What do I call her

Ellie ann Our daughter is married but has kept her maiden name ( much to her fil's annoyance!) so if we write or send something we put both names on as they just have a postbox in a block of flats with a tiny label for both. I often just double barrel them, its easier.

My own problem comes at Christmas in particular. How does one address an envelope, in a friendly manner, to a couple who although living together for many years (and who are possibly also parents) do not share the same surname. If I do not know them well it seems so stilted to write Miss - -- & Mr - -- which I worry that might (wrongly) indicate an element of disapproval.

On the other hand, My son and partner married a couple of years or so ago after xxx years living together. I refer to her as son's wife or The Boss. (sorry)

Call her gorgeous girlfriend

I refer to her as 'Jim's keeper'

I refer to sons gf as his partner but I do think of her as my d in law. What I find strange is when I'm sending them something and have to put both names on the envelope.

I call mine my daughter-out-law, it describes our relationship perfectly.

I also like bidey-in but don't hear it so much nowadays.

It is difficult. I remember going with DS to the hospital to visit my first grandson. He announced himself over the security system as **'s partner, and it just sounded so clinical, but boyfriend wouldn't have sounded right to me either. They didn't have a problem, which is really all that matters, but it's so much easier for me now they're married.

Just call them by their names.... and they are still young enough to be called boyfriend and girlfriend. What I absolutely can,t stand is when older people refer to their own new partners as their BF or GF...it absolutely makes me cringe.... there comes a time to recognise how inappropriate this sounds, why not just say friend or if they have moved in together partners.

Really no need at this stage to call her anything other than her name. They are young, not married and newly moved in together. Calling her daughter in law or anything else, presumes and can put unnecessary pressure on. Its lovely you like her and are happy with the situation.

Jackie surprised there isnt anything appropriate in german given that specific words like friends and acquaintances are used to differentiate a relationship where we usually just use the term friend, loosely, but i do like life traveller. Havnt heard that expression before.

People tend to refer to people in this position as partner but I don't like that either .

I'm glad my DS 2 has now married the mother of his child, so I don't have the same predicament any more.

There isn't so much inventive choice in German, either. I often lumped both of the girls together and called them my "Schwiegertöchter" - daughters-in-law.

"Partner" has the same connotations in German - business partner? Same sex partner?

And girlfriend ("Freundin") isn't enough if they have a child together.....

"Lebensgefährtin" - Life companion - usually refers to older couples.

My DD is married to a woman, they refer to each other as wife. DD's OH is my DiL, prior to the Marriage after their Civil Partnership I still thought of her as my DiL.

I found it difficult to find the right word for my DM's last Partner (both in their 80s). My DF died when I was 22. My DStep-F was adored (I knew him from birth as he was a family friend) died 18 years ago & no-one could replace him. Partner became the only reasonable word to use.

I agree a conversation is probably a good idea.

I call my son's lady my daughter-UN-law and of course, I'm her mother-UN-law. We both find it very satisfactory as people generally don't listen properly and mis-hear the UN for IN

My son and his 'partner' have been together for 25 years and have 2 children. They don't want to get married (in the legal sense) so it seems inappropriate to say D in Law! They are also business partners so I'd like to differeniate between the two roles they have together. In french DiL is Belle-fille which sounds lovely.
Also, having met my second husband in my 50s we clearly wanted to avoid the girlfriend/boyfriend label!
Both these relationships are so common now I think we should find a loving, inclusive and appropriate word to describe them.

Not sure if this has already been said but why not sit down with her and have a conversation about it? Calling her your DIL when she is not, or sons partner, other half, etc may cause her to feel awkward. Have the discussion and you will both feel happy with the outcome.

I think of my son's ex girlfriend as my DIL and she has my grandson. I don't see anything wrong with it. She's like part of the family. I get on ok with her and with my son - but seperately :D

Christinefrance Agree with you on that.However in my younger days !!!!! and as a mum myself I called my MIL nannie purely for the sake of my children.Knowing how kids can be I did not want them to call their nan by her christian name.
FIL was on several occasions called by my eldest by his christian name after hearing her nannie continually saying in desperation? no doubt, 'Oh Jack what now?'.

What you currently say sounds fine ie her name followed by J's girlfriend.

I have two daughters and three son in laws . One is an ex husband but I refuse to think of him as my ex son in law, causes some to look puzzled when I refer to my son in law's wife - he and my daughter remarried.

He is the son I never had, it was he who first suggested I move to the part of town where I now live, he said he would feel happier if I lived near him. He is my key holder, my contact number for the help line , and thank God his wife accepts our affection for each other , she is a darling.

I have the same problem. To me 'partner' smacks of a same sex relationship, particularly as she shortens her name and it sounds like a male name. I was fine with girlfriend or live-in girlfriend until they had a child, now it doesn't sound right, it doesn't signify their committed relationship To casual acquaintances I do call her my daughter in law for convenience. And I also refer to her as grandchild's mum.

'Other half' is growing on me, it does imply commitment without specifying exact 'legal' status.

Ah all these amazing women who accept their children's other halves and aren't trying to hold onto their adult children for themselves... gosh what wonderful women!

Just be thankful. Some of us wish their DIL was just their son's GF

Names are what you use when you're addressing the person, or referring to them when everyone knows who you mean. But if I want to mention my daughter's partner - perhaps to a friend, or on this forum- and I say, "Steve gets on well with my granddaughter" or "Steve helped me sort out my computer", it won't make any sense to the listener/reader who doesn't know Steve: is he my father? My grandson? My postman?

I refer to DD as "my daughter", to my DGC as "my grandchildren", etc. I need a word or phrase to describe my relationship to the man who lives with my daughter.

Partner seems to be the usual thing, it sounds better than girlfriend, and as they are living together not just dating, sounds more permanent.