brought tears to my eyes. But I know you've gotten past the pain now, for the most part, and I'm glad.

Yoga, I'm so sorry nd was affected like that. I wonder if people who go nc realize how much their decision can impact the whole family?

Celeb, it sounds like dh was still hoping for a breakthrough with ed when he told her about your operation and Rosie. I'm glad he is finally letting go though I know it's sad.

Rhinestone, I'm sorry the upcoming holidays make you nervous. But I'm not sure why? I know people can feel lonely and sad at holiday time, but why "nervous?" Is it because you worry that you or dh will find yourselves missing ess and family? Do you fear an unexpected phone call, email or text from ds or ess? Or are you concerned about maybe not hearing from ds?

Sparkly, Thank you for your kind thoughts, I'm glad that my daughter doing what she should do (despite her husband) and respecting and caring for her Nana has made you all happy. Now I hope she'll let me see her when I get home from my cruise. I'm off tomorrow, I'll send you all a virtual 'wish you were here' so long as I can find any wifi!

Hello again, Thank you Cekeb, the cake is very tasty (rich fruit cake) and I did my best with the icing but I'm no Mary Berry! Thankfully you can buy nice toppers nowadays so you don't have to be too clever with the icing. Basically I can bake well, but I'm not very clever with icing, still it looked okay, and Mum liked it. She's taken about half home for the other family members.

Oh I do feel for you Celeb, eight years and three little girls. Do you think when your SiL lost his father that something changed him then? It somehow seems coincidental that it all happened in less than two years. No, I think I've got it wrong, I think it was your FiL who died. You say your daughter moaned about you, but I think many young women moan about parents, so don't blame yourself for that, most go on to mature and then develop a caring friendship with their parents, maybe some get stuck in immature mode, and can't move on.

Smileless, sorry I made you teary, but nice tears I think. It's nice to know people really care. Celeb is right, so very sad about the little one's room, and the name plate. Estrangement and rifts are truly awful, unnatural in my opinion. Families are meant to live in harmony, obviously there'll be differences of opinion, but when AC cut themselves off, it goes right against the grain, and is too painful to bear.

Wow maddyone that cake looks lovely!

I remember having one made for myndesr f imlaw when he was 90 and my s imlaw did BBQ for him where did it all go so wrong! Within 2 years he had died and we were cut completely off!

We gritted our teeth and drove past ed area and didn't attempt to go down her road, it would only distress us, but what I would give to see her, hold her and tell her how much I miss her.?

Dh said she didn't respond to letter about my operation or little Rosie's death so she doesn't care it's pointless to try anymore and I guess he is right but I hate it.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201711/medium-440002-img-0057.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201711/medium-867055-img-0058.jpg

I've managed to post pictures of the cake I made for Mum, hope you all like it. Going for a bath now, will post again when finished.

Oh smilless that is so sad the name for little ones room that he never used!

We just back from weekend I have sent couple pm better try help dh!

I don't feel that great may have overdone it at weekend ?
Felt very queasy yesterday but managed avoid being sick,
Think maybe not used to eating so much having just got appetitive back after operation,
Our chalet was v nice a suite and all revamped but long walk from main building and restausnt,

Oh maddyone like the rest so very pleased your daughter came and to party also.
It's such shame that s imlaw seems be problem.
I am not sure if is our s i law certainly not just him our ed will have moaned about us to him like she did to her sis i law and best friend,

However like smilless she knows how much we loved and cared for her for 28 years in every way, I do take your point though lucklegs. Hope you feeling bit brighter ?

Good see you post rhinestone,

?For us all

It brought tears to my eyes reading about your D taking flowers to your mum for her bday and bringing the baby too maddy.

I'm so pleased that the lunch went well and I hope that you see your D and GC when you get back from your holiday. It makes me sothat a s.i.l. or d.i.l. wants to, and too often succeeds in coming between their wife or husband and their parents. Seeking to destroy that relationship, inflicting such terrible pain and suffering on people that have never done them any harm.

Although we no longer have, or make any contact with our ES Luckylegs when we did, we always told him that we loved him. I don't know if he believes that but if he doesn't there's nothing we can do to make him think otherwise.

He only needs to look back on the first 27 years of his life, at the life he had and the relationship we once shared to know that he was loved so much that we couldn't possibly, ever stop loving him. But we can't make him look back and we can't make him believe in something if he refuses to do so.

We flew back on Thursday, arriving back Friday morning. Thursday was ES's bday, 5 years to the day that we knew we'd been CO because he'd blocked our telephone number and the day we put our villa up for sale.

I no longer need to go there, being so happy and settled in our home where we've been now for a yearand it was something that was anchoring us to the past because that's where they were married. It was also a reminder of unfulfilled dreams; having our GC enjoying our pool and all that Florida has to offer.

We're having our personal possessions packed and shipped to the UK which include a picture of our eldest GC's name that we had done for the 'children's room' just after he was born, because of course we thought he'd stay there one day.

It's lovely here today. Blue sky, blue sea and. Not as warm as Florida of course but it's home and that's where we want to be.

maddyone I haven't been on this thread very often but your DD coming with your DGC to see your Mum sounds wonderful. Thank goodness she did.

[Flowers]

Hello ladies, it's a beautiful morning here, I hope it is wherever you are too.

Well my daughter and her family did come to Mum's lunch, and back to our house for bubbles and cake afterwards. My daughter behaved pretty well normally, the children were delighted to see us, and SiL was his usual obnoxious self, completely ignoring me, and barely speaking to anyone else. I didn't mind him ignoring me, I don't really want a conversation with him after the supercilious emails sent to DH, and his deliberately trying to prevent us from knowing when our daughter was admitted to hospital. The lunch went well and Mum enjoyed it. We took her to the airport yesterday, having arranged special assistance for her, she has returned home for now.

I hugged and hugged my daughter before she left and said I will contact her after the cruise. She agreed quietly. Her Dad spoke to her briefly, she refuted any responsibilty for what has happened and said she never stopped us seeing the children!! We still have the emails and texts in which she or SiL did just that!! But net mind, she came.

Yogagirl, thank you for your kind words, I hope you are right, but not sure really about it. Our daughter still wants contact, even if limited, now it would seem, but her husband clearly doesn't want that, and so we'll have to see. He is extremely acerbic about his own parents, so has no sense of loyalty to us!
Yogagirl, I was almost in tears when I read your description of what happened to your daughter, the estrangement has obviously affected her very badly, poor girl, it sounds as if she had an anxiety attack. I hope she is coping and enjoying her life now, but it's hard when your siblings do this (my sister did for 8 years, and all is not great with her now, but she has a diagnosed mental condition.) My sister's decision to estrange herself did effect me though, and your daughter will miss her siblings, but feel annoyed with them too, and hate what they're doing to you.

Thank you Rhinestone, for outlining how your daughter reacted to the estrangement, obviously another young woman who has been deeply affected by her siblings behaviour. I feel so sorry for the siblings, it is so awful for them too.

Starlady, you're right, all my children were brought up in close contact with our wider families, and know the value of family members, so I know my daughter will miss us when she doesn't see us for long periods, but I also know from reading this thread that there is not one person contributing on here who doesn't feel exactly the same, they wouldn't be on here if they weren't the same as me, we all value our families. I know you haven't gone through it Starlady, but you have several friends who have, and it's that which brings you here. Friends are invaluable with this, they hold us up when we're at our lowest ebb.

Lucklegs, I understand your worry about something happening to your beloved child and not even knowing. I was beside myself when our daughter was hospitalised and he kept it from us. Have you any relatives/friends who are in touch with her? If so, you could ask them to let you know if anything happens, and conversely if anything happens to you. If not, keep on sending the cards/letters, because she can never say you didn't care or try. Is the SiL a big part of it like many of the others on here? Do you know his parents? I'm sorry, I'm asking too many questions.

It's a nice day, enjoy the sunshine everyone.

Oh Maddie you asked about the non estranged children.
Well in my case my ESS and his wife estranged my daughter too. They didn't invite her to their son's big birthday party as they always did. They didn't want her to tell us that my stepdaughter would be there . You see my stepdaughter came into town and told my DH that she had no time to see him. Of course we found out that she was at that party and my DH told her later that he found out. She gave some stupid reponse about not wanting to hurt him and of course he forgave her. So my daughter is now estranged from them. My DIL said if we knew we would just show up and my DD told them we would never do that. How horrible to make decisions for your children that will ultimately effect them later on in life.
For all of us this is true. When our grandchildren realize that we are still living and breathing and that their parents kept them from loving caring grandparents they will be mad. I would be if my parents did that.

Good Morning Everyone- Hope you had a nice weekend.
Lot of rain and cold here.
Smileless -I am so glad you had a great time with your Godson and his family. Even if you do sell your villa you could always rent one like we do if you ever want to come back again.
Maddie -Your good news just made my day. Your daughter did the right thing coming to her grandmothers with the baby. Hope she came to the party too. Have you offered to babysit yet? That might make her realize even more how she needs you. Maybe, like my son, she just needed a vacation. At least thats what he says he is doing now.
We had a chance to go to see our EGC on Halloween as they have a parade in the streets by the school. My DH finally said no he won't go. Their parents work so we wouldn't see them. I feel panicky this time of year with all the holidays coming up and two grandson's birthday. One we will celebrate with my DD and the other we haven't seen in almost three years. Every night I cannot sleep I write nasty letters in my head to my ESS and his wife. I wish I could send them but there are too many four letter words in them.
Celeb I hope you are feeling better from everything.
Yogagirl I got back into exercising and I hope this makes me feel better. At this age I have taken every aerobic, stretching, stepping, class I could think of so that"s why I think it's a chore for me to get out the door. That one yoga class I did where everything was fast and I seemed to be the flunky in the class, ruined me on yoga.
Luckylegs and Starlady hope things are okay with you.

Do others that are estranged worry about something happening to their estranged child? I do, I think that's why I keep sending the cards telling her that I love her, it doesn't really matter if I get one back. I know there's no chance of reconcilliation, but I have to let her know she is always in my heart.

Sorry I haven't been in much lately, ladies. Have some catching up to do. But, Maddy, what wonderful news! Maybe the new baby has reminded dd of the importance of family or something. Whatever, how delightful! Hope things continue this way!

......And yes Yoga has been a life saver!

Maddy How wonderful, for you, as well as your Mother on her 90th Birthday, I'm sure all will be well now with you & your Daughter. Well done xx
My niceD has been very badly effected by all this, I remember in the first few weeks, my ND had to turn back from going to work one morning & came to me, she had started crying and shaking, so couldn't continue to work she had been very close with her sister. We had a hug & a cuppa & a chat

Hello ladies, thank you again for all your supportive comments, it's good to know you, virtually at least, though I wish there was no need for a threads like this, but it's good it's here.
Well today has been my dear Mum's 90th birthday. And unbelievably at 9.00am whilst we were sitting in our dressing gowns with Mum opening her cards, who should she spot through the kitchen window, yes, my daughter carrying beautiful flowers for her Nana, and carrying the new baby! She came in, it was a bit strained, but she sat with her Nana and talked about baby, and Mum had a cuddle with him. Thank God I thought, thank God. She says she is going to the birthday lunch tomorrow, I hope she does for my dear Mum.
Thankfully since increasing the dose of my antidepressants I am finally beginning to feel the effects of them, the last two mornings I haven't dreamed. Thank you all you lovely ladies, I realise from your comments that mornings are the worst time for you too, I think it's the chemicals in the brain that are lowest in the morning that makes us low then.

Smileless, it sounds as if you're ready to move on in life and that's why you've decided to sell the villa. You've had a happy time with your God children this summer and now feel ready to sell. You say how much you needed the villa and how it has helped you, but it's good that you're feeling ready for new beginnings now.

Yogagirl, I know you're often up early in the morning because I saw the time of some of your posts, but I didn't realise you get up early to stop the sad thoughts. Do you do the yoga then? Is that helpful? I used to do Tai Chi but had to stop to fit the childcare in, but now we don't do childcare, I should find a new group (mine closed) and do it again because physical activity is helpful in depression.

Luckylegs, I won't close the door as you so rightly said, I gently tried to suggest that we can see each other after the cruise, she was hesitant, but I must hold out a lifeline for her. My son won't intervene, I realise how much he despises our SiL and feels in his own way that he wants SiL to know what he thinks, but you're right, it wouldn't help. It makes me wonder ladies, what do your other children, the non estranged ones, make of the sitation? Do they feel anger and frustration like my son does? It effects whole families, not just parents doesn't it?

Celeb, sorry to hear you're also often down in the morning, but you perk up later. You've had ill health and lost your little dog, it's a lot in just a few months, and all on top of your daughter's actions.

I'll let you all know how the birthday lunch goes, thanks again for support.