I've earned my stripes!

Of course she is thei Grandmother!
And it doesn't confuse them at all. Children are very accepting creatures. As long as they are happy and loved all is right with their universe.

Complications arise when adults start forcing their grievenses and disagreements on situations which frankly 1. Do not concern Them. And 2. Do not require any changes.

One way of looking at it is that these children have a vast array of adults who all love and care for them. I can understand how you feel, but the children's happiness is what matters. I know it is hard, but try to hang on to this.

My DGD (aged 4) has a granny (on my Son IL's side) who no longer lives with her OH. DGD sees lots of both the GPs on that side of the family. The other day she was looking at a photo of her grandmother and her new partner and announced "That's Granny's uncle!" - it made us all smile.

She is not their grandmother and I would be very offended at that.
We have one grandaughter and her maternal grandfather has a second wife and gd calls her by her name.
I know it is difficult as you don't want to upset your DIL the trouble is it's too late now the gd have accepted that she is gm, must be confusing for them.

This problem doesn't arise with aunties or cousins, why should grandparents be so different? Children do not care who married who or when, they just love you. Pick a name for yourself, some of mine call me 'nannie sparkle' as my glasses had some diamonds on (not real sadly)....and never cancel anything that celebrates you, how are the kids going to be part of the fabulousness that is you, if you cancel things.

Shakespeare was right about names and roses smelling just as sweet.

I just realised what the title of this thread is. That's a very aggressive attitude to hold.
Take Bibbity's advice.

You can not and more importantly should not tackle what anything!

It is perfectly understandable for you to have some bitterness or resentment towards your ExH.
However that has nothing to do with your DC or GC.
The decision of who is called what is down to the parents and the named party. As is her involment in the GC lives (as is your involvement...)

My step mum (even though not married to Dad) was just as much a loved and valued GP to my two children as my bio parents. The GC had never known life without her. And she absolutely adored them. When asked how many GC she had she never differentiated between step ans bio all were equal in her eyes.
She died one year ago and not a day goes by where I don't miss her.

How is more love to a child a bad thing? Do you really see it a second some competition?

In all aspects we should always think about what is best for the children. Another adoring GP is fantastic.
If you ever mention this to your DC or GC it will only be you who come across badly.

Rant to friends. Rant on here. But never speak to them.

Ps. My Mum held me and my sister as we grieved for my step mum. She helped us write our statement that was read at her funeral were we openly thanked her for being an amazing parent and for loving us as her daughters. She was never ever jealous of her. Just happy her daughters had someone who loved them so much.

The misunderstanding over D being called grandma seems not to have been any fault of hers.
Your DiL should have asked what you preferred but probably thought that using Grandma D as a name for her left you free to choose your own name.
Or are you objecting to her being called Grandma/ Granny/ anything of that kind? That would seem a bit unreasonable to me.

(Remember not to give too many details on here, that might identify you. Gransnet forums are very public.)

good for you indeed emc2 and I do understand how you feel, as you have done all the hard work in bringing up your DC in difficult circumstances.

You're not blowing it out of proportion emc2, I know from personal experience how much it hurts when someone tries to usurp your position as a grandparent, with me, it's my own sibling who constantly buys my GKs expensive gifts and makes the things we buy look like rubbish.
Please don't feel intimidated by the fact that your DIL is a lawyer, no matter how good she is with word's she still can't take away the fact that D is causing you emotional pain. You could do as I do and tell yourself no matter what D does or say's she will never be their 'real' GP, she can't take that away from you XX

Good for you emc2. I think all the advice so far is good especially Bluebell's as being known as granny ......

Enjoy your new job, new relationship and all of the good things you have in your life.

Children have their own ways of distinguishing one Grandma from another. My DD had a Grandma Seaside - 'cos that's where she lived. My DGC have a "Nannie round the bend" - because that's where she lived! They have three Grandads, and they usually add the first name. They know who they mean.

As for inviting the ex to your birthday - you're a better woman than I !!!

I m not sure I understand this are you inflamed because wife number three has the same title as you? And with daughter in laws blessing Is this really worth upsetting yourself over add you name to your title so you become grandma Joan or whatever your name is, at 4 and 2 they are young enough to take this slight change on board
You are lucky you have family coming 100 miles to your birthday mine usually passes without much celebration ?

It was generous of you to invite ex H and his wife to your party. Little children won't differentiate between blood relatives and ones by marriage. As long as she treats the GC well don't worry about it. Enjoy your own life.

Thank you for your reply lemongrove. I honestly don't see that much of either my ex or his wife as they live in Ireland and it's only GC's birthdays and major occasions when I have to. Inviting my ex to my impending birthday is my way of saying I forgive him for all he did to me (and believe me it was horrendous) as life is so very short and his health is not good. Obviously she has to come too.

After years of devoting myself to others I do take on board your comment on making and enjoying my own future! I am seriously trying - having moved 100 miles away from all the unhappy memories, downsizing, joining meetups and now being offered at the age of 69 a job at a hospital as a secretary! Even started a relationship too.

Of course you mind , but really , in the wider world, as long as the GC know who you are and feel your love and not your antagonism I would smile serenely and ignore it . We have several cousins/ uncles /friends with the same Christian name and manage to differentiate between them all . My GC sometimes call me Granny , Instead of Gran . They do know it isn't serious . Actually I found out they thought Gran was my name , not my title , we then went through a fun time finding out who was Dads mum , who was Dads unc le etc . Maybe the family tree is the fun way to go when the time is right , and sometimes children give you a different name anyway!

I don't see why you have to have so much contact with your ex and his wife.Certainly for weddings/funerals/christenings etc but why more than that?
I can see your DIL has to allow the present wife to be called Grandma,after all, she is married to Grandad.
Enjoy your grandchildren and don't see ( more than necessary) this woman who annoys you, or indeed, your ex.
That was the past, make and enjoy your own future.