I've earned my stripes!

I'm Nana to my GC and if im called Mammar or Gran etc by anyone they will tell them "not Mammar it's Nana" ?. You are their "real" grandparent so you have been a constant in their lives and your grandparent name will already be established by your GC. Don't worry about D. What they call her is irrelevant. Chill and enjoy your lovely GC x

Thread is 4 years old !!!

Unless someone is trying to hurt you, don’t take offence. It’s not worth the waves of ill feeling. Be grateful that she brings affection into your family and not disharmony. Of course she’s not you. But grandchildren will not be able to understand. It’s hard being the child of divorced parents. You never get over it. I was such a child and have been a single mother too. I don’t know what my grandchildren call my exes partner. Quite frankly, he was useless but thanks to her, he’s a better person. Let it go. Be the one they love, not the one who makes dramas

at the end of the day its only a name ,its the relationship you have with your GC that will count.Dont let it blight that relationship,just enjoy what you are lucky enough to have

emc2 before and for a little time after my first GC arrived, I quietly fretted about what I should be called and how he would sort out the complexities of our 'blended' family. At first, I thought 'titles' for bloodline - as opposed to step-parents - was probably 'right' and I was rather sad right from the off because SIL's mother was known by the name I would have wanted. My GC has ... two nannies, 2 granddads (my ex is now married to a man) and a grandpa (SIL's father) - and my own DH who just prefers to be called by his first name. Ex H's husband wants to be called granddad too - didn't ask, just assumed the title. My DD and SIL were a bit disgruntled, but over time it has become a non-issue.

Initially, it did evoke a sense of hurt in me - something to do with being reminded that family expectations were broken for me along the line, but I have learned it just doesn't matter. DGC is building different relationships with each of us - and it really is a case of simply loving and being loved back - so uncomplicated from a child's perspective!

As others have said, explanations as to who is who in any family -blended or not - can come later - I feel my GC is just blessed to have so many people to love him.

I think my angst also came out of a source of anxiety - the desire to be a good grandparent and to build a significant bond - and to be recognised as 'special' to him - well, that has just happened by being around him.

True, the conversation where DD and I sat with him and saw dawning understanding as we explained that I am his 'mummy's mummy' was lovely for me.

However, I grew up without grandmothers and only one granddad interested enough to make a fuss of me, but he also died when I was young, so the idea of being a grandparent for me had little meaning until I saw what a wonderful job of it my own parents made.

Didn't mean to be so longwinded - but I do feel you need to try to let the pain go and just enjoy being grandparent in your own way. You will simply be loved for being you.

emc2 I understand perfectly where you are coming from and must say you are so much more understanding and cooperative than I am. Very similar situation but my DSs and my DIL know I want no more than a civil, distant relationship with my ex. They are free to invite him to any things they organise and I will be polite to him and his partner. However I feel no obligation to invite him to anything I am organising. I do think you may be being too nice and perhaps you need to emphasise a bit more the emotional strain this situation has put you under. As for apologising at the wedding my ex wouldn't even dare ask! If you don't want this woman to be called Grandma just say so. There is no reason why you should have to keep your opinion quiet. It doesn't mean that she won't be called Grandma D and you may just have to accept that, but it will make everyone aware of your feelings and it might make things better in future. Try saying how you feel calmly and quietly and then let it go. You will feel better for speaking out and not bottling your feelings up Hope things get better.

Be very careful about the family tree advice. It is not your place to explain things like that. You don't know what the actual parents are planning.

Draw the children a family tree on a big chart, so they are aware of who is blood related and who is not. That will help you get it out of your system and clarify things for the children. Extended families are the norm now but when others are insensitive and try to take over it does rankle just a bit !

I am married to a man who has children and grandchildren from his first marriage....his children have never seen me as a step mother, and neither did I...so I see no reason why I should be referred to as Grandma to his grandchildren I am not their grandma and never will be. I am referred to by my first name which suits me fine. So I can understand why your feathers have been ruffled by this 3rd wife assuming the "grandma role".

I know a little boy who calls one granny "granny knit" and the other is "granny". Children seem to sort out their own names for grandparents. I can understand how you feel but try not to sweat the small stuff.

Take Bibbitys advice ...this is all about the children not the adults! Actions and experiences are far more important tgan names!

It sounds as if D did attempt to "play nice" by doing as you write "I found out yesterday that D (wife no. 3) had actually asked my DIL what I had wanted to be called and indeed my DIL's mother's wishes. She did not want to step on anyone's toes."

Quite nice, personality issues aside, your DGC have D as a GM, best you accept that extra love to their lives. Children can not have too much love.

I hope I have read this correctly in that you say that your ex husband's current wife did ask your DIL what you and the other 'blood' grandmother wanted to be called. If that is so then clearly she was aware that it might be contentious and was trying not to upset anyone. Quite possibly she thought your DIL had already checked that neither you nor the other Grandma would have any problems in her also being called Grandma. When my daughter was expecting her first baby her m-i-l made it quite clear she expected to be called Grandma. It didn't bother me as I wanted to be called Tanny, like my own gt grandma was (in the event my grandson couldn't manage the T and I became Nanny ) It is just a name and I don't think you should tackle your DIL about it but rather let it go as just one of those irritating moments life throws at us. Your grandchildren know who you are I am sure and love you dearly, a fight between yourself and their Mum might just spoil all that for them - and is that risk worth it?

Names can change for children over the years.

When my sons were very young, they called me mummy. Because I called my mother mum... so did they. They thought that was her name. My mum, of course, loved this and I didn't mind one bit. She and my dad would chuckle when they would take the boys to the shops on their own and they'd address her as mum.

When my oldest son was old enough to understand (before he started school), I explained the whole thing. I then became mum and my mother became Gran. The transition was really easy.

Your GC know who you are so I wouldn't stress.

Emc2, I gather that you don't feel D should be called "Grandma" the same as you because you put so much more effort into raising your sons and she was never much of a "mum" to them, etc. As a pp said, it must feel as if all your hard work is going unrecognized. I understand how that could hurt.

This isn't about what you did as a mum though or what she didn't do as a step-mum. This is about the gc. As others have said, she's their gm, too, because your ex is their gf. The kids will realize in time that she's not their "blood" gm, if that matters. As they hear stories of their dad's childhood, they will probably figure out, too, that you were more involved with him and his bros than your ex and D. But how they feel about anyone will depend, imo, on their own relationship with that person. So please just enjoy them when you're with them and don't worry about who else is there or what they call them.

In the future, however, I wouldn't invite ex and D to any events they wouldn't ordinarily expect to be at. Why cause yourself upset? It doesn't sound as if you've totally forgiven ex, so please don't try to force it. I can't imagine disinviting anyone, unless they had just done something horrid. But, from now on, please don't invite them to your personal celebrations such as your birthday.

It's not so much about "forgiving," anyhow, imo, as it is about letting go of the past. Kudos to you for having a good life of your own (job, relationship, etc.). Enjoy all that, and again, don't concern yourself so much with ex and D, one way or the other!

Interesting thread. Seems to me that your own feelings are the issue here. You feel badly treated by your ex husband. You feel badly treated by his present wife. Then dont invite them to your party. Or disinvite if you have already done so. Release the high moral ground forgiveness. and so on. You aren't there. Say you don't want an atmosphere. Say you aren't comfortable. Say anything you like to blow them off. And see a counsellor to sort out your feelings to your own satisfaction. Good luck.

My DDs called my Dhs step dad Grandad because he was. Kids don't care. I hate all of this 'real' and 'blood' talk.
Blood doesn't make you family it makes you related. I have some blood family that I hardly see and some chosen family who i'm in contact with daily. Blood might be thicker than water but I remember when water was there and blood wasn't.

Dont make a big deal out of this. Dont speak to your son or DIL about it.

I would not appreciate being tackled about what my children should call relatives, so please weigh up if it really is worth creating bad feeling. Nobody can take away what you did, and your hard work, so maybe best to just leave it be?

EMC2 I think you are trying too hard. I say this after twenty plus years of trying to keep the peace in an almost similar situation. I now realise that it might be better to state what you feel,even though it might cause friction. Which is better for you, avoiding friction or stating your feelings. If I could go back twenty years I know what I would do. Your ex is exerting pressure in his own interests, ignore him.

I have remarried and my grandchildren call my husband "Grandad". His grandchildren call me "Nanny". All the biological and step parents are known by their title and their name. Nobody in our blended families mind but I always take a mini step back when the biological grandparents are around. Personally I feel that the more people children have as good role models in their lives who will care for them and be there for them, the better off the children are. It seems pretty selfish to deny them that.

I discovered from my 2 year old GD that I am 'old granny', I found this quite hurtful as I am the older of the three of us (DIL's mum and stepmother) but I decided to laugh it off. We are last in line to see her and I suspect that Dil's mum bad mouths me to my GD as she is a very bitter woman. She goes down to stay with them every couple of weeks whereas we are lucky if we get to see GD for a couple of hours every 3 months. Yes I am upset by this but I cannot let it rule my life - no relationship is perfect and we have to make the best of what we are given. I have to add that we are also the cash cows but that is our decision and they should not feel beholden to us because of that.

emc2, I can understand your dilemma and concerns, because my ex has remarried and my grandchildren on both their mothers and father's sides have 4 step grandparents, including my partner (who makes a fabulous Grandad.)

I did feel usurped at first and felt I should be 'chief' Grandma (how daft, eh?) but have decided that I am going to concentrate on my life now and be a good Grandmother to my GC and appreciate that the other Grannies love them too, so in fact, they are lucky, and it's not about me. They are loved by so many people and that's all that matters.

Try and remove yourself from the nuts and bolts of the situation and just focus on the GC when you are with them.

Go out and enjoy life and know it doesn't really matter, and you are blessed. Life is too short to fret about this. (That was my advice to myself when I was getting my knickers in a twist over the same sort of situation a while ago.)

I was so jealous to hear my grands refer to careminder, great grands, cleaner etc as Nanny (name), I had to put my false smiley face on (you know what I mean..) and stop grinding my teeth for years until I realised that it was just a label. Totally vindicated when they now call me Nanny and when I asked my 9 year old why they dropped my name was told because you're our REAL Nanny, Hurrah! The other set called me FunNanny which always made me laugh because short of babysitting occasionally being quietly subversive to the strict disciplinary rules (I was worse when the DS's were small) and fomenting infantile revolt, their other Nanny who does all the hard graft on a daily basis (I worked she didn't she drives I don't etc etc) would be mock angry I got that monicker. Let it go..as Shakespeare said what's in a name...a rose would still smell the same?

Emc2 You are a lovely family person, but don't let that grind you down. Of course she isn't their grandmother, but let your GC have as many older family members as they can.

As the saying goes it takes a village to raise a child and the more people there are to love them the better. But after saying that it is very understandable that you may feel hurt that all the years of hard work you put in raising your children is not being acknowledged by anyone. Sometimes the best you can do is to have special friends or family that you can talk with openly about the hurt you feel and then put on a brave face for the rest of the world for the sake of your children and grandchildren. It isn't the way anyone would like it to be but it is what is.