I've earned my stripes!

I don't see why you have to have so much contact with your ex and his wife.Certainly for weddings/funerals/christenings etc but why more than that?
I can see your DIL has to allow the present wife to be called Grandma,after all, she is married to Grandad.
Enjoy your grandchildren and don't see ( more than necessary) this woman who annoys you, or indeed, your ex.
That was the past, make and enjoy your own future.

Of course you mind , but really , in the wider world, as long as the GC know who you are and feel your love and not your antagonism I would smile serenely and ignore it . We have several cousins/ uncles /friends with the same Christian name and manage to differentiate between them all . My GC sometimes call me Granny , Instead of Gran . They do know it isn't serious . Actually I found out they thought Gran was my name , not my title , we then went through a fun time finding out who was Dads mum , who was Dads unc le etc . Maybe the family tree is the fun way to go when the time is right , and sometimes children give you a different name anyway!

Thank you for your reply lemongrove. I honestly don't see that much of either my ex or his wife as they live in Ireland and it's only GC's birthdays and major occasions when I have to. Inviting my ex to my impending birthday is my way of saying I forgive him for all he did to me (and believe me it was horrendous) as life is so very short and his health is not good. Obviously she has to come too.

After years of devoting myself to others I do take on board your comment on making and enjoying my own future! I am seriously trying - having moved 100 miles away from all the unhappy memories, downsizing, joining meetups and now being offered at the age of 69 a job at a hospital as a secretary! Even started a relationship too.

It was generous of you to invite ex H and his wife to your party. Little children won't differentiate between blood relatives and ones by marriage. As long as she treats the GC well don't worry about it. Enjoy your own life.

I m not sure I understand this are you inflamed because wife number three has the same title as you? And with daughter in laws blessing Is this really worth upsetting yourself over add you name to your title so you become grandma Joan or whatever your name is, at 4 and 2 they are young enough to take this slight change on board
You are lucky you have family coming 100 miles to your birthday mine usually passes without much celebration ?

Children have their own ways of distinguishing one Grandma from another. My DD had a Grandma Seaside - 'cos that's where she lived. My DGC have a "Nannie round the bend" - because that's where she lived! They have three Grandads, and they usually add the first name. They know who they mean.

As for inviting the ex to your birthday - you're a better woman than I !!!

Good for you emc2. I think all the advice so far is good especially Bluebell's as being known as granny ......

Enjoy your new job, new relationship and all of the good things you have in your life.

You're not blowing it out of proportion emc2, I know from personal experience how much it hurts when someone tries to usurp your position as a grandparent, with me, it's my own sibling who constantly buys my GKs expensive gifts and makes the things we buy look like rubbish.
Please don't feel intimidated by the fact that your DIL is a lawyer, no matter how good she is with word's she still can't take away the fact that D is causing you emotional pain. You could do as I do and tell yourself no matter what D does or say's she will never be their 'real' GP, she can't take that away from you XX

good for you indeed emc2 and I do understand how you feel, as you have done all the hard work in bringing up your DC in difficult circumstances.

The misunderstanding over D being called grandma seems not to have been any fault of hers.
Your DiL should have asked what you preferred but probably thought that using Grandma D as a name for her left you free to choose your own name.
Or are you objecting to her being called Grandma/ Granny/ anything of that kind? That would seem a bit unreasonable to me.

(Remember not to give too many details on here, that might identify you. Gransnet forums are very public.)

You can not and more importantly should not tackle what anything!

It is perfectly understandable for you to have some bitterness or resentment towards your ExH.
However that has nothing to do with your DC or GC.
The decision of who is called what is down to the parents and the named party. As is her involment in the GC lives (as is your involvement...)

My step mum (even though not married to Dad) was just as much a loved and valued GP to my two children as my bio parents. The GC had never known life without her. And she absolutely adored them. When asked how many GC she had she never differentiated between step ans bio all were equal in her eyes.
She died one year ago and not a day goes by where I don't miss her.

How is more love to a child a bad thing? Do you really see it a second some competition?

In all aspects we should always think about what is best for the children. Another adoring GP is fantastic.
If you ever mention this to your DC or GC it will only be you who come across badly.

Rant to friends. Rant on here. But never speak to them.

Ps. My Mum held me and my sister as we grieved for my step mum. She helped us write our statement that was read at her funeral were we openly thanked her for being an amazing parent and for loving us as her daughters. She was never ever jealous of her. Just happy her daughters had someone who loved them so much.

I just realised what the title of this thread is. That's a very aggressive attitude to hold.
Take Bibbity's advice.

This problem doesn't arise with aunties or cousins, why should grandparents be so different? Children do not care who married who or when, they just love you. Pick a name for yourself, some of mine call me 'nannie sparkle' as my glasses had some diamonds on (not real sadly)....and never cancel anything that celebrates you, how are the kids going to be part of the fabulousness that is you, if you cancel things.

Shakespeare was right about names and roses smelling just as sweet.

She is not their grandmother and I would be very offended at that.
We have one grandaughter and her maternal grandfather has a second wife and gd calls her by her name.
I know it is difficult as you don't want to upset your DIL the trouble is it's too late now the gd have accepted that she is gm, must be confusing for them.

One way of looking at it is that these children have a vast array of adults who all love and care for them. I can understand how you feel, but the children's happiness is what matters. I know it is hard, but try to hang on to this.

My DGD (aged 4) has a granny (on my Son IL's side) who no longer lives with her OH. DGD sees lots of both the GPs on that side of the family. The other day she was looking at a photo of her grandmother and her new partner and announced "That's Granny's uncle!" - it made us all smile.

Of course she is thei Grandmother!
And it doesn't confuse them at all. Children are very accepting creatures. As long as they are happy and loved all is right with their universe.

Complications arise when adults start forcing their grievenses and disagreements on situations which frankly 1. Do not concern Them. And 2. Do not require any changes.

As the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child and the more people there are to love them the better. But after saying that it is very understandable that you may feel hurt that all the years of hard work you put in raising your children is not being acknowledged by anyone. Sometimes the best you can do is to have special friends or family that you can talk with openly about the hurt you feel and then put on a brave face for the rest of the world for the sake of your children and grandchildren. It isn't the way anyone would like it to be but it is what is.

Emc2 You are a lovely family person, but don't let that grind you down. Of course she isn't their grandmother, but let your GC have as many older family members as they can.

I was so jealous to hear my grands refer to careminder, great grands, cleaner etc as Nanny (name), I had to put my false smiley face on (you know what I mean..) and stop grinding my teeth for years until I realised that it was just a label. Totally vindicated when they now call me Nanny and when I asked my 9 year old why they dropped my name was told because you're our REAL Nanny, Hurrah! The other set called me FunNanny which always made me laugh because short of babysitting occasionally being quietly subversive to the strict disciplinary rules (I was worse when the DS's were small) and fomenting infantile revolt, their other Nanny who does all the hard graft on a daily basis (I worked she didn't she drives I don't etc etc) would be mock angry I got that monicker. Let it go..as Shakespeare said what's in a name...a rose would still smell the same?

emc2, I can understand your dilemma and concerns, because my ex has remarried and my grandchildren on both their mothers and father's sides have 4 step grandparents, including my partner (who makes a fabulous Grandad.)

I did feel usurped at first and felt I should be 'chief' Grandma (how daft, eh?) but have decided that I am going to concentrate on my life now and be a good Grandmother to my GC and appreciate that the other Grannies love them too, so in fact, they are lucky, and it's not about me. They are loved by so many people and that's all that matters.

Try and remove yourself from the nuts and bolts of the situation and just focus on the GC when you are with them.

Go out and enjoy life and know it doesn't really matter, and you are blessed. Life is too short to fret about this. (That was my advice to myself when I was getting my knickers in a twist over the same sort of situation a while ago.)

I discovered from my 2 year old GD that I am 'old granny', I found this quite hurtful as I am the older of the three of us (DIL's mum and stepmother) but I decided to laugh it off. We are last in line to see her and I suspect that Dil's mum bad mouths me to my GD as she is a very bitter woman. She goes down to stay with them every couple of weeks whereas we are lucky if we get to see GD for a couple of hours every 3 months. Yes I am upset by this but I cannot let it rule my life - no relationship is perfect and we have to make the best of what we are given. I have to add that we are also the cash cows but that is our decision and they should not feel beholden to us because of that.

I have remarried and my grandchildren call my husband "Grandad". His grandchildren call me "Nanny". All the biological and step parents are known by their title and their name. Nobody in our blended families mind but I always take a mini step back when the biological grandparents are around. Personally I feel that the more people children have as good role models in their lives who will care for them and be there for them, the better off the children are. It seems pretty selfish to deny them that.

EMC2 I think you are trying too hard. I say this after twenty plus years of trying to keep the peace in an almost similar situation. I now realise that it might be better to state what you feel,even though it might cause friction. Which is better for you, avoiding friction or stating your feelings. If I could go back twenty years I know what I would do. Your ex is exerting pressure in his own interests, ignore him.

I would not appreciate being tackled about what my children should call relatives, so please weigh up if it really is worth creating bad feeling. Nobody can take away what you did, and your hard work, so maybe best to just leave it be?