How do I get DH to do his share? Long post, sorry!

I'm ducking here because I'm afraid I'm standing with paddyann on this one. Staying at home when your children are pre school is great if you can afford it but staying at home until they are in their twenties is a bit unusual. Surely they didn't need looking after for all those years. Perhaps the husband is feeling a little resentful of working hard all those years while his wife stayed at home. I understand the need for change but think it might take some time.

Sorry if this is harsh but I wouldn't put up with it . Tell him straight that is he doesn't do things they won't get done. He won't like not having a meal on the table , not having his clothes washed and until he helps with these sort of things they won't get done . He will get the message eventually ( I think) . There may be a few bust ups but stick to your guns.

It is like a mirror image of my life. Apart from the fact I have always worked until I had a series of strokes. Even then I still went back to work. But was then told I was unemployable. Slowly but surely once I gained my mobility and strength from different operations. I was given mre duties by my DH. In my head I plan to lve evry day. Deep down I know he won't change and neither will the abuse. But (paddyann) the longer anyone is in this position they dnt have the belief in thmslvs. I actually do days of lving the duties totally. My sons partnership has broken down so he is bck hme living too. He chngs his clothes 3 X day. Then leaves on flr for the said maid to cln up. My DH watches bank account like an hawk and demands to know where evry penny is. So I wld nvr get to escpe.
I like a quiet life so wish I cld get the easy way out and go to work. Running a house keeping it clean decorated and stocked up with meals is not a 2 hr job . I also go to chemo and radio with my DF. So got enough going on without leaving and being homeless.

Sounds like an arrogant lazy barsteward!! And you can bet your life he ain't never gonna change, that's for sure. he's got away with living an indolant life where he's waited on hand, foot and flea and I hate to say this but you are partly to blame by letting him get away with it for so long. I would suggest taking a long holiday on your own and leaving him tuit. Wne you get home present him with an ultimaton, either or. Simple but I bet a pound of sausages you won't.

paddyann - I also think your comments are cruel and unfair. Having been a stay at home mum when my son was young the plan was to go back to work when he moved up from infants to junior school. It wasn't going to be easy as my husband has always worked away and I was virtually a single mum, albeit one who had someone to pay the bills. My sons school move coincided with the death of both of my parents and my diagnosis of cancer and discovering the fact that I had a genetic fault which causes numerous cancers. My life became one of constant hospital appointments and so I did not feel it fair to expect any employer to take me on and I became a permanent stay at home mum, doing everything, administering his business paperwork, and even mowing the lawn at times when my husband wasn't even making it home at weekends. I can assure you it was not the easy option. When I read the original post I could have been reading about my own life with the added fact that I, in spite of my own health problems have been expected for the last 13 years to organise his mothers life - shopping, bill paying, taxiing etc after she moved near to us following the death of my father-in-law. Some days I feel like I have had no life of my own, but my husband has allegedly retired and I am hopeful that things will change! I just need to train the dishwasher, washing machine and iron not to attack anyone male who approaches them - it's obviously been happening for years!!!!

Decide what housework it is fair for you to do and then do that. The world will not end if the dusting is not done for a while (I have tested this). Stop and have a meal on the way home occasionally and then tell him that you are too tired to cook - or just in some way readjust your life so that you only do what you want.
He won't do it because he doesn't have to. His life hasn't changed and he sees no reason that it should.

Sharon123 I like Marylizas' 3 columns - i.e "Yours", "Mine" and "Ours" and if he won't respond to that you could just do what you consider to be fair and grit your teeth and stick to it.! If the worst that can happen is verbal abuse can you not say you're not going to argue and don't respond to his bullying.
I'm sorry to be blunt but if you have spent your life being a doormat it's wrong not to expect to be walked on.

The answer is simple. Just stop doing everything. Sounds hard I know but if you stop he will be able to physically see what you do. You make no mention of your feelings for this man. Maybe the time has come for you to make a life of your own. It will definitely be easier. Good luck...

I know that many of us men don't do enough around the house, and Sharon123's story rings absolutely true, except that perhaps it's a bit worse than average. Changing the balance of power in a relationship is fraught with difficulty. The chances are that even if you leave this person (a drastic decision, of course) you might find yourself lapsing into the same unbalanced relationship with someone else, or resign yourself to living alone. It's similar to the way a battered wife often gets attracted to domineering bullying men.

Husbands resent being "nagged" so you have to avoid sounding like a nag. Also, they resent seeing their sons fussed over by a doting mother who resents fussing over her husband in the same way (a version of sibling rivalry) so you have to be aware of that and be at least as strict with your children (assuming they're over 15) as with your husband, firmly requesting help with laundry, peeling potatoes, vacuum cleaning, emptying bins.

How to avoid being a stereotypical nag? The suggestion of writing lists on a piece of paper isn't a bad one but it ought to be prefaced with a discussion. Something along the lines of "I'd like to talk about something that has been bothering me for a long time. Is this a good time? Tell me when would be a good time to discuss it" followed eventually by "I'm not happy. I've not been happy for some time. I'm sure you'd want to know so that we can do something about it before it's too late. If this marriage is going to work, I think there need to be some changes. I know a lot of couples split up after the children are grown up. I don't want that to happen to us, but I'm afraid it might happen if I can't see a way through this. I want us to share the chores more equally. " Then be ready with your reasons why he can't simply assume that being the breadwinner entitles him to total exemption from all the chores. A marriage has to be a partnership of equals and if one person plays the role of a servant it damages the marriage "and I have to think about whether I'd actually be happier by myself, perhaps with you visiting from time to time".

Chances are that if he sees you mean business he'll react with alacrity and offer to do much more. But it might be short-lived. You will have to remind him about things that need doing.

The other (or next) option is relationship counselling. An organisation such as Relate can offer you the opportunity to come along and discuss how you each see the marriage, with an impartial mediator helping you to see each other's point of view.

All that was probably "mansplaining", by the way

Why would he change? Life is exactly how he wants it. Comfortable, known, traditional. A lot depends on how much he values you as a person and as a partner in life and how motivated he is for renogiating your marriage. If he values you but it is struggling to see the need for any change then discussion etc may help. A lot also depends on how invested YOU are in this marriage. What do you get out of the marriage? Security, safety, companionship, social position? Could you imagine life without him? As a single woman after all these years? There is an oft quoted but very true saying " Take what you want from life and pay the price". Everything we do do has a price or cost (not in the monetary sense) and we need to accept that. Whether you stay or leave each pathway will have a cost. It all depends on what is most important to you and what price you are prepared to pay.

There are some very sensible suggestions here, so I hope you find it possible to follow some of them.

One thing you need to take into account and discuss with your husband is what he wants to do and visualises is going to happen when he reaches retirement age. But when you both retire, you are surely not going to continue your hard slog at home while he does d***n all, are you?

After all things are already changing - while you had children growing up and living at home, he earned the money and you did the housework and no doubt nine-tenths of raising your children. To me it makes good sense if you start expecting him to do some housework now, with an eye to the future.

Like all people (not only men) who have never done any housework your DH thinks it's a walk in the park, which all housewives know it is not. Could you take a holiday and leave him to find out how hard work it is to keep house, pay the bills etc. Or even better get a job so far away for three months that you won't be living at home?

that would really give him time to find out what you have been doing all these years, as he still seems to think you have "just been sitting at home"!

Coconut, good to see someone who actually remembers the ending of Shirley Valentine.
Most people seem to think she went off with the Greek guy.

It's not easy! The list is a great idea but you have to stick to it too and only do your jobs. I moved the goalposts about 5 years ago and OH didn't/doesn't like it. He still does the bare minimum (badly) but I'm learning to ignore his creased clothes! Ironing .... Only my own clothes! Washing ditto.
But it really is no way to live.

There's nothing 'easy' about being a stay at home wife. Far from it. My days were filled with DIY gardening washing cars all boookwork ..... Everything! And I was heavily involved with our business and my own small business, from the comfort of home.

My SIL was shocked to find me packing my husbands case when we were going on Hols.

Nothing changed when my health started to take a downward turn and I needed help! So only I could change.

Do a list and mean it. Some men behave like small spoilt boys and will never change unless they want to! It saddened me to read your post. You're young enough to move on ....
I doubt he'll change when he retires! Hardly a partnership is it .....

Good Luck x

There are some great suggestions here but the main one is that you change yourself. Get another job. Part time will do. Hire a cleaner. Do the weekly ahop on line. Book a holiday with a friend . If no friend comes to mind the University of Third Age is a good source. Leave the paperwork in a tidy pile for him and ask him if he has time to try for cheaper utility quotes. Take up golf bridge/ pilates/ good works/ politics/ dancing. Get out of the house several times a week. It will give you energy and fresh thinking. Dont try to change him. It only brings sadness. .

OP, you said "he wanted me to work (to suffer like he has to, rather than have an easy life at home), and he wants me to earn money"

Can you start a discussion from that viewpoint? Eg, As you would like me to go out to work, I won't be able to do everything that I have been doing. What can you take on?

Quite honestly, on the house front I'd just do what you feel you ought to do , no more, no less. I don't think you'll ever change your DH after all theses years and perhaps you're only making a difficult situation worse by trying but I do think that perhaps you need to change your own attitude to reflect what YOU want! I'd certainly get a job, part/ full time, and any money you earn spend on yourself! Meals? There are brilliant ready made dinners etc these days, ironing? do the bare minimum. Leave the grass, or only do it occasionally along with the rest of the garden! If DH doesn't like it ,well, he must do it himself or you'll do it when you have the time and the inclination whenever that is!!! When you have a young family you do have to be head cook and bottle washer ALL the time and keep the show on the the road for the sake of family harmony which can be very wearing and dispiriting, but not now! Now there is only the two of you you can cut down on keeping house and concentrate on yourself and get out and about! There's a world out there go for it and 'hang spring cleaning!!!'

Years ago, I remember a competition for a Spa Break. You had to say what message you would leave your partner. The winning entry was a lady who said she would leave a recording of her husband saying "I don't know what you find to do all day"

Ditto verbally abusive/ and sometimes physically abusive husband. Many many times I've been on verge of leaving this lazy... smug... arse of a man. Always somebody talked me out of it!! Why oh why did I let them. Now it's too late and I bemoan the fact! Leave now..run, run , run and don't stop!! Whatever anyone says to you...even if you have to live in a bed-sit. RUN!!

Seriously, check out an assertiveness course, I did and it has been they best ever. U learn negotiation skills, in situations. I’d write a list and have a copy of what each of you will do. I’d still do the insurance cos it’s crucial it’s done, and mortgage etc. Say eg on a Sunday night, you will check the bills and organise crucial paperwork while he makes the tea. Show u are doing something at the same time as him. Say you will do the gifts for birthdays and he will do his, make sure u tell his family ! I find it works best if u say .
Do you want to do this chore while I do that one, or would u prefer the other task? Start small but firm.

You're really 30 years too late, aren't you. Just because one partner works 8+ hours plus commute to bring in the money, doesn't mean the other works 24/7 for free. Tasks should have been 50/50 when you were both at home together in the evenings and weekends.

Time to tell him there is to be a change now you are going out to work and your working hours will be the same i.e. you work p/t and doing household stuff up to the point he gets in, then tasks are equal. Don't argue about it, just stop doing things and only cater for yourself after work whatever the consequences are including no car insurance and refuse to go in the car with him until it's done.

I hope you have brought up your children to believe in equality or you have set the next generation up for family discord as well. You may have to think about separating if it is the right thing for you.

What will happen to him if you die first? Tell him he needs training for that possibility but, ultimately, you only have yourself to blame for the situation you are in because you have lead him to believe you are an unpaid housekeeper rather than an equal partner in this marriage.

When retired I find the hardest thing is to see your OH load HIS washing, mixing white cotton with dark sweaters and using a hot wash!

It's hard to change especially if you've been a great wife, cook, housekeeper, mum, builder, gardener, car mechanic and accountant! Hard but infinitely to the alternative!

On the plus side, my 'kids' still turn to me for advice ..... Never to their father.

It appears your H got himself a permanent housekeeper, nanny, cook, governess, laundress, gardener, maid, bookkeeper etc. All he's had to do is show up at work every day and bring home a paycheck.

A good paycheck however, is not the measure of a good husband. Counseling could work, but he would probably refuse. Show him this column instead.

The feedback should get his attention when he sees himself for what he really is...Selfish, unappreciative, insensitive and downright abusive! If he's still not willing to change or at least make some kind of compromise, you will need to make a choice. You can spend the rest of your life serving such a man or find your own (well deserved) freedom.

Do you love this man?

There doesn’t seem to be any love, on either side.

You have may be have 40 more years left, why spend it with someone like that?

I'm with paddyann and nanny27 on this one. Most people would have gone back to work either when their youngest child started primary or at the latest secondary school. They wouldn't wait until they left home. Don't really understand why they would wait until they had left home. However that being the case, might be a bit late to change the family dynamics now. Compromise might be to work part time outwith the home as the workload within the home must be considerably less now that all the children have left home. Also I think caocao's comments are a little bit unfair as her circumstances are quite different

Very good suggestions from many posters. My only suggestion would be, you have to make him take your requests seriously and he clearly doesn't and then you back down. You've probably confronted the subject before and not backed it up, so you need to say it,and mean it and not be trodden down by his aggressive behaviour. My advise would be go away for a few days break, build your confidence stand by the words you say whether you get beaten down verbally and let him survive without you while your away. Unless you say it and mean it nothing will change. Good luck