How do I get DH to do his share? Long post, sorry!

I worked full time for 46 years and did all the household chores etc, that you mention, alongside of it, without help. I am retired now and have got my household chores etc down to a fine art and have plenty of time to engage in other activities. So I find it difficult to have sympathy with your situation, only to say that you need to be organised and run the "household" with military precision, and not waste time on being indulgent, because I guarantee your husband is not going to change! Sorry to be so harsh but its the only way forward as I can see.

Sorry, outside the 'home!!'

Sometimes it's easier just to get on with things than have endless confrontation! I know this is the cowards way, but it does have advantages insomuch that you can run things as and when you see fit! Could you not have standing orders for bill's, insurance etc? Frozen dinners etc are a godsend now and again, the kitchen floor can wait a day or two!! You have clearly led an active working life, though even if you hadn't there is nothing to be ashamed of in being a SAHM. (I was till youngest DD was 13 before venturing back into Social Services which had changed beyond recognition from when I was working there nearly twenty years previously!) So if I were you I'd get a job outside the , streamline the housekeeping, and behave as if I were living on my own. If DH doesn't like it, well, he doesn't have to stay!

Ah Sharon, very interesting that he was an only child. Does explain it a bit. Hope you find a way forward.

Hi Sharon123. Loads of good suggestions on here.
Mine? 1. See a solicitor, or CAB, just to find out your rights. (Just to keep in a little corner of your head and heart and to remind yourself that in the eyes of the law you are a person equal to him).
Then 2. Do the list (2 hard copies) with the insurance at #1, and tell him that's his responsibility starting today.
Then 3. While you still have the purse strings, start making an escape/holiday fund. And GO.
It took my husband a couple of weeks when I left to call my sister and ask, plaintively. "When is she coming home?" I did go back, that time. But in the end, I decided that the worst day of a new life on my own would be better than the best day with him.

Firstly, thanks to you all for taking the time to respond and give me advice. It is much appreciated.

I have decided to write a list (for myself) of all the tasks I do, and which ones I would like him to do. Then I will put them in order of which are going to be the easiest to get him to take over or help with. And gradually hand them over. He doesn't take confrontation well, and he does need time (lots of it) to think about things, and adapt -so trying to change everything at once will not work with his personality.

I can see that some of you think he is some sort of ogre, and if you do, that's my fault - he has some great sides, is generally kind and fun to be with, but he doesn't handle anyone disagreeing with him very well or telling him to do things. Probably because he was a spoiled only child, so he has been used to getting his own way all his life, and instead of standing up to him, I let that continue. And that's my fault, I know. IF he can change, then I will be quite happy staying with him. If he can't - then I need to look at what I want the rest of my life to be like.

I am going to learn to be more assertive, and start doing things by myself, so he is forced into looking after himself more.

Thank you all again for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses. My intention was to reply to all your comments separately, but the forum doesn't seem to allow me to do that.

I suppose the question should be, do you want to be able to sort something out which is fairer
Do you love your husband still, and think there is a relationship worth working on?

Sorry, my last response was to a person/persons who said I had had an easy life at home - because I had forgot to mention that I worked from the time the children were small to when they left home. I forgot, probably because no interest at all was taken in what I had been doing that day, and obviously I was earning less (although it was enough to pay for holidays abroad and Christmas/Birthdays/days out etc) so my work was never seen as important. Which is probably why I didn't think to mention it in my opening post!

I think his nose has been pushed out of joint , now you are working he does not like the changes it brings , I don't think there is a prayer in the world that is going to get him to change , you can either get rid of him, stop working, or continue to work and let the housework slide a bit , keep it tidy and let a cleaner come in for 4 hrs on a Friday that way you have no housework to do all weekend and you can catch up on correspondence , good luck

Re-reading my post, I can see why you may think that -
because I inadvertently missed out a huge chunk in my story. From the time my oldest went to nursery school, I worked from home on a self employed basis - doing direct sales (selling Usborne books at nurseries) and working as a freelance market researcher, and a freelance supermarket merchandiser, and a freelance book-keeper and auditor. I even set up my own home support business, which I ran for several years. But I had to fit my work around nursery/school times and my husband's work times. His work times were often ad-hoc, so getting a "proper" job outside the home was difficult, as I always had to be around to take kids to school and collect them (at one time, 3 different schools, in 3 different directions!). I have no family nearby so that was never an option. So I didn't work full time outside the home, but I did work part-time, from the time my oldest was 3. I hope that clarifies the situation a little more!

I've read through all 3 pages of this, including the OP's post.

About women who work/don't work, I've always thought that this was a mistaken idea i.e. being a full-time housewife/mother is NOT a synonym for not working. It is a way that the male world belittles what a woman does and it certainly does NOT add up to 'not being at work, having an easy life, sitting around' etc etc.

Having said that, the times in my past life when I 'didn't work' have been few and far between. They don't add up to 3 - 4 years in total, and I'm talking back to the 50s, to my first marriage in 1957. I've almost always worked outside the home.

I've read through many similar -cris-de-coeur= on these forums and reading this, in the 21st century, it's almost like a variation on a theme.

The only things that have changed are that there ARE now specific offences recognised in law - emotional abuse, coercive control, verbal violence and even rape within marriage.

OP, you do not have to put up with any of this. But no one can make a change but you.

Interestingly, you talk about 'his' car insurance. Does that mean the car is insured for only him to drive, and what transport arrangements have you got, for yourself?

I think I might be inclined to tell him you're not doing it, it's his responsibility, very easy nowadays when it can all be done online. If he doesn't do it, first time he passes an ANPR camera, which are everywhere, he'll be picked up by the traffic police and have points on his licence. Of course I have no illusions - the buck will come back squarely on you, so you have to think this through. Is 'his' car insurance the straw that breaks the camel's back? If so, there will be consequences, but it may be enough of a shock for him to show his true colours.

The short answer is, you can't go on like this and there is no reason why you should. The question is, what do you do to break free of this toxic relationship - I won't even dignify it by calling it a 'marriage'. Not dealing with his car insurance could be your second step. The first step has been writing it all down here.

The very best of luck to you. Remember - you are not alone.

I think you are going to have a difficult time changing your husband's ways and views now. They are entrenched in who he is, so it will have to be you who brings about a change. He actually sounds like someone who holds very Victorian attitudes. A lot depends on the hours you would be working, and your husband's unwillingness to help out. So simplify your own life, get a cleaner, shop online, pay to have the ironing done, streamline your house so you have a minimum to do. Do some batch cooking so that you have something to fall back on when you get home. Let him make his own appointments, pay his own insurance,cut the lawn, and anything else that he deems your responsibility. Yes you will probably have a few words at the very least...tell him how much it costs to pay these people to do these jobs (out of your earnings) all the things you have done as part of your easy life. If all else fails have an extended holiday ....Shirley Valentine had the right idea. He needs a reality check and this might be it.

You've said it: you are your own worst enemy. He's not going to change ow. Why should when he has it so cushy?

radicalnanthis is so much more than the OP managing!

Ellie emotional bullying is as bad as physical abuse. Having lived through both with the ex I know that yo be true. Check out Women's Aid/IDAS on emotional abuse. It's equally as damaging if not more as it can't be seen. Physical scars leave emotional scares too as well as emotional abuse without physical abuse. Emotional abuse is now also a criminal offence

The general consensus (apart from three) seems to be the same - something has to change. No point in saying he worked for thirty years and "lucky" you didn't (you did by the way) so you've got to keep on doing everything even though you're now working (outside the home) too. The list idea is a good one but it won't be easy leaving things not done! He sounds like a bully - verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical - and I think it's time to stand up to him. Do you still love him? Does he love you? He certainly doesn't value or respect you. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

It's going to be damned difficult to get him to do anything if he's had an armchair ride all these years.
I suggest you get a job if you can, then suggest he gets the car insurance, MOT, etc saying to him firmly that as you now work you've got less time and make it clear that you will no longer put up with verbal abuse.
My dad did hardly anything at all in the house - when mum passed away he didn't even know how to boil an egg - which all his children thought was pathetic.

My husband is a lovely easy going man but he always thought that his job was to earn the money and mine was to do everything else. So I do the gardening, decorating, money matters, cleaning etc. He is now retired and my solution was first to sit him down and talk to him and ask him what he was prepared to do. He now sets the table, pours the wine!, clears up after and loads and empties the dishwasher. He also tidies his own stuff up. For the rest he is quite prepared to pay so I now have a gardener, cleaner and odd job man. You can't force someone to do things they don't want to but maybe making a list of the jobs which need to be done and then asking him which he doesn't mind doing is the way to go. I try to arrange these conversations when things are going well between us and he is more receptive.

This man sounds just like a close friend's ex. He treated her like a slave. It was appalling to witness. If she stood up to him, he would go mad. This bright, beautiful woman was turned into a quivering wreck. Nothing anyone said persuaded her to leave him. Eventually, he did her the best favour ever and left her.

Oh hun, you need to tell him, or just stop doing things for him, e.g. make your own breakfast etc but not his, he will soon come to realise what a prehistoric man he is. Good luck xx

I don’t have any solutions. It seems an astonishing situation to me.

I stayed at home with my children. We considered that a job. My husband did a day’s work, I did a day’s work. When he came home we shared or divided what jobs were left - putting the children to bed, cooking, washing up. On the whole I did the cooking (from choice) and he did the washing up. For goodness’ sake, even my father did that!

I would do a 'Shirley Valentine' on him. Book yourself a lovely holiday in the sun. Have a flirtation with a handsome younger man (flirtation only tho!). Introduce him to Gransnet and leave him reading your post and all the replies. I just want to give you a hug, good luck x

I agree with eglantine 2.
Why do you stay? Hubby does not appear to want a wife but a carer.
Let him find out for himself the penalty for an uninsured car. It is not your responsibility. As for the rest the decision is yours Do you love him enough to carry on with the present situation.? Relate or Citizens Advice ?have a chat as a couple If he refuses I would consider laying your cards on the table and seriously consider making a new life on your own .Many have done this even those older than yourself.

RUN LIKE HELL!!!

Why bother with this pig of a man? He will never change.

If you go on holiday alone, no doubt he will do the same or eat out all the time.

I would prefer a life on my own to a life where I am treated as a subspecies by a person who is supposed to love me as an equal.

Get your affairs in order (add a little extra for all your trouble )

Then RUN LIKE HELL AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!

Good luck! - you can do it! x

To those who say that OP should have just gone out to work, I would point out the concept of "coercive control". OK, this might be at the lower end of that, but there is evidence of verbal abuse and no reciprocity in this relationship. My mum was a SAHM until I was in my 20s, not of her own volition, but because my dad said she was 'needed at home'. She finally got a clerical job at a local GP practice and within 6 months Dad sabotaged it. The day Dad retired, Mum went to pick up the car keys and Dad asked her where she was going. She said, "Ken, for the past 40 years, you have not been interested in where I was when you were at work, as long as you came home to a clean house and a hot dinner, so I'm not going to tell you now", and off she went! Many women are trapped in relationships in which the pattern has been set want years before, due to the exigencies of child care. This relationship is not working, and I suggest that the OP gets some counselling to decide what she wants from life from now on. She's only in her 50s, she can expect better from the next 30 - 40 years of her life.