Unfaithful hubby

I do hope your death is not just round the next corner, but having said that at our time of life most of us have faced up to the fact that one day in the not too far off future we are going to die. Certainly, you as a cancer patient have had that fact forced upon you.

Years ago you chose to try and forgive your husband for his infidelity and to stay with him - maybe, I wasn't sure reading what you wrote, mostly for your children's sake.

Please try for both your own sake and his to talk to him about this now, explaining that it is taking up too much of your thoughts and your energy, which you do need to fight your cancer.

I think it is important that you get the best possible out of life for every minute of it and that obviously just is not possible while you are spending so much time and energy thinking of the fact that he did let you down very badly, all that time ago.

I hope I don't sound critical - I admire you for staying with your husband and forgiving him and I think it is fair enough to tell him how much he hurt you behaving as he did.

I hope you and he will be able to finally talk about his infidelity and its consequences for you and move past it, so you can enjoy this stage of your life together.

If you can't talk to him, or he won't talk to you, then I can see why you might want to write a letter, but please unless you really do want to hurt him, which I don't feel you do from what you wrote, do remember that if he does not get the letter while you are still alive, he can't ask you about anything you wrote that he might want to discuss.

How about writing to him now, asking for a free and frank discussion of the past?

Write the letter now as easier than a conversation and then talk talk talk it out, you do the talking, let all your feelings out in a calm but honest way, that will immediately release that horrible knot in your guts. Talk and cry until you are done then listen to him. It will bring it all back for a while but I think better than stewing and then gives you both the chance to spend the rest of your time together in peace hopefully x

I wonder if talking this through with someone else before you decide whether to write that letter or confront your husband as some people have suggested. Relate (used to be known as the marriage guidance council) will not only see couples but are happy to talk with one partner of the relationship. It might help to talk through your feelings and consider your options first. And asking hubby to go along with at a later date may help too. I think it's important that if you talk your hubby you focus on how you have been feeling without making further accusations because he's likely to get defensive. I do think the most important thing is for you to get support and counselling. It's true as we get older we do reflect on our lives and this certainly can affect how we view past experiences. Please don't let it fester any longer. You do t deserve to be unhappy. Xxx

My wife and I both worked in the NHS I 38 years and my wife 42 years, in that time my wife was asked numerous times for a date by doctors / visitors /male/female nurses.
I myself worked with some wonderful colleagues
it is fair to say from a platonic point of view I was very fond of most of them [not all] I was also asked by some of them if I would I like to know them "Better" . My wife used to come home and tell me that so and so had asked her for a date and her reply was always "No thank you I already have a date with my husband" My reply to those who asked me was "I wear my wedding ring for good reason not just for show".

If my wife was being pestered by another staff member she told me and I went and told them in no uncertain terms to back off. I thank god every second of the day for my wife and feel honoured and proud to have her as my wife. I can well understand the hurt that must be felt when one finds out that they have been cheated on. Try to put it out of your mind the best you can and let your husband carry the guilt that he was the one who cheated not you.
There is no way in a million years I would cheat on her.

Sounds like you are hell bent on revenge. The thing about revenge is that there is no satisfaction in getting it unless you are there to see it happen. As it is, you will write a spiteful letter which you will never see opened, and yes, the hurt and upset you cause at that time will be devastating, but you won't be there to witness it. Instead, after writing such a letter, you will think about it all day, every day, imagining the effect it will have. This will eat away at YOU and I imagine you will become more bitter and upset the longer it goes on. So, you have two options. You either shut up and live with it (as you have for so long) or you confront him, probably have an almighty row, but at least clear the air as far as you are concerned. Chances are, being a man, he has absolutely no idea of your festering resentment and the whole thing will be a shock and surprise, because he thought it had been dealt with and gone away. Then you can both deal with it (once again, in his view), make up and move on. I wish you both well and hope you can resolve this together.

I had an online 'affair'a few years ago, we never met but it was intense nonetheless...I was utterly flattered by the attention..As I'd only ever had one lady look twice at me (my good wife)..I was short and ugly growing up, with buck teeth..It hurt so much when girls used to say Urgh! About me at school, I've never forgotten it..Needless to say my dalliance was found out by my wife and daughters..And I am so deeply sorry...I dont think I'll ever be fully forgiven, that hurts, and so it should...It turns out, the lady, a married schoolteacher, was merely leading me on..As she enjoys doing with other men constantly........Just to put the Male side of the story....

Faraway gran, did you know for sure he had cheated? Did someone else tell you ? And you know he is still with you. I think you are dwelling on this at the moment as you are feeling so rotten. Yes perhaps you should talk to him about it. I wish you well.

You can't leave a letter like that to be read after your death that is cruel. you are angry. and you want revenge. I expect only sometimes you feel like that. You are better than that. What is frightening you about dealing with it now? that he'll leave you? Might he just not say he is sorry and comfort you? be direct. Be angry now and get over it. Don't be dependent on another for your happiness, life is a short gift make the most of it.

As many others have said I think deep and honest conversations in which you both speak about how it was from your own perspectives is the path to tread. This is really, really hard and painful stuff. If (and it is a very big if) you can do this it is a way of laying ghosts and also leaving legacies of forgiveness and grace, (hopefully not in the immediate future) but also in the longer term. This is not necessarily in a religious sense unless that resonates with you but as a person, wife and mother, grandmother. At this time, when you are facing serious health issues, it is not the time to contemplate the upheaval of separation or divorce. You are going to need all the support you can get. I do hope you receive all the love, care and support that you need over the coming months or years.

Talk to him now and tell him how you feel. Then forgive him, if he has been a good husband since his infidelity.
I was married to a serial adulterer - I ended up leaving the marriage behind.
I have just forgiven him in the last few months, after not seeing or speaking to him for many many years. So you can do it and you will feel better and can get on with fighting your ill health with his help. Good luck xx

These are your feelings not his. You have held on to them for whatever reason for a long time and you are ready to clean house. You could go see a therapist who will help you to examine your feelings. As a cancer patient you should have access yo complimentary therapies which may be a gentle alternative to full on therapy. Or you could look for a counsellor who specialises in cancer patients to discuss why the anger is surfacing now. If its any help, many people go to have very happy marriages after bouts of unfaithfulness, so what matters here is you.

As painful as it might be to start off a conversation about this with your husband you need to do so. Have your say then listen to what he says and go from there. He might genuinely wish this had never happened, but you can,t turn back the clock. Opening up to each other and airing your feelings is better than letting this fester and giving such unhappiness to you. A letter for him to open at a later date explaining your feelings is not a good idea. You do not say anything about the in-between years of how this impacted on your everyday lives, but it does sound like you have made a go of it together with your children. I do hope that you can resolve something for your own peace of mind.

Farawaygran, your faced with your own possible mortality and the need to get your house in order and I am guessing that your DH infidelity is unfinished business you don't want to leave. when you talk of leaving a letter you sound resentful, maybe that you are ill and he is not? I would take the good advice already given and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and how you deserve his honesty. I think you would actually be helping him as well as yourself. If something should happen to you with out clearing his conscience... It will bring you great reflief and allow you to concentrate on getting well. Positivity is key. Write the letter, pour your heart out and tell him you need to talk. That way you won't take him by surprise after all these years and give him a chance to think about what you have said before he responds. Then burn the letter together as an end to it and move forward.
I hope you work it out and wish you well in your recovery. Come back and let you know how your are doing xx

I’ve never understood how someone forgives betrayal and cheating, I don’t think, whatever the circumstances, I would ever forgive or forget., fair play to those who do though.

In this instance, if you tell him how you feel and he was understanding and on the same page, then great. What if he was dismissive/flippant about it, then how would that make you feel?

I would think about the consequences of your actions. Letting sleeping dogs lie sometimes is the best thing.

Good luck..I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do

If you do manage to talk to him...or indeed put your thoughts on paper and send it as a letter to him whilst you are both in the condition to discuss your feelings .. if you write say you want to discuss it... say ... next Monday..

Then you may clear the air... get a hold on how he feels... (if anything ...) and make plans based on that...

I know from personal experience that you (I) can "over think" aspects of life...

Talk it over... hopefully get through and over it ... and then make mutual plans to move forward and enjoy the rest of your lives with less concealed hurt...

Good luck x

I would write the letter now, and give it to him, often easier to write feelings down than express them face to face, then you have your starting point to work together. Also if you have a local hospice, you could go to counselling separately and then together, that often happens and is tremendously helpful - and it'f free!

It's so sad that you are suffering in this way, both with your physical illness and your mental state.

Open communication would seem to be the cure. Your husband is kind. Might he not be kind to you in your present state of ill health?

It's worth trying. The migraines etc might be from your treatment rather than from your own brooding. They might clear if you exorcise this ghost.

In any event, holding on to stress in this way will prejudice the outcome of your treatment. So do the best you can to pluck up the courage to ask for his help in clearing this cloud that lurks over you.

May it open up to blue skies and a happy outcome for your health.

Talk to him. Let him know you know and try to forgive him. You are capable as you've stayed with him all this time.

To live a long and happy life you need to talk this through with him. To leave a stinging letter for him to read won't help you and he could die before you leaving it all unresolved.

'He has kindness in him' your own words, tell him how that hurt you, he may have been mulling it over himself and wondering is the time is right for you both, to lay this to rest but not wanting to upset you by raising it.

My parents had what I considered a terrible, angry marriage, when she died she left him the most loving letter and he was heartbroken, love is a strange thing and should not be dictated by one episode years ago.

Don't hold on to any spite now it will eat away at you, speak to him about it.

I agree with DanniRae - if this is troubling you to this extent then the air needs cleared. DH will probably be totally amazed that it still troubles you.
I would put your feelings into a letter and give it to him, wait while he reads it and then have a talk about it.

He may be able to totally ease your mind and your remaining time together could be a joy.

My husband cheated on me 4 years after we married and even had a paternity claim against him, which was eventually dropped. I stayed with for the sake of the children. I don't think he ever loved me or even liked me. We tolerated each other. I was miserable ... I took out my frustration on the kids. Finally he fell in love with someone and married her. They are happy.
Although my children, are quite successful in their jobs, I feel, they have been damaged mentally and nurture an underlying antagonism towards me. I think they have forgiven their father for his infidelity and leaving, I think they feel I should have totally forgiven him.
So, Faraway Gran, I hope you manage to sort things out and I hope your treatment is successful and you live a long and happy life.xx

Can I just ask WHY you want your husband to suffer? Have you had a bad relationship ever since the affair? If you forgave him at the time why do you want him to feel bad now?

A lot of people make mistakes in life.

Only you know what happened in the years post affair. If he has hurt you constantly since then yes tell him but if he has been a good husband and father since... why do you want to resurrect it especially as you appear to want him to read it only in the event of your death

I really hope you have successful treatment and you have a long and HAPPY life ahead of you together

My thoughts are with you xxx

FarawayGran you could confront him, but would it do any good? If you want to make yourself feel better you could use the cushion technique. Set a cushion on a chair, give it your husband's name and pretend it is him. Tell him (it) exactly how you feel, swear if you want to, shout, scream call, (it) names. You can even thump it and kick it if you want to. Just believe all the time it is him.
As for the letter, write it if you want then set light to it and burn it, as it burns let all the negativity go.
The person we hurt most when we hold grudges is ourselves. Once you have got rid of all the resentment you can decide what you want to do and if you want to spend the time you have left with him, or if you would prefer to be alone.
Someone said the best revenge is a life well lived.
He was the one who strayed it is so wrong that you should be the one suffering. Don't let him have this power over you.

I would write him a letter telling him how you feel about the situation from the past and make it plain that you are really hurting and give it to him to read now. This will hopefully stop you tormenting yourself about the past and bring it all out into the open xx

No, the letter from beyond the grave seems a cruel thing to do, especially as he may not have ben unfaithful in the full sense of the word.However, as others have suggested, I would sit down and talk to him about how you feel.
This will help you move on with your life.