Unsociable partner

How sad, Luckylegs. My sympathies.

You don't have tobget on with him,nyour friendship is with her. Best friends are hard to find. I miss mine who died.

Well done, Grammy57! Portiatrue, I hope this is an inspiration to you. You feel you've "wasted" 40 years - please don't waste another day!

Gordonbonnet, I agree with radicalnan - you probably dodged a bullet! But why would your friend invite you to her dh's party if he's not friendly to you and you, obviously, don't like him? Maybe she didn't invite any of HER friends, ONLY HIS and some family. I know you feel a little bit slighted, but please try to get over that.

There's no social rule, that I know of, that says one has to invite everyone to everything. I imagine she invites you to events that are mostly about HER or that don't involve HIM or whatever. She has her reasons and they probably have everything to do with her marriage and nothing to do with you. Please continue to enjoy the friendship and be glad you don't have to celebrate HIS birthday!

elrel my friend has lots of support around her, I doubt she would be bereft if I wasn’t around. It was she who arranged the party, so her choice whether I was invited or not, as the case may be.

Haven’t mentioned to my DS, don’t want anything getting back.

I just noticed in the OP about her DS so you obviously were invited to his baptism. I'm wondering whether your DS has thoughts on the situation as he's friendly with her DS.

Your friendship may be very important to your friend as something distinct from her restrictive home life. See her where and when you are both able.
Have you asked her why she doesn't come to your house more often?
Whoever organised the party may not be aware of your friendship. If it was arranged by your friend or her children the guest list may have been limited to people with whom the husband gets on well. It could even have been organised by his golf club friends.

That's such a shame. I hope its not through his manipulations, but suspect it probably is.

missadventure I agree that controlling people can be very subtle, so much so that the 'victim' is unaware it's happening. My friend is definitely being controlled, financially too, but as I said that's her business.

I don't care for her DH and would never have gone if invited, but it still hurts. She is still my friend, but unfortunately I feel the friendship 'shifting' somewhat.

I think controlling partners don't necessarily forbid their partner to do things: its much more sneaky than that, which is how it manages to wear down a person to the extent that they avoid certain situations, rather than put up with silent treatment and such like.

Grammy57 can I just say"well done you". Enjoy your freedom !
And portiatrue please get out! Life's too short love! See a solicitor, get friends to help and live your life, before it's too late. Do it!!!!

These posts about controlling partners are so upsetting. I couldn't begin to imagine being controlled in such a way.

I know all relationships are different, we all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies. That said, both parties should allow the other the opportunities that may be open to them. Life is short, one person should not dictate to the other.

My dear friend will always stay loyal and married (commendable if it was an equal
partnership) but for me, I just couldn't do it.

Welcome to freedom Grammy57. I had to end a relationship 10 years ago because he was so controlling that seeing friends was difficult even away from the home.

We cant all be friends with our friends partners or husbands either. And our friends might need us and cant say - maybe out of loyalty - that their hubby is antisocial/jealous/controlling.

Gordonbennett try not to worry about this friendship just and enjoy the time you spend with your friend. There are so many different "levels" of relationships. I have a friend I see nearly every week and we talk about everything under the sun (and don't agree on everything!) but we don't socialise as couples though we like each others' husbands! We each have our own set of friends. Just keep on as you have been - you're such a good friend to this woman and I'm sure she appreciates you.

Well done you. Wish I had the gumption, think about it every day. 40 years next year and most of them miserable. I am a happy go lucky person with lots of friends and good social life, what a waste of life and it's all my own doing for being so weak. One day ...

granny no I don't think he stops her seeing me. I go to her when he isn't there, and yes we go shopping etc.

He is just not sociable with any of her friends, it's not personal. I think I've probably had 3 'conversations' with him in 25 years. I used to go round fairly regularly but sensed an atmosphere if he were there so I cut visits right back. Also she never came to me, that's another reason I cut my visits back.

And the party was a surprise one so he wasn't aware of the guest 'list'.

It's up to her what she does, but it does make me feel rather insignificant in her life.

It is what it is I guess, and I know my place.

Perhaps her husband won't allow her to visit you. Do you ever meet anywhere outside her home & do you have any privacy when you are there? Could you suggest meeting for coffee or lunch somewhere. If she says no, it would speak volumes.

He sounds very unpleasant and I doubt she had any say in the matter of the party, she may be feeling upset herself. I wouldn't think badly of her or end your friendship, I think it's a thing she really values.

It appears from the responses that this can be quite common. My friend is a dear sweet person, who I'm afraid, will accept whatever her 'D' H throws at her, she will never defend herself as she puts it "if I say anything he just makes it worse". I cannot identify with this kind of relationship thankfully, but it's hers and she can live how she pleases.

I intend to continue with the friendship, but it will purely be her and I only.

Thank you for all your responses

As others have said, leave out the husband and just arrange things with your friend. Go out for lunch, or a walk or invite her around for coffee instead of dinner to each other's houses.

I would not feel unduly concerned about the lack of an invite to his party, he can invite who he likes to his own event.

Some husbands/partners are just like that and there's no point wasting your time wondering why. Just accept and move on, creating happy times for you. x

Couldn't agree more with ''Thirdinline'. It sounds as if she has a controlling husband. My father was exactly the same with my mother and her friends. He even used to tell my mothers friends to go home if they came to the house to visit. Your friend needs you!

I just want to add that I have recently left my husband after 40 years, he controlled every aspect of my life. I think I was the one whose friends were saying "why does she do ... or why weren't we invited to ...." You never know what is going on in a marriage no matter how it looks from the outside - my advice is be there for your friend, let the rest float by, I don't know if your friend's marriage is anything like mine but if it is just a little - she needs you and maybe just can't tell you - I know I couldn't tell anyone until 19th July 2017 date I freed myself.

Be phlegmatic about the party.
Actually, I'd be quite relieved not to have been invited if his mates are all like him.

Surely you wouldn't have wanted to go to his party? So no loss there! Your friend probably had no say in the matter.

The important question is, does she go to other friends house that are her friends and not her husband's. ? If yes, I would wonder why she doesn't come to yours. If no, then it is not personal.

As for the his birthday party, not sure why he would invite you as you are his wife's friend not his.

I only see my friend every 4-6 wks due to distance although we text nearly every day.
I haven't seen her husband for about 3 yrs and even when she lived local we never got together as a foursome. Her H is nice enough but it's her and I that are friends.

Gordonbennett Upset/perplexed and wondering why
There has to be a problem behind closed doors
Any chance of inviting her over on some pretence ie that you want her advice This should give you an idea of the situation.