Unfaithful hubby

Oh, elfies, what a terrible way for your mum to go out! What a horrible last memory! Was she an abusive person in general? If so, then this was just her final act of abuse. If not, then it was probably just the illness talking or, perhaps, whatever medication they had her on.

Either way, it doesn't really mean anything. It says something about her and nothing about you. If it's causing you nightmares though, some counselling may be in order to help you exorcise yourself of this cruel demon. xx

Please have this out with him now ,and try to talk it out . Don't tell him how you feel in a letter to read after you die . My mum told me she didn't like me just before she died , and years later its still in my head and I have nightmares

As a counsellor, I would say that this is something you need to deal with, upfront. Talking about it could heal the pain. Leaving a letter which will hurt him after you have gone doesn't feel good. Maybe he regrets it too, so give him (and yourself) the chance to repair. If there is an afterlife, you may have indefinite time to regret your actions.

Drummerman, so sorry for all you've been through. TG, you have a loving family.

Crazy, do your ac resent you for not forgiving their dad or for having taken your hurt and anger out on them? My guess is the latter. Have you ever apologized?

FarawayGran, I'm so sorry about your cancer and, also, your concerns about dh. I agree with those who feel the cancer is causing you to dwell on the past more than ever - what dh might have done, what your mother said, etc.

I'm a little confused, though, about whether it was just one affair or if you think he has cheated again since then. Was this one foolish mistake years ago or do you feel he's an unfaithful man, period?

Like yourself, I don't see what good talking to him will do if he's just going to deny everything. Maybe it would be good to get your feelings out there. But I sense you want an apology, and I don't believe your going to get one, let alone an admission of guilt.

So I'm joining those who say to discuss this with a counselor. Get some help sorting out your feelings. Then you can decide how to go forward.

If I read this correctly, it was one affair many years ago. You got past it then, but are now brooding on it.
Firstly, nobody's perfect. For all you know he has regretted causing you pain then, and has no idea you are still fixated on it. Secondly, you are ill. You need more than just cancer treatment, you need treatment for depression too. See your doctor, and tell him. This state of mind won't help you with all other things you have to deal with.

How is he helping to care for you now? Is he being loving and supportive? You've stayed married to him for a long time since then and he will rightly be thinking he's been forgiven. Talk to a counsellor who is going to listen as an impartial observer and help you come to terms with things. I believe you'll be in a better place then to a) know whether you really need to have this discussion with your DH after all these years and b) how to approach it with him. A letter after death is not going to solve anything for you, and you're the one who needs to feel better and at peace.

My ex had several affairs I only discovered after the last one with my friend and with whom he left. I've found it hard to forgive and wasted several years now grieving for the loss of the man I thought he was. I know how rejection feels believe me, but if he''s been faithful and loving for most of your marriage is this really the time to confront him? Sit and make a list of all the good things he's done for you and ask yourself whether it's really worth destroying that for past hurts. Please seek professional help to deal with your emotions before opening up about your hurt feelings to him at this time.

It's hard I know, but you need peace of mind and there's more than one way to achieve that.

I've come to this late in the day. So sorry to hear of both your illness and your deep anxiety about your husband's past. I agree that leaving a letter to be opened after isn't the right thing to do - aside from your husband's shock imagine how your children will feel and the strain that would put on their relationship with their father along with their grief. Least said soonest mended really. Someone mentioned counselling - do you have someone outside of your family you could talk to - maybe a health worker? You've not really said how your relationship has been since you found out all those years ago - has this festered all these years and destroyed it or have you managed to move on and all these feelings have just surfaced due to your illness? If you feel brave enough speak to him about how you've felt but you're dealing with your illness right now so you probably don't need the added stress of a confrontation on top. As for the key we've both had keys on our keyrings we can't identify - I wouldn't read anything into that or the words of your mother on your wedding day - she might have said that in jest.

You've said it was years ago. Leave it in the past. And certainly don't leave him a letter to be read after you die. The fact that you're still together surely means you at least care about one another. why give him even more grief, that would be cruel beyond belief.

Lizzy67, I am speechless, but admire your sense of humour !

farawaygran.
I have a feeling that it may also be
The 'Other' woman who is also causing pain.
If you do decide to write a letter to your husband and then burn it as others have suggested,
Would it also be cathartic to write and burn a letter to the 'other' women in question?
And maybe a letter to your late mother to explain how her words had such a negative affect on your life.

I would not write a letter to be opened after your death. You say he denied it when asked, and you stayed with him which some form of acceptance.

You cannot change the past and, although you are now ill, there would be little point in continuing to have negative thoughts. It will be of no help.

Ask yourself this question - would you be any happier if he did admit to it? You have a choice - talk to him about it again or leave it.

Me? I would leave it and look at all the happy/positive times you have spent together and let it go. If you would gain happiness from an admission then fine, go ahead and and broach the subject, but I guess you would not be happy and it would just add another layer of sadness to your life.

Take care lovely lady. xx

Bluebelle Walk in another ones shoes.
An illness if terminal and strong medication necessary can bring to the surface that which has laid hidden for many years..To not know can be worse than knowing.Giving another kindness is not an excuse to be unfaithful .Leaving a letter for 'after' is of no benefit as the questions will remain unanswered and the suffering of the recipient, if there should be. unknown to the writer of the letter.

My mother-in-law suffered from mental health problems and always kept notebooks. After her death my father-in-law read them and was devasted by some of the things she wrote in there about him and their relationship. It's obviously up to you, but I think it's only fair to both of you talk about it now.
My husband was unfaithful once but we moved on. It happened very early in our marriage when we were going through a difficult time. We've just celebrated our 38th anniversary. He's an amazing man. Been a wonderful father and grandfather, and is my best friend. I'm so glad we were able to move past it.

a long long time ago my hubby had a one night stand and I found out about it by looking in his diary which he left on his desk in our bedroom. needless to say I was furious. our relationship went from bed to worse while I sulked about this. eventually ( after several weeks) he told me I had to stop or our marriage would be seriously damaged. I thought about this. Neither of us had the money to move away. so we stayed together. now, after a couple of months of brely speaking we were sitting together one evening watching telly. he turned to me and said, 'Christ, love, you should have seen her tits. They were like ski-jumps!' I just started laughing. I had always had nice boobs. This was the start of the thaw. we have got along famously ever since. I don't think he's strayed since. so it can be lived with. in fact, last week, he leant across from h is arm chair and apologised for his transgression. needless to say it had been acdepted long ago!

FarawayGran. Having just read your reply I think I would now suggest you find the help and support you need from talking to a councillor...maybe one could help you through your cancer care. It would allow you to get all this unhappiness out into the open with someone who is trained to deal with lots of different problems and to help you feel better. You need to feel free of all this stress so it can help with your recovery.

I so feel for you ?And there is no easy answer. I have supported several friends thro this, and unless you have absolute concrete evidence, most men will just deny everything. Many will try and make out that you are paranoid for even suggesting it, turning any guilt back on you. Then if there is concrete evidence, you will get the " it didn't mean anything" as if that makes it ok. One husband who was caught out, actually said to my friend " you would really like her if you met her" ..... speechless. Unless you have a lie detector you will just never know. Tell him that you 100% know he cheated despite his denials, then only you can know deep down if you want a divorce. He should have the decency to give you the truth and peace of mind at this time of your life too. You don't say if you still love him ?

I think most people from our generation had that warning from parents. Most of us were married at an age which is still considered almost still childhood today - we were engaged at 19 and married at 20 ( we still needed parental agreement at that age) and the priest who married us said "oh, you ARE children"). So I don't think you can read too much into the comment made so long ago. Like I say, you really need to either discuss it and reopen all the old wounds, or choose to forget and move on.

Why stay with an unfaithful man? There's no reason to be miserable, grumpy and unhappy giving yourself migraines. Divorce him and spend you final years in peace.

Try talking to him now. To leave a letter for him to read would be a rather nasty thing to do. You say that this happened a long time ago, so I really think that your illness is causing you to let all your negative feelings take over. Try to get it sorted as soon as you can, because you need a positive attitude to help you through your ill health. I had cancer almost 20 years ago, and was told by my surgeon that it was my attitude that helped me through. If you can't talk to your husband, then write a letter, but give him it now. My best wishes to you, xxx

What a horrible situation. I understand why you stayed but if it is causing so much angst please be open and honest on what you know and how you feel. How can he rectify his side of the problem if he is unaware of your true feelings. Even if he denies everything he should at least shoulder his guilt and let you live your life with relative peace. A frank honest airing at least is needed for you to decide your way forward, he appears to have had his cake etc about time you had yours.

Oh dear FarAway you really are exorcising demons from the past aren't you?

I think your mother's comment was a pretty typical one from that era - my grandmother said it to my mother on her wedding day and even in my younger days it wasn't unheard of to hear a parent say something similar.

The thing with your husband though is something else because the past is obviously intruding into the present. I think perhaps you could ask yourself if remaining married is better than the alternative and if so is there anything you can do to improve life now. Is there a friend or family member who knows you both and you can talk to? Someone who can listen as you talk through your feelings and the options you have?

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support.
My husband certainly falls for the 'Damsel in Distress'
I believe had an affair with (who I thought) was a good friend. I suspected things at the time and didn't take up the offer of another friend who suggested going round to X's house to see if his car was there. I said No as I realise now that I didn't want to face the truth. This was in the early years of our marriage. I never confronted him. We moved away, and years later we met up.
She said 'I thought you wouldn't want to speak to me' and from the expression on my face she thought I didn't know what she meant.
Funnily enough, I can accept his infidelity more easily than the other one.
I never accused him then, so I think he thinks he got away with it.
He strongly denied the affair with the woman from work, even when he came home with a love-bite on his neck.
I recently found a strange door key on his keyring and lost the plot. I accused him of infidelity and he was so angry and wouldn't speak to me for ages. Said he didn't know what the key was for.
I have to admit I am apprehensive about confronting him. The letter is probably a bad idea. As you said, I should get it all out in the open, but I know how he will react - deny, deny, deny and we will have had a row with no closure.
I shall tell you all something that I have never told anyone.
As we were preparing for the wedding my mother said to me - 'If it doesn't work out don't think you can come running back here' What do you make of that?

With your illness comes vulnerability. Perhaps this unfaithfulness has become important as a way of expressing fears surrounding your cancer. You need, very badly, for him to be steadfast and by your side throughout this time. Maybe this is all about reassurance that he'll be there for you now, no matter what.
However, I think you absolutely must not suffer with worry and stress related migraines, you've got to talk with him and put yourself first now. You've borne this for so long. It's time to be free of it.

I have read and heard it said that adultery does not necessarily have to be the thing that breaks a marriage, but it is a symptom that the marriage needs some attention.

I am not for one minute saying adultery is ok, but the remark points to it being less than a black and white issue.

There must have been some substance to your marriage for it to have survived all these years, but now you are facing a new phase, it is not surprising that you ponder these things once more.

Like others, I do feel it would be better to bring your feelings into the open with your H. They have not been faced and dealt with. You may not even want to 'punish' him really, but the turmoil you are in needs to be relieved.

I think some men are never forgiven, some men never forgive themselves and if you can work on this together, even if the beginning is raw and needs must you have to express hurt again, it might be an opportunity for you both to find more peace of mind.

Only you will know if you have nursed these feelings over the many years that have followed, or if you were able to forgive and forget for a time and that other things have triggered a return of sadness - possibly because you feel vulnerable in life for other reasons now. Maybe there is a positive balance to be found with sharing and receiving what seems to be necessary reassurance from him, without making him feel he has burdened you all the way through.