Unfaithful hubby

Tell him straight .!
Be honest with him!
He may regret it too and talking about it may make you feel easier while you are dealing with your illness .

Confront him and then divorce him.

I would confront him head on with how you have felt for all these years it is so sad that you have let it fester all this time,has he been a good husband and father since that time and if he has it would seem a shame to throw away any relationship that you now have,you are dealing with an illness and it would be far better to be spending your future years together in some sort of harmony don't you think.
If he has continued to have affairs well that is a totally different thing but do let him know how you have felt all this time he may not even realise how it has affected you.

Talk to him, don't let this ruin your life together. Do you think that he has been straight with you since that time.?If the answer is yes, there is no point festering over this as it will affect your recovery, you have to be positive. I would have been awful if had happened to me, wouldn't have let it go and the marriage would have failed. You did the right thing, he and you are still together and raised your family.vjust have the chat you might be surprised at his response.

I don't mean this to sound horrible but to leave him to find out how you feel after you're dead is cruel as he can never explain or talk it through and he may well suffer
Some questions .....was it a one off? Was it a short term one night thing or a longer relationship? Do you think he has ever strayed other than that one time ? Has he been a good husband a good provider apart from this?
How much better to have tackled him at the time got it out in the open and dealt with it one way or the other but you didn't, now you need to or it will eat you up for ever

I have the feeling that you just want DH to be honest with you, however to achieve this, you must be honest with him.
When we all reach older life it is natural to become retrospective of our lives and relationships and things that went unsaid.
In no way am I condoning your DHs past behaviour, but many men are tempted by an attractive damsel in distress and totally flattered by the attention. But he chose you.
Please consider what you would ultimately gain by leaving him that letter?
I don't believe that you really want him to "suffer a bit". Just that you need an admission of the truth and the apology that you are entitled to.

I suppose its part of "putting your affairs in order". I don't see anything wrong with leaving him a letter. It doesn't have to be nasty; just explain to him exactly how you felt at the time, and how you've felt since.

You ask how to shake off the horrible feeling. Can you think of what would help you to feel better?

You could write the letter you speak of, then imagine leaving it for your DH and see how you feel about that.

You could tell him that this one thing still troubles you and that, as you stayed with him then and you are still there now, please could he be honest about it and apologise to you.

Those are my suggestions.

If you do leave him a letter in the 'hope' that he will know how much he hurt you ,it's sad to say you wont be there to see it.Far better to tell him now how much he hurt you, you will then have chance to see his reaction & hopefully his remorse & his love & help for you now with what you are facing. Sending you the love & support .

No, the letter from beyond the grave seems a cruel thing to do, especially as he may not have ben unfaithful in the full sense of the word.However, as others have suggested, I would sit down and talk to him about how you feel.
This will help you move on with your life.

I would write him a letter telling him how you feel about the situation from the past and make it plain that you are really hurting and give it to him to read now. This will hopefully stop you tormenting yourself about the past and bring it all out into the open xx

FarawayGran you could confront him, but would it do any good? If you want to make yourself feel better you could use the cushion technique. Set a cushion on a chair, give it your husband's name and pretend it is him. Tell him (it) exactly how you feel, swear if you want to, shout, scream call, (it) names. You can even thump it and kick it if you want to. Just believe all the time it is him.
As for the letter, write it if you want then set light to it and burn it, as it burns let all the negativity go.
The person we hurt most when we hold grudges is ourselves. Once you have got rid of all the resentment you can decide what you want to do and if you want to spend the time you have left with him, or if you would prefer to be alone.
Someone said the best revenge is a life well lived.
He was the one who strayed it is so wrong that you should be the one suffering. Don't let him have this power over you.

Can I just ask WHY you want your husband to suffer? Have you had a bad relationship ever since the affair? If you forgave him at the time why do you want him to feel bad now?

A lot of people make mistakes in life.

Only you know what happened in the years post affair. If he has hurt you constantly since then yes tell him but if he has been a good husband and father since... why do you want to resurrect it especially as you appear to want him to read it only in the event of your death

I really hope you have successful treatment and you have a long and HAPPY life ahead of you together

My thoughts are with you xxx

My husband cheated on me 4 years after we married and even had a paternity claim against him, which was eventually dropped. I stayed with for the sake of the children. I don't think he ever loved me or even liked me. We tolerated each other. I was miserable ... I took out my frustration on the kids. Finally he fell in love with someone and married her. They are happy.
Although my children, are quite successful in their jobs, I feel, they have been damaged mentally and nurture an underlying antagonism towards me. I think they have forgiven their father for his infidelity and leaving, I think they feel I should have totally forgiven him.
So, Faraway Gran, I hope you manage to sort things out and I hope your treatment is successful and you live a long and happy life.xx

I agree with DanniRae - if this is troubling you to this extent then the air needs cleared. DH will probably be totally amazed that it still troubles you.
I would put your feelings into a letter and give it to him, wait while he reads it and then have a talk about it.

He may be able to totally ease your mind and your remaining time together could be a joy.

To live a long and happy life you need to talk this through with him. To leave a stinging letter for him to read won't help you and he could die before you leaving it all unresolved.

'He has kindness in him' your own words, tell him how that hurt you, he may have been mulling it over himself and wondering is the time is right for you both, to lay this to rest but not wanting to upset you by raising it.

My parents had what I considered a terrible, angry marriage, when she died she left him the most loving letter and he was heartbroken, love is a strange thing and should not be dictated by one episode years ago.

Don't hold on to any spite now it will eat away at you, speak to him about it.

Talk to him. Let him know you know and try to forgive him. You are capable as you've stayed with him all this time.

It's so sad that you are suffering in this way, both with your physical illness and your mental state.

Open communication would seem to be the cure. Your husband is kind. Might he not be kind to you in your present state of ill health?

It's worth trying. The migraines etc might be from your treatment rather than from your own brooding. They might clear if you exorcise this ghost.

In any event, holding on to stress in this way will prejudice the outcome of your treatment. So do the best you can to pluck up the courage to ask for his help in clearing this cloud that lurks over you.

May it open up to blue skies and a happy outcome for your health.

I would write the letter now, and give it to him, often easier to write feelings down than express them face to face, then you have your starting point to work together. Also if you have a local hospice, you could go to counselling separately and then together, that often happens and is tremendously helpful - and it'f free!

If you do manage to talk to him...or indeed put your thoughts on paper and send it as a letter to him whilst you are both in the condition to discuss your feelings .. if you write say you want to discuss it... say ... next Monday..

Then you may clear the air... get a hold on how he feels... (if anything ...) and make plans based on that...

I know from personal experience that you (I) can "over think" aspects of life...

Talk it over... hopefully get through and over it ... and then make mutual plans to move forward and enjoy the rest of your lives with less concealed hurt...

Good luck x

I’ve never understood how someone forgives betrayal and cheating, I don’t think, whatever the circumstances, I would ever forgive or forget., fair play to those who do though.

In this instance, if you tell him how you feel and he was understanding and on the same page, then great. What if he was dismissive/flippant about it, then how would that make you feel?

I would think about the consequences of your actions. Letting sleeping dogs lie sometimes is the best thing.

Good luck..I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do

Farawaygran, your faced with your own possible mortality and the need to get your house in order and I am guessing that your DH infidelity is unfinished business you don't want to leave. when you talk of leaving a letter you sound resentful, maybe that you are ill and he is not? I would take the good advice already given and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and how you deserve his honesty. I think you would actually be helping him as well as yourself. If something should happen to you with out clearing his conscience... It will bring you great reflief and allow you to concentrate on getting well. Positivity is key. Write the letter, pour your heart out and tell him you need to talk. That way you won't take him by surprise after all these years and give him a chance to think about what you have said before he responds. Then burn the letter together as an end to it and move forward.
I hope you work it out and wish you well in your recovery. Come back and let you know how your are doing xx

As painful as it might be to start off a conversation about this with your husband you need to do so. Have your say then listen to what he says and go from there. He might genuinely wish this had never happened, but you can,t turn back the clock. Opening up to each other and airing your feelings is better than letting this fester and giving such unhappiness to you. A letter for him to open at a later date explaining your feelings is not a good idea. You do not say anything about the in-between years of how this impacted on your everyday lives, but it does sound like you have made a go of it together with your children. I do hope that you can resolve something for your own peace of mind.

These are your feelings not his. You have held on to them for whatever reason for a long time and you are ready to clean house. You could go see a therapist who will help you to examine your feelings. As a cancer patient you should have access yo complimentary therapies which may be a gentle alternative to full on therapy. Or you could look for a counsellor who specialises in cancer patients to discuss why the anger is surfacing now. If its any help, many people go to have very happy marriages after bouts of unfaithfulness, so what matters here is you.