Gransnet forums



(12 Posts)
Newatthis Thu 14-Sep-17 17:23:11

I have 2 daughters so don't know what it's like to have a Dil. However, as a Dil myself I know how it feels to have my children treated very differently to my SiL children by my MiL. When my D was born (1st grandchild to MiL and FiL) I truly wanted them to have a special relationship with her as I had done with my grandparents and made every effort to try to make this happen, even though we lived overseas a lot. I always invited them to every special occasion in the girls' lives and as often as we could in between times as I didn't want the distance to effect their relationship with the girls. However, my MiL has never wanted a relationship with them. She has always treated her D children very differently and has never had any time for our children. Recently my eldest daughter announced she was pregnant with our 1st grandchild (1st Greatgrandchild for MiL) which was a joy. MiL never phoned her up to congratulate her or send a card. In addition to this my second D got married last week and once again MiL never phoned to congratulate her, nor did she come to the wedding even though invited. When we asked her why she through a tirade of abuse at us accusing us of everything she could think of and saying that she resented her GD's because of this. This has been very distressing and my two daughters are both very upset that they were not contacted durng such special times in their lives. We have done nothing and have always tried to support MiL in every way, even though we have always lived a long distance away(sometimes overseas) so it's not always been easy to do so . I am not sure that I have ever heard of a GM do this to her grandchildren and I too am very hurt by this.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Sep-17 17:28:39

What does your father in law have to say about it?

mcem Thu 14-Sep-17 18:00:02

And your husband?

wildswan16 Thu 14-Sep-17 18:45:09

I'm sorry there has been distress caused by MIL But to be honest, if she has behaved as you describe - why would you want a relationship with her anyway? Some people just aren't worth the trouble. She has lost the opportunity to be involved in her grandchildren's lives and may or may not regret that.

Enjoy your family in the knowledge that you tried hard for a long time. Enough is enough.

bugsy555 Thu 14-Sep-17 18:59:18

You'll never change a woman like that. She likely believes that all the problems in the relationships your fault and therefore will not back down from her hardened, spiteful position. Please stop encouraging your daughter's to have a relationship with her because they will be disappointed time and time again. Luke the OP said enough us enough - you've carried on with the relationship for far longer then you should have.. give it up and move on

tanith Thu 14-Sep-17 21:19:15

My childrens Grandmother my ex mil has never shown any affection or any interest in their lives from the time they were born hence. She is now 93, alone and it's no surprise that they have no affection for her or much interest in her very sad and lonely life. It's a very sad situation you find yourself in but you cannot control her behaviour. It's no wonder your children are upset.

M0nica Thu 14-Sep-17 23:35:52

The majority of women are at sometime in their lives MiL. So just as women come in all shapes and sizes and all types of personality from delightful to nasty, so the same applies to MiL.

Your MiL is probably an unpleasant woman. Full stop. If she doesn't want to involve herself in her grandchildren's lives, that is her problem not yours. You have done your best. Do not have unrealistic expectations about change in her and get on and enjoy your children's and grandchildren's lives and ignore her.

As for not having heard of a grandparent ignoring grandchildren or favouring another child's children, I am amazed. It is such a common problem. My paternal grandmother did not like my mother, she wanted her son to marry someone of her choosing, and she didn't like me because I was too much like her. My sister and I had to spend some holidays living with her when we were in our teens and our parents lived overseas. Whenever I was pleased about something, she could be guaranteed to pop my balloon. I got used to it. Since I had a maternal grandmother who was everything my other grandmother was not and I adored her, I was quite content.

Count your blessings. There are a lot worse problems in life

Nelliemoser Thu 14-Sep-17 23:42:32

All of which sad stories makes me realise how lucky I was with my lovely MIL and my daughters MIL.
I agree with bugsy555 it s probably best not to push the relationship.

Baggs Fri 15-Sep-17 05:55:49

Why is not sending a card of congratulation on the news of pregnancy regarded as a slight?

Should I be miffed that I never got any from anyone let alone from my mother-in-law?


Forgive me but I think the opening post unpleasant towards the poster's mil. I'd hazard a bet that the mil in question has no idea how she has failed the expectations of her dil.

Luckylegs9 Fri 15-Sep-17 06:52:08

Is there a father in law? When you spoke on the telephone inviting her to the wedding, did she not say why she couldn't come, perhaps the travelling, the cost, if alone and not close to you would she feel excluded, I really thing your husband needs to find out why she isn't part of the family.if you have a father in law, what does he have to say. Has she really been wanted in your family, if the answer is yes and you have told her that and tried to involve her, then perhaps she might be just a dreadful person. She raised your husband, what is he like, what does he think? Her feelings would indicate why she didn't respond to the news of a ggchild, if she is not part of gd lives. If in your hearts you gave all done you best, then enjoy what you have with a clear conscience,this exciting new phase of your lives with a grandchild on the way.

Violetfloss Fri 15-Sep-17 08:47:00

There are women like this unfortunately. Im amazed that you havn't heard of grandparents favouring grandchildren while the others don't get enough time or attention. This obviously hasn't just happened she probley started with her children, favouring one over the other.

I would step back now. Your DDs are adults if they want a relationship with their grandmother they can on their own terms.

Newatthis Thu 21-Sep-17 18:29:29

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I think I have been trying too hard to create a 'happy families' situation and I realise that this is very unrealistic. My MIL is fully aware of how this has hurt us and our girls in the past as my husband has tried to her about it but she just verbally attacks. So yes, I will give up on it. Great to have the support from you.