Unsociable partner

My husband has a widowed cousin who lives alone and has a friendship group she meets almost every day for coffee in the same supermarket café. The situation you describe happens within that group of friends. My relative never invites people into her flat as she's ashamed of her lack of tidiness and tendency to hoard, yet she will accept any invitation to visit any of the other friends. At the same time, there are others within that circle who are like her and wouldn't even give their home phone number or address to any one of them because of particular circumstances at home, i.e., a difficult spouse, poor surroundings. The friendship seems to be the important thing and if it is sustained outside the home then stick with it.

You are right Bluebelle we have been here before but I guess this is quite a common problem, if it is a problem. I have friendships where I have been the one going to their house and also at various times when someone prefers to come to me, just carry on meeting up and leave the men out of it, there are all kinds of friendship. As for not being asked to the party, well it would have been interesting to have a look at his friends but otherwise wouldn't worry about it. See thread about those who dread being asked to parties!

I agree with MissAdventure, spot on. I couldn't give a monkey's about his birthday, if he is as you say...not very nice. But don't lose a friendship over the fact that she doesn't invite you to dinner...in the scheme of things it doesn't matter as long as you enjoy yourself when you are with her.

I feel for your friend, I've never been able to invite friends to my home since ill health made my DH (never very welcoming to my friends) extremely short tempered and rude.
Please stick with your friend! I was honest with my friends and they have been a wonderful understanding support to me through difficult times. I couldn't manage without them.

Eloethan speaks sense. Enjoy the friendship with her, lots of husbands can cause problems like this, and she probably is put in awkward positions by him. I'd be glad just to be away from him. Why not meet sometimes at a really nice cafe for time out for her

I think you had a lucky escape not being invited to his birthday bash, imagine what his mates must be like????

You don't need to be friends with the couple, they are still individual people, don't let him being a bore spoil a good friendship.

I find it is quite common that wives socialise with their own and their husbands' friends and their partners but husbands are less comfortable socialising with their wives' friends and partners.

It doesn't really bother me. I meet up with my own friends (minus their partners generally) on a regular basis and my husband meets up with his friends (minus their partners) occasionally. I count my husband's friends and their partners as being my friends too, though I'm fairly sure that if we were not together they would maintain their friendship with him but not me.

I don't think your friend means to be unkind or impolite. She was probably in an awkward position since it was his birthday. If you don't like him you can bet your life he doesn't like you either so presumably you wouldn't be a chosen guest. You were probably saved from a not very enjoyable evening - and anyway you said you wouldn't have gone - perhaps your friend realised this.

My feeling is that you shouldn't let this spoil your friendship.

GB Have you thought that your friends OH knows you can see through him and that you know what a miserable person he is,I'd ignore him and keep your friendship with your friend as it is,its his loss.

This thread sounds very familiar I m sure I ve commented on one very similar not long ago or am I dreaming

Just to add..everyone thinks he's a great bloke..if only they knew

Thanks for your replies. I agree to a degree about just having the friendship between her and myself, that's fine. I am not into coupley stuff anyway, however I find it very odd that I I know all her family, get invited to certain stuff but not others.

I don't care for him at all, I would not have gone to the do. I just find it upsetting that I'm
Ok for some stuff but not for others.

She has enough people in her life to support her, she doesn't really need me.

She's your friend and you are hers. I'm not sure why you want to involve the men at all. My husband had a number of friends, tied in with work and his hobby, that I didn't particularly like. He wasn't all that keen on some of mine. As long as we didn't try to mixi it together it worked fine.
Just enjoy your friendship. No need for it to be a foursome!

Your friend probably feels dreadful about you not getting an invite but best if you leave it I think. If the is such a dreadful husband to her then it's possible you did not get invited because he did not want you there. Controlling behaviour it seems. Just carry on as usual with your friend it sounds as if she needs one .

I can identify with your friend - it's why I clicked on this thread! My DH isn't sociable either. Please carry on being a good friend to your friend. She has probably lost many friends in the past thanks to her DH's personality. If she's like me, her friends are probably very important to her as well. Keep up the good work!

I think it would depend on why she doesn't come to yours. Do you suspect that it is because her husband doesn't like her to go out.
If you enjoy her company and she also supports you when you need it the the friendship is between the two of you and there is no need for you to socialise with her husband. (doesn't sound like you are missing much)

That fact that her partner is a bit of an arse wouldn't make any difference to my friendship with her. It sounds as if she could do with good friends. I wouldn't be bothered about not being invited to his birthday do.